The Breakfast Club (1985)
Brian Johnson: [closing narration] Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
Andrew Clark: ...and an athlete...
Allison Reynolds: ...and a basket case...
Claire Standish: ...a princess...
John Bender: ...and a criminal...
Brian Johnson: Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.
Andrew: We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.
Allison Reynolds: I'll do anything sexual. I don't need a million dollars to do it either.
Claire Standish: You're lying.
Allison Reynolds: I already have. I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. I'm a nymphomaniac.
Claire Standish: Lie.
Brian Johnson: Are your parents aware of this?
Allison Reynolds: The only person I told was my shrink.
Andrew Clark: And what did he do when you told him?
Allison Reynolds: He nailed me.
Claire Standish: Very nice.
Allison Reynolds: I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape, since I paid him.
Claire Standish: He's an adult.
Allison Reynolds: Yeah, he's married too.
Claire Standish: Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Allison Reynolds: Well, the first few times...
Claire Standish: The first few times? You mean you did it more than once?
Allison Reynolds: Sure.
Claire Standish: Are you crazy?
Brian Johnson: Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink.
Allison Reynolds: Have you ever done it?
Claire Standish: I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Allison Reynolds: Have you ever done it with a normal person?
Claire Standish: Didn't we already cover this?
John Bender: You never answered the question.
Claire Standish: Look, I'm not going to discuss my private life with total strangers.
Allison Reynolds: It's kind of a double edged sword isn't it?
Claire Standish: A what?
Allison Reynolds: Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have you're a slut. It's a trap. You want to but you can't, and when you do you wish you didn't, right?
Claire Standish: Wrong.
Allison Reynolds: Or are you a tease?
Andrew Clark: She's a tease.
Claire Standish: I'm sure. Why don't you just forget it.
Andrew Clark: Oh, you're a tease and you know it. All girls are teases.
John Bender: She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.
Claire Standish: I don't do anything.
Allison Reynolds: That's why you're a tease.
Claire Standish: OK, let me ask you a few questions.
Allison Reynolds: I already told you everything.
Claire Standish: No. Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love. I mean, don't you want any respect?
Allison Reynolds: I don't screw to get respect. That's the difference between you and me.
Claire Standish: It's not the only difference I hope.
John Bender: Face it, you're a tease.
Claire Standish: I'm NOT a tease.
John Bender: Sure you are. Sex is your weapon. You said it yourself. You use it to get respect.
Claire Standish: No, I never said that she twisted my words around.
John Bender: What do you use it for then?
Claire Standish: I don't use it period.
John Bender: Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?
Claire Standish: I didn't mean it that way. You guys are putting words into my mouth.
John Bender: Well, if you'd just answer the question.
Brian Johnson: Why don't you just answer the question?
Andrew Clark: Be honest.
John Bender: No big deal.
Brian Johnson: Yeah answer it.
Andrew Clark: Answer the question, Claire.
John Bender: Talk to us. Every one: C'mon, answer the question. Come on. Answer it.
John Bender: C'mon, it's easy. It's only one question.
Claire Standish: NO I NEVER DID IT.
Allison Reynolds: I never did it either. I'm not a nymphomaniac. I'm a compulsive liar.
John Bender: [Imitating his Father] Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a bitch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk.
[Imitating his Mother]
John Bender: You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
John Bender: Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie.
[His own voice]
John Bender: No dad, what about you?
John Bender: Fuck you.
[His own voice]
John Bender: No dad, what about you?
John Bender: Fuck you.
[His own voice]
John Bender: Dad, what about you?
John Bender: Fuck you!
[Pantomimes getting punched in the face]
Brian Johnson: Is that for real?
John Bender: You wanna come over sometime?
[opening narration immediately after the title sequence]
Brian Johnson: Saturday, March 24, 1984. Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois, 60062. Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. What we did *was* wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Correct? That's the way we saw each other at 7:00 this morning. We were brainwashed.
Richard Vernon: You're not fooling anyone, Bender. The next screw that falls out will be you.
John Bender: Eat my shorts.
Richard Vernon: What was that?
John Bender: Eat... My... Shorts.
Richard Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday.
John Bender: Ooh, I'm crushed.
Richard Vernon: You just bought one more.
John Bender: Well I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm going to have to check my calendar.
Richard Vernon: Good, cause it's going to be filled. We'll keep going. You want another one? Just say the word say it. Instead of going to prison you'll come here. Are you through?
John Bender: No.
Richard Vernon: I'm doing society a favor.
John Bender: So?
Richard Vernon: That's another one right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step. You want another one?
John Bender: Yes.
Richard Vernon: You got it! You got another one right there! That's another one pal!
Claire Standish: Cut it out!
Richard Vernon: You through?
John Bender: Not even close bud!
Richard Vernon: Good! You got one more right there!
John Bender: You really think I give a shit?
Richard Vernon: Another! You through?
John Bender: How many is that?
Brian Johnson: That's seven including when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.
Richard Vernon: Now it's eight. You stay out of this.
Brian Johnson: Excuse me sir, it's seven.
Andrew: I taped Larry Lester's buns together.
Brian Johnson: That was you?
Andrew: Yeah, you know him?
Brian Johnson: Yeah, I know him.
Andrew: Well, then you know how hairy he is. And when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some - some skin, too.
Claire Standish: Oh my God.
Andrew: And the bizarre thing is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about how when he was in school and all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right? So I'm sitting in the locker room and I'm taping up my knee, and Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. And he's kinda, he's kinda skinny. Weak. And I started thinkin' about my father, and his attitude about, about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I jumped on top of him and started whaling on him. And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I'm sitting in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father and Larry having to go home and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation - the fucking humiliation he must have felt. It must have been unreal. I mean, how... how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way. It's all because of me and my old man. God, I fucking hate him. He's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore.
[crying, imitating his father]
Andrew: 'Andrew! You've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family! Your intensity is for shit! Win! Win! Win!' You son of a bitch. You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give. And I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me.
Brian Johnson: Chicks cannot hold their smoke, dat's what it is.
John: Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy.
Richard Vernon: What if your home... what if your family... what if your *dope* was on fire?
John Bender: Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.
John Bender: Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
John Bender: Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.
[Claire is doing Allison's make-up]
Claire: You know, you look a lot better without all that black shit under your eyes.
Allison Reynolds: Hey, I like all that black shit... Why are you being so nice to me?
Claire: Because you're letting me.
Bender: Remember how you said your parents use you to get back at each other?
Claire Standish: [nods]
Bender: Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?
Allison Reynolds: I don't have to run away and live in the street. I can run away and I can go to the ocean, I can go to the country, I can go to the mountains. I could go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan.
Andrew: [after Claire has given Allison a makeover] What happened to you?
Allison Reynolds: Why? Claire did it... What's wrong?
Andrew: Nothing's wrong... it's just so different, you know? I can see your face.
Allison Reynolds: Is that good or bad?
Andrew: It's good.
John Bender: What's in there?
Claire Standish: Guess? Where's your lunch?
John Bender: You're wearing it.
Claire Standish: You're nauseating.
John Bender: [pointing to Claire's lunch] What's that?
Claire Standish: Sushi.
John Bender: Sushi?
Claire Standish: Rice, raw fish, and seaweed.
John Bender: You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth, and you're going to eat that?
Claire Standish: Can I eat?
John Bender: I don't know. Give it a try.
Richard Vernon: [From his office] Jesus Christ Almighty! What in God' s name is going on in here? What was that ruckus?
Andrew Clark: Uh, what ruckus?
Richard Vernon: I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus.
Brian Johnson: Could you describe the ruckus, sir?
Claire Standish: Do you know how popular I am? I am so popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school.
Bender: Poor baby.
Allison Reynolds: You have problems.
Andrew Clark: Oh, I have problems?
Allison Reynolds: You do everything everyone tells you to do and that is a problem.
Andrew Clark: Okay, fine, but I didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite everyone into my problems.
Allison Reynolds: Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke, your birth date's March 12th, you're 5'9 and a half, you weigh 130 pounds and your social security number is 049380913.
Andrew Clark: Wow. Are you psychic?
Allison Reynolds: No.
Brian Johnson: Well, would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?
Allison Reynolds: I stole your wallet.
Andrew: Speak for yourself.
Bender: Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language.
[to himself, crawling above some acoustic ceiling tiles]
Bender: Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says...
[the ceiling gives way]
Bender: Oh, *shit*.
John Bender: Uh, Dick? Excuse me; Rich. Will milk be made available to us?
Andrew Clark: We're extremely thirsty, sir.
Claire Standish: I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.
Andrew Clark: I've seen her dehydrate, sir. It's pretty gross.
Bender: [running through the halls singing] I wanna be an airborne ranger / I wanna lead a life of danger / Before the day I die / There's five things I wanna ride / Bicycle, tricycle, automobile / Virgin's mother and a ferris wheel...
John Bender: YOU ARE A BITCH.
Claire Standish: Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?
John Bender: NO. 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do someone, and you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell them you're gonna like who you wanna like.
Andrew: Why do you have to insult everybody?
John Bender: I'm being honest, asshole. I would expect you to know the difference.
John Bender: [after Claire performs her lipstick trick, claps sarcastically] Wow, Claire. That was great. My image of you is totally blown.
Allison Reynolds: You're a shit. Don't do that to her, you swore to God you wouldn't laugh.
John Bender: Am I laughing?
Andrew Clark: [shouts angrily] You fuckin' prick!
John Bender: What do you care what I think anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference. I might as well not even exist at this school, remember?
[turns to Claire]
John Bender: And you... don't like me anyway.
Claire Standish: You know, I have just as, many feelings as you do and it hurts so much when someone steps all over them.
John Bender: God! You're so pathetic. Don't you ever, *ever* compare yourself to me, okay. You got everything, and I got shit. Fuckin' Rapunzel, right? School would probably fuckin' shut down if you didn't show up. Queenie isn't here. I like those earrings, Claire.
Claire Standish: Shut up.
John Bender: Are those real diamonds Claire?
Claire Standish: Shut up.
John Bender: I bet they are. Did you work for the money for those earrings?
Claire Standish: Shut your mouth.
John Bender: Or did your daddy buy those for you?
Claire Standish: [shouts] SHUT UP!
John Bender: I'll bet he bought those for you. I bet those were a Christmas gift. Right? You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny." All right? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don't cry here, okay?
Andrew Clark: My God, are we gonna be like our parents?
Claire Standish: Not me. Ever.
[Vernon catches Bender playing basketball in the gym]
Bender: Don't you want to hear my excuse?
Richard Vernon: Out.
Bender: I'm thinkin' of tryin' out for a scholarship.
Bender: [after Claire kisses his neck] Why'd you do that?
Claire Standish: 'Cause I knew you wouldn't.
Claire Standish: [pause] Were you truly disgusted with what I did with my lipstick?
Bender: The truth?
Claire Standish: Yeah.
Bender: [nods] No.
Claire Standish: You know why guys like you knock everything?
John Bender: Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire Standish: It's because you're afraid.
John Bender: Oh God, you richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.
Claire Standish: You're a big coward.
Brian Johnson: I'm in the math club.
Claire Standish: See, you're afraid that they won't take you, you don't belong, so you have to just dump all over it.
John Bender: Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes, now would it?
Claire Standish: Well, you wouldn't know, you don't even know any of us.
John Bender: Well, I don't know any lepers, but I'm not going to run out and join one of their fucking clubs.
Andrew Clark: Hey. Let's watch the mouth, huh?
Brian Johnson: I'm in the physics club too.
John Bender: Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?
Brian Johnson: Well, what I had said was I'm in the math club, uh, the Latin, and the physics club... physics club.
John Bender: Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the physics club?
Claire Standish: That's an academic club.
John Bender: So?
Claire Standish: So academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
John Bender: Ah... but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?
Brian Johnson: Well, in physics we... we talk about physics, properties of physics.
John Bender: So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?
[Richard Vernon places magazine rack in front of door to hold it open]
John Bender: That's very clever, sir. But what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.
Richard Vernon: Well, well. Here we are. I want to congratulate you all for being on time.
Claire Standish: Excuse me, sir. I think there's been a mistake. I know we're in detention but I don't think I belong here.
[Vernon ignores her, carrying on with his speech]
Richard Vernon: It is now 7:06. You have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes to think about WHY you are here - to ponder the error of your ways. You will not talk... you will now move... from these seats.
Richard Vernon: [addressing Bender, who has his feet on a chair] And YOU... will not sleep.
[pulls the chair out from under Bender's feet]
Richard Vernon: All right people, we're going to try something a little different today. We are going to write... an essay... of not less than a thousand words... describing to me who you think you are. And when I say 'ESSAY', I mean 'ESSAY', NOT one word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear, Mr. Bender?
John Bender: Crystal.
Richard Vernon: Good. You might learn a thing or two about yourself. You might even decide whether or not you'd care to return.
Brian Johnson: Excuse me sir, I can answer that right now. That'd be no.
Richard Vernon: [contemptuously] Sit down, Johnson.
Brian Johnson: Thank you, sir.
Richard Vernon: My office is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?
John Bender: Yeah, I have a question. Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
Richard Vernon: You'll get the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday.
[John Bender is absently tearing up books]
Andrew Clark: That's real intelligent.
John Bender: You're right. It's wrong to destroy literature. It's such fun to read. And
John Bender: Moe-Lay really pumps my nads.
Claire Standish: Moliere.
[as Bender prepares to urinate under his desk]
Andrew Clark: Hey, you're not urinating in here, man.
John Bender: Don't talk. Don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.
Andrew Clark: So... what's your poison?
[Allison says nothing]
Andrew Clark: ... Ok, forget I asked.
Allison Reynolds: Vodka.
Andrew Clark: Vodka? When do you drink vodka.
Allison Reynolds: Whenever.
Andrew Clark: How much?
Allison Reynolds: Tons.
Brian Johnson: [after Brian explains his F in shop] Did you know without trigonometry, there'd be no engineering?
Bender: Without lamps, there'd be no light.
John Bender: Sporto.
Andrew Clark: What?
John Bender: You get along with your parents?
Andrew Clark: Well, if I say yes I'm an idiot, right?
John Bender: You're an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, well, you're a liar too.
Brian's mom: Now is this the first time or the last time you do this to me?
Brian Johnson: Last.
Brian's mom: Now get in there and use the time to your advantage.
Brian Johnson: Mom, we're not supposed to study, we just have to sit there and do nothing.
Brian's mom: Well mister, you figure out a way to study.
Brian's sister: Yeah.
John Bender: My impression of life at Big Bri's house, "Son?" "Yeah, Dad?" "How was your day, son?" "Great, Dad. How's yours?" "Super. Say, how would like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Dad. But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son. You can do it on the boat." "Gee." "Hon, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?"
Andrew: Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here. I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.
Bender: Oh, and wouldn't that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole wrestling meet!
Andrew: You wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life!
Bender: Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys who roll around on the floor with other guys.
Andrew: Ah, you'd never make it. You don't have any goals.
Bender: Oh, but I do!
Bender: I wanna be just... like... you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights!
Brian: You wear tights?
Andrew: No, I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.
Andrew: [short pause] Shut up!
John Bender: What're we having?
Brian Johnson: Uh, it's your standard, regular lunch I guess...
[Bender reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos. He sets it on the table and points at it]
John Bender: Milk?
Brian Johnson: Uh, soup.
John Bender: Ah.
[Bender goes in again and pulls out a juice box. Brian reaches toward the bag and Bender slaps his hand]
Brian Johnson: That's apple juice...
John Bender: I *can* read. PB & J with the crusts cut off... Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
Brian Johnson: Uh, no, Mr. Johnson.
John Bender: Don't you ever talk about my friends. You don't know any of my friends. You don't look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW, and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean.
Claire Standish: SHUT UP!
John Bender: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways of school together, you can forget it cuz it's never gonna happen. Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your fuckin' prom.
Claire Standish: [Crying] I hate you!
John Bender: Yeah? Good!
Bender: [after putting his head between Claire's legs under the table] It was an accident.
Claire Standish: You're an asshole.
Bender: Sue me.
Claire Standish: Why didn't you want me to know that you are a virgin?
Brian Johnson: Because it's my business - my personal business.
John Bender: Well, Brian, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business.
Claire Standish: [about her parents] I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me. It's like they use me just to get back at each other.
Allison Reynolds: [her first word of dialogue so far] Ha!
Claire Standish: [long pause] Shut up!
Andrew: You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you.
Claire Standish: I hate it. I hate having to go along with everything my friends say.
Richard Vernon: [Andrew laughs at Bender's backtalk] You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's "bitchin," is that it? Let me tell you something. Look at him - he's a bum. You want to see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years. You'll see how goddamned funny he is.
John Bender: Hey, homeboy, what do you say we close that door, we'll get the prom queen impregnated.
Richard Vernon: That's the last time, Bender. That the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, you hear me? I make $31,000 a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it all away on some punk like you. But someday when you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place and they've forgotten all about you, and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you. I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt.
Bender: You threatening me?
Richard Vernon: What are you gonna do about it? You think anyone's gonna believe you? You think anyone is gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here. I'm a swell guy. You're a lying sack of shit and everybody knows it. Oh, you're a tough guy. Hey c'mon. Get on your feet pal. Let's find out how tough you are. I wanna know right now how tough you are.
[offers Bender his chin]
Richard Vernon: Just take the first shot. I'm begging you, take a shot. Just one hit. Come on, that's all I need, just one swing...
[Bender pauses, staring]
Richard Vernon: That's what I thought. You're a gutless turd.
Claire Standish: He's just doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him.
John Bender: Sweets. You couldn't ignore me if you tried. So... so. Are you guys like boyfriend-girlfriend? Steady dates? Lovers? Come on, sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot beef injection?
Claire Standish: Go to HELL.
Richard Vernon: Hey. What's goin in there? Damn pricks.
Richard Vernon: Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns.
Claire Standish: What's your name?
John Bender: What's yours?
Claire Standish: Claire.
John Bender: Claire?
Claire Standish: Claire. It's a family name.
John Bender: Oh, it's a fat girl's name.
Claire Standish: Oh, thank you.
John Bender: You're welcome.
Claire Standish: I'm not fat.
John Bender: Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but became fat... so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh...
John Bender: [to Vernon] Keep your fuckin' hands off me! I'd expect better manners from you, Dick.
Principal Richard Vernon: The next time I have to come in here I'm crackin' skulls.
Andrew: Just me. Just you and me. Two hits... me hitting you, you hitting the floor. Any time you're ready, pal.
Bender: [Bender goes to hit Andrew but Andrew tackles him to the floor] I don't wanna get into this with you man.
Andrew: [Andrew lets him go and they both stand up] Why not?
Bender: Cause I'd kill you. It's real simple, I'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it'd be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother.
Andrew: [whispers as he turns around] Chickenshit.
[Bender pulls out a switchblade and stabs into a chair]
Andrew: Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her... you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me?
Bender: Carl? How does one become a janitor?
Carl: You wanna be a janitor?
Bender: No, I just want to know how one becomes a janitor. Because, you see, Brian here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.
Carl: Oh really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Serf? Peon? Well, maybe so. But following a broom around after shitheads like you for the last 8 years, I've learned a couple of things. I look through your letters. I look through your lockers. I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends.
Carl: By the way, that clock's 20 minutes fast.
Brian Johnson: I'm a fucking idiot because I can't make a lamp?
John Bender: No. You're a genius because you can't make a lamp.
Allison Reynolds: [after Andrew says he would drive to school naked for one million dollars] I'd do that. I'll do anything sexual, and I don't need a million dollars to do it either. I'm a nymphomaniac.
Richard Vernon: You think about this: when you get old, these kids - when *I* get old - they're going to be running the country.
Richard Vernon: Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.
Carl: I wouldn't count on it.
John Bender: [after Claire flips him off] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.
Richard Vernon: You ought to spend a little more time trying to make something of yourself and a little less time trying to impress people.
Bender: You keep eating your hand and you're not gonna be hungry for lunch...
Andrew Clark: I'm not a winner because I want to be one. I'm a winner because I've got strength and speed... kinda like a racehorse. It's about how involved I am in what's happening to me.
Bender: Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are. Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be... a white wedding?
Claire: Why don't you just shut up?
Bender: Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth?
[Claire doesn't answer]
Bender: Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off... hoping to God your parents don't walk in?
Claire: Do you want me to puke?
Bender: Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvins in a ball on the front seat, past eleven on a school-night?
Brian: Are you gonna be, like, a shopping bag lady? You know, like, sit in alleyways and, like, talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kinda thing?
Bender: Claire, you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitis of the nuts? It's pretty tasty.
Claire: No thank you.
Bender: How does he ride a bike?
Bender: Oh Claire, would you ever consider dating a guy who looked like this?
Claire: Can't you just leave me alone?
Bender: I mean even if he had a nice personality and a cool car... although you'd probably have to ride in the backseat because his nuts would ride shotgun
Bender: [as Mr. Vernon leaves the library] That man... is a brownie hound.
Richard Vernon: Why is that door closed? WHY IS THAT DOOR CLOSED?
Andrew: I said, leave her alone.
Bender: You gonna make me?
Bender: You and how many of your friends?
Andrew: Just me. Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you. You hitting the floor. Anytime you're ready, pal.
John Bender: But face it. You're a neo maxi zoom dweebie, what would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?
Richard Vernon: What did you wanna be when you were young?
Carl: When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon.
Richard Vernon: Carl, don't be a goof. I'm making a serious point here.
Mr. Clark, Andrew's Father: Hey, I screwed around. Guys screw around, there's nothin' wrong with that.
[Andy nods head]
Mr. Clark, Andrew's Father: Except you got caught, Sport.
Andrew: Yeah, Mom already wringed me, alright?
Mr. Clark, Andrew's Father: You wanna miss a match? You wanna blow your ride?
[Andy shakes head no]
Mr. Clark, Andrew's Father: No school's gonna give a scholarship to a discipline case!