Quotes

Dorothy: Oh c'mon, Blanche. Age is just a state of mind.

Blanche: Tell that to my thighs.

Dorothy: What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT?

Rose: YES!

Rebecca: I'm havin' this baby in a birthin' center. They emphasize natural childbirth without any painkillers.

Blanche: Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come OUT?

Blanche: Well, just tell him you have a lot of work at home.

Rose: I don't want to lie.

Blanche: When you get home, we'll make you clean out the garage.

Rose: Oh thanks, I owe you big for this one.

Blanche: You know what the worst part about getting older is?

Dorothy: Your face, Rose's hands?

Blanche: No, no, no please. I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle, then Bim Bam Boosh, won the tickets.

Dorothy: Take a lesson Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Blanche: I'll give you anything. I'll give you one of my sons.

Dorothy: Blanche.

Blanche: Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had 4 kids, I've never had a Mercedes. So, which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma.

Dominic: [points at Dorothy] You, are our daughter.

Rose: Well, I'm off.

Sophia: Totally.

Rose: Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?

Sophia: Excuse me Rose, but I haven't had sex in fifteen years and its starting to get on my nerves.

Blanche: He is so sophisticated and charming and rich and handsome. He fairly screams Blanche. At least, he will when I'M through with him.

Blanche: What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?

Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.

Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. It's you.

Miles Webber: I'm a college professor, Rose. What did you think when I said I taught Hemingway?

Rose: I thought you were old.

Dorothy: The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be?

Rose: I kept a chicken in my home.

Dorothy: You see my point?

Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?

Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.

Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.

Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Rose: Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now...

Dorothy: That's always a safe bet, Rose.

Rose: ...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations.

Blanche: Well, what's wrong with that?

Rose: Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree.

Sophia: Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there's no such thing as security; and number three, don't go see "Ishtar." Woof.

Dorothy: [to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.

Sophia: I hate communism.

Dorothy: Of course you hate communism, Ma it's because you were raised a fascist.

Sophia: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.

Dorothy: I'm so sorry. What happened?

Sophia: [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.

[agitated]

Sophia: SHE WAS 88!

Rose: Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

Sophia: You're Blanche's daughter, the model?

Rebecca: That's right.

Sophia: What did she model - car covers?

Rose: I just found out I'm the most boring on Earth.

Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

Dorothy: Oh... but you thought we'd be interested in the story of little Yimminy? the boy who was raised by a moose...

Rose: That moose not only raised little Yimminy, he put him through medical school

[Blanche and Dorothy are discussing Blanche's birthday gift to Rose: a detective to follow around Rose's boyfriend]

Blanche: Well I can't take it back, I paid in advance

Dorothy: Can't you get a refund?

Blanche: Well, no, I paid with nature's credit card

Dorothy: You never leave home without it.

Blanche: I swear with God as my witness, I will never pick up another man!... in a library... on a Saturday... unless he's cute... and drives a nice car... Amen

Rose: I can't believe my mother is out riding around on a smelly old bus. Being pushed around, harassed, possibly even mugged by hostile teenagers with bad haircuts!

Miles Webber: Rose, I've never met anyone quite like you.

Sophia: Check the corn field on Hee-Haw.

[Rose comes in from the rain crying after seeing two sad movies; Dorothy's friend says she'll be all right]

Blanche: Of course you will, honey, that phony hair color won't wash out just because you got caught in the rain!

Dorothy: [the girls visit a birthing center] What kind of idiot would want to give birth here?

Rose: This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant!

Rose: Blanche, I can't believe you. Where do you get your nerve?

Blanche: Ironically, from Uncle Lucas.

Blanche: What was your first impression of me?

Rose: I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.

Dorothy: Why don't you just tell him that you don't know who he is?

Rose: And hurt an old friend? Boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you.

Blanche: Dorothy you're a substitute, your job isn't actually to teach.

Dorothy: Then what is it?

Blanche: To keep the kids from burning the school down until the other teacher gets back.

Blanche: Oh girls... I'm just in ecstasy. My body is tingling all over. You will never guess what just happened.

Sophia: We know what happened. Let us just guess what part of the Middle East he's from.

Dorothy: Good night, Rose. Go to sleep, honey. Pray for brains.

Rose: I've been on the phone for a half hour and you'll never guess what happened.

Dorothy: You realized you forgot to dial first.

Rose: No.

Blanche: You were holding the receiver the wrong way.

Rose: No.

Dorothy: You were talking into the TV remote instead of the phone.

Rose: No.

Blanche: A shoe?

Rose: No, I'm not an idiot. - The TV has a remote?

[after getting caught faking a sprained ankle]

Sophia: I wuv you.

Dorothy: Too wittle, too wate.

Rose: Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon man couldn't have been that terrible.

Dorothy: I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable.

The Butler: My god. They've been murdered.

Sophia: Does this mean we don't get any birthday cake?

[on one of the flashback episodes when Dorothy is young]

Sophia: Where are you going?

Salvadore Petrillo: To get some air.

Sophia: We got air in the house.

Salvadore Petrillo: I like beer with my air.

[trying to get Blanche to come out of her room]

Dorothy: You're right, Blanche. These naked southern guys sure can dance.

[Rose and Dorothy confront Blanche about sleeping with Gil Kessler, Rose says to Blanche regarding the newspaper article]

Rose: Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in a building 10 blocks away?

Dorothy: [Holding her head] Rose, that was an article about an earthquake in GUATEMALA.

Sophia: Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?

Rose: Here you are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.

Sophia: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.

Rose: Dr. Kagan? Hubba hubba zing zing, baby, he's got everything.

[Dorothy has brought home a pamphlet that shows Sophia might be losing her hearing]

Sophia: Oh, please Dorothy. Every time you bring home a pamphlet, I have that problem. One time I even thought I was a Jew for Jesus.

Blanche: Sophia, by placing this pearl necklace between my bosoms, does it make me look like I'm a sex-starved slut who is in need of a man to bed?

Sophia: Yes.

Blanche: Good, then pearl it is.

[Repeated line]

Rose: Back in St. Olaf...

Rose: [Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital] Name?

Sophia: Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.

[Dorothy, becoming fed up by a clown at a kiddie party, is ready to deck him with a pie]

Clown: Before you do that, you should know that Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer. Besides, that wouldn't be a very grown up thing to do.

Dorothy: [defeated] No. You're right. I couldn't.

Bobby (6 years old): Mr. Ha Ha.

Clown: Yes Bobby?

[Clown turns around. Bobby smashes a pie into his face]

Bobby (6 years old): Happy Birthday, Dorothy.

Blanche: Girls have you ever heard of something called dirty dancing?

Dorothy: Of course Blanche, they did it in that movie!

Rose: What movie?

Rose: Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

Blanche: [after being treated like a lady by one of her dates] I feel like I did when I was a virgin!

Sophia: You mean the feeling isn't going to last long?

Blanche: Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?

Sophia: I'm just saying you're lucky Jack-&-Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.

Blanche: I'm not going to stand for this! Not in my own house...

Sophia: Take it Dorothy!

Dorothy: I bet you'll lay down for it!

Dorothy: It's wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.

Rose: I don't think lying is really a good idea. I once cut school and that proved very bad.

Dorothy: Oh, Rose. We've all cut school. It couldn't have been that bad.

Rose: Oh, yes it was. That was the day they taught EVERYTHING.

Dorothy: The final piece of the puzzle.

Rose: How long were Jean and Pat married?

Dorothy: They were together for about eight years.

Rose: Poor thing. I wish there was something I could do... I know! I'll make my world-famous ice cream clown sundaes! You know, the kind with the little raisin eyes and the sugar cone caps.

Dorothy: If that doesn't fill the void, nothing will.

Sophia: My God, I've left braincells all over the Eastern Seaboard.

Rose: You know, I've been thinking...

Blanche: Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.

Dorothy: You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks the best way to show someone you care is by going into debt. I mean, where is the love? Where's the sharing? Where is the - the true spirit of Christmas?

Sophia: Neiman-Marcus, Ladies Apparel, third floor.

Rose: Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.

[Rose and Dorothy are attempting to move a new toilet into the bathroom]

Rose: Oh, don't give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.

Dorothy: Fine, Rose. Get me twenty thousand Hebrews and I'll see what I can do.

Blanche: Rose, I was about to tell a story.

Rose: Well, I wanna tell mine.

Blanche: Dorothy?

Dorothy: Well, this is a no-win situation... but go ahead, Blanche.

Rose: Fine, you may never get to hear MY story.

Dorothy: Then I'm wrong, it isn't a no-win situation.

Dorothy: Blanche, have you heard of the latest campaigns? "Join the navy, see the world... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"? "Join the army, be all you can be... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"?

[getting angry]

Dorothy: "The marines are looking for a few good men who have *not* slept with Blanche Devereaux"!

[Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed]

Dorothy: MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!

Sophia: These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?

[Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over]

Sophia: And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?

Dorothy: Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.

[Discussing a bad actress who played Anne Frank in a community theater play]

Dorothy: I mean, for the entire second act, the audience kept yelling, "She's in the attic, she's in the attic!"

Dorothy: Ma, I'm never playing cards with you again!

Sophia: Yes you will. You're just too competitive. It's always been your worst feature. No, wait-your ears are your worst feature.

Dorothy: Can you believe that?

Blanche: No, I always thought your bony feet were your worst feature.

[after a leaky night, Rose comes out of her room carrying a bucket]

Dorothy: Aw, Rose, did you have a leak in your room too?

Rose: No, Dorothy. I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!

Blanche: Oh, God... now I'm lying to a priest!

Blanche: When Blanche Devereaux goes after a man, she doesn't stand on ceremony!

Sophia: Or the floor.

Sophia: Kitchen, bedroom, I knew it was a room I was good in!

Dorothy: [about how scary Mrs. Claxton is] Last Halloween half the kids in the neighborhood wore Freida Claxton costumes.

Rose: [on Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses] Oh Sophia, I think you're a wonderful person. It's a lovely idea to divide Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses equally.

Sophia: Well I figure yours should be about half. After all you're the one that killed her.

Game Show Host: For one hundred dollars, complete this famous phrase: "Better late than... "

Blanche: Pregnant!

Game Show Host: No, Blanche, that's incorrect... though not entirely untrue.

Sophia: Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress!

Blanche: Why, you little...

[trying to get animals to breed]

Dorothy: What they need is an aphrodisiac.

Rose: An African what?

Dorothy: An aphrodisiac, Rose. Something that makes you feel sexy... like Spanish Fly.

Rose: [disgusted] Spanish flies?

Dorothy: Fly, Rose. One Fly. Spanish Fly.

Rose: Oh, come on Dorothy. I've been to Spain. It's not the cleanest country in the world, they must have thousands of flies.

Dorothy: It is not a fly Rose! It's a beetle!

Rose: They call it a fly but it's really a beetle?

Dorothy: Yes.

Rose: How do they know it's Spanish?

Dorothy: Because it wears a little sombrero, Rose!

Blanche: [Blanche explaining why she worn red at her wedding instead of white] Oh please, it's bad enough hearing all those snickers as you walk down the aisle, but me in white, even I couldn't keep a straight face.

Rose: You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! EVERYBODY likes me!

Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.

[Dorothy leaves on vacation, leaving Blanche in charge of Sophia]

Sophia: Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!

[Sophia is translating for an elderly Italian contractor]

Sophia: He said, "I am in charge."

[the contractor says something else]

Sophia: He said, "I am the boss."

[the contractor says something else]

Sophia: [confused] He said, "I am the walrus"?

Dorothy: Ma, either your Italian is a little rusty or this is the world's oldest hippie.

Dorothy: Oh, Angela, you really don't have to go!

Angela: Thank you, Dorothy. I'd love to stay, but I hate your mother.

Rose: [discussing hair removal products] Dorothy, would you like to try this thing?

Dorothy: What is it?

Rose: Well, that wire vibrates and it's supposed to whisk hair away from below the skin line.

Dorothy: Yeah, I don't know whether I wanna use this. It says it's gonna hurt.

Rose: Well, you can try it on your right leg and then use the hot wax on your left one.

Dorothy: Why don't we just set each other on fire?

Rose: Dorothy...

Dorothy: All right, all right. Let's see if they sent a bullet to bite on.

Dorothy: Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving I'd never be able to stop. I mean, she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.

Sophia: I was right! By the time you were sixteen I could grate cheese on your knees!

Rose: When men see that you shave your legs above the knee, what does that say to them?

Blanche: Hopefully it says, '"Touch my leg!"

Dorothy: That's in case they miss the tattoo that says the same.

Dorothy: [Sophia has rented a porno] Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?

Sophia: I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.

Dorothy: That's not a Steven Spielberg? *What* are they doing?

Sophia: You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were twelve.

Dorothy: Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?

Sophia: Dirty is in the eye of the beholder... OK, maybe *that's* a little dirty.

Sophia: [to Stan] Did you bring your little wife with you or did you make her stay home and clean out her toy box?

[Rose and Blanche are practicing for a Sound of Music play. Blanche is pretending to be standing on a balcony while Rose runs in yelling her lines]

Rose: [running into the room] The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming!

Sophia: [dashing in from the kitchen] Everybody grab a gun and go to the basement!

Dorothy: Rose, do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck!

Rose: No, but you do look the woman who used to drive it.

Sophia: If I met a man who was over seventy but still looked half-way decent, I'd be on my back faster than you could say, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Sophia: Now if you'll excuse me I'll be in the living room being feeble. If I can find the living room.

Blanche: My first was Billy. Oh, I'll never forget it! That night under the dogwood tree, the air thick with perfume, and me with Billy. Or Bobby? Yes, that's right, Bobby! Or was it Ben? Oh who knows, anyway, it started with a B.

Dorothy: So, how much is this Italian contractor going to charge for remodeling the garage?

Sophia: [the contractor speaks in Italian, and Sophia translates] He said he'll do it for free for three reasons! One, he loves his work, two, his men haven't been together for a while, and three, he loves to be in the company of pretty young women!

Dorothy: Oh, wow... in that case, I guess we'll have to agree!

Sophia: Great! So, here's a list of the pretty young women that you'll have to hire.

Stan: [every time Stan comes to the house] Hi, it's me, Stan!

Blanche: [referring to her brother and his lover visiting] My goodness, what would the neighbors think if they saw two men lying in my bed?

Sophia: They'd think it's Tuesday!

Dorothy: [after being persuaded to go out dancing] Oh all right I'll come.Ma where are my dancing shoes?

Sophia: In the Smithsonian, right next to Fred Astaire's. How the hell should I know?

Dorothy: [Sophia is busily cooking] Ma, what are you doing? You're supposed to be resting. Remember what the doctor said?

Sophia: Dorothy, I'm feeling anxious. And when I feel anxious, there's only one thing that calms me down.

Dorothy: I know, Ma. Cooking a big meal.

Sophia: No, making hot naked love in a closet. But hey, you do what you can.

Rose: Mmmmm, Sophia! The kitchen smells wonderful. Is it Chef Boyardee?

Rose, Sophia: [Sophia holds up a knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!

Blanche: Rose, you must be confused. You come to me if you have problems with a man. You go to Dorothy if there's some grammar you need help with.

Dorothy: You ended that sentence with a dangling preposition just to bait me!

Blanche: What would I do that for?

Blanche: [to Sophia] My mistake. I thought since you look like Yoda you were also wise.

Blanche: Oh, just shut up! Shut up, you babbling, bobble-headed, bleach blonde...

[struggles for another word]

Sophia: Baboon.

Blanche: Baboon!

[storms out]

Dorothy, Rose: [stare at Sophia]

Sophia: She needed a 'B!'

Blanche: Can you believe it? After four long years, my baby girl is finally coming to see me. I'm so happy, I could cry.

Rose: But Blanche, you *are* crying!

Dorothy: Admit it, Rose, you worked for Allied Intelligence during World War II.

Rose: Huh?

Dorothy: Fine. Play it cagey.

Dorothy: [on the phone with a contractor] No, I'm sorry, that's more than I'm willing to pay for a guest room. Yes, I have heard the expression "you get what you pay for." I've also heard the expression "there's a sucker born every minute."... Yes, I have heard that expression too...

Blanche: [Blanche's umpteenth time saying it in the episode] I was once arrested for that in Chattanooga.

Dorothy: Blance, are you allowed to go back to Chattanooga?

Blanche: Are you kidding? The sheriff still writes.

Rose: I'm gonna make a special glückenflügen to celebrate it. It's a special dish that takes hours to prepare.

Dorothy: Ohh! Please Rose! Why don't you do what we all do? Buy frozen glückenflügen!

Blanche: Oh, sometimes I wish she was my mother...

[pauses]

Blanche: ... so i could be the one to put her in Shady Pines.