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Top Secret! (1984) Poster

(1984)

Quotes

Hillary Flammond: Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?

Blindman: In women's tennis, I always root against the heterosexual.

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Martin: Nick, I've tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. I even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It's no use, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm.

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Hillary Flammond: My uncle was born in America.

Nick Rivers: Oh, really?

Hillary Flammond: But he was one of the lucky ones. He managed to escape in a balloon during the Jimmy Carter presidency.

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Hillary Flammond: I know a little German. He's sitting over there.

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Nick Rivers: Listen to me, Hillary. I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.

Hillary Flammond: I know. It all sounds like some bad movie.

[Long pause. Both look at camera]

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Hillary Flammond: For as long as a single man is forced to cower under the iron fist of oppression, as long as a child cries out in the night, or an actor can be elected president, we must continue the struggle.

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[Doctor Flamond is being rescued]

Doctor Flamond: How ironic. Another day and I would have completed my tunnel.

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Agent Cedric: Wait. You dropped your phony dog poo.

Blindman: What phony dog poo?

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Colonel von Horst: [reporting on Nick's interrogation] They're still working on him. He won't break. We've tried everything! Do you want me to bring out the Leroy Nieman paintings?

General Streck, German High Command: No. We cannot risk violating the Geneva Convention!

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General Streck, German High Command: [talking on the phone] What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger?

[pause]

General Streck, German High Command: Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition.

[Hangs up]

General Streck, German High Command: He's dead.

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Nick Rivers: Is this the potato farm?

Albert Potato, Resistance Member: Yes, I'm Albert Potato.

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Hillary Flammond: Things change, people change, hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate.

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German teaching tape: Die Sauerkraut ist in mein Lederhosen.

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[on train at checkpoint]

Nick Rivers: Where are they taking him?

Colonel von Horst: They are not taking him anywhere.

[gunshot is heard off screen]

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Nick Rivers: Do you mind if I have a swig of this?

[picks up bottle]

Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member: Go right ahead.

Nick Rivers: [takes a mouthful, spits in disgust] What the hell is this stuff?

Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member: Gasoline.

[laughs and takes a swig himself]

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[Nick and Hillary arrive at the Potato Farm. Shetland pony is coughing]

Nick Rivers: What's wrong with him?

Wagon Driver: Oh, he caught a cold last week and he's just a little hoarse.

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Blindman: Souvenirs, novelties, party tricks. Souvenirs, novelties, party tricks.

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Doctor Flamond: You see, a year ago, I was close to perfecting the first magnetic desalinization process so revolutionary, it was capable of removing the salt from over 500 million gallons of seawater a day. Do you realize what that could mean to the starving nations of the earth?

Nick Rivers: Wow. They'd have enough salt to last forever.

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Agent Cedric: [sidling up to Blindman] Know any good white basketball players?

Blindman: There are no good white basketball players.

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General Streck, German High Command: I'm afraid you leave me no alternative but to introduce you to two of my associates.

[a bald henchman comes forward]

General Streck, German High Command: Bruno is almost blind, has to operate wholly by touch.

[Cut to a blank-faced second man]

General Streck, German High Command: Klaus is a moron who knows only what he reads in the New York Post.

[Klaus is shown holding a copy of New York Post with the headline 'Maniac stalks Olivia Newton-John']

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[a wounded Latrine stumbles into the Resistance hideout]

Nigel: What did you find out, Latrine?

Du Quois: Where are the others?

Latrine, Resistance Member: Oh, we never had a chance. It was a slaughter.

Deja Vu: We must put a stop to these afternoon football games.

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Nick Rivers: Martin, I've been practicing. How this?

Nick Rivers: Ist Ihr Tochter achtzehn, bitte?

Martin: What does that mean?

Nick Rivers: Is your daughter eighteen?

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Hillary Flammond: Only a year ago, I was teaching a course in black history at the University of Blaupunkt.

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Deja Vu: Nigel, what are you saying?

Nigel: How do we know he's NOT Mel Torme?

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[last lines]

Hillary Flammond: And I'll miss you most of all scarecrow.

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[the East German national anthem]

All: Hail, hail East Germany / Land of fruit and grape / Land where you'll regret / If you try to escape / No matter if you tunnel under or take a running jump at the wall / Forget it, the guards will kill you, if the electrified fence doesn't first.

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Nick Rivers: Hillary. That's an unusual name.

Hillary Flammond: It's a German name. It means 'she whose bosoms defy gravity'.

Nick Rivers: I'm pleased to meet you. My name's Nick.

Hillary Flammond: Nick? What does that mean?

Nick Rivers: Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving.

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[Introducing his men]

Du Quois: This is Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant Garde, and Deja Vu.

Deja Vu: Haven't we met before monsieur ?

Nick Rivers: I don't think so.

Du Quois: Over there, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse.

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Doctor Flamond: If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory.

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General Streck, German High Command: ...And once again, Germany will be united under one rule - OURS. After Sunday, there will be no one to stop us.

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Du Quois: [shouts] Latrine!

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Latrine, Resistance Member: [throws dead carrier pigeon on table]

Latrine, Resistance Member: We have a traitor in our midst.

Deja Vu: Well done, Latrine. I see that you have taken care of him appropriately.

Du Quois: [looks at Deja Vu] Not the bird, you fool! This is a carrier pigeon on its way to the German Headquarters.

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Du Quois: Nigel made me go back to the meter shed. He ordered me to set off the alarms.

Deja Vu: And what does he want us to do now?

Du Quois: Nothing you numbskull, Nigel's the traitor!

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Deja Vu: Don't take it so hard Nick, life is filled with it's little miseries, each of us in his own way must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion.

[Sneezes into hands screams, and jumps out a window]

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Albert Potato, Resistance Member: [watching Nick perform in Der Pizza Haus] This is *not* Mel Torme!

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General Streck, German High Command: Stamp from the East German Headquarters: 'Find Him And Kill Him'

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Du Quois: Nick, whether you make it back or not, that plane must take off with Dr. Flammond at 1800 hours.

Deja Vu: That's why we recommend you be there at least 45 minutes before departure, especially at this time of year.

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Hillary Flammond: [in German] What do you recommend?

Waiter: [in German] I recommend the pork bellies marinated in diced pig entrails or the roast swine knuckles poached with flaming hog balls.

Nick Rivers: Anything's fine.

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Nick Rivers: Are you in some kind of trouble with the police?

Hillary Flammond: Some things are much better left unsaid.

Nick Rivers: Like what?

Hillary Flammond: Well, you know... sometimes when you blow your nose into a tissue and you put it in your purse, then a little while later you have to reach in there for your lipstick or something, and your hand gushes into it, and it goes all over...

Nick Rivers: Okay, okay, you're right, you're right. Some things are better left unsaid.

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Nick Rivers: Seems as long as I know my way around that prison, I'll never be lonely.

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Nigel: It was a Russian ship. They taught me all about you imperialist swine. I was exposed to the works of great thinkers - Karl Marx, Lenin, L. Ron Hubbard, Freddie Laker.

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Du Quois: Go with Nick. Don't worry about us. We will hear his music on the Voice of America. We will hear it in the hearts of the people, and in elevators everywhere.

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German teaching tape: I want a schnauzer with my weinerschnitzel.

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Der Pizzahaus Girl: Excuse me but aren't you Nick Rivers, the American rock 'n' roll star?

Nick Rivers: No. No I'm not.

Der Pizzahaus Girl: Oh, but you must be. If you could sing just one song...

Nick Rivers: I'm sorry but you must have me confused with someone else. I'm, uh... Mel Torme.

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Du Quois: Well, Mr. Rivers, it seems that you have become- How do you say indispensable?

Nick Rivers: Indispensable.

Du Quois: That's what I thought.

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Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member: Something's wrong here. Where's the truck?

Nick Rivers: Where's Hillary?

Deja Vu: I'm hungry.

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Hillary Flammond: [hugging her friends before getting on plane] Good-bye Chocolate Mousse, I'll never forget you. Good-bye Du Quois, take care of yourself. Good-bye Deja Vu, I'll always remember you. And I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

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Nigel: [Du Quois gives the cow head part of the disguise to Nigel] No, you take the head. I'm taking the back.

Du Quois: But the plan was...

Nigel: Forget the plan. I'm giving the orders here. Now, shut up and give me the back part.

Du Quois: Alright, be an asshole.

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Hillary Flammond: Come on. We've got to get out of here.

Nick Rivers: Don't you think we ought to wait for the police?

Hillary Flammond: That was the police!

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Blindman: Here, smell this flower. It never fails to amuse at parties.

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Nigel: Good work, Chocolate Mousse.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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