Walter Kornbluth: What a week I'm having!
Freddie: People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?
Freddie: Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving yourself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never BE that happy. I'LL never be that happy. What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything.
Walter Kornbluth: I'm really a nice guy. If I had friends you could ask them.
Stan, the Tour Guide: Welcome to the Statue of Liberty. The Statue is a gift from French citizens and has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere. BOCCE BALLS!
[Allen is being mobbed by reporters]
Freddie: Allen. You all right?
Allen: Yeah. Get me outta here.
Freddie: Is anyone here from Penthouse Magazine?
Freddie: Then we ain't talkin'.
Allen: Um, is this the big secret you've been keeping from me? Is it, that you're a mermaid, or is there something else?
Madison: No, that's it.
[remembering his first reaction to her 'reveal']
Madison: Allen, don't feel guilty.
Allen: Guilty? About what?
Madison: About not loving me anymore.
Allen: Oh, Madison. All the time we were together, you always knew how I was feeling. Can't you tell now?
[Madison smiles, and they kiss]
Allen: I don't understand. All my life I've been waiting for someone and when I find her, she's... she's a fish.
Allen: It just so happens I come from a very long line of married people.
Claude: There's a guy down the beach that runs people out to the island.
Allen: What's the name?
Claude: The guy, or the island?
Allen: I'll find him.
Walter Kornbluth: I suppose you're just some harmless beachcomber who happens to wear a TUXEDO.
Claude: Hey, Mr. Cornbeef?
Walter Kornbluth: Kornbluth!
Claude: Watcha lookin' for down there? Buried treasure?
Walter Kornbluth: Wanna know what I'm looking for? Boys? I'll tell ya. NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS! THATS'S WHAT I'M LOOKIN' FOR! Get outta my way!
[he dives off the ship and into the water]
Claude: That's pee down his air hose.
Madison: You said whatever my secret was, you'd understand.
Allen: I know, but...
Madison: You thought at least I was... a human being.
[Madison reaches for Allen, a look of pleading on her face]
[Allen jumps back and violently splashes water at Madison, looking angry]
Mrs Stimler: Oh Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages. I wrote them down right here. You got calls from CBS, NBC, ABC, AP, UPI, Ted Turner, Time, Newsweek, Marineland, Ripley's Believe it or Not, and Mrs. Paul.
Allen: [explaining why Madison is eating lobster without first breaking the shell] She's really hungry.
Allen: Are there any messages?
Mrs Stimler: Oh, yes.
[She goes back to working]
Allen: [pause] And they are?
Mrs Stimler: Huh? Oh, your father called. He wants you to call him back.
Allen: [pause] Mrs. Stimler, our father passed away about five years ago. Do you remember?
Mrs Stimler: [confused look] Right. Shall I get him for you?
Allen: No, thanks.
Allen: What is your name?
Madison: It's hard to say in English.
Allen: Then just say it in your language.
Madison: All right. My name is...
[High-pitched squeals that shatter all the television screens]
Allen: [nerevously to the store clerks] So, how about those Knicks?
Freddie: [Allen is passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl] You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.
[Allen remains comatose]
Freddie: Bartender! Another round for my friend and I here!
Allen: No, no, Freddie. I don't want to get drunk!
Freddie: But you *are* drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.
Bartender: Is he gonna' be up there all day?
Freddie: I don't know.
Allen: [coming to] Ohhhh... I'm on the bar!
Freddie: Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.
[Allen slips and falls to the floor]
Freddie: Uh-oh, you fell.
Allen: [knocking on bathroom door] Madison?
Madison: [Worriedly] Allen?
Allen: Yeah, of course, it's Allen. What are you doing, sweetheart?
Madison: Taking a bath.
Allen: [to himself] Ooo, ooo.
Allen: Can I come in?
[Madison tries to get out of the bathtub, and lands on the bathmat with a loud thump]
Allen: [concerned] What was that? Madison, are you all right?
Madison: Everything's fine.
Allen: Well, then let me in.
Madison: [using a towel to dry her fins] I'll be right there. I'm just changing.
Allen: Enough is enough, Madison. Come on, open the door. Something is wrong.
Madison: [trying to make him go away] Allen, can you make me some pancakes?
Allen: Make you some-Madison!
[jiggling the door handle, worriedly]
Allen: All right, Madison, this is getting scary. You either open up this door, or I'm gonna break it down!
Madison: [using a hair dryer to dry off her fins now] No, Allen, please!
Allen: All right, that's it!
Madison: Allen, no! No!
Allen: [tries to break down the door, and it doesn't budge] Ow.
[Allen tries several more times. As he continues, Madison throws the towel over her fins. As she does so, Allen manages to open the door, to find her lying on the bathmat. As he looks around confused, she pulls the towel away, revealing her legs]
Allen: Hi. Are you okay?
Allen: Well, why wouldn't you let me in?
Madison: I was... shy.
Allen: You were shy? After the car, and the elevator, and the bedroom, and on top of the refrigerator, you were shy?
Madison: [matter-of-factly] I was shy.
Allen: [to himself] She was shy.
Allen: You know by the time I got there, she was already gone.
Freddie: Victoria left, huh?
Allen: Yeah. You know why she left Freddie? Because I didn't love her.
Freddie: That bitch.
Allen: [standing naked in a tank with wires trailing from his body] I AM NOT A FISH! How many times do I have to tell you people that? So, can you please just let me outta here? Huh? Please? People?
Mary Bauer: [catches Freddie looking up women's skirts] Freddie!
Young Freddie: I dropped something.
Mary Bauer: Ralph, talk to him.
[Ralph smacks Freddie upside the head]
Mary Bauer: Listen to your father. Come on, from over there we can see Cape Cod.
Ralph Bauer: We were just on Cape Cod. We could have stayed there, I would have saved twelve dollars.
Mary Bauer: Allen, sweetheart, don't you want to see Cape Cod?
[Allen shakes his head]
Mary Bauer: All right, darling, you know where we are if you change your mind.
Dr. Ross: Tomorrow I want to see how she interacts with other marine life, then we'll be ready for the internal examination.
Walter Kornbluth: Internal examination?
Dr. Ross: Of course, I want to study her pulmonary system, reproductive organs, everything.
Walter Kornbluth: Doctor Ross, are we considering how the subject is responding to the examination procedures?
Dr. Ross: I'm considering everything.
Walter Kornbluth: Oh yes, I'm sure you are Doctor Ross. How stupid of me! But let me ask you this, are you considering the possibility that you might be a sadistic pig?
[Excitedly waving a Penthouse magazine]
Freddie: They published my letter. Here it is, "A lesbian no more". They published my letter.
Freddie: What you looking at? You never seen a guy who slept with a fish before?
Dr Zidell: What's happened to you? You were the brightest student in my class. True, emotionally you were twelve years old.
Walter Kornbluth: I was twelve years old.
Allen: Freddie, the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.
Freddie: She could probably speak English already. I think she was in shock from bein' arrested y'know?
Allen: Well now, what about that, huh? What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?
Freddie: Well I'm for it, of course.
Allen: I didn't even LIKE you when I first met you.
Walter Kornbluth: NOBODY likes me when they first meet me.
[Allen and Kornbluth look back to see the Marines approaching them]
Walter Kornbluth: MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVE!
Walter Kornbluth: There is a mermaid in New York City.
Dr Zidell: Oh... oh... sure... sure... y-you mean this... this... this "naked girl"? How come she's got legs?
Walter Kornbluth: She has legs out of the water, she has fins in the water. You taught me that Dr. Zidell, don't you remember? You taught me all the legends.
Wedding Guest: [Allen is an usher at a wedding and has recently ended a relationship] Hey, Allen!
Allen: [frustrated] She left me! She moved out and my life's a shambles, all right? That's the news, you want the weather? Anywhere but the first three rows!
Allen: [drunk] I don't ask for much. I don't ask to be rich, and I don't ask to be famous, and I don't ask to play center field for the New York Yankees. I just want to get married and have a wife, and a house, and I want to have a kid, and I want to go see him be a tooth in the school play!
Wedding Guest: Hey, Allen! Where's Victoria?
Allen: She's not coming! What, do you want your money back?
[Madison is watching TV, crying]
Allen: [concerned] Madison, what is it? What happened?
Madison: [still watching the TV] It's the saddest thing I ever saw.
Allen: [looks at the TV] It's 'Bonanza.'
Allen: So uh, how long are you going to be in town?
Madison: [spoken like a gameshow host] Six fun-filled days.
Allen: Oh, six days. Is that all?
Madison: [sadly] Six days, and the moon is full.
Allen: [comes into the market considerably upbeat after his first night with Madison] Hey, ev'rybody! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!
Allen: Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-yay - hey, Manuel!/My, oh, my, what a wonderful day... Plenty of sunshine headin' my way/Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-yay!
Allen: [puts a mango on his shoulder and continues singing] Mister Mango on my shoulder... Freddy! dance with me!
[grabs his brother]
Freddie: [trying to pull away] Wait! Not in front of the Teamsters!
Allen: Oh, c'mon, c'mon! They're happy guys!
Freddie: You're a rotten lead!
Allen: I love you, Madison. Go. Go!
[Madison dives into water]
Loudspeaker: Get that guy on the dock.
Allen: Leave her alone! Just leave her alone!
Guardsman: Come on you guys.
Allen: Madison. Madison!
[jumps into water]
Loudspeaker: Stay where you are. We'll get you out.
Freddie: [in Swedish, he is posing as a Swedish doctor looking at the mermaid] Hey babe! I got a twelve inch penis!
[he later reveals that this was from a Swedish porn movie he saw]
Madison: [ice skating with Allen] Is this really what happens to water when it gets cold?
Madison: [smiles] Where I come from, it never gets cold.
Allen: [sarcastically] Oh, what a breakthrough there! You know, you really opened up to me!
Madison: [pauses] Your voice sounds funny.
Allen: Well, it's called sarcasm! What, do they not have that where you come from either?
Madison: [quietly but angrily] No.
[She skates away]
Allen: [skates after her] Well now they don't have anything, do they? They don't have ice. And they don't have music and they don't have clothes. Just what kind of a place is this, Madison?