Samantha: Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease.
The Geek: Will you shut up? People around here work, alright? And will you hurry it up? I'm breaking like 30 major laws here.
[Long Duk Dong is dancing with Lumberjack, his head is on her ample chest]
Lumberjack: So... What's your name?
Long Duk Dong: Dong.
Lumberjack: What's your first name?
Long Duk Dong: Long.
Lumberjack: What's your middle name?
Long Duk Dong: Duk.
The Geek: Damn Mom, I've got my headgear on!
Caroline: [annoyed] Will you wake up?
The Geek: [opens eyes] Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you tell me who you are.
The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.
The Geek: You own a church?
Mike Baker: [about Ginny] Dad, she's got her period. Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?
Jim Baker: Where are you learning that stuff?
Mike Baker: School.
Jim Baker: Good. I get my money's worth.
Ginny: I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had men who've loved me before, but not for six months in a row.
Randy: Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion.
Brenda Baker: Can you remember to turn off the stove in twenty minutes?
Samantha: I can remember lots of things.
Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.
Grandpa Fred: [chuckles] I better go get my magnifying glass.
Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so Perky.
Grandma Helen: [reaches to cup them]
Samantha: [cut to Sam's bedroom] I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.
[Caroline is very drunk]
Caroline: Who's he?
Jake: That's me.
Caroline: Who are you?
Jake: I'm him.
Caroline: Oh, okay.
The Geek: This information cannot leave this room. Okay? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
Samantha: No problem.
The Geek: I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.
The Geek: Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no.
Jake: [Jake is now holding Samantha's panties] These are really hers?
The Geek: Yeah.
Jake: How did you get 'em?
The Geek: She gave 'em to me.
Jake: Did you...?
The Geek: No! No, Jake. She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cats meow!
Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
The Geek: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling ya.
Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
The Geek: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.
Jake: You better not be dickin' me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.
The Geek: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake: I'll kick your ass.
The Geek: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
The Geek: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?
Jake: I'll make a deal with you.
[holds up the panties]
Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?
The Geek: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.
Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
The Geek: Jake, I don't have a car.
Jake: You can take mine.
The Geek: Jake, I don't have license.
Jake: I trust you...
The Geek: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.
[holds out a bowl]
The Geek: Want a pretzel?
Jake: You sure?
[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
The Geek: Positive.
The Geek: [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw he and Caroline kissing] I'm dead.
[the phone rings and he answers it]
The Geek: Hello?
Cliff: Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
The Geek: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
Cliff: Ted, we're dying, what happened?
The Geek: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!
[the bride arrives at the church, obviously out of it]
Brenda Baker: Her monthly bill came early. Well, she's fine, she just took a muscle relaxer.
Ginny: Try *four*.
Samantha: It's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.
The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile. I mean, it's...
Samantha: Go to hell.
The Geek: VERY hostile!
Samantha: I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.
The Geek: How's it goin'?
Samantha: How's what going?
The Geek: You know - things, life, whatnot.
Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.
The Geek: By night's end, I predict me and her will interface.
The Geek: So, I mean, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or...?
Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood, so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.
Samantha: When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?
Randy: That's a cheerful thought.
Samantha: This is Farmer Fred.
The Geek: Ted.
Samantha: Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted.
The Geek: I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman.
Jim Baker: That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call 'em something else.
Jim Baker: Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.
Samantha: Mike thinks I'm a dork.
Jim Baker: Mike *is* a dork.
Samantha: I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.
Long Duk Dong: No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food!
The Geek: Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?
The Geek: Nice ma - nice manners, babe!
Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?
The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.
Randy: [laughs] Okay.
The Geek: Shoot.
Randy: Get the hell outta here.
The Geek: Just answer me one question.
Samantha: Yes, you're a total fag.
The Geek: [laughs] That's not the question.
Samantha: Thanks for getting my undies back.
Jake: Thanks for coming over.
Samantha: Thanks for coming to get me.
Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
Samantha: It already came true.
The Geek: Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.
[on the phone with the police]
Howard: What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... Hmm? No, he's not retarded.
Jim Baker: [to Samantha] I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I don't feel this little talk has helped ya. So would ya be a sport and lie to me?
Samantha: I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday.
Ginny: Darling, is something bothering you?
Ginny: ...you're really acting like... an asshole. And I think I know what it is. I think, you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention.
Samantha: You know everyone in this family has gone total outer limits.
Ginny: No, Sam, I think you're just being a little selfish... and immature.
Samantha: Oh, yes, that's it. That's *exactly* it.
Ginny: [to herself] Unbelievable. You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.
Long Duk Dong: Ohhh, sexy girlfriend!... Bonzai!
Long Duk Dong: What's happenin', hot stuff?
Long Duk Dong: Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.
Mike Baker: It's a quiche.
Long Duk Dong: How do you spell?
Grandpa Fred: Well you don't spell it, son, you eat it.
Mike Baker: What the hell are you bitchin' about? I gotta sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork.
Jake: I do independent study with her. I catch her lookin' at me a lot. It's kinda cool, the way she's always lookin' at me.
Jock: Maybe she's retarded.
Jake: I'm being serious, okay? She looks at me like she's in love with me.
Jake: Yes, hello sir, um...
Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?
Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?
Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.
Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?
Howard: [to Grandma Baker] He wants to leave a message for Sam.
Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
Jake: I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?
Randy: Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.
The Geek: [Repeated Line] Take those ridiculous things off!
The Geek: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, your car, Jake?
Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.
The Geek: This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.
The Geek: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!
Jake: Then don't hit anything.
The Geek: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don't hit anything.
The Geek: [takes item from Caroline] Thank you.
Caroline: [laughs drunkenly] Now we're both on the pill.
The Geek: What?
[spits it out]
The Geek: You gave me a birth control pill? Do you have any idea what that will do to a guy my age?
[ring-ring, no one answers the phone... ]
Jake: [as he hangs up] Ahh, eat me.
Howard: Who was it? Well what did they want?
Dorothy Baker: [shocked] Sex.
Dorothy Baker: [to Sam and Long Duk Dong] Wait a minute. I have a wonderful idea! Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?
Grandma Helen: [attempting to help with breakfast by opening a box of doughnuts] Whoops! Don't wanna use the nails.
Grandma Helen: [finally opening the box of doughnuts with a knife] Voila! Breakfast is ready!
Samantha: May I be excused?
Grandma Helen: Where are you going?
Samantha: I have a dance to go to - at school. It's a very important dance... uh we're being graded on it, for Gym.
Randy: [Samantha has filled out an "anonymous" sex quiz naming her crush, which has fallen into unknown hands] Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.
Samantha: Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.
Randy: I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a Senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.
Samantha: I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.
Randy: He's ideal for sure, but, forget it.
Samantha: God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.
Samantha: Oh my God! What should I do? Should I go up to him and and should I say, "Hi Jake, I'm Samantha", or no, maybe I should let him come to me?
The Geek: This is not my department.
[Jake rings doorbell at Samantha's house]
Long Duk Dong: Okay. I'm comin'.
[opens closet door]
Long Duk Dong: Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. Okay.
[opens front door, screams and shuts door]
Long Duk Dong: Go away! I call F.I.B. I call police! Go away!
Jake: Open the door.
Long Duk Dong: No way, Jose!
Jake: Open the door.
Long Duk Dong: You beat up my face.
Jake: You grabbed my nuts.
Long Duk Dong: [looks through frosted glass on door] Is that you?
Jake: Yeah, that me.
Long Duk Dong: [opens door] Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you my new - new-style American girlfriend.
Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?
Long Duk Dong: She not here.
Jake: Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?
Long Duk Dong: She got married.
Long Duk Dong: She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.
Long Duk Dong: Married.
Long Duk Dong: Yeah. Married
Jake: [turns around, under breath to himself] Married?
Long Duk Dong: Married! Jeez.
The Geek: I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.
Samantha: But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?
The Geek: Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.
Samantha: Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.
Samantha: [to Randy] Ever since my twelfth, I've been looking forward to my sweet sixteen.
Samantha: I swear to God this has got be a joke.
Samantha: [mouths from across the street] Me?
Jake: Yeah, you.
[smiles and jogs across the street]
Samantha: Hi. What are you doing here?
Jake: I heard you were here.
Samantha: You came here for me?
Jake: Is that okay?
Samantha: [flattered] Yeah, it's okay.
Jake: Do you have to go to reception now?
Samantha: I'm supposed to.
Jake: Can I call you later?
Samantha: Sure... I mean no.
Jake: No, I can't call you later?
Samantha: Yeah... No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception.
Jake: Oh. Great.
[walks Samantha to his Porsche]
Jake: [taking a look at the party's aftermath at his house] What a disaster.