Romancing the Stone (1984)
Jack T. Colton: My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.
Joan Wilder: Will you take 375 in traveler's checks?
Jack T. Colton: American Express?
Joan Wilder: Of course.
Jack T. Colton: You've got a deal.
Joan Wilder: What is all this?
Jack T. Colton: All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here.
Joan Wilder: Oh, marijuana.
Jack T. Colton: Oh, you smoke it?
Joan Wilder: [defensively] I went to college.
Jack T. Colton: What did you do, wake up this morning and say, "Today, I'm going to ruin a man's life"?
Grogan: [First lines] What's it gonna be, Angelina?
Joan Wilder: [voiceover narration] It was Grogan: the filthiest, dirtiest, *dumbest* excuse for a man west of the Missouri River.
Grogan: So, you can die two ways, angel: quick like the tongue of a snake, or slower than the molasses in January.
Joan Wilder: [voiceover narration] But it was October.
Grogan: I'll kill you, goddammit, if it's the Fourth of July! Where is it? Uhh. Get over there!
Joan Wilder: [voiceover narration] I told him to get out, now that he had what he came for.
Grogan: Not quite, angel.
Grogan: Take 'em off. Do it! Come on!
[Angelina kills Grogan by throwing a concealed knife]
Joan Wilder: [voiceover] That was the end of Grogan... the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible! But if there was one law of the west: Bastards had brothers, who seemed to ride forever.
Ira: Of all the things you could say to me right now, "I lost her," Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.
Ralph: Look, bullethead. If they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. I have been through every one-horse shithole for a two-hundred mile radius. You should have seen the river I had to traverse this morning. So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder. You have been an embarrasment to our family ever since the day you were born! And let me tell you something else, Ira...
[he turns and sees Joan and Jack getting out of a car]
Ralph: You are luckiest son of a bitch that ever walked the face of the earth! She's here!
Ira: She's there!
Ralph: She's right here! She's walking towards the phone. She's with some guy. How do I know? She likes guys! So do you, maricon!
Jack T. Colton: I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.
Juan: What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?
Jack T. Colton: Oh, no this is great...
Juan: Hit the road.
Jack T. Colton: No, senor, see we...
Jack T. Colton: But we...
Juan: [Points a gun at him] Vaya con Dios, gringo.
Jack T. Colton: [Jack and Joan back off and turn around, to find that all of Juan's men have pulled guns on them too] Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.
Juan: Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? *The* Joan Wilder?
[Lowering gun, opening door and walking out]
Juan: You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?
Joan Wilder: Well, yes, I am.
Juan: I read your books! I read all your books!
[Turning to his men, in Spanish]
Juan: This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!
Bad Hombre: [awestruck] Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!
[all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]
Joan Wilder: Why won't you take the elevator?
Mrs. Irwin: Oh, pumpkin, I never get into an elevator alone. You know... rapists.
[after reading Joan's new novel based on her adventure]
Gloria: Joanie, you are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic.
Joan Wilder: No, hopeful. Hopeful romantic.
[Jack shows off his new crocodile skin boots made from the crocodile he has killed]
Joan Wilder: I like your boots.
Jack T. Colton: Yup, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms.
Joan Wilder: I can't blame him. If I were to die there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be.
Jack T. Colton: I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.
Joan Wilder: Then you know how they all end.
Jack T. Colton: Yeah. Hi.
Joan Wilder: Hi.
[they kiss passionately]
Zolo: How will you die, Joan Wilder? Slow, like... a snail? Or fast, like a shooting star?
Zolo: Don't I know you?
Ralph: No comprendo.
Zolo: You are an American?
Ralph: [changing to French accent to hide his identity] Uh, odio, er... ah... americanos, uh... I spit on 'em, ptuh! I hate americanos, they're scumo! Scum!
Zolo: Êtes-vous français?
Juan: This guy who is following you, he is very persistent!
Zolo: There are schedules to be maintained, even in Colombia.
Jack T. Colton: One hell of a morning has turned into a bitch of a day!
Joan Wilder: You're the best time I've ever had.
Jack T. Colton: I've never been anybody's best time.
Ralph: Hey Ira, the kid's here with the broad. They're taking her out to the boat.
Ira: Look at those snappers, will you!
Ralph: We shoulda just rifled her room.
Ira: Ralph, how many times do I have to tell you, "It's not in the country"?
Ralph: Well this kidnapping stuff makes me real nervous. It's a piss poor idea. It's nothing but trouble. Look, we've stolen enough of these antique trinkets to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives. Let's kiss-off this third-world toilet.
Ira: One last big one, trust me Ralph, trust me. Oh! Did you see that Ralph, that ugly, striped son-of-a-bitch down there!
Ralph: Someone's gonna get killed, and you're farting around with prehistoric animals. Come on Ira, let's forget about this one. I've got a real bad feeling about it, real bad.
Ira: Will you stop worrying. Have I ever hurt you? I will never hurt you, I can't hurt you. We've got the same blood. We're not two people, we are one person! Would I hurt me?
[one of the alligators hisses]
Ira: Look at those snappers, Ralph!
Joan Wilder: You're a mondo dismo!
Jack T. Colton: I'm... what am I? I'm what?
Joan Wilder: You're a man who takes money from stranded women!
Ralph: I had it in my hands, Ira. These hands that are going to break every bone in your body.
[Zolo points a gun at his face]
Ralph: ... later.
Jack T. Colton: [Jack and Joan find the stone in a cave] Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
Ralph: [surprising them holding a gun] Understatement of the year, asshole.
Jack T. Colton: [to Joan] Is there anybody who *isn't* following you?
Ralph: Put the goods in the bag.
[Jack surrenders the stone]
Ralph: Now move it, before Batman comes home.
Jack T. Colton: [looking at a photo of his dream yacht whilst lying in bed with Joan] Someday if I had the money, I'd take you... we'd sail away... around the world and back again. I promise you. I promise you we'll do that.
[they kiss and Joan holds Jack more tightly]
Joan Wilder: Why haven't you taken the map away from me?
Jack T. Colton: What are you talking about?
Joan Wilder: I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, it's on the map. You know how close we are?
Jack T. Colton: Yeah sure I do. What's that got to do with it?
Joan Wilder: I was thinking about something you said... about having more to bargain with.
Jack T. Colton: Yeah. The best way to help your sister is to get that treasure and if you waltz into Cartagena you're holding all the cards.
Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht, then back at Jack] I'd love to see you on that boat. But Jack if we have to give it up... to save Elaine?
Jack T. Colton: Then we give it up. I mean it's your sister. Hell yeah. Of course we give it up. That's the point. At least we've got the leverage to do it.
Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht again, then back at Jack] OK. OK. Let's got for it.
Jack T. Colton: Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?
Joan Wilder: Well, I'm a romance novelist.
Jack T. Colton: You're what? What are you doing here?
Joan Wilder: I told you, my sister's life depends on me.
Jack T. Colton: Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.
Jack T. Colton: What's the matter, are you paralyzed from the neck up, or are you hurt?
Zolo: Crocodiles shed tears when they eat their prey. You have heard of these tears I am sure. But have you seen them?
Joan Wilder: Excuse me, mister. Can you tell where can I get to a telephone?
Jack T. Colton: No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.
Joan Wilder: But it's very important that I get to one.
Jack T. Colton: Well, we've all got our problems today. Don't we?
Joan Wilder: Can you tell me where the nearest town is?
Jack T. Colton: English speaking? How about Miami?
Joan Wilder: Will there be another bus?
Jack T. Colton: Another bus? This is it.
[looks around a deserted, dirt mountain road]
Jack T. Colton: You've got rush hour.
Joan Wilder: I need to get to Cartagena.
Jack T. Colton: Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena. Cartagena's over there on the coast.
Joan Wilder: But they told me this bus...
Jack T. Colton: Who told you that? Who told you this bus was going to Cartagena?
Joan Wilder: That man...
Jack T. Colton: That nice man who pulled a gun on you? What else did he tell you?
Ralph: [to Jack] Oh, oh *I'm* the creep, huh? Well at least I'm honest: I'm *stealing* this stone. I'm not trying to romance it out from under her.
Ralph: Not only are we kidnappers, but I'm about to have a close encounter with a cattle prod!
Joan Wilder: What about the bridge?
Jack T. Colton: That ain't a bridge. That's goddamned pre-Columbian art!
Jack T. Colton: Goddamn it, I knew I should've listened to my mother. I could've been a cosmetic surgeon, five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits and ass.
Jack T. Colton: [picking up a magazine] Dammit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up! Shit! When did that happen?
Joan Wilder: How long have you been down here?
Jack T. Colton: Forever.
Joan Wilder: Can we get there in your car?
Juan: Who told you I had a car?
Joan Wilder: The men in the village.
Juan: They told you I had a car? They are such comedians. They meant my little mule: Pepe.
Joan Wilder: Well, wait a minute, now. Going for the stone was my idea.
Ralph: Ah, that's what all the good con artists want you to think. He made you think you needed it, you sap!
Joan Wilder: You're leaving? You're leaving me?
Jack T. Colton: You're gonna be all right, Joan Wilder.
Jack T. Colton: You always were.
Jack T. Colton: [Ducking bullets behind a boulder] The cops? What do they want? I haven't done anything lately!
Ralph: [On the phone] All right, cousin, as usual, you got us in some serious sh*t here. First of all, the stupid dame got on the wrong bus. Now, I'm stuck in some kind of Spic-o military compound. They're mobilizing for Iwo Jima here.
Ira: Do they know who you are?
Ralph: Oh, oh, do you think I'm going up an introducing myself to every cop in the pueblo?
Jack T. Colton: I think I'm going to throw another key on the fire.
Joan Wilder: No, please, I'm getting dizzy.
Joan Wilder: What do you want? Seriously? I'd really like to know.
Jack T. Colton: Came down here in a coffee boat, about a year and a half ago. Right. Christ, what job that was. But, I couldn't get over that ocean, though, you know. Yeah. I love the ocean. You know you just got to get out there - all by yourself - nobody else around. It's beautiful. So, that's what I want. Try to get enough money together to buy a boat and sail around the world.
Joan Wilder: So, you're just gonna sail away? All by yourself?
Jack T. Colton: Yeah.
Joan Wilder: Sounds lonely, Jack T. Colton. - - Well, what does the T stand for?
Jack T. Colton: Trustworthy.
Joan Wilder: What I would really like - would be a phone.
Juan Alvarez: No. No. No. No. No phones. No phones. I hate phones. I don't have a phone. But, have a drink! Let's hang out!
Ira: [Talking about Zolo] Your little sister took the wrong road. Oh, and that "third party" that I told you about... he's tagging along.
Elaine: The man who killed my husband?
Ira: The butcher who killed your husband! A very powerful man with his own private army to back him up. And whether he calls himself Dr. Zolo, Minister of Antiquities, or Colonel Zolo, Deputy Commander of the Secret Police, he's still just a butcher!
Gloria: [Observing men in a bar] Wimp. Wimp. Loser. Loser. Major loser. Too angry. Too vague. Too desperate. God, too happy. Oh, look at this guy. Mr. Mondo Dismo. I actually used to date him. Total sleaze bucket. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold everything. Get a load of this character. What about him?
Joan Wilder: No, he's - he's just not...
Gloria: Who? Jessie?
Joan Wilder: Maybe it's silly, but, I know there is somebody out there for me.
Jack T. Colton: [as he's about to leave Joan] All right. Here's what we got to do. Get to the American Consulate. Just tell them everything.
Joan Wilder: Where are you going?
Jack T. Colton: They might believe you, but just one thing: don't mention my name. Cartagena cops and I go way back.