Romancing the Stone (1984)
Jack Colton: My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.
Joan Wilder: Will you take 375 in traveler's checks?
Jack Colton: American Express?
Joan Wilder: Of course.
Jack Colton: You've got a deal.
Joan Wilder: What is all this?
Jack Colton: All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here.
Joan Wilder: Oh, marijuana.
Jack Colton: Oh, you smoke it?
Joan Wilder: [defensively] I went to college.
Jack Colton: What did you do, wake up this morning and say, "Today, I'm going to ruin a man's life"?
Zolo: Don't I know you?
Ralph: No comprendo.
Zolo: You are an American?
Ralph: [changing to French accent to hide his identity] Uh, odio, er... ah... americanos, uh... I spit on 'em, ptuh! I hate americanos, they're scumo! Scum!
Zolo: Êtes-vous français?
Grogan: What's it gonna be, Angelina?
Joan Wilder: [voiceover] It was Grogan: the filthiest, dirtiest, *dumbest* excuse for a man west of the Missouri River.
Grogan: So, you can die two ways, angel: quick like the tongue of a snake, or slower than the molasses in January.
Joan Wilder: [voiceover] But it was October.
Grogan: I'll kill you, goddammit, if it's the Fourth of July! Where is it? Uhh. Get over there!
Joan Wilder: [voiceover] I told him to get out, now that he had what he came for.
Grogan: Not quite, angel.
Grogan: Take 'em off. Do it! Come on!
[Angelina kills Grogan by throwing a concealed knife]
Joan Wilder: [voiceover] That was the end of Grogan... the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible! But if there was one law of the west: Bastards had brothers, who seemed to ride forever.
Joan Wilder: Why won't you take the elevator?
Mrs. Irwin: Oh, pumpkin, I never get into an elevator alone. You know... rapists.
[after reading Joan's new novel based on her adventure]
Gloria: Joanie, you are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic.
Joan Wilder: No, hopeful. Hopeful romantic.
Ralph: Hey Ira, the kid's here with the broad. They're taking her out to the boat.
Ira: Look at those snappers, will you!
Ralph: We shoulda just rifled her room.
Ira: Ralph, how many times do I have to tell you, "It's not in the country"?
Ralph: Well this kidnapping stuff makes me real nervous. It's a piss poor idea. It's nothing but trouble. Look, we've stolen enough of these antique trinkets to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives. Let's kiss-off this third-world toilet.
Ira: One last big one, trust me Ralph, trust me. Oh! Did you see that Ralph, that ugly, striped son-of-a-bitch down there!
Ralph: Someone's gonna get killed, and you're farting around with prehistoric animals. Come on Ira, let's forget about this one. I've got a real bad feeling about it, real bad.
Ira: Will you stop worrying. Have I ever hurt you? I will never hurt you, I can't hurt you. We've got the same blood. We're not two people, we are one person! Would I hurt me?
[one of the alligators hisses]
Ira: Look at those snappers, Ralph!
Zolo: There are schedules to be maintained, even in Colombia.
Jack Colton: Goddamn it, I knew I should've listened to my mother. I could've been a cosmetic surgeon, five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits and ass.
Jack Colton: Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?
Joan Wilder: Well, I'm a romance novelist.
Jack Colton: You're what? What are you doing here?
Joan Wilder: I told you, my sister's life depends on me.
Jack Colton: Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.
Jack Colton: One hell of a morning has turned into a bitch of a day!
Jack Colton: What's the matter, are you paralyzed from the neck up, or are you hurt?
Ira: Of all the things you could say to me right now, "I lost her," Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.
Ralph: Look, bullethead. If they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. I have been through every one-horse shithole for a two-hundred mile radius. You should have seen the river I had to traverse this morning. So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder. You have been an embarrasment to our family ever since the day you were born! And let me tell you something else, Ira...
[he turns and sees Joan and Jack getting out of a car]
Ralph: You are luckiest son of a bitch that ever walked the face of the earth! She's here!
Ira: She's there!
Ralph: She's right here! She's walking towards the phone. She's with some guy. How do I know? She likes guys! So do you, maricon!
[Jack shows off his new crocodile skin boots made from the crocodile he has killed]
Joan Wilder: I like your boots.
Jack Colton: Yup, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms.
Joan Wilder: I can't blame him. If I were to die there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be.
Jack Colton: I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.
Joan Wilder: Then you know how they all end.
Jack Colton: Yeah. Hi.
Joan Wilder: Hi.
[they kiss passionately]
Ira: Do they know who you are?
Ralph: Oh, what, do you think I'm going up and introducing myself to every cop in the pueblo?
Zolo: Crocodiles shed tears when they eat their prey. You have heard of these tears I am sure. But have you seen them?
Joan Wilder: You're a mondo dismo!
Jack Colton: I'm... what am I? I'm what?
Joan Wilder: You're a man who takes money from stranded women!
Zolo: How will you die, Joan Wilder? Slow, like... a snail? Or fast, like a shooting star?
Joan Wilder: Can we get there in your car?
Juan: Who told you I had a car?
Joan Wilder: The men in the village.
Juan: They told you I had a car? They are such comedians. They meant my little mule: Pepe.
Ralph: I had it in my hands, Ira. These hands that are going to break every bone in your body.
[Zolo points a gun at his face]
Ralph: ... later.
Juan: This guy who is following you, he is very persistent!
Joan Wilder: Excuse me, mister. Can you tell where can I get to a telephone?
Jack Colton: No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.
Joan Wilder: But it's very important that I get to one.
Jack Colton: Well, we've all got our problems today. Don't we?
Joan Wilder: Can you tell me where the nearest town is?
Jack Colton: English speaking? How about Miami?
Joan Wilder: Will there be another bus?
Jack Colton: Another bus? This is it.
[looks around a deserted, dirt mountain road]
Jack Colton: You've got rush hour.
Joan Wilder: I need to get to Cartagena.
Jack Colton: Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena. Cartagena's over there on the coast.
Joan Wilder: But they told me this bus...
Jack Colton: Who told you that? Who told you this bus was going to Cartagena?
Joan Wilder: That man...
Jack Colton: That nice man who pulled a gun on you? What else did he tell you?
Grogan: [a gunslinger breaks down the door of an old Western house and confronts the solitary young woman inside] What's it gonna be, Angelina?
Joan Wilder: [narrating] It was Grogan, the filthiest, dirtiest, dumbest excuse for a man west of the Missouri River.
Grogan: [cocks one barrel of his shotgun] You can die two ways, angel: quick like the tongue of a snake, or slower than the molasses in January.
[cocks the second barrel]
Joan Wilder: [narrating] But it was October.
Grogan: I'll kill ya, Goddammit, if it's the Fourth of July! Where is it?
Jack Colton: [Jack and Joan find the stone in a cave] Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
Ralph: [surprising them holding a gun] Understatement of the year, asshole.
Jack Colton: [to Joan] Is there anybody who *isn't* following you?
Ralph: Put the goods in the bag.
[Jack surrenders the stone]
Ralph: Now move it, before Batman comes home.
Ralph: [to Jack] Oh, oh *I'm* the creep, huh? Well at least I'm honest: I'm *stealing* this stone. I'm not trying to romance it out from under her.
Ralph: Not only are we kidnappers, but I'm about to have a close encounter with a cattle prod!
Jack Colton: [looking at a photo of his dream yacht whilst lying in bed with Joan] Someday if I had the money, I'd take you... we'd sail away... around the world and back again. I promise you. I promise you we'll do that.
[they kiss and Joan holds Jack more tightly]
Joan Wilder: Why haven't you taken the map away from me?
Jack Colton: What are you talking about?
Joan Wilder: I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, it's on the map. You know how close we are?
Jack Colton: Yeah sure I do. What's that got to do with it?
Joan Wilder: I was thinking about something you said... about having more to bargain with.
Jack Colton: Yeah. The best way to help your sister is to get that treasure and if you waltz into Cartagena you're holding all the cards.
Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht, then back at Jack] I'd love to see you on that boat. But Jack if we have to give it up... to save Elaine?
Jack Colton: Then we give it up. I mean it's your sister. Hell yeah. Of course we give it up. That's the point. At least we've got the leverage to do it.
Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht again, then back at Jack] OK. OK. Let's got for it.
Joan Wilder: What about the bridge?
Jack Colton: That ain't a bridge. That's goddamned pre-Columbian art!
Jack Colton: I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.
Juan: What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?
Jack Colton: Oh, no this is great...
Jack Colton: Hit the road.
Jack Colton: No, senor, see we...
Jack Colton: But we...
Juan: [Points a gun at him] Vaya con Dios, gringo.
Jack Colton: [Jack and Joan back off and turn around, to find that all of Juan's men have pulled guns on them too] Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.
Juan: Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? *The* Joan Wilder?
[Lowering gun, opening door and walking out]
Juan: You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?
Joan Wilder: Well, yes, I am.
Juan: I read your books! I read all your books!
[Turning to his men, in Spanish]
Juan: This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!
Bad Hombre: [awestruck] Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!
[all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]
Jack Colton: [picking up a magazine] Dammit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up! Shit! When did that happen?
Joan Wilder: How long have you been down here?
Jack Colton: Forever.