Willy:
If bachlorette number one isn't out here in half a tick I'm gonna ice bachlorette number two, got it?
Samantha:
You were born with an asshole, Doris, you don't need Chuck.
[
When her MAC-10 jams while target shooting]
Samantha:
Daddy would have gotten us Uzis.
[
after shooting one of his friends]
Regina Belmont:
You're crazy!
Willy:
I'm not crazy, I just don't give a fuck.
Regina Belmont:
Have you ever been hit with Dots, Mel? Milk Duds? Those things hurt!
Willy:
You wouldn't believe what we want from you. In your worst nightmare you wouldn't believe.
Willy:
Let's play a game, it's called scary noises.
Samantha:
[
with mock sincerity] The burden of civilization is upon us...
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
Ohhh.
[
smiling]
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
Bitchin', isn't it?
Samantha:
You're not gonna blame me because the phone went dead. I'm not the phone company. Nobody's the phone company anymore!
Party Guest:
In 1910, Haley's Comet Returned. Everyone thought they were going to die then.
Davenport:
[
coaxing the children for a shot] You'll just fall asleep and then you'll see Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
Brian, Survivor Child:
I don't believe in Santa Claus.
Dr. Carter, Project Chief:
What? You don't believe in Santa?
Samantha:
They're around.
Regina Belmont:
They're not around.
Samantha:
Look, if you're trying to scare me, you're doing it okay?
Regina Belmont:
I'm not trying to scare you.
Samantha:
Then stop it!
Regina Belmont:
I'm not doing it! You try calling someone. Not just your pep squad. Anyone. Nobody's home!
Hector Gomez:
[
Yelling at think tank zombies] Think tank, huh?
[
Flipping them off]
Hector Gomez:
Think on this!
Regina Belmont:
C'mon Hector, the MAC-10 submachine gun was practically designed for housewives.
Samantha:
Nice car.
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
Thanks, I have 23 of them.
Regina Belmont:
Do you have your MasterCard on you?
Samantha:
No.
Regina Belmont:
Good, because you don't need it. THE STORES ARE OPEN!
Samantha:
Doris, Reggie's on the phone.
Doris Belmont:
She's not having car trouble?
Samantha:
She's going to be out all night with her science class at the observatory. I know all about it.
Regina Belmont:
Yeah. Hi, Doris.
Doris Belmont:
What's this about a science class, Regina?
Regina Belmont:
Well, you want me to do better in science don't you?
Doris Belmont:
I want you home in 5 minutes after you finish work. If you want to watch the comet you can do it here.
Regina Belmont:
Look, Doris. Like, I'm 18 okay? And I can watch the comet where ever I want to watch the comet.
Regina Belmont:
DMK? Who the hell is DMK?
Stock Boy:
Attention K-mart shoppers!
Mel:
I want you to take this flashlight and walk the house.
Samantha:
But Mel, they throw things at me!
Mel:
I don't want those weirdos ripping up the seats.
Samantha:
Have you ever been hit with Dots? Milk Duds? Those things hurt you know.
Mel:
Take flashlight. Walk house. Now!
Dr. Carter, Project Chief:
Are you pregnant?
Regina Belmont:
No. Thought I was once.
Dr. Carter, Project Chief:
That's not important.
Regina Belmont:
Longest three weeks of my life.
Guard #2:
She's dead.
Hector Gomez:
Hell, she ain't dead. This doctor shot her up with sodium pentothal to make this fellow think she was dead. So you wouldn't suck the blood outta her, you bastard.
Larry:
If he calls, you tell him that I'm on my way down there and that I'm very, very, very, very pissed!
Regina Belmont:
What about my fifteen bucks?
Larry:
Tell him you're pissed, too!
Regina Belmont:
That's the end of you, DMK! You're history!
Regina Belmont:
[
sitting on police car] What are you going to do when your complexion freaks out? Dermatologist is dead, ya know?
Samantha:
I know, and I'm getting a rash or something too.
Regina Belmont:
Oh, God! You and your rashes!
Samantha:
Hey, I'm sorry if the end of the world makes me a little nervous.
[
the Monster Kid smashes his way through the door with his fists]
Hector Gomez:
Geez! There goes the neighborhood.
Samantha:
So you guys are geniuses?
Audrey:
Yeah - or we thought we were.
Samantha:
We had a couple of geniuses at school...
Samantha:
...they're both wimps.
[
Passes out]
Dr. Carter, Project Chief:
Have you ever had hepatitis?
Regina Belmont:
No. I had "mono" once though.
[
the Monster jumps out from the Alley]
Regina Belmont:
Whoa... what is this, trick or treat?
Monster in Alley:
Come here!
Regina Belmont:
Wh-what?
Monster in Alley:
COME HERE!
Regina Belmont:
"Come here" your ass!
Sarah:
I don't know, my parents told me never to breathe anything from strangers.
Sarah:
[
to the scientist who want her to breathe nitrous oxide] I don't know, my parents told me never to breathe anything from strangers.
Regina Belmont:
[
Regina comes in to rescue the kids with a revolver] Hey, get your hands up.
[
the scientists and kids raise their hands and Regina picks up the toy bunny Sarah dropped]
Regina Belmont:
What are you guys doing?
Sarah:
They said if we breathe this, we can go to the North Pole to see Santa Clause.
Regina Belmont:
That's so sick!
Samantha:
[
Samantha appears out of nowhere] Hey!
[
Regina turns and fires at the voice, Samantha narrowly ducks and avoids the shot]
Samantha:
Holy shit!
Brian, Survivor Child:
Whoa.
Regina Belmont:
Sam?
Samantha:
[
with her hands up] I give, I give.
Regina Belmont:
They said you were dead!
Samantha:
[
with a triumphant smile] They were exaggerating totally.
Regina Belmont:
[
running to Hector's car] Come on kids!
Hector Gomez:
Who are the kids?
Brian, Survivor Child:
I'm Brian!
Sarah:
I'm Sarah!
Regina Belmont:
Yeah, and I'm aunt Reg, and that's aunt Sam, and that's uncle Hector.
Sarah:
Can I have my bunny?
Regina Belmont:
In a minute! Beat feet uncle Hector.
Hector Gomez:
Uncle Hector?
Sarah:
Hey, it's MY bunny you know.
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
[
Danny stops next to Samantha after he almost hit her with his Mercedes convertible] Gawd, I'm sorry but you shouldn't cross against the light like that. Hey, you guys are survivors too, huh?
Samantha:
[
looks upward and mouths] thank you
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
What?
Samantha:
Nothing. Great car!
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
thanks, I have 23 of em', you want to go for a ride?
Samantha:
More than you know.
Hector Gomez:
[
to Regina] We don't know anything about this guy. Where's he from? What's his name?
Samantha:
What's your name?
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
Danny Mason Keener.
Samantha:
[
to the others] Danny Mason Keener, ok?
Regina Belmont:
Yeah, alright, well, just be back by midnight, ok?
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
Midnight?
Samantha:
The burden of civilization is on us, ok?
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
Oh yeah. Bitchin', isn't it?
[
last lines]
Samantha:
[
calling across the street to the others after Regina pushes the crosswalk button] What are you waiting for?
Hector Gomez:
We're waiting for the light to change.
Regina Belmont:
We DO NOT cross against the light!
Samantha:
[
looks at the red crosswalk light] Are you nuts, auntie Regina?
Regina Belmont:
[
sighs] You may as well face the facts Samantha. The whole burden of civilization has fallen upon us.
Samantha:
What's that supposed to mean?
Regina Belmont:
It MEANS we do not cross against the light!
Samantha:
[
walks out into the street] That's totally stupid, there's nobody here! See, we're talking ghost town!
Regina Belmont:
[
a convertible comes speeding around the corner, Samantha jumps out of the way to avoid getting hit, Regina says to Brian] See what happens?
Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
[
the convertible turns around and comes to a stop by Samantha] Gawd, I'm sorry but you shouldn't cross against the light like that.
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