Bill the Frog: I'll pick up the bill today, Gil.
Gil the Frog: Would you like something from the grill, Jill?
Jill the Frog: No, meat makes me ill, Gil.
[Kermit, suffering from amnesia, doesn't remember he is engaged to Miss Piggy]
Kermit the Frog: Me? In love with a pig? Wait 'til I tell the guys in marketing.
Kermit the Frog: Maybe you expected me to go HOG-wild? Perhaps you could bring home the BACON! Ahhh... the sounds of love: su-EEEEE! Oink, oink!
Miss Piggy: Cancel the show! Hi-yah!
[Karate chops Kermit]
[Masterson Rat is infatuated with Brooke Shields]
Brooke Shields: Is something wrong?
Masterson Rat: Do you believe in interspecies dating?
Brooke Shields: Well, I've dated some rats before, if that's what you mean.
Kermit the Frog: I'm staying! You hear that, New York? THE FROG IS STAYING!
Pete: Hey, I tell you what is. Big city, hmm? Live, work, huh? But not city only. Only peoples. Peoples is peoples. No is buildings. Is tomatoes, huh? Is peoples, is dancing, is music, is potatoes. So, peoples is peoples. Okay?
Ronnie Crawford: Dad! Dad! I've got great news!
[Bernard sees Kermit]
Bernard Crawford: If you two are in love, I don't wanna know about it.
[On Manhattan Melodies]
Bernard Crawford: Just because the whole thing is crazy doesn't mean it won't make it on Broadway!
[after contorting Kermit's legs, arm and mouth]
Kermit's Doctor: No doubt about it; you've got amnesia.
Janice: [talks on phone] So I told him "Listen, buddy, I don't take my clothes off for anybody, even if it IS artistic".
Statler: Hey, look, Waldorf. It's the frog and the pig.
Waldorf: Yeah, it looks like they're in love.
Waldorf: Kinda makes you sick, doesn't it?
Statler: Hey, lovey doveys!
Waldorf: Hubba, hubba!
[the Swedish Chef is the popcorn vender at a movie theater showing a 3D film]
The Swedish Chef: Yaa da poppin' corn is...
[throws popcorn in the air]
The Swedish Chef: 3D! Da corn is popping in your face inna...
[throws popcorn in his own face]
The Swedish Chef: 3-D!
Gonzo: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, I'm looking for a frog who can sing and dance!
The Honorable Edward I. Koch: If he can balance the budget, I'll hire him!
Kermit the Frog: Piggy? I thought Gonzo was going to play the minister.
[Miss Piggy answers with a nervous, guilty laugh]
[On seeing Beth]
Fozzie Bear: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know this cave was co-ed.
Mr. Skeffington: Snookums prefers the rubber Wall Street Journal to the rubber Washington Post.
Rowlf: Don't we all?
Miss Piggy: I spy because I care!
Kermit the Frog: Well I care, too!
Miss Piggy: Well why don't you say so?
Kermit the Frog: I JUST DID!
Miss Piggy: ALL RIGHT!
[They start screaming, then try to catch their breath]
Roller Skater: Keep the skates. Keep the skates. I don't use 'em anyway; I just like to run around in shorts.
Ronnie Crawford: Well I told you... I want to do something different!
Bernard Crawford: So put some Jell-O down your pants!
Ronnie Crawford: But, Pop, I told you - I want to do something different!
Bernard Crawford: So put some Jell-O down your pants.
Gonzo: Maybe we should add more special effects like exploding socks.
[Martin Price holds a gun on Gonzo's chicken]
Martin Price: Get back or the chicken gets it!
Police Officer: That's a threat?
[Gonzo uses mouth-to-mouth resuicitation on his chicken]
Miss Piggy: Gonzo, is Camilla all right?
Gonzo: Yeah, but I think we're engaged!
Miss Piggy: Oh, dear Lord! Not jogging!
[at the beginning of the movie during the play, Animal chases a young lady up a seating aisle]
Animal: WOMAN! WOMAN! WOMAN! WOMAN!
[he turns around and looks at the audience]
Animal: WOMAN! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[after Mr. Skeffington is done talking baby talk to his dog]
Rowlf: It's amazing. You speak Chinese like a native.
[the Muppets have shacked up in bus station lockers]
Janice: I'll trade with anyone who has a Jacuzzi.
[after having Beth snuggle up to him]
Fozzie Bear: K-k-kermit...
Policeman: Hey! Watch it!
Kermit the Frog: Oh, sorry. I gotta get a contract so I can go out and kill 'em.
Policeman: [dismissing his suspicion after a moment] Nahhhhh!
Baby Kermit: [Muppet Babies, singing] She's gonna be a movie star. And she wants to learn to drive a car; gonna be a vet'rinarian, too.
Miss Piggy: And I'm gonna always love you-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Fozzie Bear: Well, she's gonna be a singer, whoa whoa whoa!
Scooter: And she's gonna learn to fly a plane!
Rowlf: She'll be a doctor of diseases and help you with your sneezes...
Gonzo: ...and practice neurosurgery on your brain!
Rizzo the Rat: What's this supposed to be?
Pete: Is grits! Grits! Hominy grits!
Rizzo the Rat: How should I know how many? Count 'em yourself.
Statler: Well, Waldorf, they finally made it to Broadway.
Waldorf: Yes, and I already bought tickets.
Statler: Are they good seats?
Waldorf: Sure are. They're on the next train out of town.
Pete: Rats want job. Frog want job. What next, penguins?
[a group of penguins peek through the door]
Penguin: Do you have any jobs available?
Pete, Kermit, and the Rats: No!
Penguin: Well, excuse us for living!
Dog in kennel: Does Snookums Wookums want a boney woney?
Dog in kennel: [to Snookums] Hey, Squishy Bottom!
Dog in kennel: [to Snookums] Little Binky Booter!
Fozzie Bear: Hey, Kermit. Can our friends watch the show from backstage?
Kermit the Frog: What? No! No, they cannot watch the show from backstage. That's it! That's what's been missing from the show! That's what we need! More frogs and dogs and bears and chickens and... and whatever! You're not gonna watch the show, you're gonna be in the show! Come on, everyone!
Bill the Frog: How about this? Ocean Breeze Soap: It's just like taking an ocean cruise, only there's no boat and you don't actually go anywhere.
Kermit the Frog: Why don't you try something like: Ocean Breeze Soap will get you clean.
Jill the Frog: You mean just say what the product does?
Gil the Frog: No one's ever tried that before.
Kermit the Frog: What's going on here?
Scooter: Well... uh... we just got job offers. Uh... right guys?
[everyone lies with ad libs, "yeah", "sure", "job offers"]
Kermit the Frog: That's great. But why do you all look so sad?
Scooter: Well, it's just... they're kind of... out of town job offers. Right guys?
[more ad libs with "yes", "out of town", etc]
Gonzo: What job did I get?
Scooter: Gonzo! Shut up!
Kermit the Frog: [whispering] Piggy, I thought Gonzo was gonna play the minister.
Miss Piggy: [laughs]
The Minister: [singing] Do you, Piggy, take this frog to be your lawful wedded husband? Do you?
Miss Piggy: [singing] I do.
The Minister: [singing] Do you, Froggie, take this pig to be your lawful wedded wife until you die?
Kermit the Frog: [hesitantly singing] Well... I...
The Minister: [singing] Do you?
Kermit the Frog: [as everyone else listens intently for his decision, still singing] Well... I do.
The Minister: [singing] Then because you share a love so big, I now pronounce you Frog and Pig.
Kermit the Frog: [after being taken hostage] Gonzo, are you alright?
Gonzo: I just saw my life flash before my nose!
Yolanda - Rat: [serving up 2 fried eggs on toast with steak fries] Hey Pete, here ya go. Two zeros on a trampoline with a side of Joan of Arc.
Rizzo the Rat: [Rizzo walks by with a plate of food] Gangway! Coming through! Hey Watch it, will ya?
Fozzie Bear: Hey, that waiter's a rat!
Floyd: I'm glad we got no money, now I got no appetite.
Roller Skater: Can I get my skates back please?
Kermit the Frog: Hey, hey just a second. How did you know about that "toupe"?
Miss Piggy: None of your beeswax!
Kermit the Frog: Hey have you been spying on me?
Roller Skater: I'll unlace them, while you fight. It's no trouble.
Kermit the Frog: Piggy! Have you been spying on me?
Miss Piggy: Maybe spying on vous and that certain young girl of the opposite gender.
Roller Skater: You two-timing her?
Kermit the Frog: No that's just Jenny. She's a friend. She's a friend and she's been trying to help me sell the show.
Miss Piggy: Ha!
Roller Skater: [to Piggy] He's gotta sell the show.
Roller Skater: What show?
Miss Piggy: Well if she is just a friend then what about the... the huggies?
Kermit the Frog: What?
Roller Skater: [shocked] The Huggies! You gave Jenny the huggies?
Miss Piggy: You know maybe, maybe Kermit, maybe it would have been better if we had never have met. Then, then you and Jenny would not be tormented by my presence.
Kermit the Frog: Oh gee.
Roller Skater: See what the huggies'll getcha?