Micki + Maude (1984)
Maude Salinger: [during labor] I'm fine, except for some incredibly painful spasms which let me know that there IS a God, and He's a sexist pig!
Rob Salinger: I don't want to divorce, Micki, I just want to marry Maude.
Leo Brody: You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Rob Salinger: I've been with her for ten years. I can't give them up just like that. And it's have your cake and eat it too.
Leo Brody: What do you mean?
Rob Salinger: To have your cake, anyone can do. To eat it and still have some left, that's the trick.
Leo Brody: Eat your cake, have your cake, who cares? You're about to get a plate of sauteed brains thrown into your face, your entire career is the toilet, and you're correcting my grammar?
Nurse Mary Verbeck: [in the scrub room before Micki's surgery] They know.
Dr. Elliot Fibel: They know what? Who?
Nurse Mary Verbeck: The Salingers. They know I worship your body like a French cathedral.
Dr. Elliot Fibel: I don't care who knows, Mary. You're my woman and I'm your man!
Dr. Elliot Fibel: [they kiss passionately] Never the less, if they can keep a secret, ha ha, so can I.
[they kiss again]
Maid of Honor: [after catching the bouquet at Rob and Maude's wedding] I guess I'm next.
Leo Brody: Oh, I don't think he has the time.
[speaking of Rob]
Micki Salinger: [during labor] I'll need a phone.
Admissions clerk: A phone in the labor room?
Micki Salinger: Yes, and I don't suppose I could have a stenographer in the labor room?
Leo Brody: [to Rob] Oh, my God. You look like someone just took out all your blood and replaced it with milk.
Nurse Mary Verbeck: [telling a spaced out Micki about Rob's infidelity] I have some bad news, Mrs. Salinger. Dr. Fibel and I... how shall I put this. Dr. Fibel and I...
Micki Salinger: It's okay, I know.
Nurse Mary Verbeck: You do?
Micki Salinger: Yes.
Nurse Mary Verbeck: And you don't mind?
Micki Salinger: Why should I mind?
Nurse Mary Verbeck: Frankly, I'm shocked.
Micki Salinger: What am I supposed to do cancel surgery because my doctor's having an affair with his nurse?
Nurse Mary Verbeck: What?
Micki Salinger: [laughing hysterically] You're having an affair with Dr. Fibel.
Nurse Mary Verbeck: What on earth are you talking about? I'm not that kind of woman and neither is Dr. Fibel.
Rob Salinger: [Nurse Verbeck leaves the room in a huff and Rob steps in to find Micki laughing away] Micki, Micki, is everything all right in here?
Micki Salinger: Oh, Rob, did you noticed that Nurse Verbeck is just a little bit menopausal?
Rob Salinger: [the morning after sleeping with Maude] God, I'm so hungover, my head feels like a tuning fork.
Maude Salinger: [at the wrestling match] Come on, Gorilla, kill that son of a bitch!
Rob Salinger: Gorilla Muldoon, is your father?
Maude Salinger: That's not his real name.
Micki Salinger: [to Rob about Maude] You've been sleeping with her the same way Fibel's been sleeping with Verbeck!
Dr. Elliot Fibel: [in the operating room] Knock that woman out!
Rob Salinger: What am I supposed to say? "Micki, a decade is a long time to be intimate with another human being, but I'm..."
Leo Brody: A little stiff. A little stiff, Rob. How about "Dear..."?
Rob Salinger: Dear? What do you mean "dear"? I don't call her "dear", she's a lawyer.
Leo Brody: Oh... "Councilor"? I'm just not good enough for you.
Rob Salinger: Oh! Common, Leo... Jesus! Wait a minute. Uhm... Oh! Common, Leo... Jesus! Wait a minute. Uhm... "Sometimes in a relationship, uhm... Sometimes in a relationship things happen that neither party anticipates."
Leo Brody: Yeah, you've got the punch, now you need the pillow.
Rob Salinger: What do you mean?
Leo Brody: You'll gonna knock her out with this news, you need a pillow for her to land on.
Rob Salinger: Yeah, I suppose...
Leo Brody: "Micki, I love you. I'll always love you."
Rob Salinger: Yeah.
Leo Brody: Uhm... "These years with you, I've seen you blossom from a young girl into a mature woman."
Rob Salinger: No, no, no. I mean, she was always a mature woman, even at 25.
Leo Brody: All right, you like the part "Micki, I love you. I'll always love you", like that, right?
Rob Salinger: Look, Leo. It's all right, but it's not exp...
Leo Brody: Well, "Micki, I love you. I'll always love you..."
Rob Salinger: "And... and... I'm..."
Leo Brody: "... and I've knocked up a girl, I'm gonna marry and I want a divorce."
Rob Salinger: Great, where's the pillow?
Leo Brody: "We'd like to name the baby after you."