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Johnny Dangerously (1984) Poster

Quotes

Roman Moroni: I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves.

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Danny Vermin: You shouldn't grab me, Johnny. My mother grabbed me once... ONCE!

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[Ma Kelly is pouring drinks for everybody]

Tommy Kelly: Mom, it's prohibition!

Ma Kelly: Oh, shut up! Stop acting like some fag choir boy!

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[Leaving a crime scene with his sidekick, Dutch]

Danny Vermin: Hey, doll, how'd you like to make some money?

Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: One at a time, or both of you together?

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Danny Vermin: I've been fulfilling a lot of people's prophecies about me; I've become a real scumbag.

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Jocko Dundee: How's tricks, Moroni?

Roman Moroni: What are you doing here, icehole?

Jocko Dundee: Hey, can't a fellow enjoy a night out gambling with some of his pals?

Roman Moroni: Don't bullshtein me.

[to one of his men]

Roman Moroni: Search this somanabatch.

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Johnny Dangerously: You got those. I like those on a woman.

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Roman Moroni: Why you miserable cork-soaker!

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Ma Kelly: The Lower East Side. This really sucks.

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Ma Kelly: Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!

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Ma Kelly: I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid. You wanna hump your brains out. Vavoom, vavoom, vavoom!

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Danny Vermin: I AM handicapped: I'm psychotic.

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Roman Moroni: This is fargin war!

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Danny Vermin: You shouldn't kick me in the balls, Mrs. Kelly. My sister kicked me in the balls once...

[Stumbles in pain]

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Lil: Get this to Johnny on the grapevine. Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the savoy theater tomorrow night. Got it?

Polly the parrot: Got it.

[flies away]

Polly the parrot: [arrives at prison mess hall and lands on the shoulder of a prisoner] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater. Pass it on.

Prisoner: [to the next prisoner sitting next to him] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on.

Prisoner: [to the next prisoner, "telephone" style] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's mother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on.

Prisoner: [to the next prisoner] Vermin's mother is going to kill Johnny tonight at the Savoy theater. Pass it on.

Prisoner: [to the next prisoner]

[unintelligible]

Prisoner: ... at the Savoy. Pass it on.

Prisoner: There's a message through the grapevine, Johnny.

Johnny Dangerously: Yeah? What is it?

Prisoner: Johnny and the Mothers are playing "Stompin' at the Savoy" in Vermont tonight.

Johnny Dangerously: Vermin's going to kill my brother at the Savoy theater tonight.

Prisoner: I didn't say that.

Johnny Dangerously: No, but I know this grapevine.

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Warden: Your turn, Johnny. The priest you've requested has arrived.

Charley: [pretending to be a priest] Are you ready, my son?

Johnny Dangerously: I'm ready if you are, father.

Charley: Dominus vobiscum nabisco. Espiritu sanctum. De gustibus.

Prisoner: [hands Johnny a part of a tommy gun] So long, Johnny.

Charley: Me gustibus. You gustibus. We missed the bus. They missed the bus.

Prisoner: [hands Johnny another piece of the gun] Be brave, huh, Johnny.

Charley: When's the next bus?

Johnny Dangerously: [begins putting the gun together behind the wardens back] Always, Nails.

Charley: Summa cum laude. Magna cum laude. The radio's too laude. Adeste fidelis.

Prisoner: [gives Johnny another piece] Good luck, Johnny.

Charley: Centra fidelis. High fidelis.

Johnny Dangerously: [struggling to put it together] Why didn't I take shop?

Charley: Post meridian. Ante meridian. Uncle meridian. All of the little meridians.

Prisoner: [adds another piece] Bye bye, Johnny.

Johnny Dangerously: [adds piece to gun] Bye, Rock.

Charley: Magna carta. Master charga.

Prisoner: [hands piece to Johnny] Spit in his eye, Johnny!

Johnny Dangerously: [finishes putting the gun together] OK, rabbi.

Charley: [opens his bible to reveal the guns clip] Dum procellas. Lotsa Vitalis.

Warden: Any last words, Johnny?

[gun cocks]

Warden: [turns to see Johnny pointing a tommy gun at him] Well said!

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Danny Vermin: Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.

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Danny Vermin: I got something to stop him.

Dutch: They made it for him special. It's an eighty-eight Magnum.

Danny Vermin: It shoots through schools.

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Lil: And shelf paper! Oh, Johnny, I *love* shelf paper!

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Ma Kelly: You've gotten to be like a daughter to me and I wanna share somethin' with ya.

Lil: Awww, what's that Mom Kelley?

Ma Kelly: I go both ways.

Lil: Oh.

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Johnny Dangerously: Hey Pope, why don't you go build yourself a new gym at the Vatican.

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Ma Kelly: I love em', but one day I'm gonna knock em' on his ass.

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Johnny Dangerously: The years hadn't softened Moronie. He continued to murder the English Language, and anyone who got in his way.

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Johnny Kelly: Say kid, what do they call you?

Lil: Impressive.

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Danny Vermin: I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things.

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Johnny Dangerously: The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously.

Lil: Did you know you're last name is an adverb?

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Tommy Kelly: You were gonna take a bullet for me.

Johnny Kelly: Actually, I was just counting on a lot of missing.

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Johnny Dangerously: I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to. What's your last name?

Hood: Binderhoff.

Johnny Dangerously: Binderhoff? Perfect. Keep that name and you'll stay out of trouble.

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Prisoner: Johnny and the Mothers are playin' Stompin' At the Savoy in Vermont tonight.

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[after his sabotaged toilet explodes]

Jocko Dundee: [to Johnny] You got the number of that other plumber?

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D.A. Burr: (On Johnny Dangerously's payroll) Why don't you ease into the job, by taking a vacation?

Tommy Kelly: But what about crime?

D.A. Burr: Don't worry. It'll still be here when you get back!

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Chorus Girl: I'm not wearing a bra, Johnny.

Johnny Dangerously: Yeah? Well that makes two of us.

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Ma Kelly: With a father like "Killer" Kelly, it's a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece 'o shit criminal!

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Lil: So when I was 18 I left home and came here to Chicago.

Johnny Dangerously: Uh Lil, this ain't Chicago. We're in New York.

Lil: You're kidding.

[pause]

Lil: Well, New York, Chicago, to a girl on her own, it's all the same.

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[Johnny sees a steaming pot on the stove]

Johnny Dangerously: Whatcha cookin' here ma?

Ma Kelly: Beer.

Johnny Dangerously: With noodles! Great idea!

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[In the middle of a trial]

Tommy Kelly: ...that Roman Troy Maronie was responsible for: the Mother's Day Massacre, The Christmas Day Slaughter, The Lincoln's Birthday Mutilations, and The Groundhog's Day Be-headings!

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Danny Vermin: You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!

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[Upon learning Johnny is the D.A.'s brother]

Charley: Johnny, is this true? 'Cause if it is,

[pause]

Charley: I don't know how to react!

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Roman Moroni: You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches. My own club!

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Danny Vermin: This goes through armor. And through the victim, through the wall, through a tree outside...

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Newspaper Headline: Roman Moroni Deported to Sweden. Says He's Not From There.

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Danny Vermin: You shouldn't have shot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once...

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Tommy Kelly: Sally's place is in the home, and I intend to support her, and I'll do anything - shine boots, drive a hack, blow glass - anything.

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Johnny Dangerously: [after bathroom has exploded] Take it easy!

Jocko Dundee: Take it easy? I'm standing here with my dork in my hand!

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Desk Sergeant: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the look out for... now listen to this: Dangerously and accomplices dressed as nuns driving a sedan covered with... oh you'll love this... duckies and bunnies.

Desk Sergeant: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Come to Dooley's bar and grill. I'm buyin'.

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Tommy Kelly: Sally's place is in the home and I intend to support her and I'll do anything - shine boots, drive a hack, blow glass. Anything.

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Tommy Kelly: Oh God! How do you get laid in 1930?

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Tommy Kelly: [Ma Kelly pours a shot for Tommy] Mom, it's Prohibition.

Ma Kelly: Aw, shut up! Stop acting like a fag choir boy.

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Johnny Dangerously: Alright here it is. Johnny Dangerously is going legit.

Member of Dundee's gang: Le-what?

Johnny Dangerously: Legit.

Charley: Le-why?

Danny Vermin: I'll tell you le-why. Because Johnny Dangerously is really Johnny Kelly, brother of the D.A., Tommy Kelly.

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Ma Kelly: Open up! It's Ma Kelly!

Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: [opens her door] What do you want? Get out of here.

Ma Kelly: I got to talk to you.

Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: We don't have nothing to say to each other.

Ma Kelly: We got plenty to say to each other. We got a lot in common.

Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: Yeah, what?

Ma Kelly: We both scrub floors. We're both swell lookers. And neither one of us is Chinese.

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Young Johnny: Dr. Magnus, how's my mother?

Dr. Magnus: It's her pancreas again, Johnny. She's gonna need an operation immediately.

Young Johnny: How much is it gonna cost?

Dr. Magnus: $49.95

Young Johnny: $49.95?

Dr. Magnus: This week only.

Young Johnny: Where am I gonna get that kind of money?

Dr. Magnus: Why don't you knock over a gas station?

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Johnny Dangerously: Ma, you got to take better care of yourself. I don't want you living like this. I don't want you doing other people's laundry.

Ma Kelly: What are you saying? Give up me career?

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Johnny Dangerously: [narrating in a flashback] Times were good in America. There was plenty of everything: jobs, security, laughs. America was in great shape, except for the President, William Howard Taft. Was *he* a porker. At 310 lbs. he weighed as much as Teddy Roosevelt and half of William McKinley. Immigrants poured into the country from all over the world looking for a better life for their children. And over 97% of them settled into a 2-block area of New York City.

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Johnny Kelly: Hi Dr. Magnus. How's my mother?

Dr. Magnus: It's her thyroid, Johnny.

Johnny Kelly: What's wrong with it?

Dr. Magnus: We can't find it. Gonna have to do a thyroid search.

Johnny Kelly: How much is that gonna cost?

Dr. Magnus: You're in luck. This week a special. $999 dollars.

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Roman Moroni: Okey! You and the rest of your bastages can gamble, but don't try no fargin trick, otherwise you wind up with your bells in a sling.

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Johnny Dangerously: Commissioner, there's all the evidence against me, just like I promised you. Use it. I'm ready to pay my debt.

[No response from Commissioner]

Johnny Dangerously: Hey, how about a thank you?

[Johnny notices that the Commissioner is dead]

Johnny Dangerously: Hey, how about me getting out of here?

[Johnny turns to leave but is hit on the head]

Johnny Dangerously: Hey, how about me getting knocked out?

[He falls]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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