Johnny Dangerously (1984)
Roman Moroni: I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves.
Lil: Get this to Johnny on the grapevine. Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the savoy theater tomorrow night. Got it?
Polly the parrot: Got it.
Polly the parrot: [arrives at prison mess hall and lands on the shoulder of a prisoner] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater. Pass it on.
Prisoner: [to the next prisoner sitting next to him] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on.
Prisoner: [to the next prisoner, "telephone" style] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's mother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on.
Prisoner: [to the next prisoner] Vermin's mother is going to kill Johnny tonight at the Savoy theater. Pass it on.
Prisoner: [to the next prisoner]
Prisoner: ... at the Savoy. Pass it on.
Prisoner: There's a message through the grapevine, Johnny.
Johnny Dangerously: Yeah? What is it?
Prisoner: Johnny and the Mothers are playing "Stompin' at the Savoy" in Vermont tonight.
Johnny Dangerously: Vermin's going to kill my brother at the Savoy theater tonight.
Prisoner: I didn't say that.
Johnny Dangerously: No, but I know this grapevine.
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't grab me, Johnny. My mother grabbed me once... ONCE!
Danny Vermin: I got something to stop him.
[draws a gun with an unusually long barrel]
Dutch: They made it for him special. It's an .88 Magnum.
Danny Vermin: It shoots through schools.
Jocko Dundee: How's tricks, Moroni?
Roman Moroni: What are you doing here, icehole?
Jocko Dundee: Hey, can't a fellow enjoy a night out gambling with some of his pals?
Roman Moroni: Don't bullshtein me.
[to one of his men]
Roman Moroni: Search this somanabatch.
Johnny Dangerously: [admires Lil's figure] You got those. I like those on a woman.
Danny Vermin: [points to a parking space] Park there.
Dutch: [objects] It's for the handicapped.
Danny Vermin: I AM handicapped. I'm psychotic.
[puts a sign in the front window]
[Ma Kelly is pouring drinks for everybody]
Tommy Kelly: Mom, it's prohibition!
Ma Kelly: Oh, shut up! Stop acting like some fag choir boy!
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!
Danny Vermin: I've been fulfilling a lot of people's prophecies about me; I've become a real scumbag.
Warden: Your turn, Johnny. The priest you've requested has arrived.
Charley: [pretending to be a priest] Are you ready, my son?
Johnny Dangerously: I'm ready if you are, father.
Charley: Dominus vobiscum, Nabisco. Espiritu sanctu. They gasthebus.
Prisoner: [hands Johnny a part of a tommy gun] So long, Johnny.
Charley: We gasthebus. You gasthebus. We missed the bus. They missed the bus.
Prisoner: [hands Johnny another piece of the gun] Be brave, huh, Johnny.
Charley: When's the next bus?
Johnny Dangerously: [begins putting the gun together behind the wardens back] Always, Nails.
Charley: Summa cum laude. Magna cum laude. The radio's too laude. Adeste fidelis.
Prisoner: [gives Johnny another piece] Good luck, Johnny.
Charley: Semper fidelis. High fidelis.
Johnny Dangerously: [struggling to put it together] Why didn't I take shop?
Charley: Post Meridian. Ante Meridian. Uncle Meridian. All the little Meridians.
Prisoner: [adds another piece] Bye bye, Johnny.
Johnny Dangerously: [adds piece to gun] Bye, Rock.
Charley: The Magna Carta. MasterCharge it.
Prisoner: [hands piece to Johnny] Spit in his eye, Johnny!
Johnny Dangerously: [finishes putting the gun together] OK, rabbi.
Charley: [opens his bible to reveal the guns clip] Dum procellas. Lotsa Vitalis.
Warden: Any last words, Johnny?
Warden: [turns to see Johnny pointing a tommy gun at him] Well said!
Johnny Dangerously: The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously.
Lil: Did you know you're last name is an adverb?
Johnny Dangerously: The years hadn't softened Moronie. He continued to murder the English Language, and anyone who got in his way.
Danny Vermin: [to Mrs. Kelly] You shouldn't kick me in the balls, lady. My sister kicked me in the balls once...
[Stumbles in pain]
[Leaving a crime scene with his sidekick, Dutch]
Danny Vermin: Hey, doll, how'd you like to make some money?
Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: One at a time, or both of you together?
Roman Moroni: You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches. My own club!
Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: [when Vermin walks on the floor while she is mopping it] Oh, you lousy, Wop, Slovak, Chink, Jap, Polack, Mick, Krauts, Hebe fags!
Ma Kelly: Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!
Danny Vermin: I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things.
Johnny Dangerously: You know, Danny, I think you get too much sugar in your diet.
[In the middle of a trial]
Tommy Kelly: ...that Roman Troy Maronie was responsible for: the Mother's Day Massacre, The Christmas Day Slaughter, The Lincoln's Birthday Mutilations, and The Groundhog's Day Be-headings!
Danny Vermin: This goes through armor. And through the victim, through the wall, through a tree outside...
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't have shot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once...
Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: [when Johnny walks on the floor while she is mopping it] Dirty Jew! Shanty nigger! White-trash bastard! Go ahead, walk all over the little people!
Danny Vermin: [scoffs at Johnny's interest in Lil] Dames are put on this earth to weaken us. Drain our energy. Laugh at us when they see us naked.
Ma Kelly: I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid.
Tommy Kelly: Mom!
Ma Kelly: You wanna hump your brains out.
Tommy Kelly: [Tommy clamps his hands over Sally's ears]
Ma Kelly: [does mock pushups] Baboom, baboom, baboom, baboom!
Tommy Kelly: [Tommy drags Sally from the room]
Tommy Kelly: You were gonna take a bullet for me.
Johnny Kelly: Actually, I was just counting on a lot of missing.
Johnny Dangerously: I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to. What's your last name?
Johnny Dangerously: Binzerhoff? Perfect. Keep that name and you'll stay out of trouble.
Chorus Girl: I'm not wearing a bra, Johnny.
Johnny Dangerously: Yeah? Well that makes two of us.
Lil: So when I was 18 I left home and came here to Chicago.
Johnny Dangerously: Uh Lil, this ain't Chicago. We're in New York.
Lil: You're kidding.
Lil: Well, New York, Chicago, to a girl on her own, it's all the same.
Tommy Kelly: [Ma Kelly pours a shot for Tommy] Mom, it's Prohibition.
Ma Kelly: Aw, shut up! Stop acting like a fag choir boy.
Johnny Dangerously: Alright here it is. Johnny Dangerously is going legit.
Member of Dundee's gang: Le-what?
Johnny Dangerously: Legit.
Danny Vermin: I'll tell you le-why. Because Johnny Dangerously is really Johnny Kelly, brother of the D.A., Tommy Kelly.
Ma Kelly: Open up! It's Ma Kelly!
Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: [opens her door] What do you want? Get out of here.
Ma Kelly: I got to talk to you.
Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: We don't have nothing to say to each other.
Ma Kelly: We got plenty to say to each other. We got a lot in common.
Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: Yeah, what?
Ma Kelly: We both scrub floors. We're both swell lookers. And neither one of us is Chinese.
Young Johnny: Dr. Magnus, how's my mother?
Dr. Magnus: It's her pancreas again, Johnny. She's gonna need an operation immediately.
Young Johnny: How much is it gonna cost?
Dr. Magnus: $49.95
Young Johnny: $49.95?
Dr. Magnus: This week only.
Young Johnny: Where am I gonna get that kind of money?
Dr. Magnus: Why don't you knock over a gas station?
Johnny Dangerously: [narrating in a flashback] Times were good in America. There was plenty of everything: jobs, security, laughs. America was in great shape, except for the President, William Howard Taft. Was HE a porker. At 310 lbs. he weighed as much as Teddy Roosevelt and half of William McKinley. Immigrants poured into the country from all over the world looking for a better life for their children. And over 97% of them settled into a two-block area of New York City.
Johnny Kelly: Hi Dr. Magnus. How's my mother?
Dr. Magnus: It's her thyroid, Johnny.
Johnny Kelly: What's wrong with it?
Dr. Magnus: We can't find it. Gonna have to do a thyroid search.
Johnny Kelly: How much is that gonna cost?
Dr. Magnus: You're in luck. This week a special. $999 dollars.
Roman Moroni: Okey! You and the rest of your bastages can gamble, but don't try no fargin trick, otherwise you wind up with your bells in a sling.
Johnny Dangerously: Commissioner, there's all the evidence against me, just like I promised you. Use it. I'm ready to pay my debt.
[No response from Commissioner]
Johnny Dangerously: Hey, how about a thank you?
[Johnny notices that the Commissioner is dead]
Johnny Dangerously: Hey, how about me getting out of here?
[Johnny turns to leave but is hit on the head]
Johnny Dangerously: Hey, how about me getting knocked out?
Lil: And shelf paper! Oh, Johnny, I *love* shelf paper!
Ma Kelly: You've gotten to be like a daughter to me and I wanna share somethin' with ya.
Lil: Awww, what's that Mom Kelley?
Ma Kelly: I go both ways.
Johnny Dangerously: Hey Pope, why don't you go build yourself a new gym at the Vatican.
Ma Kelly: I love him, but someday I'm gonna knock him on his ass.
Prisoner: Johnny and the Mothers are playin' Stompin' At the Savoy in Vermont tonight.
[after his sabotaged toilet explodes]
Jocko Dundee: [to Johnny] You got the number of that other plumber?
D.A. Burr: (On Johnny Dangerously's payroll) Why don't you ease into the job, by taking a vacation?
Tommy Kelly: But what about crime?
D.A. Burr: Don't worry. It'll still be here when you get back!
Ma Kelly: With a father like "Killer" Kelly, it's a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece 'o shit criminal!
[Johnny sees a steaming pot on the stove]
Johnny Dangerously: Whatcha cookin' here ma?
Ma Kelly: Beer.
Johnny Dangerously: With noodles! Great idea!
[Upon learning Johnny is the D.A.'s brother]
Charley: Johnny, is this true? 'Cause if it is,
Charley: I don't know how to react!
Newspaper Headline: Roman Moroni Deported to Sweden. Says He's Not From There.
Tommy Kelly: Sally's place is in the home, and I intend to support her, and I'll do anything - shine boots, drive a hack, blow glass - anything.
Johnny Dangerously: [after bathroom has exploded] Take it easy!
Jocko Dundee: Take it easy? I'm standing here with my dork in my hand!
Desk Sergeant: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the look out for... now listen to this: Dangerously and accomplices dressed as nuns driving a sedan covered with... oh you'll love this... duckies and bunnies.
Desk Sergeant: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Come to Dooley's bar and grill. I'm buyin'.
Tommy Kelly: Sally's place is in the home and I intend to support her and I'll do anything - shine boots, drive a hack, blow glass. Anything.
Johnny Dangerously: Ma, you got to take better care of yourself. I don't want you living like this. I don't want you doing other people's laundry.
Ma Kelly: What are you saying? Give up me career?
Polly the parrot: [to Vermin] Sick dumb-ass!
[Vermin fires at Polly and misses]
Polly the parrot: You missed, fuck-face!