4.9/10
100
1 user

The Cartier Affair (1984)

Not Rated | | Comedy, Crime | TV Movie 4 November 1984
Curt Taylor is a convict and owes Phil Drexler the number 1 convict in the prison. Now to settle his debt Drexler sends Curt to be the secretary for Cartier Rand so that he can steal her ... See full summary »

Director:

Writers:

(teleplay), (teleplay) | 3 more credits »
Reviews

On Disc

at Amazon

Learn more

People who liked this also liked... 

Homework (1982)
Comedy | Drama
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 3.2/10 X  

A good-looking but virginal "rockstar" teen (Morgan) tries to score with some of the local high school girls. But a classmate's mom (Collins) decides to make a man out of him.

Director: James Beshears
Stars: Joan Collins, Michael Morgan, Shell Kepler
The Bitch (1979)
Drama | Romance
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 2.8/10 X  

The owner of a trendy disco starts having problems with the men in her life and the Mafia, which is trying to move in on her place.

Director: Gerry O'Hara
Stars: Joan Collins, Antonio Cantafora, Kenneth Haigh
Sunburn (1979)
Comedy | Action | Crime
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 4.9/10 X  

After a rich old man dies in a suspicious car accident in Acapulco, his widow wants his insurance company to pony up $5 million. A hotshot investigator Decker (Grodin) and a charming model (Fawcett) come in to check it out.

Director: Richard C. Sarafian
Stars: Farrah Fawcett, Charles Grodin, Art Carney
Sins (TV Mini-Series 1986)
Drama | Romance
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 7.5/10 X  

Young Helene Junot witnesses the death of her mother at the hands of Nazis. Separated from her brother, Edmund, by the war, Helene goes to work at the chateau of the Count De Ville. There ... See full summary »

Stars: Joan Collins, Timothy Dalton, Jean-Pierre Aumont
The Stud (1978)
Drama | Romance
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 3.3/10 X  

Fontaine Khaled is the wife of a wealthy but boring businessman. She spends his money on her nightclub, the hobo, and partying. She hires a manager, Tony, to run her club, but it is ... See full summary »

Director: Quentin Masters
Stars: Joan Collins, Oliver Tobias, Sue Lloyd
Magnum Cop (1978)
Action | Crime | Thriller
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 5.5/10 X  

An Italian private investigator tries to get to the bottom of a suspicious kidnapping case with the help of an exotic dancer

Director: Stelvio Massi
Stars: Maurizio Merli, Joan Collins, Franco Ressel
Drama
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 4.4/10 X  

The South African businessman David Swansey is delivering illegal German helicopters to Rhodesia. That makes the patriot Gideon Marunga an angry man.

Director: James Fargo
Stars: Richard Harris, Richard Roundtree, Joan Collins
Monte Carlo (TV Series 1986)
Drama
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 5.6/10 X  

A two-part miniseries set on the eve of World War II in Monte Carlo and focusing on the adventures and love-life of Katrina Petrovna, a Russian singer and double-agent who is determined to ... See full summary »

Stars: Joan Collins, George Hamilton, Lisa Eilbacher
Comedy
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 4.4/10 X  

Tom Jones, a maid's son adopted by the nobleman she worked for, now all grown up must run away from home when he is set up by his jealous cousin. He has several adventures and women on his way to town where his possible salvation awaits.

Director: Cliff Owen
Stars: Nicky Henson, Trevor Howard, Terry-Thomas
Her Life as a Man (TV Movie 1984)
Comedy | Drama
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 6/10 X  

To land a sportswriting job on a national magazine run by a chauvinistic editor, an aspiring female reporter convincingly disguises herself as a man to get the inside story.

Director: Robert Ellis Miller
Stars: Robyn Douglass, Marc Singer, Laraine Newman
Alfie Darling (1975)
Comedy | Drama
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 4.5/10 X  

Alfie returns, up to his old womanizing ways, until he meets his match in a sophisticated magazine editor Abby. His pursuit is complicated by his encounter with Norma and the fact that a ... See full summary »

Director: Ken Hughes
Stars: Alan Price, Jill Townsend, Paul Copley
Sharon's Baby (1975)
Horror
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 3.9/10 X  

A woman gives birth to a baby, but this is no ordinary little tyke. The child is seemingly possessed by the spirit of a freak dwarf who the mother once spurned. Cue a spate of strange ... See full summary »

Director: Peter Sasdy
Stars: Joan Collins, Eileen Atkins, Ralph Bates
Edit

Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
...
Cartier Rand / Marilyn Hallifax
...
Curt Taylor
...
Lyndon Dean
Randi Brooks ...
Shirl
Steve Peck ...
J.J. Phonopolous (as Steven Apostle Pec)
...
Ben Foley
...
Margo Houser
...
Morgan Carroll
...
Monica
...
Raymond
Joe La Due ...
Russ Houser (as Joe LaDue)
...
Phil Drexler
Jay Gerber ...
Arthur
Hilly Hicks ...
Al
...
Wife of fish market / restaurant owner
Edit

Storyline

Curt Taylor is a convict and owes Phil Drexler the number 1 convict in the prison. Now to settle his debt Drexler sends Curt to be the secretary for Cartier Rand so that he can steal her jewels. But he falls in love with her, which complicates things. Written by <RCS0411@YAHOO.COM>

Plot Summary | Add Synopsis

Genres:

Comedy | Crime

Certificate:

Not Rated | See all certifications »
Edit

Details

Country:

Language:

Release Date:

4 November 1984 (USA)  »

Also Known As:

As Jóias de Cartier  »

Company Credits

Show detailed on  »

Technical Specs

Runtime:

Sound Mix:

Color:

Aspect Ratio:

1.33 : 1
See  »
Edit

Did You Know?

Trivia

The lithograph on Cartier's living room wall, later shot down, is actually of Joan Collins. See more »

Quotes

Monica: I'll get your mantilla.
Cartier Rand: [with a withering look] Would you?
See more »

Connections

Referenced in The West Wing: 20 Hours in L.A. (2000) See more »

Frequently Asked Questions

See more (Spoiler Alert!) »

User Reviews

 
A Very Funny And Romantic Pairing
4 March 2006 | by (Lithia Springs, GA) – See all my reviews

I was quite surprised to find this made-for-TV movie on sale on DVD at Overstock.com Saturday, February 4, 2006 just one month ago, and naturally ordered it, receiving it just over a week later on Monday, February 13. Yet because I had seen it when it premiered on TV back in 1984, I had been in no immediate hurry to re-view it, and had thusly put it on the shelf and forgotten it. Well, Thursday night with nothing on TV but "American Idol" competition, I put it on, and it proved as entertaining as when all of America was introduced to it back then.

In "The Cartier Affair," David Hasselhoff plays ex-con Curt Taylor, who owes the number one prison convict Phil Drexler played by the deliciously slick-tongued and slick-headed Telly Savalas of "Kojak" fame---well, in effect, his life for protecting him in prison. Upon his release, he is given a tip about a job by an associate of Drexler, who steers him to an employment agent who is on the phone with the manager of Cartier Rand, over-the-top TV soap actress played by then-Dynasty soap diva Joan Collins, whose long-stressed secretary had finally snapped and been taken under arrest after shooting up Cartier's mansion and half of her possessions. Cartier, whose love life with long-time lover Morgan, played by the dapper Charles Napier, is as unsatisfying as her job and relationships with sycophant other associates, demands a replacement secretary in a hurry; yet rather than put her trust in another traitorous female, she requests that they send over a 'male.' Morgan, however, insists on a female secretary for his lady love because he is jealous of any other man who looks at her. However, the employment agent, looking for an opportunity to rip off Cartier of her jewels, takes one look at Curt who has just arrived in response to the job tip he had been given, and comes up with a ruse to satisfy them all---he tells Cartier's manager that he has the perfect secretary for her, a man, who is---in a word, gay. So very straight "Knightrider" Hasselhoff is roped into playing gay secretary to very straight Joan Collins, who thinks she'll be able to carry her distance to him off---that is, until he walks in her door, the cutest gay man she had ever seen walking on two legs. And it wasn't that the fabulously youthful Collins looked too old for Hasselhoff in this movie; at a height of---I believe---6'4", David was tall and all, but all gangly arms and legs and looked like had stepped straight out of high school, with his baby-doll smile and too mesmeric eyes for any man to have. With a padded resume that gave him a typing speed of a ridiculously impossible 120 words per minute, David is just there to get the goods on her security system and give them to his employment agent---until he starts finding himself falling for the woman so unlike her actress persona and as much in need of a real friend as he is. Naturally, a romantic pairing with this new employee that Joan herself terms a "gay secretary-turned straight gangster" is inevitable. But as what is wrong in both their lives unravels and is thrown into chaos, aided by the unexpected intrusion of a ridiculous ex-girlfriend of Curt and partner-in-crime played by an outrageous Randi Brooks, Curt and Cartier have to rely on each other to keep alive and exonerate themselves amid a most comical flee from Hollywood by limousine and trek to Mexico by Volkswagen to recover the jewels stolen by the crooked employment agent that is going to breathe life back into the despairing Cartier, having both been written off her soap opera and ripped off by her manager, who has extorted her money and run off with a stiff female associate. And once they have destroyed the bad guys and done just that in an even funnier plane ride finale and Cartier has gotten Curt off the hook with number one prison convict Drexler, the movie ends with the two so similar to each other staring blissfully at the moon under shelter of a cave in the middle of the desert, where they have not the slightest idea of how they're going to get back to Hollywood the next day. But with all the romantic possibilities that lay ahead of them secluded out there alone on a long balmy night---who cares?


9 of 10 people found this review helpful.  Was this review helpful to you?

Message Boards

Discuss The Cartier Affair (1984) on the IMDb message boards »

Contribute to This Page

Create a character page for:
?