Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Axel Foley: Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin' charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?
Axel Foley: Don't you think I realize what's going on here, miss? Who do you think I am, huh? Don't you think I know that if I was some hotshot from out of town that pulled inside here and you guys made a reservation mistake, I'd be the first one to get a room and I'd be upstairs relaxing right now. But I'm not some hotshot from out of town, I'm a small reporter from "Rolling Stone" magazine that's in town to do an exclusive interview with Michael Jackson that's gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article "Michael Jackson Is Sitting On Top of the World," but now I think I might as well just call it "Michael Jackson Can Sit On Top of the World Just As Long As He Doesn't Sit in the Beverly Palm Hotel 'Cause There's No Niggers Allowed in There!"
Axel Foley: This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in in my life. This thing's nicer than my apartment.
Serge: [Serge is having trouble understanding/pronouncing Axel's first name] Donny, run and tell Miss Summers that, uh, Mister Achmed Foley is here to see her...
Axel Foley: No, *Axel* Foley. Axel.
Serge: Achnell...? Achwell...
Axel Foley: *Axel*.
Serge: ...Foley is here to see her, he's an old acquaintance.
[Foley hands the keys to his beat-up car to a valet]
Axel Foley: Can you put this in a good spot? 'Cause all of this shit happened the last time I parked here.
Axel Foley: Did you see that shit? I can describe all of em.
Beverly Hills Cop #1: Please move to the side of the car, and put your hands on the hood!
Axel Foley: Why, what's with you guys?
Beverly Hills Cop #2: You heard what he said, sir. Do it right now, please!
Axel Foley: What kind of shit is this, man? Hold up, wait a second! You guys are arresting me for getting thrown out of a fucking window? I got thrown out of a window, man!
Beverly Hills Cop #1: Gun, partner!
Beverly Hills Cop #1: Sir, you are under arrest; you are to remain silent, anything you say CAN and will be against you in a court of law! You have a right to have an attorney present during questioning...
Axel Foley: Yeah, I understand, I understand the rights! I know this is bullshit, man... I got thrown out of a fucking window!
Beverly Hills Cop #2: Please get in the car, sir!
Axel Foley: Tell me, sir, what's the charge?
Beverly Hills Cop #2: Posession of concealed weapons, and disturbing the peace!
Axel Foley: Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fucking charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking? This is bullshit!
Sergeant Taggart: Why didn't you identify yourself as a police officer when you were arrested?
Axel Foley: 'Cause I was mindin' my own business. Hey, where the fuck do you guys get off on arresting somebody for getting thrown out of a window?
Sergeant Taggart: We have six witnesses that say you broke in and started tearing up the place, then jumped out the window!
Axel Foley: And you guys believe that? What the fuck are you, cops or doormen?
Sergeant Taggart: We're more likely to believe an important local businessman than a foul-mouthed jerk from out of town.
Axel Foley: Foul-mouthed?
Axel Foley: Fuck you, man.
Detective Rosewood: [Taggart stands up and draws himself to full height] Hey, Sarge...
Sergeant Taggart: You watch your mouth.
Axel Foley: [standing] Hey, man, don't square off on me with some bullshit.
Axel Foley: You wanna start some static?
Sergeant Taggart: Hey, don't push me!
Axel Foley: [shoves Taggart again] Fuck you, man!
[Taggart delivers hard blow to Axel's stomach... Axel doubles over in pain]
Lieutenant Bogomil: [witnessing from his office] Taggart!
Sergeant Taggart: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Bogomil: Come here.
[Taggart enters Bogomil's office, both emerge a minute later]
Sergeant Taggart: Sir... I apologize for striking you. I have no excuse.
Axel Foley: [bemused] Forget about it.
Police Chief Hubbard: Is this the gentleman who crashed through Victor Maitland's window? Who disabled an unmarked unit with a banana?
Lieutenant Bogomil: Yes, sir.
Police Chief Hubbard: Who lured Taggart and Rosemont into a gross dereliction of duty at a strip-tease establishment?
Detective Rosewood: Uh, it's Rosewood, sir.
Lieutenant Bogomil: Yes, sir.
Police Chief Hubbard: Is this the gentleman who ruined the buffet at the Harrow club this morning?
Lieutenant Bogomil: Yes, sir.
Police Chief Hubbard: I just bet that you are the pride of your department in Detroit. Lieutenant, I'd like to see you in your office.
Lieutenant Bogomil: Yes, sir.
Axel Foley: [mocking Hubbard] Is this the man who... wrecked the buffet at the Harrow club this morning?
Sergeant Taggart: Lower your voice, for Christ's sake!
Axel Foley: What, can the guy hear me through the wall?
[Detectives Foster and McCabe nod in agreement]
Jenny Summers: [about Axel] What are you gonna do to him?
Victor Maitland: I think you should be more worried about what we're going to do with you.
Axel Foley: Yeah, Jenny, don't worry about me. We got cocaine and coffee here. We're gonna get wired and have a big party.
Jeffery: Todd's looking for you. He is really pissed. You know what he said? This is your worst fuck up ever. Personally, I don't think that's true.
Detective Rosewood: Police! You're all under arrest!
[Armed thugs answer with a long hail of machine gun fire]
Sergeant Taggart: You do that again, I'll shoot you myself!
Serge: [taking notice to Axel's interest in the artwork] I see you look at this piece.
Axel Foley: Yeah. I was wondering how much something like this went for.
Serge: One hundred and thirty thousand dollar.
Axel Foley: Get the fuck out of here!
Serge: [laughing] No, I cannot! It's serious! Because it's very important piece.
Axel Foley: Have you ever sold one of these?
Serge: [proudly] Sell it yesterday to a collector.
Axel Foley: Get the fuck out of here!
Serge: No! I'm serious! I sell it myself!
Axel Foley: Is this your car?
Jenny Summers: Oh, no. In Beverly Hills we just take whichever car is closest.
[Axel pretends to be a male hustler]
Axel Foley: Tell Victor that Ramon - -the fella he met about a week ago? - -tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10, and I think Victor should go check himself out with his physician to make sure everything is fine before things start falling off on the man.
Detective Rosewood: Wow. You know, it says here that by the time the average American is fifty, he's got five pounds of undigested red meat in his bowels.
Sergeant Taggart: Why are you telling me this? What makes you think I have any interest in that at all?
Detective Rosewood: Well, you eat a lot of red meat.
Axel Foley: [outside the crime scene in front of Axel's apartment building after Mike is killed] Look, I heard a rumor that you're gonna use Rand on this case, and, between the two of us, the guy doesn't know the time of day.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Don't mess with me now, Axel.
Axel Foley: It's the first time he's left his desk in 12 years!
Inspector Douglas Todd: At least he's had 12 years. Anyway, it's a homicide case and it belongs to Rand. Now go to the hospital!
Axel Foley: Well, you don't mind if I ask around a little bit, do you?
Inspector Douglas Todd: Don't do a damn thing! It's Rand's case. Your ass is skating on thin ice as it is!
Axel Foley: Hey, look, we're talking about a friend of mine, here!
Inspector Douglas Todd: Yes, we are, aren't we! Now, let's take a close look at that. One, a hoodlum friend. Two, a professional hit. Three, in a cop's apartment. This whole thing stinks to high heaven!
Axel Foley: How do you know it was a professional hit?
Inspector Douglas Todd: I didn't just walk into this town from the cotton fields! Whoever killed your friend wasn't worried about your little narrow ass. If they were, you'd be lyin' beside him in that meat wagon. Just don't do a damn thing. Stay out of this!
Axel Foley: Well, look. I got some vacation time comin' to me. I wanna take my vacation now.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Stay away from this case, Axel.
Axel Foley: No, it's just that I feel I need a little vacation, that's all.
Inspector Douglas Todd: [after pausing to think for a moment] All right. Soon as you're finished at the hospital, you're on vacation.
Axel Foley: Thank you.
Inspector Douglas Todd: But if you decide to butt into this case, it'd be the longest vacation you ever heard of.
Axel Foley: Billy, you know, you don't have to be embarrassed if your dick gets hard. Your dick is supposed to get hard. See? That's the whole object of this. Taggart's dick is hard, but he won't let you know 'cause he's the boss. Boss' dick got to stay limp, right? See, I ain't on duty so my dick can be hard.
Axel Foley: Gimme the key! I'm gonna follow 'em!
Jenny Summers: Have you ever driven a Mercedes before?
Axel Foley: No, but a car is a car. I drive my car every day.
Jenny Summers: I'm driving. I've seen your car.
Axel Foley: Oh, shit, that's cold.
Bonded Warehouse Clerk #1: You got some kind of warrant for this?
Axel Foley: You know, you have a very big mouth, sir! Are you hiding something from me? Is that what you're doing? I bet you that is your Porsche that's parked outside, isn't it? Isn't that your Porsche? Is it? How would you like me to have the IRS come down here and crawl up your fuckin' ass with a microscope? 'Cause they'll do it! I've seen them do it! It's not a pretty sight! I want you to know something, pal! And I want all of y'all to know something! I can have twenty five agents down here in fifteen minutes to march in here, snatch your bond from underneath you and you guys'll be out of business, permanently, if I don't get some cooperation! Is that understood?
Bonded Warehouse Night Supervisor: Don't get upset, Inspector! We'll give you everything you need! Right, guys?
Bonded Warehouse Security Guard: Everything you need!
Bonded Warehouse Clerk #1: That's not my Porsche, no sir! I don't know whose it is!
Axel Foley: You can't go in 'cause you're a cop in this town. You go in there without probable cause, they're gonna call it an illegal search. You know that. Or didn't they teach you that in cop school?
Victor Maitland: Now listen to me, my tough little friend. I don't know from under what stone you crawled, or where you get these ridiculous ideas about me, but it seems painfully obvious you haven't the slightest fucking idea who you're dealing with. Now, my advice to you is crawl back to your little stone in Detroit before you get squashed.
Axel Foley: If something happens to her...
Victor Maitland: Hmmm...? I'm all ears.
Axel Foley: I'll kill you.
Victor Maitland: Really? That would be a neat trick.
Axel Foley: What? Y'all the second team?
Detective McCabe: We're the first team.
Detective Foster: Yeah, and we're not gonna fall for a banana in the tailpipe.
Axel Foley: [mocking him] You're not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe? It should be more natural, brother. It should flow out, like this - "Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!" See, that's more natural for us. You been hanging out with this dude too long.
Inspector Douglas Todd: You mind telling me where the fuck you come off going undercover without authorization from me? What the fuck is this all about? You wanna play some fucking bullshit cowboy cop? Go do it in somebody else's precinct!
Axel Foley: Don't you wanna hear my side of the story?
Inspector Douglas Todd: What's your fucking side of the story?
Axel Foley: Let's hear your side of the story.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Hey Axel, I'm not takin' anymore of this shit from you. You know how much this little stunt of yours is gonna cost this city?
Axel Foley: I don't think cost is the issue here, sir. I think the issue should be my blatant disregard for proper procedure.
Inspector Douglas Todd: You damn right, wise ass! The mayor called the Chief, the Chief called the Deputy Chief, the Deputy Chief just chewed my ass out! You see I don't have any bit of it left, don't you? Where in the fuck did you get a truckload of cigarettes from anyway?
Axel Foley: From the Dearborn Hijacking.
Inspector Douglas Todd: From the Dearborn Hijacking? That fucking bust went down last week! That truck is supposed to be in the damn pound!
Jeffery: I tried to tell you.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Jeffery, this is none of your fucking business!
Jeffery: [Pointing to a random locker] This is not my locker!
Inspector Douglas Todd: Listen Axel, no more of these set ups, you understand? You're a good cop, and you got great potential, but you don't know every fucking thing. And I'm tired of taking the heat for your ass. One more time and you're out on the street. Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Look, Boss, let me tell...
Inspector Douglas Todd: [emphatically] Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Yeah, I understand. Boss. The Chief ain't chew it all out. You still got a little ass there.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Don't fuck with me Axel! Not now! Go on. Go home.
Detroit Cop #3: [finding Axel in the back of the cigarette truck] Freeze, asshole!
Detroit Cop #3: Foley, we should have *known* it was you!
Axel Foley: Before I go, I just want you two to know something, alright? The supercop story... was working. Okay? It was working, and you guys just messed it up. Okay? I'm trying to figure you guys out, but I haven't yet. But it's cool. You fuck up a perfectly good lie.
Axel Foley: I never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while, 'cause I ordered some pizza.
Detective Rosewood: All he asked me to do was drive you out of town. Now I'm gonna screw that up, too.
Jenny Summers: I remember you used to drive that crappy blue Chevy Nova.
[they both chuckle]
Jenny Summers: What are you driving now?
Axel Foley: Same crappy blue Chevy Nova.
Axel Foley: Is your supervisor here?
Bonded Warehouse Security Guard: Yeah, he's in the office.
Axel Foley: Can you go get him for me, please?
Bonded Warehouse Security Guard: What's the problem?
Axel Foley: Are you security here?
Axel Foley: [pulling badge] Then you're the fucking problem! Go get your supervisor, please. Now! NOW!
Axel Foley: Coffee grounds.
Jenny Summers: So?
Axel Foley: You know what this stuff is used for?
Jenny Summers: Yeah, some people filter hot water through it and drink it.
Axel Foley: Yeah, I'm gonna take this home and filter hot water through it and drink it in the morning.
[being shot at]
Sergeant Taggart: Jesus Christ!
Axel Foley: Yeah, these guys are serious.
Detective Rosewood: I hate machine guns!
Cigarette Buyer: You know, if you wanna be a fuckin asshole, you can take the whole load and smoke 'em yourself in the park.
Axel Foley: I don't smoke Lucky Strikes.
Cigarette Buyer: I got people I gotta answer to.
Axel Foley: I smoke King-Sized Kents!
[Victor is holding Jenny as a cover]
Jenny Summers: Axel!
[Axel Foley turns, aims at Victor, who is still holding Jenny]
Victor Maitland: Careful, old boy. You might hit me.
Detective Rosewood: You know what I keep thinking about? You know the end of Butch Cassidy? Redford and Newman are almost out of ammunition, and the whole Bolivian army is out- out in front of this little hut?
Sergeant Taggart: Billy, I'm gonna make you pay for this.
Sergeant Taggart: [after Axel has just offered him a hotel robe] Nah, that's alright. You keep it as a souvenir.
Axel Foley: I already have three of 'em in my bag.
[Rosewood and Taggart are staking out Axel Foley in an upscale hotel. Axel has just had dinner delivered to their car outside]
Detective Rosewood: How did he know we were here?
Sergeant Taggart: I let you drive.
Axel Foley: [in strip club with "Nasty Girl" playing in background]
Axel Foley: Hey man what's hapnin' Phil, I new dat was you, he told me that wasn't you, said you don't come here no more, but I said it's Phil! That is Philip,
[turns back toward Taggart and Rosewood]
Axel Foley: I told you that's Phil, you liar!
Strip Club Holdup Man #1: Get outta here man!
Axel Foley: Hey Philip, gimme kiss baby! Hey
Strip Club Holdup Man #1: [pushes Axel to ground, stops music by scratching needle across record and pulls out sawed-off shotgun] Everybody Freeze!
Axel Foley: Phil!
Strip Club Holdup Man #1: Get your hands on the table!
Axel Foley: Phil! What's wrong man?
[getting up from floor]
Axel Foley: What's all the hostility Phil?
Strip Club Holdup Man #1: Get back man!
Axel Foley: Whachoo doin' with all these guns man?
Strip Club Holdup Man #1: Get back, I told you to get back!
Axel Foley: [moving closer] You changed man!
Strip Club Holdup Man #1: I'm tellin' you to get back, if you don't get back I'm gonna blow your f***kin brains out!
[rushes toward Axel]
Axel Foley: [grabs shotgun, it discharges into ceiling, he elbows shooter in face twice and flips him to ground, pointing and cocking shotgun in his face]
Sergeant Taggart: [points pistol into 2nd shooters face] Police, move and I'll kill you!
Detective Rosewood: [runs up pointing pistol at shooter] Don't move, rollover!
Axel Foley: Way to go, Rosewood, you're some kinda cop, you know that!
[repeated laugh from all three films]
Axel Foley: A heh-heh-heh-heh.
Police Chief Hubbard: You expect me to believe that report?
Lieutenant Bogomil: That's the report I'm filing, sir.
Detective Rosewood: Everything he said about Maitland is right. Now he's kidnapped a woman and he's got her in this house.
Sergeant Taggart: Well, let's go in there and get her.
Axel Foley: What the fuck do you think I'm trying to do here?
Sergeant Taggart: You're not doing anything!