John Bigboote: Let's go back up to my office and talk about this like two reasonable beings.
Lord John Whorfin: May I pass along my congratulations for your great interdimensional breakthrough. I am sure, in the miserable annals of the Earth, you will be duly enshrined.
Rawhide: Dr. Banzai is using a laser to vaporize a pineal tumor without damaging the parthogenital plate. A subcutaneous microphone will allow the patient to transmit verbal instructions to his own brain.
Observer: Like, "raise my left arm"?
Rawhide: Or "throw the harpoon." People are gonna come from all over. This boy's an Eskimo.
Buckaroo Banzai: You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may be normal variation, when it comes right down to it, this far inside the head it all looks the same. No, no, no, don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to.
Buckaroo Banzai: You remind me of someone I once knew.
Penny Priddy: Was she... very beautiful?
Buckaroo Banzai: She was... Queen of the Netherlands
[intro to a flashback]
Television voice: Nineteen thirty-eight. Can you imagine what it must have been like then... then... then...
Orderly: Who are you today, Doc? Einstein?
Lord John Whorfin: Lord John Worfin. If there's one thing I hate, it's to be mistaken for somebody else.
Buckaroo Banzai: Hey, hey, hey, hey-now. Don't be mean; we don't have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
Perfect Tommy: Emilio Lizardo. Wasn't he on TV once?
Buckaroo Banzai: You're thinking of Mr. Wizard.
Reno: Emilio Lizardo is a top scientist, dummkopf.
Perfect Tommy: So was Mr. Wizard.
Lord John Whorfin: Where are we going?
The Red Lectroids: Planet Ten!
Lord John Whorfin: When?
The Red Lectroids: Real soon!
Lord John Whorfin: Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife. Doomed is your soul and damned is your life.
John Bigboote: Damn John Whorfin and the horse he rode in on.
John O'Connor: They're only monkey-boys. We can crush them here on earth, Lord Whorfin.
Lord John Whorfin: Take her to the Pitt. Go, Big-booty. Use more honey. Find out what she knows.
Buckaroo Banzai: I've been ionized, but I'm okay now.
General Catburd: The man's been through solid matter, for crying out loud. Who knows what's happened to his brain? Maybe it's scrambled his molecules. All I'm saying is, Mr. President, let's not panic.
Artie: I don't care if you drove through a mountain in Texas. This is New Jersey, and when you play my... when you play my joint, you're just another act. I want some music out'a you characters!
Reno: You want it, Artie? You got it.
[after Buckaroo has been ionized]
Buckaroo Banzai: There they are.
Perfect Tommy: There who are?
Buckaroo Banzai: Don't you see them?
New Jersey: See who?
[Buckaroo points at the Lectroids]
Buckaroo Banzai: There! Evil PURE AND SIMPLE by way of the Eighth Dimension!
Duck Hunter Burt: Gimme some light will ya?
Duck Hunter Bubba: I got two guns in my hands.
Duck Hunter Burt: Put one of them down.
Duck Hunter Bubba: I ain't puttin' the guns down!
SOD McKinley: I'll try to be quick. In case you haven't noticed, we have a motorcycle convention moving in and let's face it, you didn't come here to listen to me talk.
Perfect Tommy: You're right.
Buckaroo Banzai: Is anybody out there not having a good time?
[Pinky Caruthers raises his hand]
Lord John Whorfin: Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy.
Doctor Emilio Lizardo/Lord John Whorfin: Shut up, Big-booty, you coward. You are the weakest individual I ever know.
John Ganty: John Valuk is dead, he fell on his head. But perhaps John Parker will get through with our message to Buckaroo Banzai.
Penny Priddy: You're like Jerry Lewis, you give me hope to carry on, then you leave me in the lurch while you strap on your six-guns...
John Bigboote: It's not my goddamn planet. Understand, monkey boy?
President Widmark: Buckaroo, I don't know what to say. Lectroids? Planet 10? Nuclear extortion? A girl named "John"?
President Widmark: [reading] "Declaration of War... the short form."
Lord John Whorfin: History is-a made at night. Character is what you are in the dark.
John Bigboote: Put the snot on the track, John O'Connor.
Jon Gomez: Lest we let this place become a zoo, not to mention a haven for gawkers.
John Bigboote: BigbooTAY!
SOD McKinley: I don't give a flying handshake what your name is.
SOD McKinley: You are... John YaYa. And you... John Smallberries.
Perfect Tommy: Be cool. She'll hold.
Mission Control: Buckaroo, The White House wants to know is everything ok with the alien space craft from Planet 10 or should we just go ahead and destroy Russia?
Buckaroo Banzai: Tell him yes on one and no on two.
Mission Control: Which one was yes, go ahead and destroy Russia... or number 2?
Buckaroo Banzai: You ever thought about joining me full time?
New Jersey: Whatya mean, you serious, do you have an opening?
Buckaroo Banzai: Uh huh. Can you sing?
New Jersey: A little, yeh, I can dance.
Lord John Whorfin: Barney, I'm going home... with my overthruster.
Lord John Whorfin: Home... home is where you wear your hat... I feel so breakup, I wanna go home.
Lord John Whorfin: [shouting into a radio microphone] BANZAI! I'LL-A SEE YOU IN-A HELL!
Casper Lindley: She can't be serious, can she? Vaporize the whole damn planet?
Buckaroo Banzai: You wanna roll all those dice, Casper?
Casper Lindley: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, man, not me.
[after crashing through the wall of a factory]
Lectroid: We are not in the Eighth dimension, we are over New Jersey. Hope is not lost.
Yoyodyne intercom announcement: The only joy is the joy of duty. Work... work... work.
Scooter Lindley: [pointing an assault rifle at McKinley] Get away from that car or I'll drink your blood!
SOD McKinley: [nervously] What'cha got there, son? That's not... real, is it?
[Scooter turns, fires a shot in the air, and turns back to McKinley]
Scooter Lindley: Get 'em up!
John Bigboote: We've had our chance! Your Overthruster's for shit! We're lost!
Lord John Whorfin: One more word out of you, Bigbooty...
John Bigboote: [screaming] BIG-BOO-TAY! TAY! TAY!
[Whorfin shoots him]
[Buckaroo finishes talking with Penny in jail]
Buckaroo Banzai: Let her out.
Female Prisoner: Hey, me too.
Perfect Tommy: Let her out?
Buckaroo Banzai: That's right, let her out. I'll be responsible.
Perfect Tommy: But she's a killer.
Buckaroo Banzai: No, she's not. Now, let her out and give her your coat.
Perfect Tommy: Why me?
Buckaroo Banzai: Because you're perfect.
Perfect Tommy: You have a point there.
Overhead announcement at psychiatric hospital: Lithium is no longer available on credit.
Jack the Orderly: I've come for your tv. You've been using too much juice. Another 10,000 kilowatts again this month. Beats me how an old, homicidal loony can use that much power.
John Parker: [as the pod-ship is in a free-fall] I'm a diplomat! I failed flight school!
John Emdall: If you fail, we will be forced to help you destroy yourselves.
Perfect Tommy: [said to Buckaroo] Don't embarrass us.
John Bigboote: John O'Connor, break the window!
John O'Connor: Why me, John Bigboote?
John Bigboote: It might be booby-trapped!
John O'Connor: Oh.
Lord John Whorfin: John O'Connor, install my Oscillation Overthruster!
Ed: President's calling, Buckaroo.
Buckaroo Banzai: The president of what?
Ed: The President of The United States.
Buckaroo Banzai: Oh.
Penny Priddy: Uh, Dr. Banzai, you... you forgot your thruster.
Buckaroo Banzai: [smiles] Why don't you hold onto it for a while?
Penny Priddy: [looks at him suggestively as he leaves the room] Anytime...
Lord John Whorfin: Will somebody turn off that gosh darn klaxon?