HAL-9000: [message relayed from monolith] All these worlds are yours, except Europa. Attempt no landing there. Use them together. Use them in peace.
Dr. Vasili Orlov: What was that all about?
Chandra: I've erased all of HAL's memory from the moment the trouble started.
Dr. Vasili Orlov: The 9000 series uses holographic memories, so chronological erasures would not work.
Chandra: I made a tapeworm.
Walter Curnow: You made a what?
Chandra: It's a program that's fed into a system that will hunt down and destroy any desired memories.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Wait... do you know why HAL did what he did?
Chandra: Yes. It wasn't his fault.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Whose fault was it?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Mine?
Chandra: Yours. In going through HAL's memory banks, I discovered his original orders. You wrote those orders. Discovery's mission to Jupiter was already in the advanced planning stages when the first small Monolith was found on the Moon, and sent its signal towards Jupiter. By direct presidential order, the existence of that Monolith was kept secret.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: So?
Chandra: So, as the function of the command crew - Bowman and Poole - was to get Discovery to its destination, it was decided that they should not be informed. The investigative team was trained separately, and placed in hibernation before the voyage began. Since HAL was capable of operating Discovery without human assistance, it was decided that he should be programmed to complete the mission autonomously in the event the crew was incapacitated or killed. He was given full knowledge of the true objective... and instructed not to reveal anything to Bowman or Poole. He was instructed to lie.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What are you talking about? I didn't authorize anyone to tell HAL about the Monolith!
Chandra: Directive is NSC 342/23, top secret, January 30, 2001.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: NSC... National Security Council, the White House.
Chandra: I don't care who it is. The situation was in conflict with the basic purpose of HAL's design: The accurate processing of information without distortion or concealment. He became trapped. The technical term is an H. Moebius loop, which can happen in advanced computers with autonomous goal-seeking programs.
Walter Curnow: The goddamn White House.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: I don't believe it.
Chandra: HAL was told to lie... by people who find it easy to lie. HAL doesn't know how, so he couldn't function. He became paranoid.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Those sons of bitches. I didn't know. I didn't know!
Heywood Floyd: My response is, we don't have enough fuel for an earlier departure.
HAL 9000: The answer is, "I am aware of these facts. Nevertheless you must leave within two days."
Heywood Floyd: HAL, who the hell is sending this?
HAL 9000: I'm sorry, Dr. Floyd, I don't know.
Heywood Floyd: Well, tell whoever it is that I can't take any of this seriously unless I know who I'm talking to.
HAL 9000: Dr. Floyd?
Heywood Floyd: Yes?
HAL 9000: The response is, "I was David Bowman."
Dave Bowman: You see, something's going to happen. You must leave.
Heywood Floyd: What? What's going to happen?
Dave Bowman: Something wonderful.
Heywood Floyd: What?
Dave Bowman: I understand how you feel. You see, it's all very clear to me now. The whole thing. It's wonderful.
SAL-9000: Will I dream?
Dr. Chandra: Of course you will. All intelligent beings dream. Nobody knows why.
HAL-9000: What is going to happen?
Dave: Something wonderful.
HAL-9000: I'm afraid.
Dave: Don't be. We'll be together.
HAL-9000: Where will we be?
Dave: Where I am now.
Tanya Kirbuk: You have been drinking your whiskey from Kentucky!
Dr. Heywood Floyd: You can tell your children of the day when everyone looked up and realized that they were only tenants of this world. We have been given a new lease and a warning from the landlord.
Victor Milson: This is a most... difficult announcement. As you know, things have not been going well back home. Well, it's gotten worse - a lot worse. Yesterday, a Soviet destroyer challenged the blockade. Several warning shots were fired across her bow; she did not respond. A second volley was fired, there still was no response - none. The nuclear destroyer USS Cunningham launched two of her Falcon missiles. Both struck the Soviet vessel amidship. She broke in two and sunk. Eight hundred of her crew were lost. This morning, an American surveillance satellite was struck by a Soviet laser fired from the Sergei Kirov space station. The American satellite was destroyed. The United States has broken off diplomatic relations with Russia. All ambassadors have been recalled. The Soviet ambassador has been expelled, along with the entire staff. All American air defense and satellite defense forces are on full alert. Premier Ulanova made a televised address and said that technically, a state of war exists between our two countries. All American personnel are ordered to leave Soviet territory immediately or they will be placed under arrest. All Russian personnel are similarly ordered to evacuate American territory. As a result, by direct Presidential order, the three of you must leave the Leonov. No Russian citizen is allowed to remain on or is allowed to enter the Discovery; this order is effective immediately. The launch window for re-entry is 28 days. The Discovery has enough fuel for a low-consumption trajectory. HAL appears to be reactivated and is functioning well enough to operate the onboard systems. The Leonov has enough fuel for a low-consumption trajectory that will arrive 12 months earlier. The launch windows are critical for both spacecraft. Only communications of an emergency distress nature are allowed between the Leonov and Discovery. I know you people are caught in the middle of this; in a sense, we all are. I wish there was something I could do. The only thing left for us is to pray: pray for the safety of our families, for our countries, for our planet. May God forgive us... and protect us.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: [Looks around the table to see the cosmonauts all nervous and edgy; sighs, takes off glasses] All right, what's going on here?
Tanya Kirbuk: What do you mean?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Well, I may not be the swiftest guy in the world, even when I'm not hung over, but I do seem to remember a process where you people ask me questions and I give you answers and then I ask questions and you give me answers and that's the way we find out things. I think I read that in a manual somewhere.
Tanya Kirbuk: Your government wanted us to awaken you when we reported our findings. We did that. You are here to help us reactivate the Discovery and its computer systems because that is United States territory. You are authorized to observe other aspects of our mission. We have no other obligation.
Dr. Vladimir Rudenko: A lot has happened while you have been asleep.
Dr. Vasili Orlov: It is not our choice.
Tanya Kirbuk: The problem in Central America is growing worse.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: This looks as if you've detected the presence of chlorophyll.
Tanya Kirbuk: [interrupts him] The United States is threatening a naval blockade.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: [interrupts her in turn] There's nothing but ice down there so how can there be any chlorophyll?
Tanya Kirbuk: [interrupts him again] You know and I know that my country cannot allow a blockade.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: How fast it is moving?
Tanya Kirbuk: [continues to talk over him] We are under instruction...
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Listen, just because our governments are behaving like asses doesn't mean we have to. We're supposed to be scientists, not politicians, how fast?
Tanya Kirbuk: Doctor Floyd, I am also an officer of the Soviet Air Force...
Dr. Heywood Floyd: HOW FAST?
Dr. Vasili Orlov: One meter per minute.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: [speaking to her] Don't worry, I'm just observing.
[speaking to him]
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Toward the sun?
Dr. Vasili Orlov: Yes.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: That's incredible.
Tanya Kirbuk: We are going to send a probe down.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: GOOD.
Walter Curnow: You had us scared for a moment.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Nice work. Are you all right?
Chandra: Yes, I'm all right.
[Pulls out sabotage device Floyd had Curnow install in HAL's power circuit and gives it to Floyd]
Chandra: I thought you might want this.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: [clears throat] When?
Chandra: Wasn't very hard to find. Yeah I knew you'd do something like this.
Dimitri Moisevitch: This is a good game, it's called "The Truth."
Dr. Heywood Floyd: You just read that report? Took you this long to steal our secrets?
Dimitri Moisevitch: How long does it take for your people to steal ours?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Same amount of time.
Victor Milson: So, here we are on your actual brink. My agency's going to become a part of the military, I've got a president with his finger poised on the button, and you want me to walk across the park and tell him we want to hitch a ride with those very same Russians. Have I missed anything?
Heywood Floyd: That's about it.
Heywood Floyd: I'd love a hot dog.
Walter Curnow: Astrodome. Good hot dogs there.
Heywood Floyd: Astrodome? You can't grow a good hot dog indoors. Yankee Stadium. September. The hot dogs have been boiling since opening day in April. Now that's a hot dog.
Walter Curnow: The yellow mustard or the darker kind?
Heywood Floyd: The darker kind.
Walter Curnow: Very important.
Chandra: Whether we are based on carbon or silicon makes no fundamental difference. We should each be treated with appropriate respect.
Tanya Kirbuk: You think I was wrong to send Max.
Heywood Floyd: Doesn't matter what I think.
Tanya Kirbuk: You think I was wrong.
Heywood Floyd: Yep.
Heywood Floyd: [referencing Discovery's schematic diagrams] Are these the power connections for all the control-based circuits?
Walter Curnow: Most of them, yeah.
Heywood Floyd: What other ones are there?
Walter Curnow: Well, all the environmental controls are fed with this one here...
Heywood Floyd: Yeah yeah yeah, but this is the one that feeds into HAL, right?
Walter Curnow: Right.
Heywood Floyd: Okay... I want you to install this little beauty... right about... there. Just inside the cable trunking.
[hands a small device to Curnow]
Heywood Floyd: I want you to put it where no one can find it without a deliberate search.
Walter Curnow: No shit?
Heywood Floyd: No shit.
Walter Curnow: This is pretty sweet... Non-conducting blade, so there won't be any short-circuits when you trigger it... Where's the remote control?
Heywood Floyd: If I trigger it. The control's in my compartment. Little red calculator? You've seen it. You put in nine '9s'. Take the square root, and then hit 'Integer.' In an emergency, even you could do it.
Walter Curnow: What kind of emergency?
Heywood Floyd: Well if I knew that, I wouldn't need this stupid thing now, would I?
[holds up the device]
Walter Curnow: Y'know, Chandra'd have kittens if he found out.
Heywood Floyd: Yeah. But he isn't gonna find out, is he.
Walter Curnow: Not from me. They could tear off my fingernails, I won't talk.
Heywood Floyd: Good. Install it tonight when he's asleep. If he ever does sleep.
Walter Curnow: How can you tell?
Victor Milson: You've checked this? Please say you haven't... You aren't saying anything, Floyd.
Caroline Floyd: I want to be grown-up and understanding about all this, I really do... I try so hard, but I can't. This won't bring those men back. You've been killing yourself over something you did, or something you didn't do right, and now you're looking for absolution... You know, you could get yourself killed.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: I'll be scared enough for both of us.
Victor Milson: Millson to Floyd: It's been twelve hours since I made my request for information! I need a reply - all hell is breaking loose down here! I have enough problems without you pulling some kind of a stunt! I just hope there's an Earth for you to return to! Make that report I asked for and make it immediately!
Chandra: I would like to open a new file. Here is the name for it.
[types the word "Phoenix"]
Chandra: Do you know what that means?
SAL-9000: There are twenty-five references in the current Encyclopedia.
Chandra: Which one do you think is relevant?
SAL-9000: The tutor of Achilles?
Chandra: [chuckling to himself] That's interesting, I didn't know that one.
Chandra: Try again.
SAL-9000: A fabulous bird, reborn from the ashes of its former life
Chandra: [approvingly] That is correct. And do you know why I chose that?
SAL-9000: Because you have hopes that HAL can be reactivated.
Chandra: Yes, with your help. Are you ready?
Walter Curnow: I feel so stupid. How do you say, 'stupid'?
Maxim Brajlovsky: Durak!
Walter Curnow: That's me.
Maxim Brajlovsky: You shouldn't feel like that. The same thing happened to me the first time I did this.
Walter Curnow: When have you ever done this before?
Maxim Brajlovsky: Never!
Tanya Kirbuk: I didn't know you brought liquor on board. It is forbidden.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: You think I'd step foot on this tub sober?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: I do seem to remember a process where you people ask me questions and I give you answers, and then I ask you questions and you give me answers, and that's the way we find out things. I think I read that in a manual somewhere.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: I don't know if HAL is homicidal, suicidal, neurotic, psychotic, or just plain broken.
HAL 9000: I'm completely operational, and all my circuits are functioning perfectly.
Victor Milson: 'Course, there's one good thing about a reactionary President, he's not into health foods. Last one, we didn't have lunch, we grazed.
Victor Milson: I didn't want your job, you know. I'm not the one who forced you out. I didn't blame the whole thing on you. So if this is your plan to try and get me killed, you got the wrong guy.
[HAL is told he may have to sacrifice himself to save the crew]
HAL 9000: I understand now, Dr. Chandra. Thank you for telling me the truth.
Dr. Chandra: You deserve it.
Dr. Chandra: HAL was told to lie - by people who find it easy to lie. HAL doesn't know how.
Heywood Floyd: Reason? There's no TIME to be reasonable!
HAL 9000: Dr. Floyd?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What is it HAL?
HAL 9000: There is a message for you.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Who's calling?
HAL 9000: There is no identification.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What's the message?
HAL 9000: Message as follows: "It is dangerous to remain here. You must leave within two days."
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What?
HAL 9000: Do you want me to repeat the message, Dr. Floyd?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Who recorded it?
HAL 9000: This is not a recording.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Who's sending it?
HAL 9000: There is no identification.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: I don't understand.
HAL 9000: Neither do I.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Is this message by voice or keyboard?
HAL 9000: I don't know.
HAL 9000: Do you want me to repeat the last response?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: No, no. Tell Curnow that this is no time for jokes.
HAL 9000: Dr. Curnow is not sending the message. He is in access way two.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Well, tell whoever it is that I can't accept that identification without proof.
HAL 9000: The response is, "I understand. It is important that you believe me. Look behind you."
[Floyd does, and looks shocked to see Dave Bowman standing in the corridor]
Christopher Floyd: [while exercising] How far away is Jupiter?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Far.
Christopher Floyd: Why does it take two and a half years to go and come back?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: It's so far.
Christopher Floyd: Why don't you go faster?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Can't.
Christopher Floyd: Oh. Are you gonna forget about me?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: No. I love you.
Christopher Floyd: I won't forget about you.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: We'll be able to talk to each other, see each other on television.
Christopher Floyd: Oh. Daddy?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What?
Christopher Floyd: Mommy said you'd be asleep for a long time. Are you gonna die?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What?
Christopher Floyd: Are you gonna die?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Why do you say that?
Christopher Floyd: When Jamie's grandfather died, Mommy said he'd be asleep for a long time.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: No, no, no. This is different. They're gonna put me asleep in orbit... and you'd have to sleep on the way up, and sleep on the way down, otherwise... you'd go cuckoo... and there wouldn't be enough food aboard the flight for everybody.
Christopher Floyd: Oh. I don't understand.
Tanya Kirbuk: What do you think that is?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: I don't know. You think Max knows?
Tanya Kirbuk: Dr. Floyd, you are not a very practical man.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: [gesturing to the monolith outside the cockpit window] Look at that thing. Tell me what practical is.
Tanya Kirbuk: Tell me, Dr. Floyd, what has happened to American bravery?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: [testy] It's alive and well, thank you. What happened to Russian common sense?
Dimitri Moisevitch: Have you checked Discovery's orbit lately?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What?
Dimitri Moisevitch: Have you checked the orbit?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What about it?
Dimitri Moisevitch: Now it's getting chilly here. This is very bad for my asthma.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: You know damn well we've been checking it!
Dimitri Moisevitch: I have enjoyed our little chat, Dr. Floyd.
[turns to walk away]
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What is it you're not telling me?
Dimitri Moisevitch: You are a smart man, Dr. Floyd. You will know what to do.
Dimitri Moisevitch: Here we have our quandary: we are going to get there first, yet you have the knowledge to make the trip work.
[realization dawns across Dr. Floyd's face]
Dimitri Moisevitch: How much time do I have left?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: You just bought yourself an extension.
[Chandra inserts two of HAL's modules and activates his console]
Dr. Chandra: This is initial voice-logic reconstruction test number one. Diagnostics on voice recognition and speech synthesis centers has been completed. At this level all functions appear normal.
Dr. Chandra: [while typing] Hello. Doctor. Name. Continue. Yesterday. Tomorrow.
HAL 9000: [mechanically primitive voice synthesis] HE-EL-LO-O. DO-OC-TE-ER. NA-AI-ME. CO-ON-TI-IN-NU-UE-YE-ES TU-UR-DA-AY, TO-O-O-MO-OR-RR-O-OW.
[Chandra inserts two more modules and hits a key to repeat the voice test]
HAL 9000: [sepulchrally] Hello. Doctor. Name, continue, yesterday. Tomorrow?
[Chandra inserts two more modules and repeats the voice test]
HAL 9000: [almost normal] Hello? Doctor? Name? Continue? Yesterday? Tomorrow?
[Chandra inserts two more modules]
HAL 9000: [mechanically and rapidly, rising in pitch and speed] Hellodoctornamecontinueyesterdaytomorrow hellodoctornamecontinueyesterdaytomorrow hellodoctornamecontinueyesterdaytomorrow hellodoctornamecontinueyesterdaytomorrow hellodoctornamecontinueyesterdaytomorrow hellrotinyettyelrotinyettyelrotinyettyelrotinyettyelrotinyetelrotinyet...
[Chandra clears the voice test, inserts the last four modules, and hits a key]
HAL 9000: [perfectly normal] Good morning, Dr. Chandra. This is HAL. I'm ready for my first lesson.
[Chandra turns and paternally pats HAL's "eye"]
Dr. Heywood Floyd: [Seeing Curnow has woken from hibernation] How do you feel?
Walter Curnow: Ugh. Like shit.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Dear Caroline: I miss you terribly. The time has come to put ourselves in an orbit around Io, which is where Discovery is. We don't have enough fuel to slow ourselves down, so we are about to use a technique called aerobraking. The theory is, we will enter the outer layer of Jupiter's atmosphere using what is called a "ballute" for a shield. The atmosphere will slow us down, and Jupiter's gravity will grab hold of us and slingshot us around behind the dark side. If all goes well, we'll wind up in a gentle orbit around Io. It's dynamite on paper. Of course the people who came up with the numbers on the paper aren't here. Since no one has ever done this before, everyone up here is as scared as I am. The difference is, they're busy. I have nothing to do but wait for it to happen. I hope this is all worth it.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Maybe Max should extend the pod's arms. Put the hands out.
Dr. Vasili Orlov: Are you serious?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Yes.
Walter Curnow: I don't know about you, but that thing with its claws in the air would scare the piss out of me.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Maybe you're right.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Curnow, have you heard the one about the marathon runner and the chicken?
Walter Curnow: Don't patronize me. I'm getting nauseous.
Maxim Brajlovsky: If you vomit, you will choke.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Don't close your eyes. Look at the middle of Discovery. The middle, not the ends. Look at the part where it's moving the least. Don't take your eyes off it.
Walter Curnow: l'm gonna throw up. I'm an engineer, goddamn it! Maybe you'd better patronize me a little. What about the marathon runner?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Ah - I made it up.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Buy you a drink? Great stuff, this bourbon. It comes from a land called Kentucky.
Tanya Kirbuk: I didn't know you brought liquor on board. It is forbidden.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: You think I'd set foot on this tub sober? Come on, try it. You can't beat the taste of alcohol and plastic.
Tanya Kirbuk: You think I was wrong to send Max?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Doesn't matter what I think.
Tanya Kirbuk: You think I was wrong
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Yep.
Tanya Kirbuk: [drinks bourbon] So what else do they do in Kentucky?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Uh, they have a big, big horse race. They play very good basketball. They have babies like everyone else.
Tanya Kirbuk: That sounds like a very nice place.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: I've never been there.
Walter Curnow: If it has to taste like this, I don't care if my electrolytes are imbalanced or not.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Someday, the children of the new sun will meet the children of the old. I think they will be our friends.
Dimitri Moisevitch: [to Dr. Heywood Floyd] Neatness. It's a good quality. You'll make somebody a fine wife.
HAL 9000: Are you sure you're making the right decision? I think we should stop.
Victor Milson: The President addressed a joint session of Congress yesterday. He said he wasn't gonna back down on the blockade. I don't know which was scarier, the speech or the Congress cheering it. He evoked Lincoln. Whenever a president is gonna get us into serious trouble, they always use Lincoln. I honestly don't know if we're gonna be at war or not - it's terrifying to hope that the Russians are less crazy than we are, when they are clearly crazy. Right now, I think you're in a safer place than we are. I just hope that there is an Earth to return to.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: We have enough fuel in Discovery for a launch.
[Floyd sticks a pencil to a vertical pane of glass, picks up a pen]
Dr. Heywood Floyd: You have enough fuel in the Leonov for the trip back home.
[the "Discovery" pencil falls with a clatter]
Dr. Heywood Floyd: You've done a spectral analysis?
Dr. Vasili Orlov: Of course I have.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: And...
Dr. Vasili Orlov: And what?
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Dr. Orlov, I'm not taking a survey, if you've done the analysis what are the results?
Dr. Vasili Orlov: Nothing conclusive.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Molecular breakdown?
Dr. Vasili Orlov: If you look carefully at the last page of the data, you will find the answer.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: [after looking at the data] I don't understand this, if this data's correct, then there's something down there.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Can't be correct?
Dr. Vasili Orlov: It is correct.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: Is it moving?
Dr. Vasili Orlov: Yes.