Courtney: Mason, you look wonderful in your tux.
Mason: But not as lovely as you two ladies. What did you do, Madeline, mug a chandelier on the way in?
Ted: Oh, come on Julia, haven't you ever been in love?
Julia: Yes. I've also had scarlet fever and the measles. Ask me which one I liked best.
C.C.: They ought to call my biography, "The Man Whose Wives Refuse To Die."
Augusta Lockridge: Laken, I know I raised you to be cheerful and always look on the bright side of things, but forget about all that right now because this is a time of crisis!
Gina: I only blackmail people who can afford it! I know what I'm doing!
Gina: I stole his sperm.
Lily: You WHAT?
Gina: You heard me! I don't want to repeat it!
Lily: What - did you follow him around with a little bottle until...
Gina: No, no, no, it wasn't like that! I got a job at a sperm bank where I knew he made a deposit and I simply... made a... withdrawal.
Julia Wainwright Capwell: No, Gracie, you can't push yet! Not 'til the baby's head's out!
Mason: Julia, if the woman wants to push...
Julia Wainwright Capwell: What'd you do, get a uterus for Christmas?
[Struggling to come up with nice things to say about Gina]
Mason: Well, I never actually saw her pull the wings off butterflies.
Lionel Lockridge: Let's talk about trust. We used to have that.
Augusta Lockridge: Yes. We also used to have a Studebaker.
Andrea Bedford: I keep trying to say goodbye to my father, but its like writing in invisible ink, you know? It doesn't take.
Mason: Someday I think it would be amusing if great historians debated who was worse CC Capwell or Attila the Hun.
Augusta Lockridge: [after an earthquake has caught her and husband Lionel during sex in a cave] Darling, did the earth move for you, too?
Augusta Lockridge: [to Lionel when he's denying anything happened with Eden Capwell on his boat] You are an aging over-sexed fool!