'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992)
[to Herr Flick and von Smallhausen]
Officer Crabtree: Good moaning, Herr Flock. And von Smellhorsen.
Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty.
[Hans has accidentally run over Herr Flick's car with a steamroller]
Herr Flick: This is very serious! The Gestapo is only insured for third party!
Capt. Hans Geering: Do you not see that if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, then you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau!
René: Simple plans are always the best.
Capt. Bertorelli: Generalissimo, I embrace you.
[bearhugs von Klinkerhoffen to his extreme distaste]
Capt. Bertorelli: Mussolini has given me a present for you: the Italian War Hero Medal.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Ah, the Italian War Hero Medal. I have never seen one of these...
[upon seeing Leclerc's latest disguise]
René: Man of a thousand faces, every one the same.
Michelle Dubois: Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
René: Well, in that case, could you please speak slowly?
Lt. Hubert Gruber: You notice I am walking very gingerly.
René: Do not tell me you have dynamite in your trousers.
Lt. Hubert Gruber: You should not believe everything you hear, Rene.
Michelle Dubois: Listen very carefully; I shall say this only once.
Col. Von Strom: Ah, Helga. What can we do for you?
Capt. Hans Geering: Judging from past experience, very little.
Roger Leclerc: [lifts glasses] It is I, Leclerc.
[Michelle is disguised as a window cleaner]
René: Hang on a minute. You have not finished my windows.
Michelle Dubois: Screw your windows!
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Guards! Arrest all Gypsies driving fire engines.
Officer Crabtree: God Moaning. The resist-once have accqo-aired a bum. They are going to ex-plod the whaleway brodge.
Capt. Bertorelli: What a mistake-a to make-a.
[Rene is shaving in the bathroom when there is a knock on the door]
Yvette Carte-Blanche: Rene, what are you doing?
René: Cutting my throat, my love.
[in order to save René from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, the colonel intends to have a military practice at the site and kill him in the crossfire]
René: I don't know, is it possible to just wound him?
Capt. Hans Geering: With a 22mm shell, "just wounding" may be difficult.
[Maria has disguised the airmen as waitresses, so René mimes to them that they must not go upstairs with the Germans]
Flying Officer Carstairs: [turning to Fairfax] What was all that about?
Flying Officer Fairfax: I think he means that if Hitler comes in and wants us to go upstairs with him, we're not to go.
Flying Officer Carstairs: Is he like "that," then?
Flying Officer Fairfax: Oh, yes.
René: [to the others] And they must not speak.
[Rene turns to the airmen and mimes that they must be silent]
Flying Officer Carstairs: What does that mean?
Flying Officer Fairfax: Well, if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anyone.
Flying Officer Carstairs: Well, it's hardly the sort of thing you boast about, is it.
[Officer Crabtree is standing inside the pissoir, using it, when it is demolished by Edith driving Lieutenant Gruber's little tank]
Officer Crabtree: [climbing out of the rubble] There is obviously no piss for the wicked.
[the airmen have come downstairs, minus their mustaches, dressed as serving girls]
Flying Officer Fairfax: Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again.
[Carstairs drops his arm to his side]
Edith: [looking the airmen up and down] No one will suspect them. They look just like the staff.
René: Edith, the Germans *take* the staff upstairs from time to time. If they took these two upstairs, do you not think that their suspicions will be aroused?
Yvette Carte-Blanche: We are much more attractive. They will take us.
René: And suppose there is a rush?
Flying Officer Carstairs: What are they saying, Fairfax?
Flying Officer Fairfax: I've no idea - it's all in French.
[the airmen have entered the cafe disguised as pallbearers, when a squad of Germans arrive]
Flying Officer Carstairs: What's going on?
Michelle Dubois: [English accent] Jerries. Keep quite or you'll be shot.
Flying Officer Fairfax: [looking down] We're wearing the right clobber for it.
[Edith has devised a plan to help get the airmen to the P.O.W. camp via the graveyard]
René: Edith, if this plan fails, there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot us all against.
Yvette Carte-Blanche: What is happening?
Maria Recamier: We were both aroused by the banging.
Edith: I too was aroused by the banging.
Roger Leclerc: I was aroused when I saw the girls with the candles.
Herr Flick: I have a box of sharp needles somewhere.
[opens a drawer]
Herr Flick: Ah, here they are.
Helga: What have you in mind, Herr Flick?
Herr Flick: I have an excellent gramophone and many old records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing.
Helga: Hitler's speeches quite amusing?
Herr Flick: Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.
Herr Flick: [to the tune of the Hokey Pokey] You put your right boot in, you take your right boot out, you do a lot of shouting and you shake your fists about. You light a little smokie and you burn down ze town, zat's vot it's all about. Ah, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler...
[cut off by telephone]
René: But you won't shoot me?
Col. Von Strom: That goes without saying.
René: I would feel better if you said it, just the same.
René: [to Madame Fanny] You silly old bat!
Lt. Hubert Gruber: Would you like to come for a ride in my little tank?
Flying Officer Carstairs: Look at my knees
[lifts up his "skirt"]
René: Why is he showing you his knees?
Michelle Dubois: He was a scrubber at ze nunnery.
René: No wonder they threw him out.
[to a member of the Communist Resistance]
Capt. Bertorelli: You are a beyoodiful lyedee, but what a cow.
Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the door when I heard a shat.
Monsieur Alfonse: Perhaps Madame Edith will make me the happiest man alive...
René: I thought you wanted to marry her?
Herr Flick: I will not be reporting this incident to Berlin. I do not wish to look a right 'nana.