[Examining Yellowbeard's treasure]
El Nebuloso: Who is it more important to please: the King of Spain, or God?
El Segundo: Why, God, of course.
El Nebuloso: And who is God's personal representative in these parts?
El Segundo: Why, you, your holy ruthlessness.
El Nebuloso: Well, God wants to keep all of it.
Narrator: The pirate Yellowbeard captured many other galleons, killing over five-hundred men in cold blood. He would tear the captains hearts out and swallow them whole. Often forcing his victims to eat their own lips, he was caught and imprisoned... for tax evasion.
Yellowbeard: She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.
Betty: When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head.
Yellowbeard: Does he know about this?
Betty: Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that.
Dan: Look, if you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!
Yellowbeard: Do what?
Dan: Putrify, go rotten!
Yellowbeard: Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.
Yellowbeard: Where's the map?
Betty: What map?
Yellowbeard: If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your tits to the table!
Yellowbeard: Dying's the easy way out. You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die!
Lord Lambourn: [after kicking the Flower girl down a flight of cellar stairs] A good big 'un'll beat a bad little 'un every time.
Yellowbeard: Betrayin's all part of piratin'. If you don't know that you're not even close to being a pirate, "Prawn of my loins", my foot!
Yellowbeard: You're either born a pirate or not! It's in the blood Dan, and it's not in your blood or you'd have betrayed me long ago!
Dan: Everyone will be following you and if they catch you they'll have the map.
Yellowbeard: Bugger them! I'll eat it first. Won't be the first head I've eaten.
Betty: It's been twenty years since we had a little cuddle, and what do you do? Come in and give me a kiss? No, you rush in and hack a hole in the wall.
Betty: Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.
Yellowbeard: I raped ya, if that's what you mean.
Betty: Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.
Yellowbeard: I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.
Betty: Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side, but not fatal dear.
Harvey "Blind" Pew: It sounded as though there was a bit of a squabble.
Moon: Squabble? They're all dead!
Harvey "Blind" Pew: Oh! Must have been more of a tiff then.
Yellowbeard: Oh, been out raping, lad?
Yellowbeard: Nice work lad.
Dan: No, I haven't raped her!
Yellowbeard: [disappointed] No, you wouldn't have you poncy little git! You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar!
Yellowbeard: That's what I liked about her!
Lady Lambourne: Stop that man pissin' on the hedge. It's imported!
Troila: What's happened to Daddy?
Yellowbeard: I killed him!
Dan: He's gone to heaven.
Troila: Aw, that's nice! He sent all his friends there.
Yellowbeard: With your head on my shoulders we could wreck civilization!
Harvey 'Blind' Pew: I may be blind, but I have acute 'earing.
Commander Clement: I'm not interested in your jewellery, cloth eyes.
Betty: If there's one thing I've learned, it's learning things never taught me nuthin'. And books is the worst.
Flunkie: The fat one on the throne is the queen. She's not very well today, so I should kneel upwind of her.
Yellowbeard: When they stretched me on the rack for a couple of years, I didn't go around dyin' all over the place!
Gilbert: Where did you hide the treasure, exactly?
Yellowbeard: You won't catch me with those trick questions.
Yellowbeard: Who're you talkin' about?
Betty: The fruit of your loins, sugar drawers.
Yellowbeard: Are you mad, woman? I haven't got fruit in my loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em!
Betty: It's about your father.
Dan: What about him?
Betty: When I said he was dead, I was only trying to cushion the blow.
Dan: A pirate? Like Yellowbeard?
Betty: Very much like Yellowbeard, yes. In fact, he is Yellowbeard.
Commander Clement: Twenty years ago today you were sentenced to jail.
Yellowbeard: Yes, and now I'm due to released.
Commander Clement: Yes. Or rather, no. You see, twenty years ago, no one was expected to live in jail for twenty years.
Betty: When little Dan came along...
Yellowbeard: Who's Dan?
Betty: [indignantly] My and probably your son!
Yellowbeard: Alright, Dan, if you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger!
Lord Lambourn: Hold your horses...
Dan: I can't kill him! He brought me up! Just like a father.
Yellowbeard: Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?
Lord Lambourn: Yes...
Lord Lambourn: No.
Dan: He's been kind and gentle.
Yellowbeard: What kind of a father is that? Kill him!
Yellowbeard: Alright, I'll do it!
Betty: You're all going after the treasure!
Lord Lambourn: Uh, botanical...
Yellowbeard: Killing plants!
Commander Clement: [about pile of dead bodies] What happened?
Commander Clement: Plague?
Betty: All sudden like! Lucky I was out.
Commander Clement: That man's got a sword in him!
Betty: He fell on it.
Dan: Father! We thought you were dead.
Yellowbeard: Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead. How are you gettin' on pirating?
Dan: Um, well...
Yellowbeard: How many men have you killed so far?
Dan: One. Two, I think.
Yellowbeard: You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinkin'.
Yellowbeard: Oh, bugger me, you've sodded the whole thing up like the stupid little twerp that you are. I was recreating what happened to me twenty years ago, man and boy.
Yellowbeard: You are a Yellowbeard!
Yellowbeard: Killin' your father as I killed my father before me.
Dan: Dad, the blood...
Yellowbeard: That's what I like to hear! You are my son!
Betty: I'm talking about the fruit of your loins.
Yellowbeard: Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em, but no fruit!
Mansell: That wasn't strictly true, was it sir?
Commander Clement: No, Mansell, it was what we in the British Navy call... a lie.
[Betty throws a book Dan had been reading on the floor]
Betty: Read, read, read, read! Let me tell you something - last time I read a book, I was raped. Let THAT be a lesson to you.
Betty: [Recreating the path to where the treasure is burried] Stagger, stagger, crawl, crawl, jump...
Yellowbeard: I'll kill anyone who get's in the way of me killing anyone.
Captain Hughes: What's that?
Mr. Crisp and Verdugo: Oh that's my box sir
Captain Hughes: No carrying your box
Mr. Crisp and Verdugo: Oh Cabin Boy Smith sir
Captain Hughes: Smith has tits
Mr. Crisp and Verdugo: He's been a bit il sir
Captain Hughes: Get her off!
Flower Girl: [to Dan] Will you give me two farthings for a lump of shit?
Dan: [kneels down so he's at her level] What?
Flower Girl: Will you give me two farthings for a lump of shit?
[she smacks him in the face with the ordure and walks away]
Dr. Gilpin: [coming up] Society is to blame.
Yellowbeard: She's yours, is she then, Dan? Let me have a bit of a prod at her first.
Captain Hughes: Wait a minute! What is that?
Gilbert: It's a crocodile, sir.
Captain Hughes: What's it for?
Gilbert: Well, um... each sailor is allowed, by tradition, a pet, sir.
Captain Hughes: One pet per sailor, parrots preferred.
Gilbert: Well, we like clubbed together, as it were, if you take my drift, sir.
Captain Hughes: That's bigger than three parrots.
Gilbert: Not if they're in cages, sir.
Captain Hughes: Open it up.
Gilbert: Open it up?
Captain Hughes: Open it up! There are buttons down the side.
[Gilbert opens the crocodile. Rosie the prostitute is smiling inside]
Captain Hughes: The ancient superstition that a woman onboard brings bad luck is now a proven scientific fact.
Gilbert: Nice try, Rosie.
Rosie: [Rosie walks off and stops a sailor carrying a sheep towards the ship] Shouldn't bother, love. They're fairly strict on this one.
Captain Hughes: Is there anyone here who does not want to serve in Her Majesty's Navy?
[Crewmember raises his hand, Captain Hughes shoots him]
Captain Hughes: Now, is there anyone else here who does not want to serve in Her Majesty's Navy?
Captain Hughes: This is Mr. Moon. His speciality is discipline. This is Mr. Crisp. His specialty is discipline. This is Mr. Prostitute. His speciality...
[Tarbuck starts laughing]
Captain Hughes: Nail that man's foot to the deck!
El Nebuloso: Now beat your head against the ground, until you receive forgiveness from the Almighty!
[El Segundo goes to his knees and starts beating his head against the ground. El Nebuloso kicks him]
El Nebuloso: What are you beating your head against the ground for, you silly person?