Bob McKenzie: [voice-over] I was the last one left after the nuclear holocaust, eh. The whole world had been destroyed, like U.S. blew up Russia and Russia blew up U.S. and Canada. Fortunately, I had been offworld at the time. There wasn't much to do. All the bowling alleys and dounut shops had been wrecked. So's I spent most of my time looking for beer.
Doug McKenzie: The power of the force has stopped you, you hosers.
Bob MacKenzie: [to Pam in a beer tank that's being flooded with beer] My brother and I used to say that drownin' in beer was like heaven, eh? Now he's not here, and I've got two soakers... this isn't heaven. This sucks!
Doug McKenzie: I am your father, Luke. Give in to the dark side of the force, you knob.
Bob McKenzie: He saw Jedi 17 times, eh.
Bob McKenzie: This movie was shot in 3B - three beers - and it looks good, eh?
Doug McKenzie: [after pouring a beer for their dad into a glass from a dog dish] You take it to him.
Bob McKenzie: No way, you take it to him.
Doug McKenzie: No, you.
Bob McKenzie: [both holding the glass] No! I'm gonna let go. I'm lettin' go and you're takin it.
Doug McKenzie: No! I'm lettin' go.
Bob McKenzie: Let go then.
Doug McKenzie: [both let go and the glass smashes] Dad! Bob broke your beer!
Bob McKenzie: No I didn't! Doug broke it!
Fire Chief: [after Bob has put out the fire at the brewery by urinating on it] It took you two minutes what would have taken us two hours. If you ever want a job, you come see me.
[Doug and Bob are hooked up to a polygraph lie detector]
Ted: What have you done with the disk?
Doug McKenzie: What are you looking at me for? I don't got it.
[Ted looks at the polygraph which doesn't show anything off]
Bob McKenzie: Maybe it's out of gas, eh?
[Doug then passes gas in a loud flatulence noise]
Bob McKenzie: Uh, man! You farted!
Doug McKenzie: It wasn't me, it was the chair!
Bob McKenzie: He's lying!
[now the polograph begins showing activity]
Ted: He'd definitely lying all right.
Claude Elsinore: And I'd like to point out that these tapes have not been faked, or altered in any way. In fact they have time coding, which is very hard to fake.
The Judge: For the benefit of the court would you please explain "time coding."
Claude Elsinore: Well, uh... just because I don't know what it is, it doesn't mean I'm lying.
Doug McKenzie: Figures you wouldn't know how to work it if it's got a computer.
Bob McKenzie: Oh yeah, Mister Wizard, you know, eh...
Doug McKenzie: Let me try, I'm a genius.
Bob McKenzie: He once got our dead battery goin' by mixin' bird feces and spit, cause there's like acids in it, eh?
Doug McKenzie: We hope you enjoyed the beer, oh, like I mean the movie, eh.
Bob McKenzie: [to their dog] Eh... Hosehead, once you get there you can have all the free beer and sausages you want.
Bob McKenzie: [to Pam] If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you.
Policeman: I wouldn't go in there. There's a big skunk in there.
The Inspector: [Flashes his badge] We know about that. It's a Toronto skunk. My jurisdiction.
Pam Elsinore: You know how to handle one of those big rigs?
Bob McKenzie: Jeez, it's a ten-speed.
Doug McKenzie: Yeah, sure, o' corse, like, uh, we drive 'em, all the time, eh.
Pam Elsinore: Well take off, eh.
Doug McKenzie: Yeah. OK, well, uh, we found, uh, this mouse in a bottle of YOUR BEER, eh. Like, we was at a party and, uh, a friend of ours - a COP - had some, and HE PUKED. And he said, uh, come here and get free beer or, uh, he'll press charges.
Brewmeister Smith: [to Claude] I could crush your head... like a nut... but I won't. Because I need you.
[realizing that the brakes don't work on their speeding van]
Doug McKenzie: [folding his arms] No point in steering now.
Bob McKenzie: You steer this thing!
Bob McKenzie: I was like a one-man army, like Charlton Heston in "Omega Man." You ever see it? Beauty.
Bob McKenzie: Fleshy-headed mutant. Are you friendly?
Doug McKenzie: No way, eh? Ra-... radiation has made... me an enemy of civilization.
Bob McKenzie: [into a comm unit] Alpha Base. This is Bob McKenzie. I have a fleshy-headed mutant in sector 16B.
[Bob shoots Doug with a toy foam launcher]
Doug McKenzie: Ahhh! Take off, you hoser.
[Bob and Doug are on the witness stand in the courtroom after being sworn on the Bible to tell the truth prior to testimony]
Bob McKenzie: I do.
Doug McKenzie: I do.
Bob McKenzie: I guess we're married, clerk.
Doug McKenzie: Oh.
Bob McKenzie: Where's the honeymoon?
The Judge: Order, Order!
Bob McKenzie: Gimmie a toasted back bacon, hold the toast.
Doug McKenzie: Don't make me laugh, eh.
The Judge: I remind you not to speak, until you are spoken to!
Bob McKenzie: He's startin' to sound like the old man. Soon he'll be sending me out for beers.
[Doug sneezes out the two bullets in his nose... which ricochet around the courtroom!]
[During the preview of the Bob and Doug Mackenzie film, a viewer realizes that the film is about nothing]
Angry Man at Movie: They did this on the album too!
Parking attendant: Hey, you! Six-fifty! Give me $6.50!
[Rosey pulls the parking attendant's jacket down around his arms, hockey style, and shows the guy his fists]
Jean LaRose: All I got is two fives!
[Speaking to the inspector]
Parking attendant: He broke the gate! Then he took my jacket!... And he hit me!
Pam Elsinore: [referring to Bob] I can't believe it! He drank it all!
Doug McKenzie: [after taking multiple checks from the opposing hockey team] Ow, my left nut!
Brewmeister Smith: [shadowing Bob and Doug, and waiting outside their house for what seems like hours] What the *stink* are they *doing* in there?
Doug McKenzie: See, if you'd stick to your 12-point maintinence program, eh, then we wouldn't have to jump-start you like this. Oh, no, you had to do it your way... you think you know everything, eh.
Doug McKenzie: [to the rough-looking convicts in their jail cell] Chimp here does the killin'. I don't like to kill. I'm the brains, eh? Like, we got over five billion dollars in our hideout, only some of the money's marked, eh, so we're not spendin' it. We's just waitin'.
Bald con: Youse guys like a smoke?
Doug McKenzie: No, eh? We want our lungs to be pink when they fry us. Hey, we told 'em we didn't want a lawyer. Chimp here probably just kill him anyway.
Doug McKenzie: Lawyers are for sucks.
Bailiff: Hey, McKenzie brothers. Your lawyer is here.
[Doug and Bob run out of the cell as the convicts relize too late that they were fooled]
Jack Hawkland: [inflicts a savage beating on reporters] That's how you handle the press. Come on.
Bob McKenzie: Remind me to pay his bill on time, eh?
Doug McKenzie: Yeah, Chuck Norris for the defense, eh?