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Dumb but sexy horny teen flick
rosscinema13 November 2004
This is one of those horny teenager films that came out in the 1980's and it's easily just as dumb as most of them but looking at the young cast today this could be interpreted as a curio for this genre. Story is about horny teenagers from two prep schools where the boys and girls engage in raucous behavior from peering into windows to sneaking into showers. The girls side is Cherryvale and the boys Freemount and we see Jim Green (Matthew Modine) who dates Christine Ramsey (Phoebe Cates) and she has decided to give her virginity up and books a room in a cheap Mexican hotel.


Jim's friend Bubba (Michael Zorek) takes bets on the event but he also wants to try and score with the sexy Jordan (Betsy Russell) who is jealous of the fact that Christine and Jim have a solid relationship going on although he and Bubba dress up as woman and sneak into Cherryvale. The Dean is Miss Dutchbok (Fran Ryan) who tries to keep the shenanigans down to a limit but she gets caught in the back of a limo with a chauffeur (Ray Walston) with their lovemaking broadcast over an intercom system!

This film is directed by Noel Black who in 1968 made the terrific "Pretty Poison" but since then he has worked primarily in television and his feature film efforts were regulated to low budget sex romps like this. It would be easy to just unload one bad remark after another for a film like this but that would be too easy and instead I look back at this as something that was a trend and if you compare them with the few horny teen films that are made today you'll see how different they are. The abundance of nudity was actually the norm during this period and actress Betsy Russell has three nude scenes in the first 30 minutes and the scene of her riding the horse topless has gone on to be infamous. The familiar cast is also another reason to check this out and along with Modine, Cates, and Russell is Kathleen Wilhoite, Sylvia Kristel and Brinke Stevens in the shower scene. For trivia there are two things to point out like the fact that Cates sings two songs on the soundtrack and is actually pretty good and the other is that Paula Abdul was the choreographer for the outdoor calisthenics/dance sequence. I'm not really recommending this to anyone because this is one of those films that audiences can make up their minds about on their own but maybe my comments point out a few things to help others decide if they want to venture out and view this.
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Not a great movie, butt...
rlcsljo23 July 2000
And I mean butts. Three of the best rears to grace the movies are shown in this one. Betsy Russell, Brinke Stevens, and Phoebe Cates (hers may have been a body double--but it looked like I had always imagined Phoebe's would look like) show us the goods, and they are good!

There are also some funny gags that not only the boys play on the girls, but also the girls play on each other and on the school faculty.

All the "established" actors are doing their best to drag this movie out of the muck and they just barely do it. (If you want to see how bad teen sex movies can get, just watch "ScrewBalls" and you will see that this movie is really a cut above)

Overall a pretty good "Animal House" rip-off that works much better.
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The Citizen Kane of 80s sex comedies.
TOMASBBloodhound1 April 2007
In a genre that gave us many enjoyable films, Private School may well be the best of the bunch. There is something truly irresistible about a film that sets out only to entertain its audience. There is no hidden agenda or deeper meaning or political motives here. The people who created this gem intended only to make us smile and show us some skin and make a little money in the process. Some days, isn't that all a guy really needs? It's about time this one came out on DVD! The film deals with the social interactions between girls from Cherryvale and the young men from the nearby Freemount Academy. Of course when I say "social interaction" I mean sex. Simply put, the guys are trying to either score with the ladies, or at least get a good Polaroid of them coming out of the shower. The film has a serious undercurrent in how it deals with the relationship between Christine Ramsey (Phoebe Cates) and Jim Green (Matthew Modine). They are trying to lose their virginity under the best possible circumstances, but there are of course complications and misunderstandings. Christine's next door neighbor, the lovely and talented Betsy Russell, is out to steal Jim for herself using methods that would certainly grab any young man's attention. The resulting action plays out in the most satisfactory of ways.

Private School scores on many fronts. The cast which contains many recognizable faces puts as much into their roles as they've done in any other films. The soundtrack featuring Phoebe Cates singing on two different tracks is much better than you would expect, as well. There is tons of random nudity so you will get your money worth in that department.

Curiously enough, there is no DVD commentary by any of the actors in this film. Wouldn't it be fun to hear what Matthew Modine would think today about this early role in his distinguished career? And Martin Mull may have been hiding behind a beard for his little three minute cameo, but the appearance was well-appreciated! He must have snuck this little bit part in between takes of Mr. Mom that year.

For those who may question the logic of the Hound giving all ten stars to this film: Heck, that scene with Betsy Russell topless on the horse was worth eight stars by itself!!! 10 of 10 stars.

The Hound.
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An education is far from their minds.
mylimbo7 February 2009
A very raunchy and crude high school romantic sex comedy starring two luscious hotties in the immensely sweet Phoebe Cates and the wickedly memorable Betsy Russell. After seeing it, how can you forget Russell's topless horse riding scene and the saucy seduction of Matthew Modine's character. Yes… tongues would be hanging! Wait on guys… also featuring is sexpot Sylvia Kristel (well known for the 'Emmanuelle' series) as, just wait… the sex education teacher. Immature minds maybe, but you should know the target audience it's aiming for.

As for the cornball story, it's rather slight with characters coming and going doing their own things with running gags, cheesy set-ups, plenty of flowing nudity and episodic set-pieces. It's the same old high-jinx that remain amusing due to the cast committing themselves and Noel Black's direction being so spiritedly random. There are moments of awkwardness (with many daggy dialogues) and tackiness, but it was hard to keep a smile off my face. I really liked the classy Ray Walston (who a year earlier appeared in the classic teen comedy with Cates; 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High') short, but funny cameo. Matthew Modine was likable enough and Michael Zorek was humorous as a horn-dog. Kathleen Wilhoite (in her film debut) was a cheeky delight as Cates' room-mate/friend and Fran Ryan was terrific as the prudish headmistress. There's also fine additional support by Jonathan Prince, Julie Payne, Richard Stahl, Frank Aletter, Frances Bay and Karen Chase. Look out for a risible appearance by Martin Mull as drug store clerk.

Now the soundtrack is a complete blast. Catchy, hip and upbeat bubblegum sound that's always (well nearly) playing in the background with many old tunes revamped. It's like a record, with someone taking the needle off for a short break to only rip back in to it again. You got the 'Stray Cats', 'Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs' (probably of the favourite of the lot), 'Harry Nilsson', 'Rick Springfield', 'Bow-Wow-Wow' and 'Vanity 6' to name a few.

It's no classic, but a vibrantly charming 80s high school teen sex comedy outing that can't do no wrong.
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S10 Reviews: Private School (1983)
suspiria102 January 2006
Christine (the gorgeous Phoebe Cates) attends Cherryvale, a school for girls. She's dating Jim (Matthew Modine) from the local boy's school. Jim and his pals are always up to no good with many hare-brain schemes in their sexually deprived minds to infiltrate the school and see a bit of flesh. When Christine and Jim decide to go away for the weekend the real fun begins.

'Private School' is my favorite of all the teen comedies of the 80's. It's not rocket science but it's a lot of fun and worth a laugh or two. Acting: * * * (Very Good) Writing / Direction: * * (OK) Technical Design: * * (OK) Music: * * * * (Excellent)

If you liked 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High' and 'Porky's' you may enjoy this one too.
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Phoebe Cates and Betsy Russell
kworkman196323 April 2005
The movie was funny.But let's face it.I,like how many other guys went to see this movie for Phoebe Cates,who is a definite 10 herself.But then we see this vision riding horseback! Betsy Russell is an 11 on a scale of one to ten.And how many of us knew who she was. Fond memories of my teenage years.I am sure for many other too.As bad as this may sound to some,Phoebe Cates is the girl you would marry,and Betsy Russell the mistress.Both incredible beauties.Betsy Russell exudes SEX APPEAL.Phoebe Cates the pretty,wholesome girl next door.As for the rest of the cast does anyone even care. Matthew Modine for instance,was and has always been the stereotypical Nerd that tried to pull off the cool jock type.What a lucky guy to have worked with two amazing beauties.The seen with Betsy getting massaged by Matthew was a classic,the way she giggled and gyrated was something to behold.I am not sure if I have seen anyone sexier.between that scene and the horse back riding.This lady shows her true talents.If any of you guys want to see true sex appeal at it's finest.This is the ticket!!!!!!!!!!!
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Bearable and bare-able!
scott-sw15 December 2007
This was one I enjoyed in High School (and College) to see some T&A. Phoebe Cates plays Christine Ramsey, Matthew Modine plays Jim. He loves Chris, and Chris loves him. Enter Jordan Lee Jensen, played by Betsy Russell. She has the hots for Jim so she tries to break them up. In the meantime, you have plenty of T&A as Bubba tries to score and ends up in the girls shower. Sure, the plot is thin, the humor is thin, but Betsy Russell is so HOT! Probably the best scene is Russell riding topless on a horse. Even clothed this woman begs the male eye to revel and take in every inch of her skin. It's not Fast Times at Ridgemont High (also starring Cates) or The Breakfast Club--but Private School for Girls got me through those years when I wanted to see a lot of T&A. It is finally on DVD (much to the chagrin of Phoebe Cates), fully restored and in letterbox format to make the shower scene all the more pleasurable. It was about time, considering that lame movies like Night Patrol, Night of the Living Dead II and the Party Animal being put on DVD. In any case, I am truly sorry, Phoebe. However, the fans demanded it and Universal finally responded.
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Great viewing
choco_bikkies15 October 2005
This movie was a great watch for me as a young girl. I have fond memories, the crude jokes, the gratuitous nudity and the humor and stereotypes that made the movie a classic in my books. At least it has a great storyline for a movie of this sort and makes for great viewing.

Betsy Russell on nude horseback is memorable and unforgettable, the sheer brassiness of this lass and do-whatever-it-takes attitude to steal Matthew Modine from Phoebe Cates by being terribly unsubtle in her advances to him. And Bubba... Bubba the hot-blooded horny male that desperately wants to get into the pants of every female student with his salivating and dirty character.

This is where I feel in love with Matthew Modine and also was my first naughty flick that I saw,nevertheless I think the casting was great and I don't think there has been any movie that has really outdone it in this genre. Great toilet humor. Good laugh and great hairstyles.A must see.
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Great shower scene
jsmilkovich3 August 2003
Rent this movie for the shower scene, you'll love it (though not as good as the one in "Hellhole"). Voyeurism is rampant in this flick... I loved Betsy Russell's character the most. A very funny movie and definitely worth spending $$ on.
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The 2nd greatest ever teen sex-comedy starring Phoebe Cates.
BA_Harrison14 January 2007
Private School (for Girls) is a teen sex-comedy that isn't particularly funny, and doesn't feature much sex. It is, however, an 80s teen sex-comedy and, furthermore, it is an 80s teen sex-comedy that stars the most gorgeous actress to have ever graced this earth, the delicious Phoebe Cates. For these reasons, I am willing to cut the movie a lot of slack.

Christine (Phoebe Cates), a student at an all girls school, is in love with Jim (Matthew Modine), who is attending a nearby academy for boys. They are planning their first night of passion together but, when busty bitch Jordan (Betsy Russell) sets her sights on Christine's guy, they find that the course of true love n'er did run smooth (as some poet once wrote). Meanwhile, Jim's school buddies involve him in all sorts of crazy capers in a desperate attempt to see (and hopefully score with) as many naked babes as possible.

Private School may not be the greatest example of its genre (I think that accolade goes to Fast Times at Ridgmont High, also starring Phoebe Cates), but it still has bags of 80s charm, a likable cast and, of course, loads of quality tits and ass on display! And although Ms. Cates keep herself mostly covered up in this movie, the vivacious Betsy Russell does her best to compensate by getting her ample charms out at the drop of a hat.

Viewers are also treated to a great cheesy dance routine with the girls (clad in lycra leotards and leg-warmers) bending and stretching (to the song The American Girl by Rick Springfield), a real corker of a shower scene, the unforgettable sight of a topless Ms. Russell riding a horse in slow motion, and an appearance by Emmanuelle herself, Sylvia Kristel, who, unsurprisingly, plays the sex education teacher.

Private School is enjoyably silly trash for those who love immature teen comedies with loads of nudity (ie., me!).
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Great teen movie from the eighties
jameslirich27 December 2005
Warning: Spoilers
This film is very good. The usual boy wants girl kind of thing. Plenty of exploitation with girls naked and showing their breasts. If this is what your looking for, then this movie is exactly that. A fun comedy which they don't make the same today. One girl is very hot as she gets plenty of exploitation. Guys are after her even her friend's father gets hold of her in a scene. Hold of her(think about it) If you want to watch an eighties movie about highschool and hot women.Then you found the right film. This film is also well made as in direction, photography and all that. Do not expect a cheap or poorly shot flick. It is still watchable today. But I have not heard of this flick before. The acting is OK too. If you ain't seen this one then i suggest you see it if this genre is your thing, cos its well made and plenty(lots man) of exploitation that which is another movie which they don't seem to make the same today.
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Classic Early 1980s Cheese!
Solnichka McPherson5 October 1999
Warning: Spoilers
This is one of my favorite teenage sex comedies. Taken for what it is and not as anything more, this film stands out for its cast of eventual stars, big names and an excellent soundtrack well ahead of its time.

It's a stereotype haven, with the nerds, fat kid, and jocks on one side and the virgin, the slut and the dork on their femaile side. Sure, it's sappy, stupid and gratuitous, but it doesn't really try to be anything else. Among the best scenes: the bareback horse-riding scene, the Ray Walston scene in the car with the dean of the private school, and any scene with Bubba in it. Watch it and enjoy it for what it is.

Matthew Modine is pretty funny in this; he's so young. Same with Phoebe Cates. You see these actors in their youth, and you begin to appreciate the pathway some actors have to take to make it to real film-making.

And the music. Did I mention that? Great soundtrack, although they evidently used some songs in the original without license, so some versions may be altered accordingly.
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Another Classic '80s Drive-in Movie!
dgordon-111 April 2002
While a lot of the reviewers for this movie don't seem to like it, I seem to be in the minority. This movie for me has always ranked up there with other great '80s teen flicks like "Making the Grade", "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", "Sixteen Candles" and so on. The storyline is light, and there is a lot of bawdy humour, but the cast is what makes this movie. Everything from Betsy Russell riding horseback topless, to the 'mooning' at the end give this movie it's charm. I was surprised to see it still on video, and it's a treasured addition to my movie collection.
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Does what a teen movie needs to do.
Menno2 August 2011
OK as I said this is a teen movie so it needs to have hot girls, show enough skin, have stupid (in the good way) humor and be anti authority. This movie has it all. It isn't the best in it's respective genre but it is good enough to keep you entertained.

The negative (or positive you decide) of this movie is that it leans a little heavy on the tits and ass and sometimes neglects the other elements of the movie. Don't believe me look at the box shots, they just look like a cheap porn.

The only thing I don't get is why an exclusive girl and boy school would be build so close to each other and have that level of interaction it kinda beats the point of having a separated school in the first place. I guess it feeds into the male fantasy or something.
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Goof: riding seen
Nbvs18 December 2006
I love Phoebe Cates. So I had to give this movie a ten, even though I might be insane for doing so. I noticed that there were some goofs in the postings for this movie. I found another one. In the riding seen, Jim is sitting with Christine on the fence when Jordan decides to go "topless". When Bubba starts to chase her on his horse, you can see Jim running behind him. He is no longer on the fence. How many times do you think I had to see this movie to come up with that one? Martin Mull has a small role as the pharmacist in the drugstore where Christine is trying to buy condoms. He is not listed in the credits. Also, I noticed that Paula Abdul was in the credits for organizing the dance sequence. This must have been even before her singing career. She was a cheerleader for the Lakers' basketball team. This must have been one of her first jobs.
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dimplet14 April 2014
Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was no Internet. The world was a dark and dreary place. There were no cellphones, no selfies, no sexting. There were no porn sites filled with naked girls by the thousands, open to teens with just a click of the "Yes, I'm an adult" box. If you were a teen and your parents had a VCR (which cost about $1,000 back then), you still couldn't go into the XXX section of your local video rental store, if there was one. Heck, you couldn't even buy -- or browse -- a Playboy magazine, legally.

So what was left? Weeellllll, you could actually do it in person, but that would require actually meeting a girl. It was all quite mysterious, back in the days before porn. So, for the sex-starved American male, there was the local movie theater, or, better yet, drive-in. Way back then, a little nudity went a long way to attracting audiences, at least males. And that's about all you get with "Private School."

Originality, you do not get. We get clumsily remade scenes from the great classics of teen porn, such as Animal House - 1978, specifically, the second story peeping Toms. We get the shower scenes in homage to Porky's - 1982. And we get a sex ed class, a la The Meaning of Life - March 1983. And then there were the cross-dressing scenes, which were original in Some Like it Hot, way back in 1959. Yawwwwn.

What's the difference between Private School and porn? Porn is more educational. We don't actually learn anything in the sex ed class scene, unlike The Meaning of Life and any self-respecting porno. What we do learn is that Sylvia Kristel, who is a surprisingly good actress, gives an incredibly bad performance, presumably on the demand of director Noel Black. Was this some sort of retribution for a lack of "cooperation"? (No, Kristel does not provide a "demonstration" in the movie.)

We should not forget Dan Greenburg and Suzanne O'Malley, credited with "writing" this movie (I wonder if they list it on their resume?). And who came up with the imaginative title: "Private School"?

Fortunately, Phoebe Cates is treated with more respect. I'm glad her career survived this flaming turkey. She was excellent in Gremlins. Where have you gone, Phoebe? You can come out of hiding now. All is forgiven!

If Private School were released today in a movie theater, would anyone show up? Would anyone stay to the end? Maybe. There are some people who actually enjoy stupid, bad movies. (Which raises the question of why I watched it. Answer: I stumbled on it in Leonard Maltin's book, and found the cast (Phoebe Gates AND Sylvia Kristel!!!??? (Don't be fooled: There is NO Phoebe and Sylvia scene) ) and rating of "BOMB" intriguing.) But the sex scenes wouldn't cut it, these days. Now, sex has to be graphic and dished out in heaping helpings, like Nymphomaniac, etc. Some mainstream movies are now nothing more than porn with better production values, like Titanic -- and unlike Private School, which had neither high production values, nor graphic sex.

Stay to the end? I dare you to make it past the credits! The title song is atrocious, repulsive and repeats a certain four-letter word, perhaps to help spice up the R rating. This movie is pure, shameless teensploitation. Perhaps it should be titled "Shameless."

Don't get me wrong: I have nothing against nudity, porn, or sex in movies, just snickering, un-erotic, sagging nudity. But, hey, if this movie turns you on, enjoy those hyper-hormones while you can. Youth is wasted on the young. Go out and meet a real girl. If you don't know what to do with her, watch some real porn. You won't learn anything at this "Private School."
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Private School (1983) ***
JoeKarlosi5 January 2009
OK, this one's a nostalgic kick of mine, I must admit. I was 21 years old when it hit theaters, and I had already fallen in love with Phoebe Cates after seeing her in FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH the previous year. She's even more gorgeous throughout PRIVATE SCHOOL, but she's got some serious competition from the equally stunning "bad girl" Betsy Russell, who plays her sexy rival in this gratuitous teen sex comedy.

If it sounds like all I'm doing is drooling like an adolescent school boy, well -- no apologies here; this is just an all-out "the guys want to get into the girls pants" farce, and it's one of the "best" of the so-called "Eighties Sexploitation Genre", as far as these things go. There's not much need of a plot description necessary ... male students from a nearby Academy For Men try to crash a Private School For Girls to get their young rocks off. Man pursues wo-man, east and west meet. It's that simple. PRIVATE SCHOOL's got a good '80s music score, some funny scenes, and a lot of T&A (and even some C) on display for every red-blooded American male to gawk at. Also -- clueless and victimized teachers, stuffy parents, school pranks -- the usual formula, which is what we're there for. But in addition there's at least one respectable angle with "good girl" Cates being in love with Matthew Modine and their plans to "do it" for the first time, the right way, in a romantic getaway. Ray Walston, who was so memorable as Mr. Hand in FAST TIMES, returns in a small but welcome part as a perverted chauffeur. If you know what to expect and it's what you're looking for, dive in. If you don't go for this sort of thing, don't waste your (and my) time watching and whining about it. *** out of ****
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Betsy Russell
JimS_86861 April 2008
Private School brings back memories of when I was a young kid in about 5th or 6th grade, and thinking I was pulling off the coup of a lifetime figuring out a way to see a film such as this without my parents finding out.

In retrospect, the film seems like a vehicle for Mrs. Cates. Her swimming pool sequence in "Fast Times" the year before remains fondly remembered in cinematic history decades later. Ray Walston a.k.a "Mr. Hand" even turns up in a small role. However, the gorgeous Betsy Russell steals the show as Cates' arch-nemesis.

The soundtrack is surprisingly decent, and the movie today seems like nothing more than harmless T&A fun, with a romantic element which would surely appeal to the chick-flick crowd. Roger Ebert in fact gave this a higher star rating than 'Ridgemont' if you could believe that. On the basis of Betsy Russell's presence, I can't say I blame him. This woman is smoking hot. Up there with the greatest babes of all time.

Private School = An '80s classic. It is impossible for any red blooded heterosexual male to not fall in love with Betsy Russell. If you consider yourself a fan of Fast Times At Ridgemont High, it works as an unofficial sequel. . . if nothing else.
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Just another entertaining 80's teen sex comedy
gangstahippie4 March 2008
Rated R for Sexual Content,Nudity and Language

Private School is one of the many 1980's teen sex comedies released.I enjoy the teen film genre and I have seen a few of the sex comedies from the 80's.I would say "The Last American Virgin" is the greatest 80's teen sex comedy because it is fairly funny and also has a good mix of realistic drama as well.Anyway I saw Private School and I thought it was decent.Its nothing special really.If you like the genre, then you will like this movie, if you don't like the genre, then you wont like this movie.Its as simple as that.It stars Phoebe Cates who previously was in Fast Times At Ridgemont High(Mr.Hand from that film also plays a role).Its basically about girls at a private school who cause trouble and try to be with their boyfriends at the all boys academy.Pretty entertaining, funny at times but nothing special.
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It's just got the greatest soundtrack...
TheInvisibleCar14 December 2007
I'm giving it a seven, which I will admit would be high if my enjoyment had anything to do with just dialogue or story content. But honestly, I'm about to buy the DVD, because there is no CD of the soundtrack available, if there ever even was one, but it's why I used to watch the movie again and again whenever it came on the tube. I have seen something about some CD, but with only 5 of the movie's songs on it, and not available for sale!!! But, if everybody burned out on that Big Chill soundtrack, hopefully everybody by now if not ten years ago already, then this is it, the best movie soundtrack there is! Only, you can't buy the soundtrack, so, you have to just watch the movie! Not a great movie, nothing to study with the lights off or even make popcorn for, but if you like music, for that reason, you might enjoy watching this, perhaps just some weekend afternoon when you are just moping about the house and would have been flipping channels with the remote if you weren't watching the movie, under those conditions, if you like music, you might also like the movie, and perhaps wonder why they don't sell a complete soundtrack to the movie! (Okay, The Big Chill soundtrack album/CD didn't include The Rolling Stone's "You can't always get what you want," but it had the rest.) I've searched the web repeatedly, no soundtrack release for this movie ever seems to have existed. And yet, it's an absolutely great one! So, for the music, and the fact I'm even going to buy the DVD, just to hear all the music again, I'm giving it a 7. So there!
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This movie and others of this type
almoura_24 September 2007
Well I loved Private Schools it makes me VERY HAPPY,Excellent movie, nice soundtrack,good production. I just love this type of films just like like "The New Guy","Bring It On","Not Another Teenagers Movie","Meatballs",(maybe called Teenagers movies)... You know this kind of movies they make me real happy, they make me remember my school mates,the summer,its hard to explain my feeling.I could see this kind of movies over and over and over again.

The character i most liked was Bubba hes so funny and just hes face when seeing a chick makes me laugh.

Overall: This movies are AWESOME!!
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I have seen Betsy Russell and she is GLORIOUS!
stioux30 July 2003
Warning: Spoilers
This was an awesomely bad 80's film. The fact you could run a Mack Truck through the plot line is a moot point. You have a very hot Betsy Russell riding on top of a horse topless, Russell's shower scene, and her seducing of Modine is glorious. Phoebe Cates is hot as well but the Hubba Hubba award goes to Betsey. Plus this movie has My Favorite Martian "Mr. Hand" as a horny limo driver making out with the school master, what great fun. The biggest reason I like the film is nostalgia. I loved watching this film as a kid and watching it brings me back in time. If I was Greek I would say OPA! An Oscar type film no, a good film no, but it beats watching infomercials!
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What an embarrassment
hall8954 November 2011
Private School is one of those movies which, all these years later, you just know that everyone who had anything to do with making it is embarrassed to have been involved. Heck, I'm embarrassed and all I did was watch the stupid thing. It's a teen sex comedy about the students at two private schools, one for girls and one for boys. The plot revolves around the boys and their rather pathetic attempts to see the girls naked. Antics ensue. Desperately unfunny antics. Even in the most horrible comedy movies there's usually a good laugh or two sprinkled in somewhere. Not here. There is nothing funny in this movie. Nothing. The movie features a young Matthew Modine who was very fortunate to salvage a career after appearing in this turkey and Phoebe Cates, fresh off her Fast Times at Ridgemont High bikini brilliance. Ray Walston, who played Mr. Hand in Fast Times, also pops up. Oh, how I wish I had just watched Fast Times again instead of sitting through this debacle of a movie.

Aside from Modine, Cates and Walston the cast is made up of a bunch of nobodies, most of whose acting is so terrible it is easy to see why they had no careers to speak of. The closest thing to a somebody besides the aforementioned trio is Betsy Russell. It is her character, Jordan, who's the bad girl determined to break up the sweet, innocent couple played by Modine and Cates. Jordan's seductive weapon of choice? Topless horseback riding. Subtle. If nothing else that provides a memorable fifteen seconds of film. Of course if the best thing you can say about a movie is that a girl takes her shirt off and rides around on a horse for fifteen seconds you know it must be a truly awful movie indeed. There's also the obligatory shower scene which at least gives us a few minutes of relief from the movie's hideous dialogue, terrible jokes and incredibly uninteresting plot. Very early on in the movie one of the characters goes off to get herself a bag full of horse excrement. Seriously. There's a statement about this movie's quality right there. How would I succinctly describe this movie? It's exactly what's in that bag.
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Animal House School
sol-20 December 2016
Friends and enemies come in the way of two high school students planning a romantic weekend to lose their virginity in this raunchy comedy from 'Pretty Poison' director Noel Black. The plot here is wafer thin and only really serves as a launching pad for a series of 'Animal House' style gags and pranks, however, these episodes are so amusing and memorable that it could hardly matter less how simple the overarching story is or how admittedly bland the two protagonists are. An uncredited Martin Mull carries the film's best sequence in a kooky turn as a fast-talking pharmacist who makes condom-buying a challenge, but the entire supporting cast is in top form - Ray Walston as a sly chauffeur and Fran Ryan as a stern headmistress (who gets caught in every shenanigan) in particular. Betsy Russell also does well playing the closest the film has to an antagonist and there is a hilarious sequence in which she is lured into a male dormitory room full of boys spying on her from every nook and cranny, something she remains oblivious to despite several boys almost showing their faces and often making noises! Not all of the humour works though; it is more pitiful than funny to see the three main male characters dress in drag to sneak into the girls' dormitory. The casting of Sylvia ('Lady Chatterly's Lover') Kristel as a mousy sex education teacher is something that must have sounded funnier on paper than it is in actuality. Generally speaking though, this is a pleasant and frequently funny ride with an ending that it is hard to forget and a catchy theme song.
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