Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun... We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of you're assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
Rusty Griswold: [Grab's Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an Asprin?
Clark: Don't touch!
Clark: Could I do your back, honey?
Ellen Griswold: I've already done my back.
Clark: Could I do your front?
Ellen Griswold: Go do your own front.
Audrey Griswold: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?
Ellen Griswold: Find a bush Audrey!
Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.
Mechanic 2: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark: Yeah, well, I'm from out of town. So, what's the bill? Come on, come on, how much?
Mechanic 1: How much you got?
Clark: No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic 1: And I'm asking how much you got!
Clark: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, OK? So how much is it?
Mechanic 1: [waving a wrench] All of it, boy!
Clark: What does your sheriff think of your business practices?
[Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge]
Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark?
Clark: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.
Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.
Ed, the car salesman: I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport!
Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed?
Ed, the car salesman: Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?
Davenport: I don't know sir.
Ed, the car salesman: [to Clark] I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.
Clark Griswald: Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?
Ed, the car salesman: I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster... You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.
Clark Griswald: I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ
Ellen Griswold: [after the bartender shoots at Clark] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.
Clark Griswald: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Clark Griswald: I said didn't you think it was real?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Ellen Griswold: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.
Clark Griswald: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.
Audrey Griswold: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.
Cousin Vicki: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?
[Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]
Clark Griswald: Roy... can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country?
Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible.
Clark Griswald: Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell. Roy, could you imagine if you had driven all the way to Florida and it was closed?
Roy Walley: Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.
Clark Griswald: So, this is the old homestead, eh?
Cousin Eddie: Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast.
Clark: Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.
Clark: Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?
Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.
Ellen Griswold: [into a phone] I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was... Clark!
Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.
Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.
Clark: Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?
Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.
Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About $52,000.
Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
[after driving off the road]
Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose.
Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain.
Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.
Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?
Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father... may be going away for a little while.
Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Clark: I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
Roy Walley: No.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.
Roy Walley: Well, somebody better explain, or there'll, uh... there'll be a lot of explaining to do.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: It's a BB gun!
Clark: Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.
Clark: I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?
Rusty Griswold: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
Ellen Griswold: They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.
Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya' got Pac Man?
Cousin Dale: No.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Space Invaders?
Cousin Dale: Nope.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Asteroids?
Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.
Ellen Griswold: Gee Cath looks like you really got your hands full.
Catherine: Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.
Ellen Griswold: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.
Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and he...
[pointing to Clark]
Aunt Edna: He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!
Ellen Griswold: SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!
Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.
Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ...
[pauses as Rusty walks away]
Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...
Clark: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Griswold: Oh spare me, Clark, I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
Clark: I'm making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
Ellen Griswold: We can't leave her on the patio!
Clark: Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?
Audrey Griswold: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!
[looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat]
Ellen Griswold: She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark?
Clark Griswald: Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess.
Ellen Griswold: That is the meanest, coldest...
Clark Griswald: Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Audrey Griswold: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards.
Ellen Griswold: Don't just blurt it out about Edna dying.
Clark Griswald: How about if I ask him to play 20 Questions?
[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]
Clark Griswald: Oh, for chrissake, he isn't even home!
Ellen Griswold: Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
Clark Griswald: The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.
Ellen Griswold: Normie's always been flighty.
Clark Griswald: He's always been a jackoff...
Ellen Griswold: Would you watch your mouth!
Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
Pimp: Fuck yo mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.
Clark: [Edited TV version] Excuse me. Could you please tell how to get back on the expressway?
Pimp: Man, who do I look like, Christopher "Columbo"
Clark: Thank you very much.
[the kids are playing Pacman while Clark is designing a map on the computer]
Clark: Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.
[In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two native Americans on horses watch him]
Clark: We pass a damn gas station every hundred yards for a thousand miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!
[Coughs and continues to rant]
Cowboy: What an asshole.
Clark: I've spent the last 15 years of my life developing newer and better food additives. I guess I've missed an awful lot. At first, I didn't want to take this vacation. But, now I'm glad I did. It's given me a chance to spend a lot more time with you and... uh...
Clark: Audrey, yeah.
Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen Griswold: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her... give her a break.
Ellen Griswold: Clark... Clark... This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?
Aunt Edna: Clark, Dinkins needs a long walk and a bath.
Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkins.
Rusty: Dad he bites.
Clark: Bite him back.
Clark: Aah, what d'ya say honey? Ohh. Despite all the little problems, it really is fun isn't it?
Ellen Griswold: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.
Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey you can't prove that Russ.
Lasky: Rusty, may I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once.
Rusty: What happened?
Lasky: I threw up.
Ellen Griswald: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.
Clark Griswald: No, it isn't.
Clark Griswald: When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.
Clark Griswald: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.
Ellen Griswald: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
Audrey Griswald: Yes, he can!
Clark Griswald: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.
Cousin Eddie: Yeah, I bet you could use a cool one, eh?
Clark: Now you're talking!
[Eddie hands Clark his opened beer he'd been drinking and opens the last fresh one for himself]
Cousin Eddie: [at the cookout] Aunt Edna! Supper's gettin' cold!
Clark Griswald: [to Ellen] Is that *your* Aunt Edna?
[Ellen slinks away from the table]
Aunt Edna: Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?
Catherine: [nervously] Uh, no; I was just about to.
Ellen Griswold: Good news, what good news, Catherine?
Aunt Edna: You're driving me to Phoenix!
[Clark begins choking on his hamburger]
The Girl in the Ferrari: It's too bad you're married... I'm in the mood for some fun!
Rusty Griswold: That was a crummy Wyatt Earp dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to Rusty.
Ellen Griswold: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.
Audrey Griswold: Let's not overdo it, mom.
Ellen Griswold: Shut up.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Clark: Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Ed, the car salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Clark: Metallic Pea?
Clark: [after being in the desert for too long, Clark begins to go insane] Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Dead. I'm dead. Taxi! Here boy! The heat. Darn. I'm dead. I'm finished. Hot! Hot!
[Clark has just been pulled over by a Colorado motorcycle cop]
Clark: Hi officer, what's the problem?
Motorcycle Cop: Get out of the car!
[Clark exits from the car]
Clark: I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?
Motorcycle Cop: Shut your mouth, sir! You know, if I weren't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, "police brutality!"
Clark: Well whatever I did, I'm sure I can explain...
[the motorcycle cop forcibily takes Clark by the arm and leads him to the rear of the car, which has a dog leash still tied to it]
Motorcycle Cop: Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch!
Clark: Oh my God...
Aunt Edna: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!
Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!
Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...
[the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]
Motorcycle Cop: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.
Ellen Griswold: Clark, I need my vanity case. We've got to go back and look for it. All my credit cards are in it.
Clark: Honey, Number 1: I've already called the bank and told them you lost them. B: there's no way we're going to find it when we don't even know where it fell off. And 3: I've got my credit cards and we've still got plenty of cash. OK?
Ellen Griswold: No, we don't. You gave $500 to Eddie, and everything on this safari has cost twice as much as you figured out.
Clark: Honey, there's nothing in that luggage that can't be replaced. Except for your... diaphragm. We can always cash a check down the road. Don't you trust me?
Ellen Griswold: As long as you don't tie me to the rear bumper.
Clark: That hurt, Ellen.
Ellen Griswold: [leaving the house] I turned off the water, the stove, the heat and the air, locked the door, notified the police, stopped the papers. I called to get the grass cut. Did I put the timers on the living-room lights?
Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
Clark: Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible.
Motorcycle Cop: How do you think that little dog feels?
Clark: Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
Motorcycle Cop: Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
[both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them]
Motorcycle Cop: Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
Motorcycle Cop: Tough little mutt...
[after jumping into the freezing-cold pool]
Clark: Aaaaaah! Jesus! Fuck!
[Clark punches the Marty Moose statue]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, what are you doing?
Clark: We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!
Clark Griswald: [to the Dodge City bartender] Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?
[the bartender ignors him]
Clark Griswald: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!
[the bartender glares at Clark]
Clark Griswald: Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!
[the bartender angrily glares at Clark]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, that's not nice.
Clark Griswald: Relax, it's all part of the act.
[to the bartender]
Clark Griswald: Hey Underpants...
[the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!]
Clark: I don't give a frogs fat ass who went through what. We need money.