Quotes

Audrey Griswold: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?

Ellen Griswold: Find a bush Audrey!

Mechanic 2: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.

Clark: Yeah, well, we're from out of town. How much do I owe you?

Mechanic 1: How much you got?

Clark: No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.

Mechanic 1: And I'm asking how much you got!

Clark: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to fool around so how much is it?

Mechanic 1: [waving a wrench] All of it, boy!

Clark: What does your sheriff think of your business practice?

[Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge]

Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun... We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of you're assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!

Rusty Griswold: [Grab's Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an Asprin?

Clark: Don't touch!

Ed, the car salesman: I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport!

Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed?

Ed, the car salesman: Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?

Davenport: I don't know sir.

Ed, the car salesman: [to Clark] I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.

Clark Griswald: Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?

Ed, the car salesman: I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster... You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.

Clark Griswald: I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ

Audrey Griswold: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.

Cousin Vicki: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?

[Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]

Clark Griswald: So, this is the old homestead, eh?

Cousin Eddie: Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast.

Clark: Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?

Ellen Griswold: [into a phone] I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was... Clark!

Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.

Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?

Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.

Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.

Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.

Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?

Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father... may be going away for a little while.

Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?

Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: It's a BB gun!

Clark: Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.

Rusty Griswold: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.

Ellen Griswold: They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.

Ellen Griswold: Gee Cath looks like you really got your hands full.

Catherine: Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.

Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.

Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ...

[pauses as Rusty walks away]

Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...

Clark: I'm making out a check for $1000, all you have to do is give me $300 in cash and keep the $700, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.

Audrey Griswold: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!

Ellen Griswold: Don't just blurt it out to Normie about Edna dying.

Clark Griswald: How about I ask him to play 20 Questions?

[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]

Clark Griswald: Oh, for chrissakes, he isn't even home!

Ellen Griswold: Maybe the neighbors know where he is.

Clark Griswald: The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.

Ellen Griswold: Normie's always been flakey.

Clark Griswald: He's always been a jackoff...

Ellen Griswold: Would you watch your mouth!

Clark: [Edited TV version] Excuse me. Could you please tell how to get back on the expressway?

Pimp: Man, who do I look like, Christopher "Columbo"

Clark: Thank you very much.

[In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two men on horses watch him]

Clark: We passed a God damn gas station every 10 yards for 1000 miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!

Cowboy: What an asshole.

Clark: Russ, it's really great that I can spend time with you and... uh... uh... uh...

Rusty: Audrey, Dad.

[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]

Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.

Ellen Griswold: Clark...

Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.

Aunt Edna: Clark, Dinkins needs a long walk and a bath.

Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkins.

Rusty: Dad he bites.

Clark: Bite him back.

Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?

Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.

Clark: Hey you can't prove that Russ.

Ellen Griswald: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.

Clark Griswald: No, it isn't.

Clark Griswald: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.

Ellen Griswald: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.

Audrey Griswald: Yes, he can!

Clark Griswald: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.

Cousin Eddie: [at the cookout] Aunt Edna! Supper's gettin' cold!

Clark Griswald: [to Ellen] Is that *your* Aunt Edna?

[Ellen slinks away from the table]

The Girl in the Ferrari: It's too bad you're married... I'm in the mood for some fun!

Ellen Griswold: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.

Audrey Griswold: Let's not overdo it, mom.

Ellen Griswold: Shut up.

Clark: [after being in the desert for too long, Clark begins to go insane] Taxi! Taxi! Here boy!

Cousin Dale: [to Rusty] Do you ever "bop your baloney"?

Aunt Edna: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!

Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...

Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!

Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...

Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...

[the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]

Motorcycle Cop: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.

Ellen Griswold: No, we don't. You gave $500 to Eddie, and everything on this little safari has cost us twice as more then you figured out.

Clark: Honey, we're fine. Plus there's nothing in that luggage that can't be replaced. Except... your diaphragm. Worse comes to worse, we can always cash a check down the road. Don't you trust me?

Ellen Griswold: As long as you don't tie me to the rear bumper.

Clark: That hurt, Ellen.

Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.

Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.

Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.

[after jumping into the freezing-cold pool]

Clark: Aaaaaah! Jesus! Fuck!

Clark Griswald: [to the Dodge City bartender] Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?

[the bartender ignors him]

Clark Griswald: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!

[the bartender glares at Clark]

Clark Griswald: Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!

[the bartender angrily glares at Clark]

Ellen Griswold: Clark, that's not nice.

Clark Griswald: Relax, it's all part of the act.

[to the bartender]

Clark Griswald: Hey Underpants...

[the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!]

[repeated line]

Ellen Griswold: Clark, what are you doing?