Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983)
Marley: Ebenezer? Remember when I was alive I robbed from widows and swindled the poor?
Scrooge: Yes, and all in the same day. Oh, you had class, Jacob.
Marley: Ha-yuk. Yup. Er, no, no! I was wrong. And so, as punishment, I'm forced to carry these heavy chains for eternity! Maybe even longer.
Scrooge: My partner, Jacob Marley, dead seven years today. Oh, he was a good'n. He robbed from the widows and swindled the poor. In his will, he left me enough money to pay for his tombstone, and I have him burried at sea!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Well, it's about time! Haven't got all night, you know.
Scrooge: Who... who are you?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Why, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Scrooge: Oh. I thought you'd be taller.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Hmph! Listen, Scrooge, if men were measured by kindness, you'd be no bigger than a speck of dust.
Scrooge: [yawns] Kindness is of little use in this world.
Ghost of Christmas Past: You didn't always think so. Come on, Scrooge, it's time to go.
Scrooge: Then go!
Scrooge: And what can I do for you two gentlemen?
Collector for the Poor #1: Sir, we are collecting funds for the indigent and destitute.
Scrooge: For the what?
Collector for the Poor #2: [tipping his hat] We're collecting for the poor.
Scrooge: Oh. Aha. Well um, you realize if you give money to the poor, they won't be poor anymore, will they?
Collector for the Poor #2: Well, I...
Scrooge: And if they're not *poor* anymore, then you won't have to raise money for them anymore.
Collector for the Poor #1: Well, I suppose...
Scrooge: And if you don't have to raise money for them anymore, then you'd be out of a job. Oh please, gentlemen, don't ask me to put you out of a job. Not on Christmas Eve.
Collector for the Poor #1: Oh, we wouldn't do that, Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge: [giving them a wreath] Well then, I suggest you give this to the poor and be gone.
[Slams door on them]
Scrooge: What's this world coming to, Cratchit? You work all your life to get money... then people want you to give it away.
Fred: Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge!
Scrooge: What's so merry about it? I'll tell you what Christmas is. It's just another work day, and any jackanape who thinks else should be boiled in his own pudding!
Cratchit: But sir, Christmas is a time for giving... a time to be with one's family.
Scrooge: I say, Bah humbug!
Fred: I don't care! I say, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!
Cratchit: [clapping] Well said, Master Fred!
Scrooge: Cratchit, what are you doing?
Cratchit: [stops clapping] I was just trying to keep my hands warm, sir.
Scrooge: Ah, I remember how much I was in love with her.
[a wind blows and the lights inside go out]
Ghost of Christmas Past: In ten years time, you learned to love something else.
Scrooge: Why, it's my counting house.
[Scrooge sees himself sitting in his chair counting money]
Scrooge: 9,671, 9,672...
Scrooge: Yes, what is it?
Belle: For years, I've had this honeymoon cottage, Ebenezer. I've been waiting for you to keep your promise to marry me. Now I must know, have you made your decision?
Scrooge: I have! Your last payment on the cottage was an hour late! I'm foreclosing the mortgage!
[Belle walks away, crying]
Ghost of Christmas Past: You loved your gold more than that precious creature, and you lost her forever.
[Belle leaves and slams the door behind her, hard enough to make the coins clatter everywhere]
Scrooge: ... 3.
Scrooge: Please, spirit, I can no longer bear these memories! Take me home!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Remember, Scrooge, you fashioned these memories yourself.
Scrooge: Tell me, spirit, what's wrong with that tiny lad?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Much, I'm afraid. If these shadows remain unchanged, I see an empty chair where Tiny Tim once sat.
Scrooge: Then that means Tim will...
Ebenezer Scrooge: Spirit, whose lonely grave - is this?
[gasps as the ghost strikes a match, illuminating the tombstone: it reads "EBENEZER SCROOGE"]
Ghost of Christmas Future: [Pulls back his hood, revealing himself to the viewers as Pete, then tossing Scrooge into the grave] Why, yours, Ebenezer! The richest man in the cemetery! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Cratchit: Tomorrow is Christmas and I was wondering if I could have... Half a day off?
Scrooge: Christmas, eh? Uh, er... I suppose so. But I'll dock you half a day's pay. Let's see, I pay you two shillings a day...
Cratchit: Two shillings and a halfpenny, Sir.
Scrooge: Oh yes, I gave you that raise three years ago.
Cratchit: Yes, sir, when I started doing your laundry.
Fred: I've come to give you a wreath and invite you to Christmas dinner.
Scrooge: Well, I suppose you're going to have plump goose with chesnut dressing?
Scrooge: And will you have plum pudding and lemon sauce?
Fred: Yeah, boy oh boy.
Scrooge: And candied fruit with spiced sugar cakes?
Fred: Yeah. Will you come?
Scrooge: Are you daft, man? You know I can't eat that stuff! Here's your wreath back. Now, out, out, OUT!
[kicks Fred out the door and slams it after him]
[Bob closes his book and starts to leave as the clock chimes 7:00. Scrooge looks at his watch]
Scrooge: Hmm... Two minutes fast.
[Bob stops then goes back to his desk]
Scrooge: Well, never mind those two minutes. You may go now.
Cratchit: Ah, oh thank you, sir! You're so kind!
Scrooge: Never mind that mushy stuff, just go! But be here all the other early the next day!
Cratchit: I will, I will, sir! And a Bah Humbug... I mean, a Merry Christmas to you, sir!
Marley: Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits.
[holds up two fingers]
Marley: Listen to 'em. Do what they say, or your chains will be heavier than mine. Farewell, Ebenezer.
[gliding through door]
Scrooge: Marley, watch out for that first...
[Marley goes crashing down the stairs]
Cratchit: Oh, that Fred. Always so full of kindness.
Scrooge: Aye. He always was a little peculiar
[door bell rings]
Scrooge: ... AND stubborn!
Ghost of Christmas Past: [as Scrooge panics while flying toward the past] What's wrong, Scrooge?
Ghost of Christmas Past: I thought you enjoyed looking down on the world!
Scrooge: Yes, Isabelle?
Belle: My eyes are closed, my lips are puckered, and I'm standing under the mistletoe.
Scrooge: You're also standing on my foot.
Scrooge: Please, let me go! Don't eat me!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Why would the Ghost of Christmas Present - that's me - want to eat a distasteful little miser like you?... Especially when there are so many good things to enjoy in life?
Scrooge: Where did all this come from?
Ghost of Christmas Present: From the heart, Scrooge. It's the food of generosity, which you have long denied your fellow man.
Scrooge: Generosity? Ha! Nobody has ever shown me generosity!
Ghost of Christmas Present: You've never given them a reason to.
[plucks off a grape then gulps it]
Ghost of Christmas Present: And yet... there are some who still find enough warmth in their hearts even for the likes of you.
Scrooge: Hmph! No acquaintence of mine, I assure you.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Duh, you'll see.
Tiny Tim: Oh my! Look at all the wonderful things to eat! We must thank Mister Scrooge.
Cratchit: Why, Mr. Scrooge, Merry Christmas.
[Scrooge barges in]
Cratchit: Won't you come in?
Scrooge: Merry Christmas? Humph! I have another bundle for you.
Cratchit: But sir, it's Christmas Day.
Scrooge: Christmas Day, indeed! Just another excuse for being lazy. And another thing, Cratchit: I've had enough of this 'half-day off' stuff! You leave me no alternative...
[changing his attitude]
Scrooge: ...but to give you...
Tiny Tim: [sees the contents of the now open bag] Toys!
Scrooge: Yes, toys. No no no no no no no!
Scrooge: I'm giving you a raise... and making you my partner.
Scrooge: What's she cooking, a canary? Surely they have more food than that. Look on the fire.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Huh, where? Oh, that's your laundry.
Scrooge: An-and that shy lad in the corner, that's me.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Yes, that was before you became a miserable miser, consumed by greed.
Scrooge: Well, nobody's perfect. And there-there's lovely Isabelle.
Scrooge: Oh, it's a wonderful day.
Scrooge: So much to do. So much to do...
Scrooge: [leaves, comes back upstairs, realizing he's only wearing his nightshirt] I can't go out like this.
Scrooge: [takes a cane] There, that's better.
Scrooge: Ah, nephew!
Fred: Uncle Scrooge!
Scrooge: I'm looking forward to that wonderful meal of yours.
Fred: Well, I'll be doggone. You mean you're coming?
Scrooge: Of course I am! You know how much I love candied fruit and sweet sugar cakes.
Scrooge: I'll be there promptly at two! Keep it piping hot!
Fred: I will, Uncle Scrooge, I will! And a very merry Christmas to you!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Don't forget the chocolate pot roast with smishmashio... With smiminish... With yogurt.
Scrooge: Spirit, I didn't want this to happen. Tell me these events can yet be changed.
Gravedigger #1: I've never seen a funeral like this one.
Gravedigger #2: Aye. No mourners, no friends to bid him farewell.
Gravedigger #1: Oh, well. Let's rest a minute before we throw 'im in, eh? He ain't going nowhere.
[both laugh as they leave]
Scrooge: Merry Christmas to one and all!
[Slides down banister]
Scrooge: Ah, bless me. Good morning, gentlemen. I've something for ya.
[Puts a bag of coins on the second collector's head]
Collector for the Poor #1: Twenty gold sovereigns! Oh, no!
Scrooge: Not enough? Here.
[Puts another bag on the collector's pants]
Scrooge: Fifty gold sovereigns!
Collector for the Poor #2: Really, Mister Scrooge. It's...
Scrooge: Still not enough! You drive a hard bargain. Here you are.
[Throws several bags at the collectors]
Scrooge: One hundred gold pieces, and not a penny more!
Collector for the Poor #1: Oh, thank you, Mr. Scrooge! Thank you! And a *merry* Christmas to you!
Cratchit: Ha-ha. That Fred, always so full of kindness.
Scrooge: Aye, he always was a little peculiar
[the doorbell rings again]
Scrooge: AND stubborn!
Scrooge: [Scrooge is being windblown into his past] AHHH!
Ghost of Christmas Past: What's the matter, Scrooge? I thought you enjoyed looking down on the world.
Scrooge: Spirit, whose lone grave is this?
[Ghost flicks a lighter revealing Scrooge's name on the tombstone, gasps, Ghost removes his hood and lights a cigar]
Ghost of Christmas Future: Why yours, Ebenezer. The richest man in the cemetery!
[laughs as he throws Scrooge in the grave]