Memorable quotes for
The Man with Two Brains (1983) More at IMDbPro »

Little Girl: Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh, it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose.
Little Girl: But I thought...
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought. Just go. Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a subdural hematoma. It's *epidural*. Ha.
Share this quote

Dolores: The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: He wrote 'In Dillman's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' O pointy birds, o pointy pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy.
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [Dr. Hfuhruhurr has driven them to his house, where Ramon and the housekeeper are on the porch, smiling happily to welcome the bride] There it is, darling. Your new home. The House of Hfuhruhurr.
Dolores: What are those assholes doing on the porch?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Those aren't assholes. It's pronounced *azaleas*.
Share this quote

[first lines]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [in surgery] Check the art line. You're hyperventilating the patient.
Anesthesiologist: No doctor.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ready the bone wax. Metzenbaum scissors.
Surgical Nurse: Metzenbaum scissors.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [meowing] Get that cat out of here.
Anesthesiologist: Yes sir.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ready to close. Remove the Wietlander Retractor.
Surgical Nurse: Pre-closure doctor.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Remove the rating clip, for God's sake!
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people.
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: What are they saying?
Dr. Conrad: They are just saying 'murmur, murmur, murmur.'
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You mean it's just sort of a general murmur?
Dr. Conrad: Yeah. Murmur.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh.
[to the crowd]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You may *murmur* all you like.
Crowd: [distinctly] Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
Share this quote

Gladstone: I wanted to inform the Doctor of her passing.
Dolores Benedict: Passing what?
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Dolores, I am making a citizen's divorce.
Dolores: [laughing] What?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: By the powers vested in me, I hereby declare our marriage null and void! E pluribus unum!
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You. You're the elevator killer. Merv Griffin.
Merv Griffin: Yeah.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Why?
Merv Griffin: I don't know. I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, *everybody* recognized me. I couldn't even lurk anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?" So I came to Europe to kill. And it's really worked out very well for me.
Share this quote

Inspector: You are playing God.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: *Somebody* has to.
Share this quote

Dolores Benedict: I get so excited when you get angry. It makes me feel so much closer to the reading of the will.
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence.
Dr. Necessiter: Nonsense. If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it.
Share this quote

Dr. Brandon: Well, Dr. Beckerman was murdered in Europe - you know that.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Exactly. Not only is he dead, he's six thousand miles away.
Share this quote

Dolores Benedict: If you lay one finger on me, I'll kill you.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.
Dolores Benedict: Nobody's going to keep me from working in this town.
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I can't.
Fran: Can't what?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I can't inject you with window cleaner.
Fran: I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: It causes your brain to die last.
Fran: I don't mind.
Share this quote

Dolores Benedict: I'll get you for this, you nigger kike wop.
Share this quote

Olsen: Doctor, were you interested in science as a child?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I don't know if I was interested so much in the science as I was in the slime that goes along with it. Snakes and frogs. When I saw how slimy the human brain was, I knew that's what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Into the mud, scum queen.
Share this quote

Dr. Necessiter's butler: Can I get you anything more, doctor? I'm about to retire.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Really? You seem so young.
Share this quote

Butler: You and your wife are expected for dinner.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: My wife won't be coming.
Butler: Oh, I trust she is not ill?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: She's not ill, she's a cheap, vulgar slut.
Butler: Ja, I have heard this.
Share this quote

Dr. Necessiter: As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I couldn't fuck a gorilla.
Share this quote

Anne Uumellmahaye: I don't think there's a girl floating in any jar anywhere who's as happy as I am. Michael, you do so much for me, and I do nothing for you.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Are you out of your head?
[He winces]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Sorry, I forgot. As far as I'm concerned, you're the most complete woman I've ever known. All my life, I wanted women with great bodies, women who were "Tens." Now, for the first time, I'm aroused by a mind.
[He gazes lovingly at the brain in the jar]
Share this quote

Olsen: [Dr. Hruhruhurr places a doll resembling Rebecca on the dash board] Is that her?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: No. That's just a statue of her.
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Would you read that back to me? I'm afraid that might make me sound pompous to your readers.
Olsen: 'My brilliant research in brain transplantation is unsurpassed, and will probably make my name live beyond eternity'.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Well, that's all right. Take out the 'probably'. It makes me sound wishy-washy.
Share this quote

[Sees all the brains in Dr Necessiter's lab]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I've never seen so many brains out of their heads before! I feel like a kid in a candy store.
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Damn your drunk tests are hard.
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [Dr. Hfuhruhurr is puffing a cigarette in bed after what was presumably great foreplay] Never in my wildest imagination, I *ever* thought it could be like that. That was the most exciting sexual encounter - without actually having it - that I ever, almost had.
Share this quote

Dr. Necessiter: Dr. Huffer?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: It's pronounced "Hfuhruhurr".
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: She just doesn't have any... "VA-VOOOOOM"!
Share this quote

Dolores: Ouch! My balls!
Share this quote

Dolores: I can't wait till next Thursday.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Today is Monday.
Dolores: I know, but my headache should be gone by then.
Share this quote

Anne Uumellmahaye: [counting in a neurological test after Delores placed the brain in an oven to boil] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ten.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You. You cooked her nines! Out! Out of my house! Out of my life!
Share this quote

Olsen: I appreciate you letting me observe that brain operation today.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: It would have been more complicated if it had needed one but since you wanted to observe my technique...
Share this quote

Dr. Necessiter: Well, the operations seems to be a success. But the doctor died.
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Little girl.
Little Girl: Yes sir.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I want you to do something very important, alright?
Little Girl: OK.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I want you to run home and I want you to call the E.R. of North Bank General Hospital, 932-1000. Tell them to set up OR6 immediately and contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Have him send an ambulance with a paramedic crew, light IV, D5NW-KVO. You got it?
Little Girl: E.R. North Bank General Hospital 932-1000. Setup OR6. Contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Ambulance with paramedics and light IV, D5NW and KVO.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: That's good.
Little Girl: Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose!
Little Girl: But I thought...
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought... just go! Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well you're still wet behind the ears. It's not subdural hematoma, it's epidural! Ha! God damn that makes me mad!
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [to the nurse while operating Dolores, whose perfect breast is showing] Cover her breasts. I'm a man, flesh and blood.
Share this quote

[the scientists pull up in a car in front of a modern condominium building]
Dr. Necessiter: What's the matter?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh, you have to forgive me. It's just that, being here in Austria, meeting a scientist with your interests, I half expected your laboratory to be in a castle, not a condo.
Dr. Necessiter: [Dr. Necessiter opens his room with his key and swings the door wide open] You mean like this?
[His place is decorated with rough rock walls and flagstone floors, candles and candelabras, an interior drawbridge, wing chairs, hanging banners, and the like]
Share this quote

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [Amazed on seeing the castle-like interior of Dr. Necessiter's condo] Leapin' lizards!
Dr. Necessiter: Yes, we have those.
[On the left wall, two iguanas are hanging out, and two smaller green lizards leap from off camera to join them]
Share this quote

Dolores: I know there's something weird going on with you and that brain!
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [defensively] It's not weird!
Share this quote