Little Girl:
Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Oh, it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose.
Little Girl:
But I thought...
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You thought, you thought. Just go. Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a subdural hematoma. It's *epidural*. Ha.
Dolores:
The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
He wrote 'In Dillman's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' O pointy birds, o pointy pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy.
Dolores:
What are those assholes doing on the porch?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Those aren't assholes. It's pronounced *azaleas*.
[
During surgery]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Get that cat outta here.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
What are they saying?
Dr. Conrad:
They are just saying 'murmur, murmur, murmur.'
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You mean it's just sort of a general murmur?
Dr. Conrad:
Yeah. Murmur.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Oh.
[
to the crowd]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You may *murmur* all you like.
Crowd:
[
distinctly] Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
Gladstone:
I wanted to inform the Doctor of her passing.
Dolores Benedict:
Passing what?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I am making a citizens divorce. By the powers vested in me, I hereby declare our marriage null and void! Ipso facto, coitus interuptus!
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You. You're the elevator killer. Merv Griffin.
Merv Griffin:
Yeah.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Why?
Merv Griffin:
I don't know. I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, *everybody* recognized me. I couldn't even lurk anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?" So I came to Europe to kill. And it's really worked out very well for me.
Inspector:
You are playing God.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
*Somebody* has to.
Dolores Benedict:
I get so excited when you get angry. It makes me feel so much closer to the reading of the will.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence.
Dr. Necessiter:
Nonsense. If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it.
Dr. Brandon:
Well, Dr. Beckerman was murdered in Europe - you know that.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Exactly. Not only is he dead, he's six thousand miles away.
Dolores Benedict:
If you lay one finger on me, I'll kill you.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.
Dolores Benedict:
Nobody's going to keep me from working in this town.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I can't.
Fran:
Can't what?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I can't inject you with window cleaner.
Fran:
I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
It causes your brain to die last.
Fran:
I don't mind.
Dolores Benedict:
I'll get you for this, you nigger kike wop.
Olsen:
Were you interested in science as a child?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I don't know if I was interested so much in the science as I was in the slime that goes along with it. Snakes and frogs. When I saw how slimy the human brain was, I knew that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Into the mud, scum queen.
Dr. Necessiter's butler:
Can I get you anything more, doctor? I'm about to retire.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Really? You seem so young.
Butler:
You and your wife are expected for dinner.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
My wife won't be coming.
Butler:
Oh, I trust she is not ill?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
She's not ill, she's a cheap, vulgar slut.
Butler:
Ja, I have heard this.
Dr. Necessiter:
As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I couldn't fuck a gorilla.
Anne Uumellmahaye:
I don't think there's a girl floating in a jar anywhere who's as happy as I am.
Olsen:
Is that her?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
No, its just a statue of her.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Would you read that last bit back to me? I'm afraid it might make me sound pompous to your readers.
Olsen:
'My brilliant research in brain transplantation is unsurpassed, and will probably make my name live beyond eternity'.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Oh, no, no; that's good. But take out the 'probably'. It makes me sound wishy-washy.
[
Sees all the brains in Dr Necessiter's lab]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
So many brains. I feel like a kid in a candy store.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Damn your drunk tests are hard.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I never thought it could be like that.That was the most exciting sexual encounter - without actually having it - that I ever, almost had.
Dr. Necessiter:
Dr. Huffer?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
It's pronounced "Hfuhruhurr".
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
She just doesn't have any... ”VA-VOOOOOM"!
Dolores:
Ouch! My balls!
Dolores:
I can't wait till next Thursday.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Today is Monday.
Dolores:
I know, but my headache should be gone by then.
Anne Uumellmahaye:
[
counting in a neurological test after being placed in an oven] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ten.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
My god, you've cooked her nines!
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