Buddy Kupfer: [the Kupfers have been locked in a room called TEST ROOM A] Relax a minute, will you? Mr. Cochran will be here and everything will be fine. He just wants my opinion about some television commercials or something. You know, I still don't understand why they won't take my orders for next year. You know how I like to work ahead and well they're just not interested at all.
Betty Kupfer: Maybe they're not going to have Halloween next year.
Buddy Kupfer: [sarcastically] Ha ha ha!
Conal Cochran: Enjoy the horror-thon, Doctor, and don't forget to watch the big giveaway afterwards.
Daniel Challis: Why, Cochran, why?
Conal Cochran: Do I need a reason? Mr. Kupfer was right, you know. I do love a good joke, and this is the best ever: a joke on the children. But there's a better reason. You don't really know much about Halloween. You thought no further than the strange custom of having your children wear masks and go out begging for candy.
Conal Cochran: It was the start of the year in our old Celtic lands, and we'd be waiting in our houses of wattles and clay. The barriers would be down, you see, between the real and the unreal, and the dead might be looking in to sit by our fires of turf.
Conal Cochran: Halloween... the festival of Samhain! The last great one took place three thousand years ago, when the hills ran red with the blood of animals and children.
Daniel Challis: Sacrifices.
Conal Cochran: It was part of our world... our craft.
Daniel Challis: Witchcraft.
Conal Cochran: To us, it was a way of controlling our environment. It's not so different now... it's time again. In the end, we don't decide these things, you know; the planets do. They're in alignment, and it's time again. The world's going to change tonight, Doctor, I'm glad you'll be able to watch it. And... Happy Halloween.
Commercial Announcer: It's almost time, kids. The clock is ticking. Be in front of your TV sets for the Horrorthon, followed by the Big Giveaway. Don't miss it. And don't forget to wear your masks. The clock is ticking. It's almost time.
Daniel Challis: Maybe I ought to get another room.
Ellie Grimbridge: That would look sort of suspicious, wouldn't it?
Daniel Challis: What I mean is, if it'd make you more comfortable, I can sleep in the car... be a lot better than this floor, anyway.
Ellie Grimbridge: Where do you want to sleep, Dr. Challis?
Daniel Challis: [staring at her] That's a dumb question, Miss Grimbridge.
Conal Cochran: I do love a good joke and this is the best ever: a joke on the children.
Daniel Challis: [last lines; on the phone with the TV network; the Silver Shamrock commercial begins] If it goes on, it means the death of millions of people, everyone watching, don't you understand that? Well... well say it's a bomb then, say whatever you want, just get it off the air! Please, you jus... No, no I can't prove it, you gotta believe me! Believe me! Take it off the air now, please! You've got to, it...
Announcer: [the commercial is interrupted] Please excuse the interruption, we're having technical problems. Please stand by.
[kid changes channel. The commercial is interrupted]
Announcer: We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.
[kid changes channel again, the commercial plays and shows no signs of stopping]
Daniel Challis: The third channel, it's still on. Please, take off the third channel. The third channel, it's still running. Stop it, please, for God's sake, please stop it. There's no more time! Please stop it. Stop it now. Turn it off! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!
Commercial voices: [singing to the tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down"] Eight more days 'til Halloween/ Halloween/ Halloween/ Eight more days 'til Halloween/ Silver Shamrock. Eight more days 'til Halloween/ Halloween/ Halloween/ Eight more days 'til Halloween/ Silver Shamrock.
Commercial Announcer: Yes kids, you too can own one of the big Halloween three. That's right, THREE horrific masks to chose from. They're fun, they're frightening, and they GLOW in the dark.
Daniel Challis: It's getting late. I could use a drink.
Curfew Announcer: It's six o'clock. It's six o'clock... Curfew. Curfew... All residents of Santa Mira please clear the streets. Curfew is now in effect. Please confine your activites to your own home... Thank you... Have a plesant evening.
Conal Cochran: From an ancient, sacrificial circle... Stonehenge.
[Shows Chaliss the rock]
Conal Cochran: Ha ha. We had a TIME getting it here. You wouldn't believe how we did it.
[laughs; Shows him a small stone from Stonehenge]
Conal Cochran: It has a power in it.
Conal Cochran: It will be morning soon. Halloween morning. A very busy day for me.
Daniel Challis: [walking through an alley, he bumps into Starker] Whoa, Jesus!
Starker: Mister-Mister, didn't mean to scare you. I saw that bottle, I thought it looked pretty heavy. I ain't got no diseases, you mind if I have a drink?
[Dan hands him the bottle; Starker takes a huge swig]
Starker: Mmm, aw damn. Thank you.
Daniel Challis: Teddy, do me another favor, will you? Find out everything you can about Conal Cochran. He runs Silver Shamrock, the Halloween mask people.
Teddy: Conal Cochran. Okay, but this is gonna cost you some serious dinners when you get back.
Daniel Challis: I'm always ready for dinner with you.
Teddy: Liar. Bye.
Buddy Kupfer: Hey Mr. Cochran, just what is the final processing?
Conal Cochran: Oh I assure you it's just a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Quality inspection, the seal of approval. You know, the usual. And of course, there's a lot of trade secrets.
Buddy Kupfer: Oh I'd sure like to take a look.
Conal Cochran: Aw sorry.
Daniel Challis: Not even a peek for your best salesman?
Buddy Kupfer: Just one little look?
Conal Cochran: Well you see, part of the final processing involves volatile chemicals. They're very dangerous. I wouldn't want to put anybody in any danger.
Buddy Kupfer: Oh sure, I understand.
Conal Cochran: [turns to see Dan] Aw, Mr. Chaliss.
Daniel Challis: Where's Ellie?
Conal Cochran: Mrs. "Smith"? I'm sure she's resting just now.
[Looks at his watch]
Conal Cochran: Didn't take you long to get here, Mr. Chaliss. DOCTOR Chaliss, I should say.
[about Grimbridge's attacker]
Daniel Challis: I've seen lots of people on drugs. The man was in complete control. He looked like a businessman!
Teddy: Well, he had to be one strong businessman, I can tell you that. You don't just pull someone's skull apart without a little lower-arm strength, know what I mean?
Daniel Challis: I don't believe this commercial! It never stops!
Ellie Grimbridge: [During sex, upon hearing Marge Guttman die] What was that?
Daniel Challis: Who cares?
Daniel Challis: This place is a zoo.
Ellie Grimbridge: I saw Cochrane, his car anyway.
Daniel Challis: And your old man stayed here on the 20th.
Ellie Grimbridge: I was right. We'll go down to the factory, we'll find out exactly...
Daniel Challis: Whoa, slow down! It's getting late. I could use a drink! Let's take our time.
Daniel Challis: [runs up to Walter, frantic and out of breath] Your phone, your phone! Where is it? Life and death!
Walter Jones: Hey, don't I know you?
Teddy: I'll see what I can do. No promises. I was always good at moonlighting, wasn't I?
Daniel Challis: Oh, the best. Hey do you still have that...?
Teddy: [laughs] Yes.
Harry Grimbridge: They're going to kill us. All of us! All of us!
Daniel Challis: I saw something that night... I don't know, your father came into the hospital. He- I thought he was crazy, out of his mind. He's hanging onto a Halloween mask, he wouldn't let it go... And what he said was, "They're gonna kill us all". And in a little while he was dead. And I don't know what the hell is going on!
Conal Cochran: [upon entering Cochran's underground laboratory] Those who went before me, you know they-they never dreamed of anything like this.
Daniel Challis: What is this place?
Conal Cochran: Can't you tell? A vast... Ancient techology. Ha ha ha, a good magician never explains. Come on, then, you've still got time to figure it out all by yourself.
Marge Guttman: Damn factory! Got their orders all SCREWED up, and now I have to stay in this dump again!
Starker: [about Cochran] He's probably listening. And if he is, I got one thing to say: it's the last Halloween for that lousy factory of his. Some pretty wild shit going on in there. I heard rumors.
Daniel Challis: Like what? What did you hear?
Starker: This year I'm gonna get me a case and a half of molitov cocktails and burn that son of a bitch right down!
Starker: Last Halloween for him. Last Halloween...
Daniel Challis: [during sex] Aren't you just the least bit tired?
Ellie Grimbridge: No.
Daniel Challis: Wait - Wait a minute.
Daniel Challis: How old are you?
Ellie Grimbridge: Relax. I'm older than I look.
Commercial Announcer: It's time. It's time. Time for the big giveaway. Halloween has come. All you lucky kids with Silver Shamrock masks, gather 'round your TV set, put on your masks and watch. All witches, all skeletons, all Jack-O-Lanterns, gather 'round and watch. Watch the magic pumpkin. Watch...
Conal Cochran: [a bunch of androids have just barred Ellie from seeing inside of a storage shed; to Buddy Kupfer] Trade secrets.
Conal Cochran: Clumsy.
[looks at the head from his grandmother robot]
Conal Cochran: This was a rare piece. German. Made in Munich, 1785. I must try and get a replacement.
Commercial voices: [repeated line; singing] Two more days 'til Halloween/ Halloween/ Halloween/ Two more days 'til Halloween/ Silver Shamrock.
Commercial voices: [singing] One more day 'til Halloween/ Halloween/ Halloween/ One more day 'til Halloween/ Silver Shamrock.
[Rafferty lifts up Ellie's overnight bag]
Rafferty: Light packers, aren't you?
Ellie Grimbridge: We've had a lot of practice.
Walter Jones: He just walked up out of the rain! I swear to God that's all there was to it! I just brought him here.
[as the Silver Shamrock commercial plays on TV]
Daniel Challis: Come on, come on, come on!
Charlie: [Changing the channel] What's the matter? Don't you have any Halloween spirit?
Daniel Challis: No!
Conal Cochran: [Shows Dan a body beneath a sheet] Your friend Ms Guttman...
Daniel Challis: You killed her!
Conal Cochran: Oh no, no, no! Ms Guttman was the victim of a misfire. The others...
[Checks his watch]
Conal Cochran: You know what you really need to see is a demonstration and there's one coming right up.
Conal Cochran: It's time again. In the end, we don't decide these things you know, the planets do. They're in alignment and it's time again. The world's going to change tonight, Doctor. I'm glad you'll be able to watch it.
Conal Cochran: The surprising thing is that the internal components were quite simple to produce. The outer features took much longer to perfect but of course in the end it's just another form of mask making.
Conal Cochran: Bless you. Convincing, aren't they? Loyal, obedient. Unlike most human beings.
Walter Jones: I was always taught that when someone needs help, you help them. Unless there's trouble. There isn't going to be any trouble is there?
Buddy Kupfer: Conal Cochran, the all time genius in the practical jokes. He invented sticky toilet paper.
Daniel Challis: Ah!
Buddy Kupfer: Oh you must know. The dead dwarf gag, the soft chainsaw, all his.
Daniel Challis: So, how have you been?
[pager goes off]
Daniel Challis: I gotta take this.
Linda Challis: Drinking and doctoring. Great combination.
Linda Challis: Children, we leave our food AT the table.
Daniel Challis: I'm sorry, it's bad timing.
Linda Challis: I'm used to it. Remember?
Betty Kupfer: [about Mr. Cochran] Do you know he's one of the richest men in the country? And he got that way selling cheap gags and Halloween masks. Oh God, there's hope for us yet.
Daniel Challis: How you been?
Teddy: Okay. You?
Daniel Challis: Okay.
Teddy: Sierra Mesa still making you drink your ass off?
Daniel Challis: Oh yeah!