Eddie Murphy:
My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"
Eddie Murphy:
Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.
Eddie Murphy:
Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Eddie Murphy:
I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!
Eddie Murphy:
Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherfuckers LIKED that shit. "I whish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell ME to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would've come up and say, "Ay, yo, nigger, bale this cotton!" I would say, "Suck my DICK, massa!""
Eddie Murphy:
Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"
Eddie Murphy:
[
about slavery] The first nigger who tried that shit... Somebody said, "Nigger, bale this cotton" and he said "Fuck you, Massa"...
[
sound of a whip]
Eddie Murphy:
The other motherfuckers said, "All right, we'll bale the shit, all right. Just keep that fucking shit away from me."
Eddie Murphy:
I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood, and find out Mr. T is a faggot. Really. And he'd be walking up to people going:
[
Mr. T voice]
Eddie Murphy:
Hey boy, hey boy! Ya look mighty cute in them jeans. Now come on over here... and fuck me up the ass! C'mon. I'm gonna bend over now. Grrr! Aaahh! Hey, boy, slow down, you're gonna mess around and come too fast. You'll make me get mad and I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off!
Eddie Murphy:
[
Eddie takes the plane south, looking for racism] ... he said "Is this your bag?" I said "Yeah, that's my fucking bag! Why, motherfucker? A black man can't have a suitcase?"
Eddie Murphy:
Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe...
Eddie Murphy:
I'm winded, I'm out of breath... I'm sweatin' and shit.
Female Crowd Member:
You take it off!
Male Crowd Member:
SHUT UP, BITCH!
[
Eddie and crowd bursts into huge laughter/applause]
Eddie Murphy:
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too!
Eddie Murphy:
[
as his drunk father] Your wife's a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she? That's why the bitch's moustache is so motherfuckin' thick... 'cause you shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak. I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one! Don't bring a Bigfoot into my home, Gus! With my children? The bitch can't talk! She can't walk a flight of steps! She's not trained well, Gus! She can *not* walk steps! I'll bet she climbs the fuck outta trees, though, don't she, Gus? Doesn't she? DOESN'T SHE? But you got to not bring her around here - fuck her! And your motherfuckin' children? They're Bigfeet, too. They're half-Bigfoot, Gus, 'cause the motherfuckers is 6 years old and have Afros 17 inches long. They're little hairy motherfuckers, just like their mother. Look at the motherfuckers! You know how I found out they was Bigfoot - when I realized your wife was a Bigfoot when I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherfuckers in the boat, Gus, and I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and they put their poles down in the motherfuckin' boat, and slammed their faces in the water for 2 minutes! And I think, "What the fuck are these kids doin'?" Then they start moving their heads like this
[
quickly shakes head back and forth]
Eddie Murphy:
and the motherfuckers come up with fish! I jumped back and said, "Can you believe this motherfuckin' shit?" Then the kid took the fish out his mouth and looked at his brother and said, "Goonie-Goo-Goo." What the fuck is going on here? Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus. But I'm gonna tell you something, motherfucker. You can take your motherfuckin' hairy fat-ass wife moustache bitch out the fuck, you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit and take Eddie and get these mothafuckin' long Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherfuckin' kids of yours and put them in the motherfucking "Goonie-Goo-Goo"-mobile and get the fuck out! And if my wife don't like that, she can get the fuck out, too!
[
Eddie mimes his shoe-throwing noise]
Eddie Murphy:
You missed me, bitch!
Eddie Murphy:
There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.
Eddie Murphy:
Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he's seen us and shit, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say:
Eddie Murphy:
[
imitating the ice cream man] Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run.
Eddie Murphy:
[
as his drunk father] You told me you met your wife on a motherfuckin' camping trip and that she was Puerto Rican. Your wife ain't no motherfuckin' Puerto Rican. I thought she was when I first met, because I walk up and say 'hello, good to meet you, my name is Vernon' and she say 'Hi, I'm Bunny, goonie goo goo'. What the fuck does goonie goo goo mean, Gus? I still don't know what that shit means to this day. I though I'd learned some new Spanish shit! I walk up to my friend and say 'Hey, Sanchez, goonie goo goo!' and Sanchez say 'Get the fuck out of here!'
Eddie Murphy:
[
as drunk father] Why can't she walk a step? You know why she can't a step? Because she's a fat, hairy bitch.
Related Links
*
