Quotes

Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.

Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?

Mother: Everybody knows that!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, after BB gun shot bounces off target and hits his face] Oh my god, I shot my eye out!

Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!

Mrs. Parker: No, you'll shoot your eye out.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.

Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?

Ralphie: Uh, um...

Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

[after cracking a secret code]

Ralphie: [Reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.

Mr. Parker: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!

Mother: Little pitchers!

Mr. Parker: Thanks... hold it!

[the furnace conks out]

Mr. Parker: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!

[he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]

Mr. Parker: Damn skates!

[coughing]

Mr. Parker: Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.

Ralphie: Schwartz!

[Mr. Parker reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]

Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.

Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear.

Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand...

Ralphie: YECCHH!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Getting ready to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving.

[overdressed for winter]

Randy: I can't put my arms down!

Mother: Well... put your arms down when you get to school.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Grover Dill! Farkus's crummy little toadie. Mean! Rotten! His lips curled over his green teeth.

Ralphie: Scut Farkus!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!

[in a Chinese restaurant]

Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: [singing] Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.

Chop Suey Palace Owner: No, no, not 'ra ra ra ra', 'la la la la'! Try again.

Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.

Chop Suey Palace Owner: No, no! Sing something else.

Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Jingre bers, jingre bers, jingre arr the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way back to Terre Haute. And I was at the end of it.

Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.

Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?

Schwartz: He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off.

Randy: [is trying to catch up] C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop!

Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.

The Old Man: All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screw driver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...

The Old Man: Naddafinga!

Mr. Parker: So what else happened today?

Mother: Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight?

Mr. Parker: A fight? What kind of a fight?

[Looks at Ralphie]

Mother: Oh, you know how boys are. I gave him a talking to...

[Looks at the news paper]

Mother: Uh I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.

Mr. Parker: What? Oh yeah! Zudock's got tickets I wish I had. Aw well, let him freeze his keister off out there.

Ralphie: Mom, this is just the same dumb old parade as last year.

Mother: Ralphie, will you please calm down?

Ralphie: Mom!

Mother: Hush!

Mr. Parker: SHUT UP, Ralphie!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Strange. Even something as momentous as the Scut Farkus affair, which it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled to come up with a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web, in which my mother had me trapped.

Ralphie: Santa. Yeah, I'll ask Santa.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Of course. Santa. The big man. The head honcho. The connection. Ha, my mother had slipped up this time.

Mom: [Playing Santa] And this is for daddy...

[Picks up a gift-wrapped bowling ball and drops it in The Old Man's Lap]

Mom: Here, from me to you.

The Old Man: [high-pitched] Thanks a lot!

Mr. Parker: [Reading Telegram and doing a little jig] Tonight! Tonight! It's coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!

Mrs. Parker: Randy, will you eat? There are starving people in China!

Randy: [groans and shoves spoon into his mouth]

Mr. Parker: Dadgummit! Blow out!

[on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire]

Mr. Parker: Ah ha!

[excitedly gets out of the car]

Mother: Not again.

Mr. Parker: Four minutes. Time me.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.

Mr. Parker: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.

Mother: Jealous of a plastic...

Mr. Parker: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.

Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now it was out.

Mr. Parker: [to Mother] You know, Zudock just bought one of those brand new green, plastic trees.

Tree Man: Oh no!

Mr. Parker: Darn thing looked like it was made of green pipe cleaners. Hee hee hee hee.

Mother: It's a very nice tree.

Tree Man: [quickly] I'll thrown in some rope and tie it to your car for you.

Mr. Parker: You got a deal.

Tree Man: Deal.

Ralphie: Hey Dad! I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas.

The Old Man: A new furnace.

Ralphie: Ha ha! That's a good one, Dad!

[Randy laughs]

Mr. Parker: [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?

Mother: What is it?

Mr. Parker: It's a leg!

Mother: But what is it?

Mr. Parker: Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.

Mother: Statue?

Mr. Parker: Yeah, statue.

Ralphie: Yeah, statue.

Mother: Ralphie!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.

Miss Shields: [reading Ralphie's theme in his fantasy, she clutches his essay to her chest] Oh! The theme I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence: "A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time". Poetry. Sheer poetry, Ralph! An A+!

[last lines]

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] There has never been a kid who didn't believe vaguely but insistently that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21, and then they'd be sorry.

Ralphie as Adult: C+? Oh no, it CAN'T be!

Ralphie: C+?

Miss Shields: [in Ralphie's fantasy, dressed as the Wicked Witch] C+! C+! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ralphie as Adult: [regarding the note on his report] Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out!"?

Ralphie: Oh, no!

Ralphie as Adult: My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!

Miss Shields, Mother: [in Ralphie's fantasy, Miss Shields is dressed as the Wicked Witch and Ralphie's mother as a jester, both chanting] "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ralphie as Adult: Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?

Mother: Ralphie, you're lucky it didn't cut your eye! Those icicles have been known to kill people.

Ralphie as Adult: I slowly began to realize that i was not going to be destroyed.

Ralphie as Adult: Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen where only you and you alone stand between your tiny, huddled family and insensate evil.

Mother: Randy, how do the little piggies go?

Randy: [oinks like a pig]

Mother: That's right. Oink, oink! Now show me how the piggies eat.

[points to his plate]

Mother: This is your trough. Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy. Show mommy how the piggies eat.

Randy: [plunges face into mashed potatoes, oinks, eats, and laughs]

Mother: [laughs] Mommy's little piggie!

Ralphie: Hey Dad! I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas!

The Old Man: [staring blissfully into space] A new furnace?

Ralphie: [chuckling] He he, that's a good one Dad!

Randy: [lauging] He he he!

Ralphie as Adult: My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.

Narrator: Downtown Hammond was preparing for this yearly baccanalia of peace on Earth and goodwill to men.

Ralphie as Adult: Round One was over. heh heh. Parents one, kids, zip. I can feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next, was inevitable.

Mother: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?

Ralphie as Adult: Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out!

Ralphie as Adult: I want a Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle. Oooooooh!

Mother: No, you'll shoot your eye out.

Ralphie as Adult: Oh no! It was a classic, mother BB-gun block. "You'll shoot your eye out!" That deadly phrase honored many times by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to Kid-dom, but such as my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike.

[Furnace makes creaking noise]

Mr. Parker: Hold it! Shhh...

[Furnace makes loud banging noises]

Mr. Parker: Aha! Aha! It's a clinkerrrr! That blasted, stupid furnace! Dadgummit!

[Mr. Parker falls down the stairs]

Mr. Parker: Damn skates!

[coughing]

Mr. Parker: Oh for cripe's sake, open up that damper, will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? Hawk head! Aw, blasted poop flirt rattle crap camel flirt. You blonker frattle feet sturckle frat! Of a womp sack butt ratter bottom fodder...

Ralphie as Adult: In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

Mr. Parker: ...smick melly whop walker. Drop dumb fratten house stickle fifer!