Karen: [smoking a joint, passes it to Harold] No... I know that Richard will always be faithful to me.
Harold: [takes the joint, about to smoke it] That's nice. You trust.
Karen: [shaking her head] Fear of herpes.
[Harold stops short of putting the joint in his mouth]
Meg: The last time I spoke with Alex, we had a fight. I yelled at him.
Nick: That's probably why he killed himself... What was the argument about?
Meg: I told him he was wasting his life.
Sam Weber: Do you think we're all trying trying to avoid dealing with Alex? You know, every time it comes up somebody changes the subject.
Nick: Hey, it's a dead subject.
Sam Weber: So how's your life?
Karen: Oh, great. How's yours?
Sam Weber: Not so great.
Karen: Ohhh, we're telling the truth.
Meg: I've been taking my temperature and I know I'm ovulating right now. The ground is ready, I just need someone to plant the seed.
Sarah: Yeah, but who's going to be the lucky farmer?
[about getting pregnant]
Sarah: It doesn't always happen the first time.
Meg: That's not what they told us in high school.
Michael: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.
Sam Weber: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex.
Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?
Meg: They're either married or gay. And if they're not gay, they've just broken up with the most wonderful woman in the world, or they've just broken up with a bitch who looks exactly like me. They're in transition from a monogamous relationship and they need more space. Or they're tired of space, but they just can't commit. Or they want to commit, but they're afraid to get close. They want to get close, you don't want to get near them.
Nick: Wise up, folks. We're all alone out there and tomorrow we're going out there again.
Karen: You'll never get this many people to come to my funeral.
Michael: Ohh, Karen, I'll come. And, you know... I'll bring a date.
Sam Weber: You know, Karen, if we had gotten married, we'd be going shopping like this.
Karen: No, if we had gotten married I'd be doing this alone.
[At Alex's wake]
Michael: Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't come.
Meg: It's a cold world out there. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting a little frosty myself.
Michael: [Michael enters the kitchen, sees Sarah standing in front of the open refrigerator] You know, that's the problem with these things. You have to watch them every minute.
[Takes a small carton of milk from the refrigerator]
Michael: Oh, hey, did I miss Karen and Richard?
Sarah: No, just Richard; Karen's staying for the weekend.
Michael: But not Richard?
Sarah: Went back to be with the kids.
Michael: Oohhhh, interesting. What did Richard have to say about that?
Sarah: Michael, if you're going to sleep this late, you're going to miss a few minidramas.
Michael: I just hope you'll wake me for anything really ugly.
Richard: [Richard is having a late-night snack while talking to Sam and Nick] There's some asshole at work you have to kowtow to, and you find yourself doing things you thought you'd never do. But you try and minimize that stuff; be the best person you can be. But you set your priorities. And that's the way life is. I wonder if your friend Alex knew that. One thing's for sure, he couldn't live with it. I know I shouldn't talk; you guys knew him. But the thing is... no one ever said it would be fun. At least... no one ever said it to me.
Michael: Everyone does everything just to get laid.
Karen: Who said that? Freud?
Michael: No, I did.
Karen: So, you and Alex were living here?
Chloe: We have a room downstairs. Well we did. I do. I'm the one who found him.
Karen: Oh God. It must have been awful.
Chloe: It was, it was a real mess.
Karen: So, what are you gonna do now?
Chloe: Oh, we cleaned it up.
Chloe: Alex and I made love the night before he died. It was fantastic.
Nick: He went out with a bang, not a whimper.
Sam Weber: Hey, Nick? You know, we go back a long way, and I'm not gonna piss that away 'cause you're higher than a kite.
Nick: Wrong, a long time ago we knew each other for a short period of time; you don't know anything about me. It was easy back then. No one had a cushier berth than we did. It's not surprising our friendship could survive that. It's only out there in the real world that it gets tough.
Sam Weber: [Sam enters a room where Nick is up late watching TV] What's this?
Nick: I'm not sure.
Sam Weber: What's it about?
Nick: I don't know.
Sam Weber: [Sam shakes his head, pats Nick on the shoulder, then sits in a nearby chair] Who's that?
Nick: I think the guy in the hat did something terrible.
[shot of TV shows a man being thrown through the glass window of a door; all the people on the TV screen are wearing hats]
Sam Weber: Like what?
Nick: You're so analytical! Sometimes you just have to let art... flow... over you.
[Sam rolls his eyes]
Autograph Seeker: Are you J. T. Lancer?
Sam Weber: No, that's just a character I play. I'm Sam Weber.
Autograph Seeker: Well, can I have your autograph, whoever you are?
Sam Weber: Don't you think we ought to be thinking about Alex?
Autograph Seeker: I'll give you a buck.
Sam Weber: Okay, you're on.
Sam Weber: I'm hungry. I had this really dirty dream.
Nick: Was it about Karen?
Sam Weber: Why do you say that?
Nick: Why should anything have changed?
Sam Weber: You're the one she always wanted.
Nick: In the old days, I wasn't emotionally equipped to satisfy her. Now, as we all know, the equipment doesn't work at all.
Sam Weber: [wincing] Why do we have to talk about that?
Harold: I always thought masturbation was the ultimate act of self-absorption.
Sam Weber: Do you jerk off?
Harold: Does a bear have fleas?
Sam Weber: No, no, "Does a bear shit in the woods?"
Harold: Does a bear jerk off?
Nick: You know, I shit in the woods, but I can't jerk off.
Nick: Since when did you get so friendly with cops? Harold?
Harold: You know you're fuckin' stupid? Stupid, yeah. First off, that cop has twice kept this house from being ripped off. Happens to be a hell of a guy. And you...
Nick: Come on, Harold. What is it?
Harold: What is it with you? Is jail another "experience" you want to "try?" See what that's "like?" You know, I live here. This place means something to me. I'm dug in. I don't need this shit.
Karen: I know this is hard but it's all beautiful.
Sarah: Yeah we put on a great funeral here.
Michael: [sarcastically] Yeah, maybe I'll have mine here.
Sarah: We give first priority to people who kill themselves in one of our bathrooms.
[the three stop smiling]
Sarah: That was a terrible thing to say... I don't know why I said that.
Sam Weber: In Hollywood, I don't know who to trust. I don't know who likes me or why they even do like me.
Harold Cooper: Well you don't have that problem here.
Harold Cooper: You know I don't like you.
Michael: Me neither.
[Gets up and leaves the room]
Harold Cooper: So relax.
Sam Weber: [Rolls over on the floor, on his back, and pulls off one of his boots] Assholes.
Nick: [in a high-pitched voice] Hey. everyone, it's J.T. Lancer! Let's all go watch this incredible show!
Sarah: Woo hoo!
[everyone runs into the living room]
Karen: Come on, Sam.
Sam Weber: [lagging behind] Jesus!
Michael: Eventually he was hospitalized for being such a nerd.
Michael: [explaining to his editor at People Magazine why he's delaying his interview with a 14-year-old blind baton twirler] That's why I'm calling, Jim. That way, I can have a story for you this week and for next week, and... Jim, Jim, give me a break. I'll fly to Dallas on Monday. She won't regain her eyesight over the weekend. I know, but I think I've got something good right here. I don't know, it's about everything: Um... suicide, despair, where did our hope go? Lost hope, that's it, lost hope. Yeah, well, you think everything is boring. I mean, you know, you wouldn't say that if it was the Lost Hope Diet.
Sarah: I know he wasn't happy. That doesn't tell you much. I'd no idea how bad it was. I think he purposely wanted to cut off from all of us because he was so unhappy with where he was at.
Karen: Is that true, Chloe? Did you feel that?
Chloe: I don't know. We had some good times. I haven't met that many happy people in my life, how do they act?
Nick: Mm hm.
Meg: [sitting in Nick's lap] I didnt' get a chance to talk to you before; you got me stoned too quick. But I'm OK now. I'm just drunk and therefore brave.
Nick: I've always been a cowardly drunk myself.
Michael: [entering kitchen on the group's final morning together] Sooo how'd everyone sleep last night? DID anyone sleep last night?
Minister: And now, Karen Bowers, an old college friend of Alex', will play one of Alex' favourite songs.
[Karen starts playing "You can't always get what you want", and the others slowly start to smile]
Sam Weber: You alright?
Chloe: Yeah. I'm a little disappointed though, I wanted to ride up there. I always wanted to ride in a limo.
[Michael and Sam exchange a look]
Michael: I do half my work in limos.
Chloe: Are you a chauffeur?
Michael: No I'm a journalist.
[Sam starts to laugh]
Michael: I write for People Magazine.
[Looks at Sam]
Michael: I can't believe you're still mad about that thing.
Sam Weber: Michael this isn't the time. Let's just drop it.
Michael: I will if you will. You know at this day most of all we should remember we're friends.
Sam Weber: Alright, alright.
Chloe: And you're an actor?
Sam Weber: Mm-hm.
[Michael starts to laugh]
Michael: Harold, don't you have any other music , you know, from this century?
Harold: There is no other music, not in my house.
Michael: There's been a lot of terrific music in the last ten years.
Harold: Like what?
Harold: Nick, help me with all these bleeding hearts!
Nick: I know what Alex would say.
Nick: What's for dessert?
Richard: [talking to Karen about her former friends] I can't believe these are the same people you've been talking about all these years.
Michael: That's the great thing about the outdoors, it's one giant toilet.
Sam Weber: Nothing's more important than sex!
Michael: Oh yeah, have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?
Harold: [preparing to order shoes for everyone] Feet grow as you get older.
Michael: I wish everything did.
Michael: You see, Sarah, Harold, we took a secret vote. We're not leaving. We're never leaving.
Chloe: I haven't met that many happy people in my life. How do they act?
Harold: [Harold, Sam, and Nick are trying to chase a bat out of the attic] I'll open the window, maybe it'll split.
[He opens the window; two more bats fly in]
Nick: Good, now we've got a fair fight.
Minister: Are not the satisfactions of being a good man among our common men great enough to sustain us anymore?
Michael: Are we the first ones up?