Mama's Family (1983–1990)
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: [after having been robbed by a burglar named The Courteous Crook] He's been in there! He's actually been in my bathroom!
Iola Lucille Boyland: Did he take anything?
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: No, he cleaned up!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: He even put on a new roll of toilet paper... and the right way too - from the bottom out!
Iola Lucille Boyland: I always thought it was supposed to roll over the top...
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Good lord, Vinton, what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Vinton Harper: Well Mama... I'm trying to guess your weight...
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: I've got a better idea Vinton... how about you guess which hand I'm gonna smack you upside the head with?
[Vint bought a fishing rod instead of a bed that Naomi wanted]
Naomi Oates Harper: Vinton Harper, I am not asking you, I am telling you. Now, take that silly thing back and bring me my bed.
Vinton Harper: You got no right to tell me what to do, that's Mama's job!
[during loud arguments]
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just lovin' this!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: I tell ya, a guy selling brains could clean up in this family.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: I wanna kill myself! Quick! Gimme somethin' Naomi made!
Vinton Harper: Here, Mama. Try one of these Spam and anchovy sandwiches.
Vinton Harper: Y'know, last night was the first night that Naomi and I didn't... didn't... well, you know, we didn't...
Aunt Fran Crowley: There goes the Guinness Book of Records.
Bubba Higgins: Grandma doesn't give me any rights!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: You have the right to remain silent.
Eunice Higgins: Why doesn't anything good ever happen to me? All I do is cook and clean!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, hell, you can't even do that!
Eunice Higgins: You're skatin' on thin ice old lady!
Iola Lucille Boyland: [to Vint's boss Mr. Carstairs] I'm sure your wife will understand if you just explain it to her.
[Mrs. Carstairs blows the car horn outside]
Iola Lucille Boyland: Or maybe not.
Bubba Higgins: Grandma, you've got to admit it... There's nothing like the tree to get you into that Christmas spirit.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Yeah, sure, nothing gives me more comfort and joy than cleaning up pine needles for two weeks.
Eunice Higgins: Old lady, this time, you've gone too far!
[Vint pawned Mama's silver to bail his friend, Claude Cainmaker, whom Mama despises, out of jail]
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Good Lord in heaven! You robbed me for that bum!
Vinton Harper: I didn't rob anybody! And he is not a bum. He is a man of vision and integrity and belief in his fellow human beings!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, what did he need that money for?
Vinton Harper: Bail!
Naomi Oates Harper: Magic moments between a man and a woman are spiritual and ought not to be screwed with.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: The only way to keep from goin' crazy in this house is to stay half lit.
Eunice Higgins: If you want your talent appreciated in this world, you gotta go to Broadway!
Ellen Jackson: Aunt Fran, Mama has some good news and bad news. The bad news is... there isn't any good news.
Naomi Oates Harper: Oh, you just love to put people down, don't you, Mrs. Harper?
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: It is not only a pleasure, I see it as my duty!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Franny, don't drink if you can't hold your hooch!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: [Repeated line] What kind of a smut show is this?
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, Buzz, I believe you've gotten taller behind my back.
Vinton Harper: Sorry.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: From now on if we have any backstabbing to do were going to do it the way we have always done it face to face.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: From now on, I'm not gonna give my family anything but hell!
Ellen Jackson: Vinton, do you know what you get when you put your brain and my brain together? My brain.
Naomi Oates Harper: Aren't you going to introduce your family?
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Not if I can help it.
Naomi Oates Harper: Sonja, honey, did your mama ever talk to you about boys?
Sonja Harper: Well, she told me never to marry a locksmith.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: For 50 years I have been in charge of Christmas. I've jingled your bells and I've roasted your chestnuts. This Christmas you goons can just rum-pa-pum-pum without me.
Iola Lucille Boyland: I'm glad I put the tinsel on strand-by-strand. It gives the tree such symmetry.
Bubba Higgins: Yeah, and it balances it out, too.
Naomi Oates Harper: I love a Boy's Choir at Christmas.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: That's 'cause you've never had to sit through one.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well what the hell are you waiting for? Open up the door and let the good times roll...
Ellen Jackson: Vint, I don't ever lend money. Not ever. I just don't. Ever.