The Bill (1984–2010)
Sgt. Alec Peters: Best thing to do is to close your office door.
Chief Inspector Derek Conway: Yeah, and tell the world to Foxtrot Oscar.
PC Jim Carver: Bradford? She's got about as much community spirit as Adolf Hitler.
[to PC Klein]
Cass Rickman: You look like Dracula with the flu.
DC Mike Dashwood: Anything else?
DI Burnside: Yeah, a garage full of bricks.
DC Mike Dashwood: What kind of bricks?
DI Burnside: The kind the third little pig used to build his house out of. Brick, bricks.
PC Cass Rickman: Smithy thinks the lotus position is having sex in a flash car.
Sgt. Matt Boyden: When The Met employed Reg Hollis, they deprived a village of its idiot.
Chief Supt. Charles Brownlow: Did the prisoner hurt himself?
Sgt. Matt Boyden: Unfortunately not sir.
DCC Gordon Cooper: So, who should we expect a visit from?
Supt. Tom Chandler: DC Mickey Webb, small bloke, yaps like a dog.
PC Cathy Bradford: D'you think Reg is all right?
PC Gary Best: He's not exactly Rambo is he?
Insp. Gina Gold: Reg may not be a superhero, but I know who I'd like to be with me in a tight corner and it wouldn't be you, Best, all right!
DI Burnside: [on Brownlow's secretary Marion] I'd like to do the Lambada with her.
PC Lance Powell: He's so far in the closet, he might as well be in Narnia!
Insp. Gina Gold: This is not a Marxist collective, you know. When I say do it - you go do it.
[to DS Samantha Nixon]
DS Phil Hunter: Sergeants stick together; maybe you should join the club.
[about Inspector Gina Gold]
PC Jim Carver: How's the dragon this morning? Is she breathing fire or smoking it?
Insp. Gina Gold: Rules are rules, and if I thought for one minute you were bending them for anyone - including me - I'd kick you from hell to breakfast!
Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith: [pulls a quantity of drugs from a pushchair] "Makes a change from a cuddly toy".
Insp. Gina Gold: What is it with these kids? Why do they have to give themselves such ridiculous names?
PC Sally Armstrong: Its a youth culture thing.
Insp. Gina Gold: It was a rhetorical question thank you PC Armstrong! I may be the wrong side of fifty but I am still alive!
DC Jo Masters: Morning.
DC Mickey Webb: Wow, late night?
DC Jo Masters: Not particularly, what makes you think that? Can't a girl come in a little bit late for work without people casting aspersions on her good name?
DC Kezia Walker: Is that asprin you're drinking?
DC Jo Masters: You see, this is the problem with cynical detectives, such as yourselves... You take a few pieces of circumstantial evidence and you leap to some preconceived conclusion. There may be any number of reasons why I'm drinking this concoction of paracetamol and electro light enriched water... Maybe I'm replacing lost fluids following an early morning game of squash, or perhaps I'm simply coming down with the flu.
DC Mickey Webb: Or perhaps you left The Seven Bells and ended up in The Octane Nightclub last night?
DC Jo Masters: Oh... How'd you know?
DC Mickey Webb: Erm... You've still got the stamp on your hand.
DC Jo Masters: Don't start Mickey! I've got the mother of all hangovers and I don't want any of your southern lip! I'm just gonna drink this, bury myself in paperwork and sit quietly...
DC Jo Masters: Okay?
DC Jo Masters: What's this? DC Dasari by day, Spider Woman by night?
PC Will Fletcher: You got a minute?
DC Jo Masters: Errr... no, as it happens, I don't... Wanna know why? I've just come from court... three months I spent preparing for that court appearance... an entire rainforest has died to provide the amount of paperwork I've submitted... the electricity bill for the unpaid overtime I've clocked, has irrevicably changed the earth's climate... and ya know what? The judge throws it out on the first day of trial, on a technicality. So no, I dont have a minute... I wanna sit at ma desk... I wanna eat a cream filled chocolate eclair... and I wanna surf the net for holidays in the Seychelles...
PC Tony Stamp: Everything alright up there?
PC Ben Gayle: We got a dead body!
PC Tony Stamp: I'll take that as a no then...
DCI Jack Meadows: So, d'ya fancy a drink?
DI Samantha Nixon: Yeah!
DCI Jack Meadows: Shall we ask the Super?
DI Samantha Nixon: Nah...
DCI Jack Meadows: Are you sure I shouldn't have picked you up somewhere else?
PC Sally Armstrong: No its alright, if anyone askes I'll just say you're my Dad...
DS Phil Hunter: Why are attics always full of rubbish?
DS Samantha Nixon: Mine's quite tidy actually.
DS Phil Hunter: Well, you're a freak.
DS Samantha Nixon: That's very kind of you
Superintendent John Heaton: We didn't have a choice
Insp. Gina Gold: Well you could have given them chance to open the door.
Superintendent John Heaton: Every second counted.
Insp. Gina Gold: Clearly, but don't you think in retrospect, that your decision was a bit rash?
Superintendent John Heaton: Did Okaro have to put up with your constant criticism?
Insp. Gina Gold: No, because to be honest there was alot less to criticise.
Superintendent John Heaton: Oh please, don't stop there, you obviously have an opinion on the way I'm handling things, carry on. I'm very interested to hear what you have to say, Inspector.
Insp. Gina Gold: You could have asked for my opinion, before you smashed into the people's house. I think it's a bit late asking now, Sir.
PC Tony Stamp: [about PC Noble] There's something going on between her and the super. I reckon he's brought her in to spy on us.
Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith: She knows the super through her ex-husband. They're old mates that's all. You're such an old woman Tone'
DS Stuart Turner: Hey, ya know what I was thinking? Erm, forget the drink, I wanna buy you dinner instead.
PC Diane Noble: I don't really think I'm your type.
DS Stuart Turner: Oh, no you're just my type, believe me.
PC Diane Noble: Well then, maybe you're not mine?
DS Stuart Turner: Oh, right...
DS Stuart Turner: Well good work today...
DC Jo Masters: Right... He got a caution for public disorder six months ago... and there are several charges of GBH and threatening behaviour... Lovely! Just the sorta' bloke ya wanna borrow money from...
DC Jo Masters: You got any perfume?
DC Stevie Moss: Yeah, why?
DC Jo Masters: Might wanna give yourself a spray. Sammo's personal hygiene isn't all that.
DC Jo Masters: And have we found anything interesting?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: No, but I smell something interesting. Apricot danish?
DC Jo Masters: It's peach, and it's mine.
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Oh come on I've been here since 6am. Give us a bite and I'll tell you about a partial print I found?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: DC Jo Masters... You're wondering how I did that aren't ya?
DC Jo Masters: Not really, no.
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Its your perfume. 'Sensual for Women' innit? Suits you... Kinda like me...
DC Jo Masters: I hear you have a match on a partial print for me Eddie?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Yeah it was easy, you know what the stoners are like, sloppy. Always takin' their gloves off. I think its the loss of motor function.
DC Jo Masters: Let me guess... Tray Simpson, forty-thee Rudkin Road?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Yeah.
DC Jo Masters: Ahh... Wondering how I did that, aren't ya?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: I mean how naf is that? Big bank robber smoking Menthol! Ya know I heard it causes impot...
DC Jo Masters: How does that help us Eddie?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Got something for you. Sticky bun... and a chocolate éclair.
DC Jo Masters: Eddie you're an absolute star I haven't eaten all day.
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Really? Me neither.
DC Jo Masters: Mmm, thank you! Mm mm, thanks!
CSE Eddie Olosunje: There's a little Turkish place round the corner... Fancy a bite? My shout.
DC Jo Masters: I've gotta get through this work Eddie.
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Oh yeah. Another time maybe?
DC Jo Masters: Sure, whenever.
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Saturday night?
DC Jo Masters: Eddie, are you asking me out on a date?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Yeah, I suppose so. I mean, I felt something between us, didn't- It's not that funny is it?
DC Jo Masters: Yes, it is.
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Why? I mean, we're mates aint we?
DC Jo Masters: Yeah Eddie... we're mates yeah. C'mon, I'm gonna buy you a drink and explain...
Insp. Gina Gold: Oh and by the way Gary, I've had to deal with enough nobs today; I'm sure it's very impessive but keep it in your trousers...
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: You've made my mind up for me. I want you to act as Family Liason Officer to the Weavers.
DS Phil Hunter: You what?
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: You heard.
DS Phil Hunter: Guv, I'm hardly tea and sympathy material am I?
DC Rob Thatcher: He's not wrong there Guv.
DS Phil Hunter: See? Can't you get Eva to do it?
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: ook. I know you've got all the listening skills and empathy of a breeze block Phil, but that's not what's needed here. Weaver's up to his neck in all sorts and some of his associates will've lost alot of money when Joel Brewer decided not to throw that fight, so, if we wanna find that little girl, we need to know who Weaver's wound up. And how nasty they are. And as you're our expert in all things nasty... low... devious...
DS Phil Hunter: Yeah thanks very much.
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: You're welcome... Shift your arse.
DC Rob Thatcher: [laughs]
DC Rob Thatcher: Wipe that smile off your face Constable!
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: Problems Phillip?
DS Phil Hunter: You don't wanna know.
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: You're damn right I don't wanna know!
DC Rob Thatcher: Nixon's been looking for you.
DS Phil Hunter: Oh yeah, what'd ya say?
DC Rob Thatcher: I said I didn't know where you were.
DS Phil Hunter: Nice one! Yeah even Ken would've done better than that!
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: DS Hunter! My office now!... I said now!... Where have you been? And don't try telling me it's to do with the Brewer case.
DS Phil Hunter: No, I slipped out.
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: You slipped out? For over two hours? What's going on?
DS Phil Hunter: It's personal.
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: Oh is it? When I assign you to an investigation, I expect you to just get on with it, not go swanning around to goodness knows where!
DS Phil Hunter: It was important.
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: This job, is important. Now I'm under pressure to get results here!
DS Phil Hunter: Yeah well so am I... Look, I apologise for not consulting you first, alright? Can I go back and do some work?
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: Well if it's not too much trouble!
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: I want results...
DS Phil Hunter: Yeah well I was thinking along those sorta lines aswell...
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: Well pull you're finger out! And stop skiving!
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: Err, today would be nice.
DS Phil Hunter: I dunno about you, but I'm pretty sure I wont miss being bossed around by Miss Desperate To Be An Inspector Nixon.
Acting DI Samantha Nixon: I heard that!
DS Phil Hunter: Yes, of course ya did. With those supernatural senses she would've been dunked a few years back... Witch!
DCI Jack Meadows: You have a choice. You can play my way, or I'll send you home, lock the door, and put two PCs outside.
DS Phil Hunter: What you're asking me just to do nothing?
DCI Jack Meadows: Yeah that's about the strength of it...
DS Phil Hunter: Yeah but how was I to know what the outcome would be?
DCI Jack Meadows: Well Weaver was never gonna be too pleased was he, with you sleeping with Christine? Most husbands tend to get annoyed when someone knocks up their Mrs, and to add insult to injury, you double crossed him when he was going after Nick Klein.
DS Phil Hunter: Listen, who's heading the MIT squad?
DCI Jack Meadows: Sherlock Holmes as far as you're concerned!
PC Kerry Young: This was found in your van near where this afternoon's incident took place.
PC Cameron Tait: I think you know what's written in it Mr Osbourne.
PC Kerry Young: Dates, times, places, vehicle registration numbers... all relating to, clamp removals. I particularly like the personal comments you've added to the entries, such as, "Vehicle owner very attractive female, the type of woman you'd ask around for sherry and volauvents".
DS Samantha Nixon: Happy New Year. Are you okay?
DS Phil Hunter: Yeah, why shouldn't I be? Listen, I've been dumped by better women than you.
DS Samantha Nixon: No you haven't.
DC Jo Masters: Is this the same Henderson family that I read about?
DS Samantha Nixon: Sun Hill's famous lottery winners?
DS Phil Hunter: Yeah, turns out they really do have money to burn...
DI Samantha Nixon: Is this the place?
DC Jacob Banks: Tom Norris' agent said he was doing a lunch time gig.
DI Samantha Nixon: Lunch time stripping... My life's clearly far too tame... I normally just fancy a sandwich...
DI Samantha Nixon: Good night.
PC Nate Roberts: Oh, Ma'am!
DI Samantha Nixon: Eurgh, so close, yes?
PC Nate Roberts: You're needed down the Grape and Bottle.
DI Samantha Nixon: You mean the Seven Bells.
PC Nate Roberts: No.
DI Samantha Nixon: Is this... Is this some sort of, weird way of asking me out?
PC Nate Roberts: No, its, erm... there's been a serious assault.
DI Samantha Nixon: Well, I'm sorry Nate, I knocked off about an hour ago.
PC Nate Roberts: Yeah, sorry. It's just, they specifically asked for a, senior, CID officer.
DI Samantha Nixon: Right. Okay, tell them I'm on my way. And err, by the way, there are people up there, much older than me.
DI Samantha Nixon: No, no. Go on. What's wrong with it?
DC Jacob Banks: Nothing as such, Guv, but it's quite a list to wade through. If you want it to read better, you could break it up with some semi-colons. They're...
DI Samantha Nixon: Yeah, little commas with dots on the top, yeah I know what they are Banksy.
DC Jacob Banks: Right, well I wasn't suggesting that you don't...
DI Samantha Nixon: I'd like to see you try this with Jack Meadows!
DC Jacob Banks: That'd be Jack 'No Spell Check' Meadows?
DI Samantha Nixon: I knew it was a mistake bringing a teacher into the department.
PC Millie Brown: Excuse me, Ma'am. Can I just have a word with Banksy?
DI Samantha Nixon: Only if you put your hand up first.
DS Stuart Turner: Right... We've got a fire on Waterview Road, uniform are dealing with it but it looks accidental, so, I need anyone?
DC Jacob Banks: There's some dry paint in custody that needs watching...
DC Mickey Webb: Sorry I'm late Sarge, traffic was murder.
DC Jo Masters: Oh yeah? Nothing to do with the late night you had out with Terry and Stevie then?
DC Mickey Webb: Does this face look like it's hungover?
DC Jacob Banks: Yes.
CSE Eddie Olosunje: The body is that of a five foot ten, caucasian male, aged twenty-two years.
DC Jacob Banks: How can you tell that without a post-mortem?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Erm... He was a studious young man with a thirst for knowledge... Wait a minute, I'm getting more... His name was William, William Lucas...
DC Jacob Banks: You found his wallet...?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Yeah, it was tucked under the brick work. His library card was dated 1978.
DC Jacob Banks: So he's been in there for thirty years?
CSE Eddie Olosunje: Yeah. His overdue fees must be enormous...
CSE Eddie Olosunje: I don't mind if you wanna kiss me DC Webb, but no tongues.
DC Jo Masters: Not like you to give up so easily...
DS Phil Hunter: What d'you mean?
DC Jo Masters: You get your teeth into a section eighteen search you don't normally let go?
DS Phil Hunter: You've got a suspicious mind DC Masters.
DC Jo Masters: Yeah, goes with the job!
DS Phil Hunter: Why does the black mailer want the money dropped off here? I mean how does he know no one's gonna pick it up first? And why's this location a convenient place?
DC Suzie Sim: Well it's over looked on all four sides, and he or she might be watching us as we speak.
DS Phil Hunter: Yeah, probably in the same building as our OP; how's it going up there Jo?
DC Jo Masters: You make a lovely couple.
DS Phil Hunter: A lovely couple of what?
DC Jo Masters: No comment!
DC Jim Carver: Here you go. One fresh tortoise.
PC Reg Hollis: Oh dear.
PC Honey Harman: What?
PC Reg Hollis: Well it's just as I thought... It's Greek.
PC Honey Harman: How can you tell that?
DC Jim Carver: The accent?
PC Reg Hollis: It's where they come from when they're imported from the wild. Has he got any others?
DC Jim Carver: No, that was the last one. But he said he was expecting another delivery this evening.
PC Gary Best: Is this serious? We're doing a stakeout on some tortoises?
PC Reg Hollis: Yeah alright Gary no jesting. Look, Jim's got some very good information that the man in the shop round the corner is expecting a delivery tonight of illegally imported wild tortoises. Get yourself outside the shop where you can have a good look at the front of it.
PC Gary Best: Is there a back entrance?
DC Jim Carver: No.
PC Reg Hollis: And listen, if it all goes off we're just here, give us a shout.
PC Gary Best: All goes off? These tortoise on crack or what? I've always wanted to be in the flying squad, and this is obviously what it's like!
DS Phil Hunter: [Putting on aftershave]
DC Jo Masters: That reminds me, I must get my drains sorted...
PC Reg Hollis: [about Inspector Gold] I heard she murdered a bloke once.
PC Nick Klein: Oh yeah? What with?
PC Reg Hollis: Bare hands probably...
DC Jo Masters: Clear off or I'll nick ya!
Suspect: What for?
DC Jo Masters: I'll think of somethin'!
Sgt. Matt Boyden: Let's keep the off air chit-chat off air shall we.
PC Debbie Keane: [talking about a credit card thief Sonia Papadopoulos] Hey, you know this Sonia what's-her-face?
PC George Garfield: What you mean Sonia Shop-till-you-dropoulos?
DS John Boulton: [a lawyer standing in his underpants in a football changing room] Oh, great. The brief in briefs.
PC Jim Carver: Say you got a credit card, right?
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep.
PC Jim Carver: And some slag's got your details...
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep, yep.
PC Jim Carver: And they're usin' it, buying stuff.
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep, yep, what's your point?
PC Jim Carver: Well you are still entitled to the points aren't you?
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Penetrating intelligence like yours Jim, I don't know why you've not been promoted.
PC Jim Carver: You takin' the mickey?
DS Geoff Daly: [talking about a married suspect who's got his 24-year-old girlfriend pregnant and doesn't know what to do] Can't help feeling sorry for Ted
DC Rod Skase: What? C'mon! He's trading in his clapped out old Escort for a brand new GTi. Unfortunately it's got a baby seat built in as well!
DS Geoff Daly: You're a right bleeding heart Rod!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: [on the way to a roadblock to catch a thief who hit Boulton and escaped arrest] He's a dangerous man, Pol. So when we're checkin' these cars I want you to stay nice and close to me!
PC Polly Page: [Gary and George laugh] I thought that's what you meant!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: You may laugh but he's knocked the crap out of CID's finest!
PC George Garfield: Yeah well that's not very hard!
PC Gary McCann: From the description he sounds like a dwarf!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: Well he's a vicious dwarf! He kneed DS Boulton in the orchastra stalls!
DI Burnside: Annoyed? First Class passengers on the Titanic were annoyed. What I'm feeling now goes beyond that.
DI Burnside: Ask the real community what they want and they'll tell you loud and clear. Cuff 'em and stuff 'em.
PC Gabriel Kent: You think I'm afraid of you Kerry? I'm not. You're like a fly buzzing around me, waiting to be swatted away.
PC Kerry Young: Yeah, well we all know what flies are attracted to.
PC Sheelagh Murphy: I've got a husband, I know what it's like when a bloke's got the flu: somewhere between Ebola and Bubonic plague.
PC Honey Harman: I know what they say about me at the station. A bit 40 watts. Dim.
PC Nick Klein: Where you going?
DC Eva Sharpe: I'm gonna go and see Aaron's social worker again, I think there's something we might've missed here...
PC Nick Klein: What about Hunter?
DC Eva Sharpe: I'm following my instincts on this one!
PC Nick Klein: He could go ballistic...
DC Eva Sharpe: I don't care if he spontaneously combusts!
DCI Jack Meadows: The DI's come very far very fast. He's a man with friends in high places. His father-in-law is DAC Pearson.
DC Eva Sharpe: So the DI's beyond criticism is he Guv?
DCI Jack Meadows: ell he thinks he's untouchable. But you concentrate on your own career, not the DI's, otherwise you'll find yourself on a downward path.
DC Eva Sharpe: Guv... Will you be, putting it in my papers?
DCI Jack Meadows: This is between me and you. But don't let me find you digging for dirt on a senior or any other member of my team again.
DC Eva Sharpe: Understood.
DCI Jack Meadows: Now, one other question. Did you find anything?
DC Jo Masters: D'ya know, I don't know who put what on your porridge this morning, but this whole sergeant-major impression is getting a little bit annoying.
DS Phil Hunter: You keep your tights on alright, I'll do it myself!
PC Tony Stamp: The DS is not much of a one for team work is he?
PC Roger Valentine: I reckon if he thought he could get away with it, he'd put on a wig and a frock himself and of taken Beth's place.
PC Tony Stamp: Nah he hasn't got the legs for it.
DC Suzie Sim: So that's the famous Jo Masters...
DS Ramani De Costa: Do you know her?
DC Suzie Sim: Her reputation preceeds her.
DS Ramani De Costa: Really?
DC Suzie Sim: She's worked all over. Legend has it, that there isn't a crime she hasn't solved or a criminal she hasn't nicked.
[Hums wedding march]
PC Amber Johannsen: Put a sock in it.
PC Yvonne Hemmingway: Oh come on, what's Tony's magic eh? How's he put you under his spell? Has he got a big wand?
DCI Jack Meadows: Glad you could join us. How's your day going?
Sgt Phil Hunter: Yeah, it just got better Guv. What do you need me for?
DCI Jack Meadows: Right. You see this? When it rings, you pick it up, and you go "Hello?" like that, and then you right down the details. Think you can manage that?
PC Diane Noble: Great... Sierra Oscar from four-eight-three... Assistance required, Dorall Road... We got any sheep dogs?
Sgt Craig Gilmore: They've appointed a new Inspector to take over. Some woman named Gold.
Sgt. Matt Boyden: Heaven help us all.
Sgt. June Ackland: Sir, we're not the pink and fluffy brigade you know! I mean, if anything, dealing with race hate crime, domestic violence, means we're gonna get our hands dirtier than anyone else!
Supt. Tom Chandler: I'm on your side June, I'm a hundred percent behind the CSU. I was just observing that your work might entail some tact and discretion that's all. Especially where the local ethnic groups are concerned.
PC Cathy Bradford: Sorry I'm late, I've been up all night... Dodgy Indian...
DC Jo Masters: Getting Phil to eat humble pie is one of the few highlights of my job.
FDO Robbie Cryer: I'm even thinking of applying to the police. Next time we meet I might be on the force!
Chief Superintendent Jane Fitzwilliam: If only we hadn't done away with the height restriction...
DC Jacob Banks: Give it some welly!
DC Jo Masters: I am giving it welly!
DC Mickey Webb: Well try and give it some proper northern welly!
DC Jo Masters: I'll give you some northern welly in a minute!
DS Max Carter: What's going on there?
DC Mickey Webb: Jo's just having a slight problem with the filing cabinet.
DS Max Carter: Try giving it some welly!
DC Jo Masters: I AM!