Quotes

Tim: Anybody wanna go fly a kite with me tonight? I hear it's great weather for flying KITES! I wonder if there's any KITES around here we can fly!

Brian Schwartz: Hey listen, Cavanaugh. It's not kite, it's KIKE! K-I-K-E, "kike." You know, you're too stupid to even be a good bigot!

[in a high-pitched falsetto voice]

Tommy Turner: Hi I'm Paulie the Penis. And I just love to have fun. Ha Ha Ha.

Pee Wee Morris: All I need is a watermelon and two jelly donuts!

Billy: That's it. I am not taking a shower with you.

[Billy and the other guys get up and leave]

Pee Wee Morris: Religious fanatics.

Balbricker: Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who...

Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker!

Balbricker: Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again. Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.

[pause]

Balbricker: Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Mr. Carter: Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal.

Balbricker: We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment. Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That

[pause]

Balbricker: tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.

Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... their private parts for an incriminating mole?

Balbricker: But Mr. Carter.

Coach Brakett: Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."

Pee Wee Morris: [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.

[Everybody else laughs]

Tommy Turner: Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.

Mickey: He needs the junior size.

Brian Schwartz: [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.

Meat: [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?

Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here? Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?

Meat: Everybody in town, from what I hear.

Billy: [trying to warn Pee Wee about Cherry Forever] She's married to some big black stud and he's gonna cut your pecker off.

Tommy Turner: Yeah, I hear he's packing tweezers.

Billy: Cherry, this is Pee Wee.

Cherry Forever: I'll say. What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?

[laughter from the other guys]

Cherry Forever: [to Billy] You know we'd better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in.

[more laughter in background]

Cherry Forever: [to Pee Wee] Save your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it.

Pee Wee Morris: [giggling] OK.

Tommy Turner: [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off.

Tim: Wait. What's this bullshit?

Billy: She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD.

Steve: How's she going to tell that by looking at us?

Tommy Turner: She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor.

Tim: Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?

[murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys]

Billy: Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?

Pee Wee Morris: Okay, I'm ready!

[they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores]

Pee Wee Morris: I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.

Mickey: Uh, barkeep, I'd like to speak with Porky.

Bartender: Porky's busy.

Mickey: Yeah, well he ain't too busy for what I want. I want to pay for some pussy.

Bartender: Pay me.

Mickey: [Firmly] I want to talk to Porky.

Bartender: [Shrugs] Okay, if that's what you want.

[Walks off laughing softly]

Mickey: [to the gang] See? You just got to show them who's boss.

Tim: [pushing Brian out of his father's site and taking his place] Get outta here.

Mr. Cavanaugh: What?

Tim: You heard what I said.

Mr. Cavanaugh: Well, who ya talking to, boy?

Tim: [relaxing] Trash. Pure trash.

Mr. Cavanaugh: Now, son, that's no way to talk to your pa.

Tim: [looks back at everyone else watching then back at him] You know, I really wish you hadn't said that, because you don't know how humiliating it is to have anyone even know you're my pa.

[get's smacked hard across the face. Meat is now trying to get at Tim's father but is being held back by everyone. Yelling back to Meat]

Tim: Stay out of this!

[back to his father]

Tim: You make sure you're finished, because this is going to be the last time you ever lay a hand on me again, you SON OF A BITCH!

[is taken up against the wall and smacked repeatedly]

Porky: Who's asking to see me?

Mickey: Mr. Porky, I am.

Porky: Whatta you want?

Mickey: Well, my friends and I would like to party with five of your girls upstairs in Porky's Pen.

Porky: You five of my piglets up in the pen? For how long?

Mickey: An hour.

Porky: A whole hour. What are you spending, bottle caps?

Mickey: No, a hundred dollars.

Porky: Ooh. A hundred dollars, for five ladies.

[pause]

Porky: Go home, snot nose.