Balbricker: Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who...
Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker!
Balbricker: Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again. Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.
Balbricker: Well, what are you gonna do about it?
Mr. Carter: Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal.
Balbricker: We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment. Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That
Balbricker: tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.
Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... their private parts for an incriminating mole?
Balbricker: But Mr. Carter.
Coach Brakett: Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."
Wendy: [answering the phone behind the counter at the roadside diner] Deadbeats.
Pee Wee Morris: [into pay phone, disguising his voice] Hello. Hi. I'm lookin' for a friend of mine. He's s'posed to be there.
Wendy: Uh, what's his name?
Pee Wee Morris: His name's Michael Hunt... uh Mike, Mike. Yes, Mike.
Wendy: Mike Hunt? Okay, just hang on a minute.
[raising her voice to address the patrons]
Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here?
[Pee Wee laughs]
Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here?
[several patrons begin to snicker]
Wendy: Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?
[patrons begin to cackle uncontrollably]
Meat: Practically everybody in town, from what I hear.
Tim: Anybody wanna go fly a kite with me tonight? I hear it's great weather for flying KITES! I wonder if there's any KITES around here we can fly!
Brian Schwartz: Hey listen, Cavanaugh. It's not kite, it's KIKE! K-I-K-E, "kike." You know, you're too stupid to even be a good bigot!
[in a high-pitched falsetto voice]
Tommy Turner: Hi I'm Paulie the Penis. And I just love to have fun. Ha Ha Ha.
Tommy Turner: Jesus Christ! It's the mother lode.
Billy: I never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater.
Tommy Turner: This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot in the history of Florida.
Coach Brakett: That's angel food cake. You touch her and the Food and Drug Administration will get ya for fucking food.
Pee Wee Morris: [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.
[Everybody else laughs]
Tommy Turner: Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.
Mickey: He needs the junior size.
Brian Schwartz: [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.
Meat: [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?
Billy: [trying to warn Pee Wee about Cherry Forever] She's married to some big black stud and he's gonna cut your pecker off.
Tommy Turner: Yeah, I hear he's packing tweezers.
Billy: Cherry, this is Pee Wee.
Cherry Forever: I'll say. What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?
[laughter from the other guys]
Cherry Forever: [to Billy] You know we'd better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in.
[more laughter in background]
Cherry Forever: [to Pee Wee] Save your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it.
Pee Wee Morris: [giggling] OK.
Balbricker: [Balbricker has a strong grip on Tommy Turner's penis through the shower room wall]
Balbricker: I've got you *NOW*, TOMMY TURNER! And I'm taking you to the principal! Somebody get me the principal! Mr. Carter! Somebody get me the principal!
Balbricker: [Tommy is struggling to get free] You disgusting, little, filthy, *pervert*!
[Tommy finally gets free and gets out of there]
Balbricker: [through the wall] You *freak*! You filthy little pervert. I know you're in there. You dirty little *dickhead*!
Coach Brakett: [regarding Miss Honeywell] Oh boy, would I like to get next to that.
Coach Warren: Ah yes, Lassie.
Coach Brakett: Lassie?
Coach Warren: Patience my boy, patience.
Coach Brakett: Why do they call her Lassie?
Coach Warren: Why do you think?
Coach Brakett: I dunno.
Coach Warren: Awooooooo.
Coach Brakett: You callin' her a dog? That's angel food cake.
Coach Warren: Well, what can I tell ya?
Coach Brakett: You can tell me why they call her Lassie.
Coach Warren: Just get her up in the equipment room, and you'll find out. But beware of King Kong.
[the Angel Beach gang cheers after sinking Porky's into the swamp]
Porky: [furious] You're dead, you sons of bitches. I'm gonna get ya.
[the teens escape in the tow truck with Meat grabbing his crotch]
Porky: I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands!
[to his minions]
Porky: Get that Pigmobile out here! You're gonna die! I'm coming after ya! You're all dead! I'm gonna break your fuckin' necks myself!
[Pee Wee detonates a bridge to slow Porky down]
Mr. Cavanaugh: Look's like I'm gonna make a man out of you yet, boy.
Tim: A man? If being a man means being what you are, I'd rather be queer.
Pee Wee Morris: All I need is a watermelon and two jelly donuts!
Billy: That's it. I am not taking a shower with you.
[Billy and the other guys get up and leave]
Pee Wee Morris: Religious fanatics.
[introducing Cherry to the boys one by one]
Tommy Turner: And this is the *pride* of Angel Beach. Anthony Tuperello, affectionately known as *Meat*.
Cherry Forever: Oh, my God. The boy's deformed!
[laughter from the guys]
Brian Schwartz: When you're Jewish you either learn to fight, or you take a lotta shit. I don't like to take shit
Pee Wee Morris: Yeah, that's just how I like 'em!
Mickey: You like 'em as long as they ain't dead.
Pee Wee Morris: I don't care if they're dead as long as they ain't too cold.
Tommy Turner: [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off.
Tim: Wait. What's this bullshit?
Billy: She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD.
Steve: How's she going to tell that by looking at us?
Tommy Turner: She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor.
Tim: Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?
[murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys]
Billy: Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?
Pee Wee Morris: Okay, I'm ready!
[they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores]
Pee Wee Morris: I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.
Sheriff Wallace: [Sheriff Wallace, Porky's brother, arrives with his storm troopers to catch Mickey, Tommy, Meat, Tim and Pee Wee in the act] Hold it! Hold it!
[the Sheriff sees Pee Wee trying to sneak away]
Sheriff Wallace: Ya better fuckin' freeze, mister!
Sheriff Wallace: What's goin' on here, Pork?
Porky: I was givin' the old place an enema and this pile of shit come floatin' up to the surface.
Pee Wee Morris: [to Porky, offended] Hey!
Sheriff Wallace: [to Pee Wee] Shut up, boy. Just shut up.
Mickey: Uh, barkeep, I'd like to speak with Porky.
Bartender: Porky's busy.
Mickey: Yeah, well he ain't too busy for what I want. I want to pay for some pussy.
Bartender: Pay me.
Mickey: [Firmly] I want to talk to Porky.
Bartender: [Shrugs] Okay, if that's what you want.
[Walks off laughing softly]
Mickey: [to the gang] See? You just got to show them who's boss.
Tim: [pushing Brian out of his father's site and taking his place] Get outta here.
Mr. Cavanaugh: What?
Tim: You heard what I said.
Mr. Cavanaugh: Well, who ya talking to, boy?
Tim: [relaxing] Trash. Pure trash.
Mr. Cavanaugh: Now, son, that's no way to talk to your pa.
Tim: [looks back at everyone else watching then back at him] You know, I really wish you hadn't said that, because you don't know how humiliating it is to have anyone even know you're my pa.
[get's smacked hard across the face. Meat is now trying to get at Tim's father but is being held back by everyone. Yelling back to Meat]
Tim: Stay out of this!
[back to his father]
Tim: You make sure you're finished, because this is going to be the last time you ever lay a hand on me again, you SON OF A BITCH!
[is taken up against the wall and smacked repeatedly]
Porky: [Coming down to the bar] Who's asking to see me?
Mickey: Mr. Porky, I am.
Porky: What do you want?
Mickey: Well, my friends and I would like to party with five of your girls upstairs in Porky's Pen.
Porky: You five of my piglets up in the pen? For how long?
Mickey: [Thinks a second] An hour.
Porky: A whole hour. What do you got to spend? Bottle caps?
Mickey: Hundred bucks!
Porky: Ooh. A hundred dollars, for five ladies.
Porky: Go home, snot nose.
Mickey: Porky, wait a minute.
Porky: [Turns back around] *Mister* Porky.
Mickey: Well, how many girls can we get for a hundred?
Porky: There's five of you, right?
[They all nod]
Porky: That's a lot of horny dicks. I'll let you have two girls for an hour, or three or a half-hour.
Mickey: That's all?
Porky: Hey, no one's forcing you, but it's a long ride back home and it's even longer with a hard on.
Mickey: Okay, okay, we'll take three for thirty minutes.
[Porky's bar & strip joint has just been sunk in the swamp by the gang]
Porky: [horrified] It's gone. Porky's is gone.
Billy: All right. Now remember, any sign of guns and we're gone, okay?
[Porky, with a couple of bouncers, storms out the strip joint holding a bat]
Pee Wee Morris: Yo, Billy.
Porky: Where are these five little virgins who think they reached manhood? You wanna tangle ass with me? Come up here, you sawed-off punk! I'll educate ya! I'll wrap this right around your damn neck! Come on, move it!
Billy: [taunts Porky] Boy, boy, Porky. You know, we're really scared. I guess we better go now.
Porky: You better be. Go on, get your ass on home!
Billy: I hope shit floats!
Porky: You'll float if I ever catch you around here again, you little shit!
[Porky, his bouncers, the bartender, and one of his strippers are chatting amongst themselves; Billy enters the bar]
Billy: [yells] Soo-ee! Soo! Soo-soo-soo-ee!
Bartender: What the hell is that?
Billy: I wanna see Porky.
Bartender: Who wants to see Porky?
Billy: Tell him the boys from Angel Beach are here. Tell him to bring the best he's got and meet us in the parking lot. Now!
[Porky and the gang laughs as Billy leaves the bar]
Bartender: Do you believe that? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Bartender: Oh, Porky! The boys from Angel Beach are here!
[One of Sheriff Wallace's deputies accidentally drives his squad car in reverse into the swamp, wrecking the office in the process, despite being in Drive gear; Sheriff Wallace jumps into the swamp]
Sheriff Wallace: Don't you sons-of-bitches know the difference between drive and reverse?
Deputy no. 1: I did have it in drive, Boss!
Sheriff Wallace: Get me outta here.
[the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks]
Billy: The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.
Tommy Turner: This is just the kind of thing you write off.
Pee Wee Morris: [hands Tommy the receipt] Here you go.
Tommy Turner: Again?
Pee Wee Morris: I got it last time.
Tommy Turner: [pays the waitress] Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.
Mickey: I'm going back to get that pig.
Meat: Yeah right, Mick.
Mickey: [throws his hamburger in a fit] Yeah, Meat!
Sheriff Wallace: You checked that car out?
Deputy no. 1: Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss.
Sheriff Wallace: Come on, shit for brains!
[the Sheriff and his deputies get into the second car and attempt to catch the tow truck, but all four of the wheels fall off thanks to Tim unscrewing the bolts]
Sheriff Wallace: [mocking] "Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss."
Sheriff Wallace: Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums.
[Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey]
Sheriff Wallace: Where's your car, boy?
Mickey: [points to his Ford pick-up truck] Right there.
Sheriff Wallace: You from Seward County?
Sheriff Wallace: Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.
Mickey: I don't have a busted headlight.
Sheriff Wallace: Don't have a busted headlight?
[the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs]
Mickey: [shocked] Shit!
Sheriff Wallace: That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!
Tommy Turner: I've got fifteen bucks.
Pee Wee Morris: I've got-I've got five.
Sheriff Wallace: You got five, you got fifteen, huh?
Meat: I've got twelve.
Tim: I think I got three.
Porky: [to his goons] Watch this.
[the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight]
Mickey: [grows angry] Goddamn it!
[Porky and his goons laughing]
Sheriff Wallace: You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?
Mickey: I've got ten.
Sheriff Wallace: Give it to me! Give me all you got.
[the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway]
Sheriff Wallace: Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?
Porky: Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.
Sheriff Wallace: You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Go on!
[the boys pile up in Mickey's truck]
Sheriff Wallace: Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Goin' home now, ain't we?
Porky: [to his goons] I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer.
Wendy: Oh, Pee-wee, you little prick! And I do mean that. Literally.
Mr. Cavanaugh: [Overheard] C'mon, Jew-boy!
Unseen Boy: Hey, watch it buddy!
Mr. Cavanaugh: [Cut to him circling Brian and flicking gently at his ears] Louie, Ivy, Abie, Slain. We the boy who don't eat no ham.
Brian Schwartz: [Doesn't even look at him] You really get a kick out of this, don't you?
Mr. Cavanaugh: Oh-ho, you got yourself a big Jew mouth, just like your big Jew nose! You a big man when you're kicking the ass out of kids with that sneaky Jap stuff, huh? Well, come on, why don't you try some of that shit on me? C'mon! Jew boy!
[Tim slides in and stands up for him]
Ted Jarvis: [after watching Mickey get taken away in an ambulance] I'll see you guys later.
Tommy Turner: Hey Ted, we're going too.
Ted Jarvis: [Upon hearing this, he slams the door to his car and turns back to Tommy] No you're not! It's bad enough we have to go into their jurisdiction without having to add the charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor!
Pee Wee Morris: But he...
Ted Jarvis: No "buts", Pee-Wee! I don't wanna see any of you boys get hurt.
Brian Schwartz: [Walks up] Nobody has to get hurt.
Ted Jarvis: What's that, Brian?
Brian Schwartz: Nobody has to get hurt, and your career doesn't have to be in jeopardy.
Ted Jarvis: Well, I'm all for that, Brian. What do you have in mind?
Brian Schwartz: It doesn't have to be tonight, right?
Ted Jarvis: Nope. It doesn't have to be tonight.
Brian Schwartz: Good.
Coach Brakett: [Walks up on the gang while Ted and Brian are away from the gang talking about his plan for revenge against Porky] Count me in.
Tommy Turner: [Sees him] You could get fired, Coach.
Coach Brakett: Are you kidding? I gotta be the worst coach that ever lived.
[They all laugh]
Coach Brakett: I'm long gone after this semester, anyway. And don't call me Coach anymore. Call me Roy. I'm only 23 for Christ sake.
Tommy Turner: You look much older.
Coach Brakett: Why don't you go and sit on a snake, Turner.
[Tommy laughs; Roy shows the kids a scar on his head]
Coach Brakett: You see this? Porky gave me that about 6 years ago. I always wanted a shot at that mutha. I'd feed him his nuts for lunch.
Balbricker: [See's Miss Honeywell and Coach Brackett in the stairwell as she is about to come down] Miss Honeywell, do you mind?
Honeywell: [Quietly but sarcastically] Do I mind what?
Balbricker: [as she starts down the stairs past them] Look at this. The two of you squirming around like a pair of eels in heat. It's a disgrace.
Honeywell: [Getting in her face] Yeah? Well it's certainly better than stomping and waddling around like a frilly hippopotamus, Beulah!
Balbricker: [Hissing] What did you call me?
Honeywell: Beulah. Beulah Ball-breaker.
Balbricker: [Yelling] Who do you think you're talking to?
Honeywell: [Voice slowly increasing in volume] Well, if I heard of herty-gerty, I would think I was talking to the fat lady in the circus, but as it stands I guess I'm talking to a bunch of bad news named Beulah, Beulah, BEULAH!
Coach Brakett: [Get's up] Look ladies...
Honeywell: [Both she and Balbricker push him back down; without even looking at him] You butt out!
Balbricker: Moral turpitude.
Balbricker: [Louder] Moral turpitude! Read your contract, Miss Honeywell! I'll have you fired for moral turpitude!
Honeywell: [as Balbricker continues down the stairs] Take your moral turpitude and stick up your old gazoo, Beulah!
Coach Brakett: [Stands up, concerned] Moral turpitude? Gee, I don't know, Lynn.
Honeywell: Oh, come on.
[Runs upstairs pulling him by his hand, making him stumble up with her]
Porky: [as the pig mobile pulls up behind the tow truck and they all get out, to Ted] I want those mosey little mothas arrested, and I mean like right now! Those boys just destroyed my night club.
Ted Jarvis: How'd they do that?
Porky: They've been coming in the last couple of weeks.
Ted Jarvis: Which ones?
Porky: [Points to Tim then Mickey] This one, and that little bastard back there!
Ted Jarvis: [Points to them himself] You mean this sixteen year old and this seventeen year old youngster were frequenting your establishment?
Sheriff Wallace: [Butts in] They've been coming in before! This ain't the first time, especially that little sun-of-a-bitch...
Porky: [Stops him, now uneasy] Look, we may have made a mistake. They're obviously youngsters.
Sheriff Wallace: What are you talking about, Pork?
Porky: [Quietly, emphasizing] They're youngsters!
Sheriff Wallace: [to Ted] No, look! Those boys just destroyed my station house! Destroyed two of my cars! I want them booked on felony charges of destruction of private property, and assault and battery!
Ted Jarvis: Now hold on, Sheriff.
Sheriff Wallace: "Hold on", my ass!
Ted Jarvis: [Brandishing his rifle] You're in *my* county now! I wonder what I could book you for.
[Looks over the car, then breaks one of the headlights with the butt of his rifle]
Mickey: [as everyone cheers and laughs] Get him, brother!
Ted Jarvis: [to Porky] Broken headlight. That's a $50 fine in Seward County.
Porky: [Pulls a $50 bill from his wad of cash] Got that right here.
[Ted then cocks his rifle and shoots the left front tire of the car, Porky is then seen clearing out his ear, then quietly to his brother]
Ted Jarvis: Blown tire.
Ted Jarvis: That's too bad.
[Everyone laughs, he then shoots the radiator and we hear the pig whistle horn die]
Ted Jarvis: Broken radiator. This car's a mess.
[More laughter from the crowd; he then reloads and aims at the hood ornament from his hip]
Meat: [Leading the cheers] Do it! Do it!
Porky: [Quietly throwing a fit] Daw shit!
Porky: Broken hood ornament. And questions?
Porky: [to Ted] Alright how much do you want?
Ted Jarvis: I'll let you off on the promise that you get your fat ass back across that county line, and the promise from your brother that all piccatilling that may have occurred tonight will be forgotten.
Sheriff Wallace: [to Ted] Why don't you stick it up your...
[Porky covers his mouth]
Porky: Promise him, for Christ sakes! Promise him!
Sheriff Wallace: [Removes Porky's hand] Yeah, I promise to shove my foot...
[Porky re-covers his mouth, then gets in his face]
Porky: Promise him, you asshole, or you'll be back shoveling the pig shit!
Sheriff Wallace: [Pulls his hand away again, then turns away disgusted, quietly] I promise.
Ted Jarvis: [Almost taunting him] What's that? I couldn't hear ya!
Sheriff Wallace: [Turns back, yelling] I said I promise, you mother...
[Porky covers his mouth once again, he removes it]
Sheriff Wallace: I promise.
Ted Jarvis: [to Porky] Alright, now get this car out of Seward County.
Porky: You blew away our engine and we have a flat tire. How?
Porky: [Pats him] Just put a little weight behind it. I'm sure you boys can manage that.
Porky: [Ted walks away, to his goons] Alright get your shoulders behind this thing.
[as they push the car back towards the county line, the celebration begins]