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Porky's (1982) Poster

(1982)

Quotes

Coach Brakett: [regarding Miss Honeywell] Oh boy, would I like to get next to that.

Coach Warren: Ah yes, Lassie.

Coach Brakett: Lassie?

Coach Warren: Patience my boy, patience.

Coach Brakett: Why do they call her Lassie?

Coach Warren: Why do you think?

Coach Brakett: I dunno.

Coach Warren: Awooooooo.

Coach Brakett: You callin' her a dog? That's angel food cake.

Coach Warren: Well, what can I tell ya?

Coach Brakett: You can tell me why they call her Lassie.

Coach Warren: Just get her up in the equipment room, and you'll find out. But beware of King Kong.

Balbricker: Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who...

Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker!

Balbricker: Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again. Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.

[pause]

Balbricker: Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Mr. Carter: Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal.

Balbricker: We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment. Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That

[pause]

Balbricker: tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.

Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... their private parts for an incriminating mole?

Balbricker: But Mr. Carter.

Coach Brakett: Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."

Tommy Turner: Jesus Christ! It's the mother lode.

Billy: I never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater.

Tommy Turner: This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot in the history of Florida.

Billy: [trying to warn Pee Wee about Cherry Forever] She's married to some big black stud and he's gonna cut your pecker off.

Tommy Turner: Yeah, I hear he's packing tweezers.

Wendy: [answering the phone behind the counter at the roadside diner] Deadbeats.

Pee Wee Morris: [into pay phone, disguising his voice] Hello. Hi. I'm lookin' for a friend of mine. He's s'posed to be there.

Wendy: Uh, what's his name?

Pee Wee Morris: His name's Michael Hunt... uh Mike, Mike. Yes, Mike.

Wendy: Mike Hunt? Okay, just hang on a minute.

[raising her voice to address the patrons]

Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here?

[Pee Wee laughs]

Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here?

[several patrons begin to snicker]

Wendy: Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?

[patrons begin to cackle uncontrollably]

Meat: Practically everybody in town, from what I hear.

Mr. Cavanaugh: Look's like I'm gonna make a man out of you yet, boy.

Tim: A man? If being a man means being what you are, I'd rather be queer.

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Tim: Anybody wanna go fly a kite with me tonight? I hear it's great weather for flying KITES! I wonder if there's any KITES around here we can fly!

Brian Schwartz: Hey listen, Cavanaugh. It's not kite, it's KIKE! K-I-K-E, "kike." You know, you're too stupid to even be a good bigot!

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Pee Wee Morris: GOD DAMN IT! WILL YOU MOVE IT, YOU LARD ASS?

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[in a high-pitched falsetto voice]

Tommy Turner: Hi I'm Paulie the Penis. And I just love to have fun. Ha Ha Ha.

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Pee Wee Morris: All I need is a watermelon and two jelly donuts!

Billy: That's it. I am not taking a shower with you.

[Billy and the other guys get up and leave]

Pee Wee Morris: Religious fanatics.

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Coach Brakett: That's angel food cake. You touch her and the Food and Drug Administration will get ya for fucking food.

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[introducing Cherry to the boys one by one]

Tommy Turner: And this is the *pride* of Angel Beach. Anthony Tuperello, affectionately known as *Meat*.

Cherry Forever: Oh, my God. The boy's deformed!

[laughter from the guys]

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Pee Wee Morris: [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.

[Everybody else laughs]

Tommy Turner: Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.

Mickey: He needs the junior size.

Brian Schwartz: [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.

Meat: [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?

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Brian Schwartz: When you're Jewish you either learn to fight, or you take a lotta shit. I don't like to take shit

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Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here? Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?

Meat: Everybody in town, from what I hear.

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Pee Wee Morris: Yeah, that's just how I like 'em!

Mickey: You like 'em as long as they ain't dead.

Pee Wee Morris: I don't care if they're dead as long as they ain't too cold.

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Coach Brakett: She's a virgin.

Coach Goodenough: Yeah, and the Pope's Jewish.

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Billy: Cherry, this is Pee Wee.

Cherry Forever: I'll say. What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?

[laughter from the other guys]

Cherry Forever: [to Billy] You know we'd better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in.

[more laughter in background]

Cherry Forever: [to Pee Wee] Save your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it.

Pee Wee Morris: [giggling] OK.

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Balbricker: [Balbricker has a strong grip on Tommy Turner's penis through the shower room wall]

Balbricker: I've got you *NOW*, TOMMY TURNER! And I'm taking you to the principal! Somebody get me the principal! Mr. Carter! Somebody get me the principal!

Balbricker: [Tommy is struggling to get free] You disgusting, little, filthy, *pervert*!

[Tommy finally gets free and gets out of there]

Balbricker: [through the wall] You *freak*! You filthy little pervert. I know you're in there. You dirty little *dickhead*!

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Tommy Turner: [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off.

Tim: Wait. What's this bullshit?

Billy: She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD.

Steve: How's she going to tell that by looking at us?

Tommy Turner: She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor.

Tim: Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?

[murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys]

Billy: Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?

Pee Wee Morris: Okay, I'm ready!

[they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores]

Pee Wee Morris: I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.

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Sheriff Wallace: [Sheriff Wallace, Porky's brother, arrives with his storm troopers to catch Mickey, Tommy, Meat, Tim and Pee Wee in the act] Hold it! Hold it!

[the Sheriff sees Pee Wee crawling]

Sheriff Wallace: Ya better fuckin' freeze, mister! What's goin' on here, Pork?

Porky: I was givin' the old place an enema and this pile of shit come floatin' up to the surface.

Pee Wee Morris: Hey!

Sheriff Wallace: [to Pee Wee] Shut up, boy! You just shut up.

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Mickey: Uh, barkeep, I'd like to speak with Porky.

Bartender: Porky's busy.

Mickey: Yeah, well he ain't too busy for what I want. I want to pay for some pussy.

Bartender: Pay me.

Mickey: [Firmly] I want to talk to Porky.

Bartender: [Shrugs] Okay, if that's what you want.

[Walks off laughing softly]

Mickey: [to the gang] See? You just got to show them who's boss.

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Tommy Turner: Porky is a badass redneck!

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Tim: [pushing Brian out of his father's site and taking his place] Get outta here.

Mr. Cavanaugh: What?

Tim: You heard what I said.

Mr. Cavanaugh: Well, who ya talking to, boy?

Tim: [relaxing] Trash. Pure trash.

Mr. Cavanaugh: Now, son, that's no way to talk to your pa.

Tim: [looks back at everyone else watching then back at him] You know, I really wish you hadn't said that, because you don't know how humiliating it is to have anyone even know you're my pa.

[get's smacked hard across the face. Meat is now trying to get at Tim's father but is being held back by everyone. Yelling back to Meat]

Tim: Stay out of this!

[back to his father]

Tim: You make sure you're finished, because this is going to be the last time you ever lay a hand on me again, you SON OF A BITCH!

[is taken up against the wall and smacked repeatedly]

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Porky: Who's asking to see me?

Mickey: Mr. Porky, I am.

Porky: Whatta you want?

Mickey: Well, my friends and I would like to party with five of your girls upstairs in Porky's Pen.

Porky: You five of my piglets up in the pen? For how long?

Mickey: An hour.

Porky: A whole hour. What are you spending, bottle caps?

Mickey: No, a hundred dollars.

Porky: Ooh. A hundred dollars, for five ladies.

[pause]

Porky: Go home, snot nose.

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[Porky's bar & strip joint has just been sunk in the swamp by the gang]

Porky: [horrified] It's gone. Porky's is gone.

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[the Angel Beach gang cheers after sinking Porky's into the swamp]

Porky: [furious] You're dead, you sons of bitches. I'm gonna get ya.

[the teens escape in the tow truck with Meat grabbing his crotch]

Porky: I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands!

[to his minions]

Porky: Get that Pigmobile out here! You're gonna die! I'm coming after ya! You're all dead! I'm gonna break your fuckin' necks myself!

[Pee Wee detonates a bridge to slow Porky down]

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Billy: All right. Now remember, any sign of guns and we're gone, okay?

[Porky, with a couple of bouncers, storms out the strip joint holding a bat]

Pee Wee Morris: Yo, Billy.

Porky: Where are these five little virgins who think they reached manhood? You wanna tangle ass with me? Come up here, you sawed-off punk! I'll educate ya! I'll wrap this right around your damn neck! Come on, move it!

Billy: [taunts Porky] Boy, boy, Porky. You know, we're really scared. I guess we better go now.

Porky: You better be. Go on, get your ass on home!

Billy: I hope shit floats!

Porky: You'll float if I ever catch you around here again, you little shit!

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[Porky, his bouncers, the bartender, and one of his strippers are chatting amongst themselves; Billy enters the bar]

Billy: [yells] Soo-ee! Soo! Soo-soo-soo-ee!

Bartender: What the hell is that?

Billy: I wanna see Porky.

Bartender: Who wants to see Porky?

Billy: Tell him the boys from Angel Beach are here. Tell him to bring the best he's got and meet us in the parking lot. Now!

[Porky and the gang laughs as Billy leaves the bar]

Bartender: Do you believe that? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[sing-songy]

Bartender: Oh, Porky! The boys from Angel Beach are here!

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[One of Sheriff Wallace's deputies accidentally drives his squad car in reverse into the swamp, wrecking the office in the process, despite being in Drive gear; Sheriff Wallace jumps into the swamp]

Sheriff Wallace: Don't you sons-of-bitches know the difference between drive and reverse?

Deputy no. 1: I did have it in drive, Boss!

Sheriff Wallace: Get me outta here.

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[the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks]

Billy: The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.

Tommy Turner: This is just the kind of thing you write off.

Pee Wee Morris: [hands Tommy the receipt] Here you go.

Tommy Turner: Again?

Pee Wee Morris: I got it last time.

Tommy Turner: [pays the waitress] Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.

Mickey: I'm going back to get that pig.

Meat: Yeah right, Mick.

Mickey: [throws his hamburger in a fit] Yeah, Meat!

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Sheriff Wallace: You checked that car out?

Deputy no. 1: Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss.

Sheriff Wallace: Come on, shit for brains!

[the Sheriff and his deputies get into the second car and attempt to catch the tow truck, but all four of the wheels fall off thanks to Tim unscrewing the bolts]

Sheriff Wallace: [mocking] "Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss."

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Sheriff Wallace: Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talin' rectums.

[Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey]

Sheriff Wallace: Where's your car, boy?

Mickey: [points to his Chevy pick-up truck] Right there.

Sheriff Wallace: You from Seward County?

Mickey: Yeah.

Sheriff Wallace: Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.

Mickey: I don't have a busted headlight.

Sheriff Wallace: Don't have a busted headlight?

[the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs]

Mickey: [shocked] Shit!

Sheriff Wallace: That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!

Tommy Turner: I've got fifteen bucks.

Pee Wee Morris: I've got-I've got five.

Sheriff Wallace: You got five, you got fifteen, huh?

Meat: I've got twelve.

Tim: I think I got three.

Porky: [to his goons] Watch this.

[the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight]

Mickey: [grows angry] Goddamn it!

[Porky and his goons laughing]

Sheriff Wallace: You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?

Mickey: I've got ten.

Sheriff Wallace: Give it to me! Give me all you got.

[the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway]

Sheriff Wallace: Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?

Porky: Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.

Sheriff Wallace: You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Come on!

[the boys pile up in Mickey's truck]

Sheriff Wallace: Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Go on home now.

Porky: [to his goons] I don't think they'll be comin' back.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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