P'tang, Yang, Kipperbang. (1982 TV Movie)
[in bed, praying as he wakes up from an erotic dream about Ann]
Alan: Please God. Let it be today. Somehow, let it come true today. I know Thursdays are difficult for you, what with the girls having double Domestic Science while we're in double PT. But it's just somehow... I don't think I can last out another day. And in return I promise, I hereby solemnly promise that I won't even *think* about... the other things. Well, *try* not to think about the other things. I didn't all day yesterday, or last night when I got into bed. And I'm not now, honest to God, God.
[he takes his hands out from under the bedclothes to prove that he's not been masturbating]
Alan: Look, no hands. Please God. Today or tomorrow - or early next week at the latest, weather permitting. Just *one* kiss. One'll do. Amen. And I'll never ask for anything again. Promise.
Alan: Bums are nothing really - everyone's got a bum. Always have had - they're nothing to be ashamed of. Dicks aren't either - everyone's got a dick. It's only the human torso. Tits included - I mean they're just for feeding babies with, deep down, not for bouncing about. The same goes for getting a feel. Kissing's different. A kiss is...
Tommy: Girls like it as well, you know.
Alan: Like what?
Tommy: What boys like... and some of them bloody love it.
Alan: I'm not talking about just French girls.
Tommy: [knowingly] Aye, I'm not either.
[as he is walking to school, Alan flamboyantly bowls an imaginary cricket ball, and pulls a muscle. As he hops around in agony he sees two workmen watching him]
Alan: Aaaargh! It's cramp! Bloody hell-fire and scrotums.
Road Worker: Millions of pounds on education.
Road Worker: It'll be with him living under the shadow of the Bomb, I expect.
[Alan has finally kissed Ann]
John Arlott - Cricket Commentator: And Duckworth has done it. England have won the most dramatic victory in the history of cricket. The entire crowd - and I'll wager the entire nation - rises to its feet in homage to Quack-Quack Duckworth who went to the wicket a boy... and came back a man.
[the boys are playing an impromptu game of cricket on waste ground next to the canal. Alan hits the ball for six... into the canal]
Boy: You stupid bugger.
Geoffrey: It's in the bloody canal, you berk. If it sinks, you're out.
Abbo: [laconically] We'll have to move that canal!
[Ann and Geoffrey are saying their farewells as they are about to go home in different directions]
Geoffrey: [romantically] Mañana.
Ann: [romantically] Mañana.
[Alan looks nauseated at this display of affection]
[Abbo and Shaz are helping Alan learn his lines. They come to the line where Alan's character kisses Ann's character]
Alan: [quoting line from play] "I have seen the light of truth in what's happened and the light of love in your fiancée's eyes - love for me."
Abbo: Then you stride over to her, take her in your arms and... bleeeeugh!
[Abbo pretends to vomit]
Shaz: Puke and vomitudinosty!
Abbo: Spewosity upthrow!
Alan: [echoing Ann's comment to him earlier] That's stupid, that. Long drivel words that don't mean anything.
[Alan walks off in disgust]
Shaz: He's getting more like my Auntie Phyllis every day.
Abbo: It's the strain of learning his lines.
Shaz: Either that or he's been overdoing it.
[Abbo looks horrified]
Abbo: Overdoing it can't make you go like you Auntie Phyllis, can it?