My Favorite Year (1982)
Alan Swann: Our audiences are great.
Alan Swann: Audience? What audience? Audience?
Benjy Stone: You knew there was an audience. What did you think those seats were for?
Alan Swann: I haven't performed in front of an audience in 28 years! Audience? I played a butler. I had one line! I forgot it.
Benjy Stone: Don't worry, this is gonna be easy.
Alan Swann: For you, maybe. Not for me. I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!
[Alan Swann has blundered into the wrong restroom]
Lil: This is for ladies only!
Alan Swann: [unzipping fly] So is *this*, ma'am, but every now and then I have to run a little water through it.
Uncle Morty: So, Mr. Swann, now that we sat nice, broke bread together, shared a glass of wine, I feel I know you a little.
Swann: Morty, I feel I know you even better.
Uncle Morty: Good! Then you won't mind if I ask you a question?
Benjy Stone: Uncle Morty!
Uncle Morty: What are you worried? It's not personal. What was I - born in Minsk or Pinsk? I know my way around.
Swann: Morty, ask your question.
Uncle Morty: That paternity rap a couple of years ago - did you shtupp her? Did you go all the way? What? What?
Swann: You see, people like me wear targets. I'm blamed for a lot of things I had absolutely nothing to do with. On the other hand, because of who I am, I get away with murder in other areas. I suppose it all balances out in the end.
Belle: Does it really, Swannee?
Benjy Stone: Ma, he's an actor, not a river.
Alan Swann: Stone... I'm afraid. I'm afraid. That's why I couldn't get out of the car to see my Tess, my child.
Benjy Stone: Alan Swann, afraid? The Defender of the Crown? Captain from Tortuga? The Last Knight of the Round Table?
Alan Swann: Those are movies, damn you! Look at me! I'm flesh and blood, life-size, no larger! I'm not that silly God-damned hero! I never was!
Benjy Stone: To *me* you were! Whoever you were in those movies, those silly goddamn heroes meant a lot to *me*! What does it matter if it was an illusion? It worked! So don't tell me this is you life-size. I can't use you life-size. I need Alan Swanns as big as I can get them! And let me tell you something: you couldn't have convinced me the way you did unless somewhere in you you *had* that courage! Nobody's that good an actor! You *are* that silly goddamn hero!
Swann: Comedy is such a mystery to me. I feel the way Edmund Kean did.
Benjy Stone: The great English actor?
Swann: Mmm. On his death bed, Kean was asked how he felt. He answered, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."
Alan Swann: Rookie, your Meatloaf Mindanao was superb!
Rookie Carroca: Thanks. That takes two days to prepare, you know.
Alan Swann: Really! Tell me, what was that rather pungent taste?
Rookie Carroca: Parrot!
[someone spits up and Aunt Sadie swoons; the parrot cage is empty]
Rookie Carroca: And they're not easy to work with. They put up some squawk.
Alan Swann: I can imagine!
Benjy Stone: Bring Alan Swann to Brooklyn?
Belle: Well, why not? What are you ashamed of?
Benjy Stone: Everything!
K.C.: Benjamin, we're in the middle of an interesting conversation, here.
Benjy Stone: Oh, I bet it's *real* interesting. What's the subject of this *interesting* conversation?
Alan Swann: [gazing deep into K.C's eyes] These eyes. They're Merle Oberon's eyes.
Benjy Stone: Merle Oberon's! Oh, and what's Merle doing for eyes? Using Katharine Hepburn's?
[Alan Swann pours himself a drink]
Benjy Stone: Mr. Swann, I was supposed to watch you, remember?
Swann: Good. Watch this.
[Pours another drink]
[an obviously drunken Swann meets the writing staff]
Sy: He's plastered!
Alan Swann: So are some of the finest erections in Europe.
Benjy Stone: Katherine, Jews know two things: suffering and where to find *great* Chinese food.
Swann: What's in a name? A rose by any other name would wither and die.
Leo Silver: [reading from a newspaper] "To the question, 'What were you doing naked in Central Park, in Bethesda Fountain, at 3 in the morning?' Swann replied, 'The back stroke.'" Now, is this your idea of watching him, Benji?
Benjy Stone: The police are treating it like a parking ticket. It's no big deal.
Sy: No big deal? We've got kids watching this show. We're talkin' generations to come, here! We're discussin' morals, here!
Alice Miller: [for Herb] You're not qualified to discuss morals, Sy.
Sy: Up your hole with a Mello Roll, Alice! And yours too, Herb!
Stockbroker #1: [looking over the edge of the balcony] I think Alan Swann is beneath us!
Stockbroker #2: Of course he's beneath us. He's an actor!
Stockbroker #1: No! I think Alan Swann is beneath us right now!
Alan Swann: Who is that gorgeous-looking creature over there?
Maitre d': Oh, no, Mr. Swann. This is exactly the way it started last time.
Alan Swann: In that case, we'll just order dinner... for now.
Sy: Leo, it gets me sick to think we gotta put up with some washed-up jaboni who's gonna be running around Central Park with his schlong hangin' out!
Alan Swann: My dear fellow, what I choose to do with my schlong is my business.
Sy: [who didn't know Swann had entered] How's business?
Alan Swann: Never better.
K.C.: Do you think there are funny people and not-funny people?
Benjy Stone: Yes. Definitely. On the funny side there are the Marx Brothers, except Zeppo; the Ritz Brothers, no exceptions; both Laurel *and* Hardy; and Woody Woodpecker. On the unfunny side there's anybody who has ever played the accordion professionally.
Belle: I behalf of everyone here, I would like to welcome you to our humble chapeau!
Benjy Stone: Two years at the Sorbonne, she still gets it wrong.
Alan Swann: We'll be two for dinner. Telephone the Stork Club.
Alfi: You sure you mean the Stork Club, Mr. Swann?
Alan Swann: Certainly. It's been a year and a half. Surely they've repaired the wall of the bandstand by now.
[Handing Benjy a glass]
Alan Swann: Stone, you can watch me or you can join me. One of them is more fun.
Alan Swann: [a very drunken Stone and Swann looking down from the roof at an apartment balcony below] Now, all we have to do is get from here - to there.
Benjy Stone: It won't work!
Alan Swann: It worked perfectly well in "A Slight Case of Divorce"!
Benjy Stone: That was a movie! This is real life!
Alan Swann: What is the difference?
Sy: California? You can't write comedy in California! It's not depressing enough!
Belle: Something to drink before dinner?
Swann: Some soda water.
Belle: [yelling into the kitchen] Rookie, a glass of seltzer!
Rookie Carroca: [yelling back] Pick it up!
King Kaiser: They're not serving tongue at lunch today, are they Leo? No tongue on show day. Twice they served tongue on show day, twice the opening sketch died... No tongue, get it? No tongue. Tongue, death...
Swann: [watching a movie] Oh, good God! It's Renfield! I thought he was dead!
[Renfield's character "dies" on screen]
Swann: Oh, yes! So he is!
Sy: Benjy, you want to see movies, get a job as an usher. The rest of us are here to write professional show-business comedy!
Herb Lee: [whispers to Alice]
Alice Miller: [to Sy, for Herb] In your case, semi-professional.
King Kaiser: I don't know. He *is* a legend. One of the biggest stars ever. He's one of a kind. A guy like this is irreplaceable. Replace him, Leo.
Alan Swann: Stone, women love to be intrigued. They enjoy unraveling the mystery that is man, but you must allow them the freedom to discover you.
Benjy Stone: Is that what you do?
Alan Swann: No. I don't have that luxury. The women who are interested in me know exactly who I am and what they want, and nine times out of ten, they get it.
Benjy Stone: That's some curse.
Alan Swann: You'd be surprised. You see, no matter what I do, I can never fulfill their expectations.
Scalfoni: Scalfoni, 1R. You're the best!
Swann: How did you get into the building?
Scalfoni: I'm the Super.
Swann: [waking up] What is the time?
girl in bed: I don't know. Don't you have a watch?
Swann: No. I'm not allowed to wear a watch.
girl in bed: Why not?
Swann: I don't trust them.
girl in bed: Why?
Swann: One hand is shorter than the other.
King Kaiser: You look real nice today, Alice. Did you get those shoes I sent you?
Alice Miller: Oh yeah.
King Kaiser: Why did you send them back?
Alice Miller: They were the wrong size. And they were used.
Benjy Stone: Doesn't Sy's office take on a whole different feeling at night?
K.C.: Yeah, it gets worse.
Benjy Stone: Mr. Swann, I think I'm going to be unwell.
Swann: Stone, ladies are unwell. Gentlemen vomit.
Benjy Stone: Mm-hm.
Swann: [to a random gentleman] Alfredo, you needn't wait. We shan't need the car any more. We're going to throw up in the park and then walk home.
Benjy Stone: Why did you marry so many of them?
Swann: Stone, I didn't marry any of them. They - married me.
Benjy Stone: [First lines] 1954. You don't get years like that anymore. It was my favorite year.
Benjy Stone: In 1954, a Buick was a Buick. It didn't look like a Chevy, which looks like a Pontiac, which you can't tell a part from an Olds. Like today.
Sy: You call what Swann does acting? That's not acting. Its kissing and jumping and drinking and humping!
Sy: Swann's never going to show up anyhow.
Alice Miller: We'll find him, Sy.
Benjy Stone: What happened?
Alice Miller: He landed fine last night. That much we know.
Benjy Stone: So where is he?
Sy: Where else? Drinking and humping!
King Kaiser: Who are you to talk to me like that you little Jiminy Cricket pest bastard!
King Kaiser: Swann better be at every rehearsal, sober, or it's your ass. You understand? Now, see Sy, this kid's got balls.
Sy: A week's salary, Swann takes a dive. Hey, Swann dive! Bam-Boom!
Benjy Stone: You're on!
Swann: [Wakes up, stands up] Double the lad's bet for me, you toad!
Swann: We'll talk over dinner.
Benjy Stone: Me? You? The Stork Club?
Swann: Well, after that rather eloquent speech you made earlier this morning, I didn't think you'd mind having dinner with me.
Benjy Stone: You heard that? But, you were out?
Swann: There's out and there's out.
K.C.: If there's anything you need, I can take care of it for you.
K.C.: Within reason.
Swann: Well, let's begin with some tea and see where that leads us.
Belle: Before your beloved father passed away - and eventually died, he said to me, "Belle, after I go, get someone to be with. Someone nice. A pal."
Benjy Stone: So you went out and found a Filipino batamweight named Rookie Carroca?
Swann: Stone, I want you to know that this morning I had absolutely no idea I was in the process of inserting myself into an arrangement that already existed between you and Miss Downing.
Benjy Stone: Would it have made any difference?
Swann: Are you in love with the girl?
Benjy Stone: I think I am. But, I don't know what she wants.
Swann: Romance, Stone. That's the only thing that you can be sure they all want.
Benjy Stone: Okay, here we go. These are all dim sum - Chinese dumplings. These are pan fried, those are steamed - they're good just with vinegar. Chili sauce - stay away from this, baby. A couple of drops of this and you're tongue dials the fire department.
Benjy Stone: Dim sum are too hard to eat with chopsticks. Don't make yourself crazy.
Benjy Stone: First rule: never tell a joke sitting down. You have to be on your feet - and use your hands: This guy walks into a Psychiatrist's office. He has a duck on his head. The Psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."
K.C.: [Kiss] I guess this is the kissing portion of the evening.
Swann: This is the most fun and the hardest work I've done since the world was young.
Swann: Our needs must take leave of you, for Stone and I journey to dine in some far off land called Brooklyn.
Benjy Stone: Mr. Swann, may I present my mother: Mrs. Belle Mae Steinberg Carroca of Brooklyn, New York and Miami Beach, Florida for two weeks, each and every winter.
Benjy Stone: Ma...
Benjy Stone: It's not Al. If I bring Capone or Jolson, then it's Al.
Uncle Morty: Jolson's coming?
Benjy Stone: Mr. Swann, may I tell you something? Benjy Stone is not who he seems to be.
Swann: Who is Stone, who is?
Benjy Stone: This is live television.
Swann: Live? Live? What does live mean?
Benjy Stone: It means the exact moment your cavorting and leaping around that stage over there, 20 million people are seeing it.
Swann: What a minute. What a minute!
Benjy Stone: Swann, you're white.
Swann: You mean it all goes into the camera lens and then just spills out into people's houses?
Benjy Stone: Yeah.
Swann: Why is it nobody had the goodness to explain this to me before?