Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
Rigby Reardon: What's he paying you boys? I'll double it and we'll beat the shit out of HIM.
Rigby Reardon: All dames are alike: they reach down your throat so they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, and they step on 'em with their high heels, they spit on it, shove it in the oven and they cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and they serve it to you. And they expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it's delicious."
Rigby Reardon: I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I'd solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.
Charles Laughton: We know who you are, Mr. Rigby.
Rigby Reardon: I'm interested. Who am I?
Charles Laughton: You could be a guy who collects 10,000 dollars, just to leave this stinking town.
Rigby Reardon: I could, could I?
Charles Laughton: You know who I could be?
Rigby Reardon: The Hunchback of Notre-Dame?
Charles Laughton: I can be the guy who hands you them 10,000 dollars. 10,000 dollars, me to you, just like that.
Rigby Reardon: Sorry, but my price for leaving stinking towns is 11,500 and a kiss on the lips from Carmen Miranda. Pass it on to Them.
Rigby Reardon: If you want me to investigate your father's death, I get ten dollars a day - plus expenses.
Juliet Forrest: Will two hundred dollars be enough in advance, Mr Reardon?
Rigby Reardon: Two hundred, I'd shoot my grandmother.
Juliet Forrest: That won't be neccessary.
Rigby Reardon: Never can tell. In my last case, I had to throw my own brother out of an airplane.
Juliet Forrest: Could I be your Reinemachefrau?
Field Marshall Von Kluck: Ja, you could, you could be zat.
Rigby Reardon: What's that? What is it?
Juliet Forrest: Tell him what it means - Reinemachefrau.
Field Marshall Von Kluck: Reinemachefrau! It means she could be my cleaning woman.
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] There's one thing I liked about Monica... the words "I can't" weren't in her vocabulary.
Rigby Reardon: Monica, I want you to do something for me.
Monica: I can't.
Rigby Reardon: I guess she'd added them since the last time I'd seen her.
Jimmie Sue's Father: Don't go near my daughter again. Don't try to see her. Don't write her and don't phone her.
Rigby Reardon: Can I use her underwear to make soup?
Juliette Forrest: But what does "FOC" mean?
Rigby Reardon: It's a slang word. It's when a man and a woman are in love, the man puts his...
Juliette Forrest: No, no. It's written here: "F. O. C."
[In Rigby's office]
Juliet Forrest: If you need me, just call. You know how to dial, don't you? You just put your finger in the hole and make tiny little circles.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: It is customary in zese situations for ze developer of ze plan to describe it.
Rigby Reardon: I beg your pardon. It's also customary for the private eye to tell how he figured it out.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: No, it is my right! We were able to dupe Dr. Forrest by posing as a humanitarian organization who planned to wipe out hunger, by ageing cheese faster.
Rigby Reardon: But when your father finally saw what they were doing, he...
- he started to assemble lists of our agents...
- and seemed about to go to the FBI.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: So we were obliged to kidnap him, drug him and bring him...
- here! First faking his death so there'd be no investigation.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: But vile testing ze mold on a small island nearby...
- the cruise ship "Immer Essen" passed by. Some of the passengers saw the tiny island dissolve.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: Zey were zerfore labeled "enemies" because of what zey haf seen. We had Walter Neff cancel all further tours and our...
- friends systematically began to eliminate everyone who was on that cruise ship!
Field Marshal Von Kluck: Schweinhund!
Rigby Reardon: Jerk!
Rigby Reardon: When I arrived in Carlotta, I thought of the words Marlowe had said to me over fifteen years ago: Dead men don't wear plaid. Huh. Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.
Rigby Reardon: Get your sister Leona for me.
Juliet Forrest: All right. I'm afraid she may not be very much help. She's very disturbed.
Rigby Reardon: How disturbed?
Juliet Forrest: She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac. Doctors think she may be faking.
Rigby Reardon: I'll know after one word if she's faking.
Leona: [attending the telephone] Hello?
Rigby Reardon: [to Juliet] She's faking.
Rigby Reardon: [on the phone] Hi. It's me, Rigby. Sorry, Hot Legs, I've been busy. Look, you sashay over to your New York Times file and read me what's on page one, column six of the August 2nd issue... maybe I'll wine and dine you some night soon. I'll wait.
Juliet Forrest: You'd wine and dine her for information?
Rigby Reardon: Her? Him.
Rigby Reardon: [on the phone] Mrs. Hastings?
Rigby Reardon: My name's Reardon. Sorry to hear your father's passed on.
Leona: No, he hasn't. He won't be back till Sunday.
Rigby Reardon: Sunday? You don't understand, Mrs. Hastings. I'm investigating your father's death.
Leona: Well, that's absurd! My father called me from Chicago tonight. He never mentioned a word!
Rigby Reardon: Maybe it slipped his mind. Look, uh, your father is dead, Mrs. Hastings. Your sister Juliet feels his death wasn't an accident.
Leona: What are you talking about? Why are you calling me like this? I had a long talk with him just a little while ago. He told me some terrible things about you.
Rigby Reardon: Listen, you phony fruitcake!
Rigby Reardon: Sorry I called you a fruitcake, Mrs. Hastings. It's just that I don't have time to listen to...
Leona: [interrupting] All right, don't listen! Who cares?
[She slams the phone down]
Rigby Reardon: [to Juliet] Your sister has a lot to learn about phone courtesy.
Rigby Reardon: Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you.
[at Juliet's house after Rigby has been shot the first time]
Rigby Reardon: I'd like to see Ms. Forrest.
Butler: Who shall I say is calling?
Rigby Reardon: Rigby Reardon, tell her I've been shot.
Butler: Very good, sir. May I tell her by whom?
Rigby Reardon: No, I don't know myself.
Butler: Are you all right? You look as though you're going to faint.
Rigby Reardon: Faint? Never... Catch me.
[Rigby Reardon falls on the floor, fainting]
Butler: Sorry, I'm a Butler, not a catcher.
Cary Grant: You don't smoke, do you?
Rigby Reardon: No, I have tuberculosis.
Cary Grant: Oh, thank heaven for that.
Rigby Reardon: [Gasping] What are you... doing?
Juliet Forrest: Adjusting your willie. When you fell through the window it shifted out of whack.
Rigby Reardon: Thanks.
Juliet Forrest: You're welcome.
Rigby Reardon: [narrating] I hadn't had my willie adjusted like that in a long time, especially without having to beg.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Be careful of the, uh, fat one who sweats a lot.
Rigby Reardon: What about Kitty Collins?
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: She doesn't sweat as much, but she's just as dangerous.
Juliet Forrest: Sometimes I feel I would like to...
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] You'd like to what? Kiss me? Yeah, that would be nice. It would give me a chance to tell her I was starting to feel something for her, too. Something warm and squishy. But how could I explain that a man in my business can't take on a wife, have a bunch of kids?
Juliet Forrest: We wouldn't have to have kids.
Rigby Reardon: [surprised] What?
Rigby Reardon: [dressed as Jarrett's mother] What do you think?
Juliet Forrest: I think you enjoy dressing up as a woman.
Rigby Reardon: [dressed as an old lady] The guard looks suspicious. Act like I'm your ma.
Captain Jarrett: Sure.
Rigby Reardon: Pretend I'm crying. You comfort me.
Captain Jarrett: Relax, Ma.
Rigby Reardon: Say something like, uh, "No, no, Ma. Look, listen to me."
Captain Jarrett: No, no, Ma. Look, listen to me.
Rigby Reardon: That was good. Real good.
Rigby Reardon: [picking up the phone] Juliet?
Philip Marlowe: This is Alan.
Rigby Reardon: Alan? Come on, Marlowe, no games.
Philip Marlowe: I never could fool you, could I?
Rigby Reardon: [drugged] Let's go out dancing! You put on your black dress, and I'll go shave my tongue.
Rigby Reardon: My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
Philip Marlowe: Can you get a map of South America?
Rigby Reardon: Yeah. You got something?
Philip Marlowe: Look up Peru.
Rigby Reardon: Got it!
Philip Marlowe: There's a little town on the coast called Paita. Tell me where it is.
Rigby Reardon: It's right next to a tiny island called - son of a gun! Carlotta! Damn. It's not a woman's name, it's a place.
Rigby Reardon: Juliet! Those dirty bastards! Beating up a woman. They even knocked your breasts out of whack.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Are you wearing pajamas? Senor, I'll help you take them off.
Rigby Reardon: I don't need help with my pajamas!
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Stop! Now.
Rigby Reardon: See? Carlos!
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Don't worry about your pajamas, senor. I'll take care of them.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Out of the way! We're chasing a killer! Everybody, stand back! He's with me. Coming through!
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: [mumbling with pajamas in his mouth] Coming through. Coming through.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Senor. Cuidado, senor. Cuidado.
Rigby Reardon: Stand back! Cuidado.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Senor, your pajamas!
Rigby Reardon: Forget the pajamas!
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: [gun shot]
Rigby Reardon: Are you all right, Carlos?
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: It's all right. It's just a bullet. My wife Carmelita will suck it out. Go ahead. And don't worry about your pajamas. I'll take care of them!
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Senor Reardon, when will you be leaving Carlotta?
Rigby Reardon: Next plane out, Carlos.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Aha! That give me four hours to wash and press your pajamas.
Rigby Reardon: No thanks, Carlos. I don't think I'll be needing my pajamas anymore.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: What a guy!
Rigby Reardon: [in anguish after being shot in the EXACT same place for the second time] This is never going to heal!
Rigby Reardon: [drugged] What do you know about a plane that's arrived with a bunch of Germermans on it? Germerm... Germans. Germermans. There's a plane with mermans on it. The plane's in town. Ethel Merman came in on it. Wanna go see Ethel Merman with me? I'll buy two tickets. Let me get on my pajamas, I'll be ready to go.
Rigby Reardon: I'd done some brilliant things in my time. Asking Kitty Collins to mix me a drink wasn't one of them.
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over while kisses Juliet] Her lips were warm, and my arm wasn't the only thing that was throbbing. Our hearts were, too. My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face... then slowly move her to the next room, maneuver her next to the bed... marry her, and start the whoopee machine. My plan was working fine until...
Rigby Reardon: Agh! You stuck your finger in my bullet hole!
Rigby Reardon: Hello, Marlowe. Dammit. You didn't do what I told ya. I hate that dumb way of wearing your shirt buttoned with no tie. Let me get you a tie.
[grabs a tie]
Rigby Reardon: Here. This one's blue, but you can wear it with brown.
Philip Marlowe: You annoy me.
Rigby Reardon: I annoy you? You come in here with no tie... Are you drunk? How many have you had?
Philip Marlowe: One martini.
Field Marshall Von Kluck: [to his Nazi minions] Cowards! Fools! I'll do it myself!
[He runs over to throw the lever that will launch the cheese mold bombs on America]
Rigby Reardon: Sorry, pal, you're through!
[He fires his gun and shoots Von Kluck in the arm]
Field Marshall Von Kluck: Not quite!
[He throws one of the five levers and runs to the map of the United States which is spread out on the table. Reardon throws an object at the lever and reverses it, as Von Kluck collapses over the map, part of which is beginning to dissolve]
Field Marshall Von Kluck: At least ve got Terre Haute, Indiana!
Rigby Reardon: Damn. And they were just about to get a public library.
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] So there it was: the Carlotta mystery all wrapped up in a neat little bundle. As I stood there kissing Juliet, I thought of nothing but hanging up my gun and spending the rest of my days in that ivy-covered cottage. Little did I realize that, less than a year later, she and I would have an even more exciting adventure - which is coming soon to your neighborhood theater... with a possible nude scene by Juliet.
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] Was she real? There was only one way to find out. But I remembered Marlowe's words.
Rigby Reardon: [a picture frame on the wall reads "Don't Fall in Love with a Client. Marlowe"] What the hell does Marlowe know?
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] She was real, all right.
Juliet Forrest: What are you doing?
Rigby Reardon: Adjusting your breasts. You fainted and they... shifted all outta whack. There.
Juliet Forrest: Thank you.
Rigby Reardon: You're welcome.
Rigby Reardon: I guess to be a really good exterminator, you have to enjoy killing things.
Hired Gun: Yeah.
Rigby Reardon: And I brought you a puppy, something you never had as a boy.
Jimmie Sue's Father: Now get out!
Rigby Reardon: [lifts the dog] Come on, Ramon.
Rigby Reardon: You don't deserve a puppy.
Jimmie Sue's Father: Wait! Pick that up.
Rigby Reardon: But it's all soft and steamy.
Jimmie Sue's Father: Pick that up!
Rigby Reardon: You're a sick man, Altfeld. You can make me pick up dog dirt, but you can't stop me from seeing Jimmi Sue.
[Reardon enters Dr. Forrest's rented office through a door that has an address number "2" plaque]
Rigby Reardon: I had no trouble finding Dr. Forrest's cheese lab. It smelled like the number on the door.
[Reardon has dressed up as a blonde woman and gone to a grocery store to find Neff, who allegedly hunts for blondes there every Thursday]
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] Neff's favorite hunting ground was Jerry's Market on Melrose. I spotted him right away and sidled down the aisle opposite him. I was wearing a special perfume called Fondle Me. Its aroma drew Neff to me like fat to a mother-in-law. He was a lady's man, all right. He made me feel beautiful, alive. He asked me up to his place, and I didn't play hard to get.
[Cut to archive footage of Fred MacMurray passionately kissing a blonde]
Rigby Reardon: The people who brought you The Jerk, try and make it up to you.
Rigby Reardon: Would you like a puppy?
Puppy Secretary: I'd love a dog!
Rigby Reardon: And here's something for you
Duty Secretary: Thank you!... EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Rigby Reardon: I'm working on an important case. It's dangerous, and you'll probably be killed. But if you love me, you'll do it.
Jimmie Sue: Yes, I do love you.
Rigby Reardon: And I love you. And I mean that more than anything I've ever said in my life.
Rigby Reardon: The paper said you were hit in the head by a flying wrench in the machine shop. Friends of Carlotta are after you because you know too much.
Captain Jarrett: I see what you mean.
Rigby Reardon: So the flying wrench was no accident.
Captain Jarrett: For a minute I thought it was.
Rigby Reardon: Something like that may happen again, so...