Nathan Grantham: [beginning of a flashback sequence] Where's... my cake? I... want... my... cake! Where's my cake, Bedelia? Where's my Father's Day cake? I want my cake you dirty BITCH! I'm going to have it!
Nathan Grantham: [Nathan clacking his cane, bellowing] BEDELIA! It's Father's Day! Where's my cake? You promised me my cake! Bedelia, I'm your father and you're supposed to be taking care of me!
Bedelia Grantham: [distressed, almost driven to the point of madness] I DON'T HEAR YOU! I SAID I DON'T HEAR YOU!
Nathan Grantham: BEDELIA, YOU BITCH! What do you think I've got you here for? You're just like all the others - you're nothing but a bunch of VULTURES!
[Bedelia is in a highly distressed state, almost driven to the point of madness now]
Nathan Grantham: [still clacking his cane, the clacking sound has been slowly intensifying] BEDELIA! WHERE'S MY FATHER'S DAY CAKE?
Bedelia Grantham: [Bedelia picks up the marble ashtray and lifts it above her head, her father looking up at her in terror] HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Bedelia Grantham: [Bedelia bashes her father's head in with the marble ashtray, killing him instantly] .
Wilma Northrup: I mean, some of these so-called academics make the shark in "Jaws" look like fuckin' Flipper!
Wilma Northrup: You know what Henry? You're a regular barnyard exhibit. Sheep's eyes, chicken guts, piggy friends... and SHIT for BRAINS!
Upson Pratt: What the fuck? Another son of a bitchin' blackout! If it was MY power company, this would never happen...
Richard Vickers: Come on Harry, the maiden fair waits for her knight in shining corduroy.
Harry: Richard! I'm gonna get you! You hear me, Richard? YOU HEAR ME, RICHARD? I'm going to get you f...
[a wave washes over his head, cutting him off abruptly]
Richard Vickers: You've gotta hold your breath there, Harry. You've gotta hold your breath!
[Opening; Prologue: Stan is scolding Billy for buying and reading "Creepshow" comic books behind his back]
Stan (segments "Prologue": I told you before I didn't want you to read this crap. I never saw such rotten crap in my life. Where do get this shit? Who sells it to ya? I'm talking to you, young man! You wanna answer me when I'm talking to ya. You remember who puts the friggin' bread on the table around here, don't you?
Billy's Mother (segments "Prologue": Stan, don't be too hard on him. All the kids read 'em.
Stan (segments "Prologue": My boy isn't ALL the kids. You wanna know where this is going, Billy? In the garbage. Right into the frickin' garbage! Now, you got any smart mouth about that?
Billy (segments "Prologue": [gets nasty] I wanna see how it's any worse than the books you keep in your dresser. Those ones under your underwear. Those sex books.
[Stan smacks Billy in the face]
Billy's Mother (segments "Prologue": Stan! You didn't have to...
Stan (segments "Prologue": Hit him? Not only do I find out he's reading this crap, he's a goddamn little snoop as well.
Billy (segments "Prologue": [screams] No, it wasn't like that! You begged for me to get you cuff links! It was on Sunday!
Billy's Mother (segments "Prologue": The window are open downstairs. I better go down and close them. The rain will get in.
Stan (segments "Prologue": No, I'll do it. I got some garbage I wanna throw away.
Billy (segments "Prologue": Daddy, please don't throw it away. I'm sorry.
Stan (segments "Prologue": The next time, young man, I find you with a worthless piece of shit like this again, you won't sit down for a week, buddy boy. Remember that! Tuck in!
Jordy: That's a meteor. I'll be dipped in shit if that ain't a meteor!
Charlie Gereson: [Professor Stanley tells Charlie about the creature in the crate] Pretty far out, Professor Stanley...
Professor Dexter Stanley: It's true! It's true - I swear it's true! We got to get Campus Security...
Charlie Gereson: [Charlie cuts him off] Campus Security's no good! If I'm having trouble swallowing this one, what the fuck are THEY going to think?
Professor Dexter Stanley: [calming down] ... I don't know... what they'd think...
Charlie Gereson: They'd think you'd been off on a hell of a toot. No, they'd think we'd BOTH been off on a hell of a toot, and got to seeing Tasmanian devils instead of pink elephants.
Charlie Gereson: [Charlie decides to go downstairs to investigate] I think I'll just go down and see how the land lays...
Professor Dexter Stanley: [in a panic] It may be OUT!
Charlie Gereson: [complacent] Oh, I uh - I doubt that.
Professor Dexter Stanley: CHARLIE!
Charlie Gereson: Be right back, Professor Stanley!
Wilma Northrup: Oh, Henry - can't you do anything right?
Henry Northrup: Huh?
Wilma Northrup: 'Huh?' That's what I figured. 'HUH?' That's just what I'd expect from you! I told you half an hour ago to get one of those kids in the monkey suits to bring the car around!
Henry Northrup: [sheepishly] Oh, I - I'm sorry...
Wilma Northrup: Oh, Henry, you are such a little kid! I swear to God you are! I mean were would you be without me to take care of you?
Wilma Northrup: Now get out of my way, Henry, or I swear to God you'll be wearing your balls for earrings!
[after Harry buries him in sand]
Richard Vickers: Oh I can hold my breath for a long, long time!
[enters a darkened kitchen]
Richard Grantham: Are we conserving energy?
Doctor: This is going to be extremely painful, Mr. Verrill!
Jordy: Oh, Jordy Verrill, you lunkhead!
Richard Vickers: I'll shoot you dead!
Harry: You can't shoot us dead, Richard...
Becky: ...because we're already dead!
Harry: We want to see you, Richard. We dug a hole for you, Richard...
Becky: ...on the beach!
Wilma Northrup: Just call me Billie, everyone does.
Upson Pratt: Reynolds? White? Talk to me!
Lenora Castonmeyer: I just called to tell you what a monster you are, Mr. Pratt. And how I will rejoice when you're finally dead!
Upson Pratt: Lots of people are going to rejoice when I'm dead. Who are you?
Lenora Castonmeyer: Lenora Castonmeyer. I'm the wife of the man you murdered this afternoon.
Upson Pratt: Mrs. Castonmeyer! How are you?
Lenora Castonmeyer: I hope they keep hell hot for you! You son of a bitch! I hope they do. It wasn't enough for you drive him to his knees was it? No, you had to kill him as well! He came home... and his eyes...
[Upson Pratt begins making violin motions]
Lenora Castonmeyer: his eyes were so dead. I asked him what was wrong, what could be so bad to make his eyes look that way. And the only word he could say... was your name. Ten minutes later, I heard the shot
[begins sobbing hysterically]
Upson Pratt: Yes, George Gendron told me old Norman went out... with a bang.
Lenora Castonmeyer: How many men have you destroyed? How many men have you killed you monster?
Upson Pratt: Only the stupid ones. Only the ones who handed me a knife and then stretched out their throats. Only the ones who, if you'll pardon the expression, fucked up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got this bug problem. So we'll have to defer your charming conversation for another time.
Lenora Castonmeyer: I hope you die!
Upson Pratt: By the way...
Lenora Castonmeyer: I hope you get cancer in the worst place!
Upson Pratt: Mrs. Castonmeyer...
Lenora Castonmeyer: Syphilis! Leprosy! Scream in hell forever, you monster!
Upson Pratt: Mrs. Katzenjammer... would you mind telling me who gave you my private number? I'd like to fire him.
Lenora Castonmeyer: It was in my husbands address book, you son of a bitch!
Upson Pratt: Well, I can't fire him can I?
Henry: I drove out there with the remains of three human beings... well, two human beings and Wilma.
Upson Pratt: Norman Castonmeyer's a dinosaur, he's too fucking blind to find his way into the nearest tar pit. Air pollution counts up to almost SEVEN, George! People are out there on the streets dying of Carbon Monoxide poisoning and they don't even know it!
Upson Pratt: Go out and fuck somebody. But wear a damn rubber, everybody's got the damn herpes these days.
White: What's the matter, Mr. Pratt? Bugs got your tongue?
Richard Vickers: [after swatting away a crab near Harry's head] Found a friend, Harry? I'm just wild about Harry, and Harry's wild about me!
Richard Vickers: Wentworth! I suggest you get out of here! May I remind you, dear boy, I have the gun!
Bedelia Grantham: [Bedelia sits in front of her father's grave, recounting the death of her fiancé at his hands] You screwed it all up. You screwed up my mother, you screwed me up. He was a man. Right a real man, see? Everything I wanted, he wanted for me! You stupid bastard. You got me so mad, drove me crazy. "I want my cake, Bedelia! You bitch!" You calling me a bitch!
[as swarms of cockroaches attack Upson Pratt]
Lenora Castonmeyer: [on the telephone] I hope you die!
[Henry imagines gunning Wilma down at a party and everyone claps]
Richard Raymond: Hell of a shot!
Tabitha Raymond: Bulls-eye!
Carl Reynolds: [on phone] It's Carl Reynolds, sir. I'm calling from Orlando, Florida.
Upson Pratt: [alarmed] Orlando? Florida?
Carl Reynolds: Yes. The wife and I decided to take the kids to Disney World this year...
Upson Pratt: I don't give a fuck if you decided to take the kids to Attica this year. There are still roaches in this place, Reynolds. I killed one not five minutes ago.
Carl Reynolds: [stammering]
Upson Pratt: Do you like your job, Reynolds?
Carl Reynolds: Sir, I've spoken to Mr. White who's on desk tonight.
Upson Pratt: Do you like your job, Reynolds?
Carl Reynolds: Yes-yes, sir.
Upson Pratt: I'm glad to hear it because I want to see White.
Carl Reynolds: Mr. Pratt, it's almost quarter to ten...
Upson Pratt: And if I don't see White and then the exterminators in the span of a half an hour you will have no job by midnight tonight. Do you understand me? Then next year you can take the wife and kids to Disney World on your fucking welfare check. Have you got that? Are we together on this?
Harry: [Richard has jammed his foot in the doorway] That may work on TV, mister, but I can bench-press three hundred pounds. You better get your foot out of the way, or you're gonna lose half of it!
Richard Vickers: Don't call me "mister". You know damn well who I am.
Wilma Northrup: What are you doing creeping around down there? Where's Dex? What kind of a mess has he gotten himself into?
Henry Northrup: Well, it's easier if I just show you, I think. Come on down.
Wilma Northrup: [grabbing Charlie Gereson's smashed glasses] What's this?
Henry Northrup: Oh, I found them on the...
Wilma Northrup: Oh, Henry. Did he beat her?
Henry Northrup: Well...
Wilma Northrup: How bad is she? Is she conscious?
Henry Northrup: [begins laughing] It's easier if your just see for yourself, Wilma.
Wilma Northrup: What are you laughing about? Your best friend gets in a scrape with a girl and you're laughing?
Henry Northrup: [continues laughing] But there's a funny side to it, Wilma! Wait'll you see! You'll think so yourself!
Wilma Northrup: You're hysterical, Henry. That's just what I would've expected.
Henry Northrup: [stops laughing, turns deadly serious] No, I don't think you'll expect this, Wilma. No, this is going to be an entirely new experience.
[Cass and Richard open the door. Out steps Nathan's corpse, holding Sylvia's severed head, topped with icing and candles. Cass and Richard scream]
Nathan's Corpse (segment "Father's Day"): It's Father's Day. And I got my cake.
Richard Grantham: Oh my God!
Nathan's Corpse (segment "Father's Day"): HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Cass Blaine: [screams]
Nathan's Corpse (segment "Father's Day"): [laughs]
Stan (segments "Prologue": That takes care of that.
Billy's Mother (segments "Prologue": [sighs] Stan, don't you think you were... a little hard on him?
Stan (segments "Prologue": [pours some beer in a glass] You see that crap? All that horror crap? Things coming out of crates and eating people? Dead people coming back to life? People turning into weeds, for christ sake?
Billy's Mother (segments "Prologue": Well yes I did but...
Stan (segments "Prologue": [cuts her off] Well, you want him reading that stuff?
Billy's Mother (segments "Prologue": [sighs] Well, no but...
Stan (segments "Prologue": All right then! I took care of it. That's why God made fathers, babe. That's why God made fathers.
Professor Dexter Stanley: Two people are dead, and I could be blamed. I know that's a terrible consideration to have at a time like this, but -
[Henry hands him a drink and he swallows it one gulp]
Henry Northrup: Last time I saw someone do that was in the movies!
Professor Dexter Stanley: It could mean my ass, Henry, it wasn't me! It was that - that thing in the crate! And I don't even know what it was!
Henry Northrup: What two people? Who is dead?
Professor Dexter Stanley: Mike the janitor at Amberson Hall, and Charlie Gereson. He wanted to measure the bite marks, Henry. I guess he got his chance!
Professor Dexter Stanley: I certainly guess he did!
Jordy's Dad: [Appearing in the mirror] Jordy.
Jordy's Dad: Jordy.
Jordy: [Turns around and sees no one and turns back to the mirror] But you're dead. You've been dead... Christ... three years almost.
Jordy's Dad: You ain't gonna get in that tub, are you? It's the water that it wants, Jordy. Don't you know that?
Jordy: Daddy, it itches! This green stuff all over me is ten thousand times worse then poison ivy! It's driving me crazy! I gotta cool off!
Jordy's Dad: If you get in that water, Jordy... you might as well sign your death warrant!
Jordy: I'm a goner already, Daddy. Ain't I? I've got that stuff out of the meteor on me... and I'm gone. Ain't I?
Billy (segments "Prologue": [about his father] I hope you rot in Hell!
Cass Blaine: [referring to her husband] Where is he?
Sylvia Grantham: My dear, I really can't say. No doubt he's at the grave, hobnobbing with your great aunt. Getting her side of the story.
Cass Blaine: Well, I want him. And I want my dinner, I'm hungry.
Richard Grantham: Well go get him, then.
Cass Blaine: [demurely] You go Richard.
Richard Grantham: He's your husband. I don't even like him.
Wilma Northrup: So when Parker told me that I was out of line, I told him he oughta get laid. I mean, "Parker," I say. "If you just have your ashes hauled, you wouldn't have to spend all this time playing Emily Vanderbilt!" Or, Emily Van Buren. Whoever that etiquette crotch is!