Miss Mona: You know, it's always a business doing pleasure with you, Charlie!
Ed Earl: They want me to close her down, run her out of town. How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?
The Governor: [singing] Ooh, I love to dance the little sidestep / Now they see me, now they don't / I've come and gone / And ooh, I love to sweep around a wide step / Cut a little swath / And lead the people on!
Miss Mona: Me jumpin' up and down? I'd black both my eyes!
[On space aliens]
Ed Earl: I saw a picture once, of them fellers from, you know, that's supposed to be from up there? Fly around? Tiny little fellers. Bald-headed, little feet, little hands - got no peckers.
Miss Mona: Got no peckers?
[Ed shakes his head no]
Miss Mona: Well, I ain't interested. I don't think my girls would be either!
[On wearing a Speedo]
Ed Earl: Be like putting two bowling balls in a marble bag!
[On the Chicken Ranch Scandal]
C.J.: All we wanted to do was keep it quiet! Now thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing on the air since "The Gong Show"!
[On the Chicken Ranch]
Deputy Fred: If you grew up anywhere in Texas, you knew at an early age they was selling somethin' out there - and it wasn't poultry!
Melvin P. Thorpe: The power of television, of public exposure - it scares me. I swear, I could get the mayor's own children to throw rocks at him!
Jewel: Honey, we see everything in this profession, but one thing I ain't never seen - man or woman - is a grown-up.
Deputy Fred: Everybody liked Ed Earl - especially Ed Earl.
Deputy Fred: So, for awhile, as the story goes, the girls begin accepting poultry in trade: one bird, one lay. And that's how the place got its name: The Chicken Ranch!
Miss Mona: Don't feel sorry for me. I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast.
Miss Mona: I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top-heavy. I have a hard enough time balancin' these things now without gettin' on my toes!
Miss Mona: Well, I always just thought if you see somebody without a smile, give 'em yours!
Miss Mona: Well, one of those nights when you ain't on duty, you drop in out there. My girls'll love to show you a little appreciation.
Deputy Fred: Shoot, Miss Mona - you know I'm a married man!
Miss Mona: Oh, Fred, you mean to tell me you don't think the cows don't appreciate the time off when a bull goes over to another pasture?
Ed Earl: Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector, and I can tell when somebody's peeing on my boots and telling me it's a rainstorm.
Female Reporter: Governor, what do you think of the, the crisis in the Middle East?
The Governor: I was sayin' just this morning at the weekly prayer breakfast, in this historic capital, that it behooves both the Jews and the Arabs to settle their differences in a Christian manner!
Ed Earl: I'm gonna knock you so flat, you'll have to roll down your socks to shit!
Deputy Fred: It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw!
Deputy Fred: [commenting on the underwear that Miss Mona gave Ed Earl] It's a Japanese sling-shot!
Miss Mona: Now that's what the little silver snaps are for.
Miss Mona: Ed Earl, I think the best thing to do is to put this behind us, just as quick as we can. I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music... it's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all.
Miss Mona: [singing] It's just a little bitty pissant country place, ain't nothing much to see. / No drinking allowed, we get a nice quiet crowd.
Miss Mona: Well Fine! Then I'm getting dressed and going home!
Ed Earl: Well Fine! I'm going into the bathroom and... put this on.
Miss Mona: You ain't never gonna be no more than you are right now: a chicken-shit sheriff in a chicken-shit town!
Ed Earl: You may be right, but it's a hell of a lot better than being a whore.