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The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982) Poster

Quotes

Miss Mona: You know what burns my ass?

Ed Earl: What?

Miss Mona: A flame about three feet high!

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Miss Mona: You know, it's always a business doing pleasure with you, Charlie!

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Ed Earl: They want me to close her down, run her out of town. How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?

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Melvin P. Thorpe: The power of television, of public exposure - it scares me. I swear, I could get the mayor's own children to throw rocks at him!

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The Governor: [singing] Ooh, I love to dance the little sidestep / Now they see me, now they don't / I've come and gone / And ooh, I love to sweep around a wide step / Cut a little swath / And lead the people on!

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Deputy Fred: So, for awhile, as the story goes, the girls begin accepting poultry in trade: one bird, one lay. And that's how the place got its name: The Chicken Ranch!

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Miss Mona: Don't feel sorry for me. I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast.

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Miss Mona: Me jumpin' up and down? I'd black both my eyes!

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Miss Mona: Well, one of those nights when you ain't on duty, you drop in out there. My girls'll love to show you a little appreciation.

Deputy Fred: Shoot, Miss Mona - you know I'm a married man!

Miss Mona: Oh, Fred, you mean to tell me you don't think the cows don't appreciate the time off when a bull goes over to another pasture?

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Female Reporter: Governor, what do you think of the, the crisis in the Middle East?

The Governor: I was sayin' just this morning at the weekly prayer breakfast, in this historic capital, that it behooves both the Jews and the Arabs to settle their differences in a Christian manner!

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[On space aliens]

Ed Earl: I saw a picture once, of them fellers from, you know, that's supposed to be from up there? Fly around? Tiny little fellers. Bald-headed, little feet, little hands - got no peckers.

Miss Mona: Got no peckers?

[Ed shakes his head no]

Miss Mona: Well, I ain't interested. I don't think my girls would be either!

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[On wearing a Speedo]

Ed Earl: Be like putting two bowling balls in a marble bag!

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[On the Chicken Ranch Scandal]

C.J.: All we wanted to do was keep it quiet! Now thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing on the air since "The Gong Show"!

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[On the Chicken Ranch]

Deputy Fred: If you grew up anywhere in Texas, you knew at an early age they was selling somethin' out there - and it wasn't poultry!

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Jewel: Honey, we see everything in this profession, but one thing I ain't never seen - man or woman - is a grown-up.

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Deputy Fred: Everybody liked Ed Earl - especially Ed Earl.

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Miss Mona: I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top-heavy. I have a hard enough time balancin' these things now without gettin' on my toes!

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Miss Mona: Well, I always just thought if you see somebody without a smile, give 'em yours!

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Ed Earl: Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector, and I can tell when somebody's peeing on my boots and telling me it's a rainstorm.

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Ed Earl: I'm gonna knock you so flat, you'll have to roll down your socks to shit!

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[first lines]

Deputy Fred: It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw!

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Miss Mona: You ain't never gonna be no more than you are right now: a chicken-shit sheriff in a chicken-shit town!

Ed Earl: You may be right, but it's a hell of a lot better than being a whore.

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Deputy Fred: [commenting on the underwear that Miss Mona gave Ed Earl] It's a Japanese sling-shot!

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Miss Mona: Now that's what the little silver snaps are for.

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Miss Mona: Ed Earl, I think the best thing to do is to put this behind us, just as quick as we can. I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music... it's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all.

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Miss Mona: [singing] It's just a little bitty pissant country place, ain't nothing much to see. / No drinking allowed, we get a nice quiet crowd.

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Miss Mona: The best part?

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Miss Mona: Well Fine! Then I'm getting dressed and going home!

Ed Earl: Well Fine! I'm going into the bathroom and... put this on.

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Deputy Fred: My wife read his lips on every "Hell", "Goddamn" and "Shit".

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Howard K. Smith: [on the Evening News] Legalized prostitution, pro or con, is in the news today. For a report, here is Jeff Gerald in Gilbert, Texas.

Jeff Gerald: The Chicken Ranch, the legendary, long-running bawdy house, is showing little activity after the disclosure yesterday of the Thanksgiving night raid.

Deputy Fred: Get away!

Jeff Gerald: The deputy at the front gate keeps away onlookers and potential customers, while up at the house, the doors are closed and the principals are not talking. The sheriff of Gilbert, Ed Earl Dodd, refused interviews, while in Houston, the man who launched the campaign, consumer advocate Melvin P. Thorpe, held a press conference this afternoon.

Melvin P. Thorpe: I have a report here that says that the Chicken Ranch is involved with and under the influence of organized crime. I myself am gonna take this report to Austin in the hopes that the Governor himself will come out of his long silence on this issue and uphold the law. And... Thank you. Thank you very much.

[applause]

Jeff Gerald: At the capitol today, the Governor made no statement, but Senator Charles Wingwood, who was a principal figure in the Watchdog news raid, also held a press conference explaining his involvement.

Senator Wingwood: I have no independent recollection of going to the Chicken Ranch. And I can only say, as the most dedicated anticommunist in the state legislature, that I must have been drugged by communists or communist sympathizers and placed there to harm my reputation and good name.

Jeff Gerald: Reaction across the state is split 50-50. But here in the town of Gilbert, the Chicken Ranch has many supporters.

Edsel: I ain't never seen anything bad come out of there yet, and I've lived here all my life. Why, they attract a lot of business to the community. They pay their taxes. Ha! Just like you and me! No one. No one was ever forced to go up there.

Dora: My Frank, when he was alive, used to go up there every Saturday. I took it as a blessin'. Of course, things were different then. Nowadays women enjoy doin' that sort of thing themselves. At least, so I've been told.

Henry: The Chicken Ranch? I think it's a good idea. See, you take a lot of young boys and they're gonna be out there lookin' for women. If they can't find 'em, they'll rape 'em. And if they don't do that, they'll run to other women and get diseases! Those girls went to doctors.

Jeff Gerald: [holding a bumper sticker that says "Pluck The Chicken Ranch"] Although petitions are being circulated to save the Chicken Ranch, already this bumper sticker is beginning to appear around the state. And so, as feminists line up behind the bill for the decriminalization of prostitution already in the legislature, while traditionalists and fundamentalists lobby for its defeat, the fate of the Chicken Ranch rests with the Governor, who today, again, was unavailable for comment. Jeff Gerald, ABC News, Gilbert, Texas.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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