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Author! Author! (1982) Poster

Quotes

Travalian: No ex-husband of Gloria's ever has to apologize to me about anything. We're like a little club.

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Ivan: I have done many terrible things in my life but I have never put another man's wife in my bed.

Larry Kotzwinkle: Wasn't she married to that Spanish painter when you slept with her?

Ivan: Don't prove me wrong, Larry, I hate it when I'm proven wrong.

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Ivan: [from trailer] I had a lousy day today. I turned 42, I fired a director, I beat my kids...

[his children look up, clearly alarmed]

Ivan: I forgot to beat my kids!

[a family pillowfight ensues in the living room]

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Ivan: Eat it. It's healthy. You'll live longer.

Kreplich: I have a miserable life. I don't want to live longer.

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Ivan: [finding Alice at a table with three champagne flutes; a single aspirin is in front of each] Why all the champagne?

Alice: I need it to take the aspirin.

Ivan: Why do you need aspirin?

Alice: Oh, champagne gives me a headache.

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Drug Dealer: You shove, shoot it, snort it. I gotta sell it.

Travalian: Look, my kid's in the business.

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Gloria Travalian: Ivan, I'm not leaving you for another man.

Travalian: Larry Kotzwinkle's not a man, he's a duck.

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Seth Shapiro: [helping her on with her fur coat] What a fabulous look! What's it called?

Alice: Peach Divine.

Seth Shapiro: Is it edible?

Alice: Do you think he's bi-sexual?

Ivan: He never looked at a woman in his life!

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Debbie: I'm never gonna get married. Not ever. Even if you paid me a hundred and fifty dollars.

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Gloria Travalian: Larry is a wonderful man.

Ivan: I'm thrilled to hear this.

Gloria Travalian: Larry is a wonderful man, but he's not you.

Ivan: That's what I figured when he scratched his leg and I felt nothing. 'This man is not me.'

Gloria Travalian: [Snobs] How can you joke at a time like this?

Ivan: I joke, You snob. What difference does it make? We're both miserable.

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Gloria Travalian: Larry and I are moving to the Good Harbor Beach Inn in Massachusetts. We've agreed to live there for a three month trial period and if it works, we'll be married on Larry's birthday in March.

Ivan: Okay... okay-I guess I'll be heading back to rehearsal. Enough taking time off from work for fun, huh? You can keep the night table, Gloria.

Gloria Travalian: No...

Ivan: I just wanna say that you are the craziest person I've met since the guy blocking the bank door. He was wearing a Superman cape and pantyhose... crazier than you... maybe not.

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Ivan: Okay, Gloria!

[picking up a table]

Ivan: Sit down or I'm gonna hit you with this chair!

Gloria Travalian: That's a table.

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Bonnie: Oh good my cheesy I love my cheesy!

Ivan: Bonnie, act your age.

Bonnie: I'm eleven.

Ivan: Act it.

Bonnie: How the hell do you act eleven?

Ivan: That's better.

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Gloria Travalian: Oh, Ivan. I'm hurting you.

Ivan: That's the kindest thing you've said to me in six months, "Oh, Ivan, I'm hurting you."

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Ivan: GLORIA! GLOOOORIAAAAA!

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Ivan: Class dismissed!

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Gloria Travalian: You're at the goddamn typewriter 14 hours a day...

Ivan: I'M AT THE GODDAMN TYPEWRITER, GLORIA... BECAUSE I'M A GODDAMN WRITER, GLORIA!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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