Student Bodies (1981)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in order to achieve an "R" rating today, a motion picture must contain full frontal nudity, graphic violence, or an explicit reference to the sex act. Since this film has none of those, and since research has proven that R-rated films are by far the most popular with the moviegoing public, the producers of this motion picture have asked me to take this opportunity to say "Fuck you."
[the MPAA R-rating logo appears on the screen]
Principal Peters: Hasn't there been enough senseless killing? Let's have a murder that makes sense!
The Breather: Why do they always run away from me? It's the galoshes. They're a dead giveaway. Why do I wear them? It isn't even raining!
[as Charlie attempts to make out with her]
Julie: Not here. Not now.
Charlie: Where? When?
Julie: Upstairs. Ten seconds.
[Over the phone]
Ms. Van Dyke: What makes your voice sound so funny?
The Breather: I'm disguising it.
Ms. Van Dyke: How?
The Breather: By talking through a rubber chicken.
Ms. Van Dyke: I thought it sounded like you were speaking through a rubber chicken.
The Breather: [choosing a horsehead bookend for a murder weapon] Horsehead...
Toby: Who could have done these murders?
Hardy: I don't know. It could have been anybody.
Toby: Well, it can't be ANYbody. It's gotta be somebody.
Hardy: Of course it's somebody, but that somebody could be anybody.
Toby: Well, look, we didn't do it, right?
Toby: So you can't say it could be anybody. WE'RE anybody.
Hardy: True, but we're also somebody.
The Breather: [to the audience] Hello, it's me, The Breather. You're probably wonder who I am. Who could I be? Could I be the innocent looking Toby? Would you trust a girl who looked like Prince Valiant in a plum sweater? Maybe I'm Dr. Sigmund; a man who was once arrested for corrupting the morals of a hooker. Then there's Malvert; with an I.Q. of a handball and the personality of a parking meter: violated! Could I be the principal Mr. Peters; a man who keeps cheese in his underwear to attract mice? Let's not forget Ms. Leclair; English teacher by day and English teacher by night. Ah, Miss Mumsley; She eats 12 prunes a day and nothing happens. Nurse Krud and Ms. Van Dyke; what's in a name? Everything! And then there's Dumpkin; a man who sleeps with his nuts in between horsehead bookends.
The Breather: Nurse Krud and Ms. Van Dyke. What's in a name? Everything.
Mr. Dumpkin: You don't need your family. You don't need your friends. As long as you have, a horsehead bookend.
[overhears Toby talking]
Mr. Dumpkin: Talking? During horsehead bookends? Who was that? Sure, the girl. What have we here, Miss Shouldn't-be-in-the-class-anyway?
Toby: Well, it's a horsehead bookend, Mr. Dumpkin.
Mr. Dumpkin: You stained it and everything. I couldn't have done a better job myself.
Toby: That's what I was thinking.
[the word SUSPECT flashes in front of Mr. Dumpkin]
The Breather: [after repeatedly stepping in gum] I'd like to kill the kid with the gum!
[a blind man and a man in a wheelchair are arguing over the only handicapped parking space]
Charles Ray: Hey, man, that's my parking space! Can't you see I'm blind?
Wheels: Hey, I'm more handicapped than you! I can't even make love to a woman.
Charles Ray: I can never find one! Now move it!
[Patti pulls in and steals the space]
Wheels: Hey, that's our parking spot!
Patti: Great physical beauty can be a handicap, too.
The Breather: [on the phone] I'm gonna kill next at the football game. Click.
Ms. Van Dyke: Did you hang up?
The Breather: No, I just said "click".
[then hangs up]
Football Coach: Wait a minute. Now, he could be our man. Look at him! Look at him! He's got blood on his hands!
Malvert the Janitor: No, since accident, Malvert pee red. You know good urologist?
Ms. Van Dyke: I'll get it. I'm farthest from the phone.
Miss Mumsley: That makes sense.
Toby: My father, Yuck.
Dr. Sigmund: Your father's name was Yuck?
Toby: He used to lock me in my room with him in it.
Dr. Sigmund: Don't call me Daddy anymore.
Malvert the Janitor: Since accident, Malvert sometimes pee red.
Malvert the Janitor: Sex kills. Sex kills.