Felix Farmer: Can she work?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Is Batman a transvestite? Who knows? I was specifically requested to alleviate her anxiety. Work was never mentioned.
Felix Farmer: Irving, she's got a very big scene to do!
Sally Miles: [laughing] I'm going to show my boobies. What do you think, Irving, you've seen my boobies. Hmm, are they worth showing?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Well, since I can only render an evaluation based on a completely impersonal, purely professional examination of the subject, uh, subjects, I would have to say that in my humble opinion you've got a terrific pair of knockers.
Agnes: I mean, how erotic do you really want to go?
Felix Farmer: Go, go, E-R-O-T-I-C! GO! GO!
Agnes: Sally Miles, America's G-rated darling, in the B-U-F-F?
Felix Farmer: Why not?
Agnes: Ohhhh, Felix darling, some of her fans still don't think she goes to the bathroom!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Come to think of it, why should I give you a vitamin shot? I'm the one with the hangover. B-12, B-Complex, Crude Liver, and a generous jolt of adrenal cortex. Chased by a Bloody Mary. L'chaim!
Tim Culley: I thought that was a chaser.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Where would Salk or Pasteur be if they hadn't taken chances?
[Turns to Lila]
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Now Lila, in order to inject this properly I have to expose my gluteus maximus.
Lila: Want me to do it for ya?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Are you perchance a nurse?
Lila: No, I used to be a junkie.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Would it endanger your amateur standing if I asked you to use a sterilized needle?
Lila: You're the doctor.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Hello Polly.
Polly Reed: Irving!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: You look like an anemic turtle.
Polly Reed: You're gonna let that SHYSTER on?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: I could sue you for calling me that, Polly! A shyster is a disreputable lawyer. I'M a QUACK!
Tim Culley: What'd you give him?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Oh, a pinch of this, a dash of that. Sometimes referred to in the trade as a Sleeping Beauty Boilermaker. Take no notice if he begins to levitate. It's a common side effect.
Tim Culley: Felix, for the last 40 years I've lived a life of dedicated debauchery. I've consumed enough booze to destroy a dozen healthy livers. I've filled my lungs with enough nicotine to poison the entire population of Orange County. I've engaged in sexual excesses that make Caligula look like a celibate monk. I have, in fact, conscientiously, day in and day out, for more years than you've been in this best of all possible worlds, tried to kill myself and I've never felt better in my life. So, if you're really going to end it all, I can show you at least a half-dozen better ways to do it.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: He bought her this boat on their 14th wedding anniversary. They sailed her to Catalina. Sally flew home. I don't think Felix has been on her more than once or twice since then.
Ben Coogan: No wonder Sally wants a divorce.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Because he bought her a boat?
Ben Coogan: Well, he's only been on her once or twice since!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: On the BOAT!
Sally Miles: I am going to show my boobies. Are you here to see my boobies?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Ben, do you realize that in a matter of a few hours you have demonstrated most of your excremental bodily functions.
Ben Coogan: I haven't sneezed.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: A sneeze is expiratory, not excremental.
Tim Culley: Felix, as far as you know, have I ever lied to you?
Felix Farmer: Never.
Tim Culley: Well, I have, once or twice. About nothing that was too important. But now the fact that I have admitted that on occasion I have lied to you should convince you that I'm a fairly honest man. And when it comes to the crunch, I can handle myself with an acceptable degree of integrity. Now, do you agree?
Felix Farmer: Wholeheartedly.
Tim Culley: I'm going to give it to you straight, old friend.
Felix Farmer: You think I'm crazy.
Tim Culley: Well, that's a little straighter than I intended.
Felix Farmer: Maybe, Culley, maybe. Hey, I tried to kill myself four times. Hardly rational. $16 Million-plus for a flop, every cent I have in the world - Not what most people would consider a very sane act. But, insane, Culley? What if I'm right? If my vision is valid, Culley, not so crazy, a more acceptable insanity. Culley, that's all beside the point. Sane and miserable or insane and bursting with greater joy and happiness. THAT'S the point, Culley. And in the final analysis, who says "He's sane therefore he should" or "He's insane, therefore he shouldn't"? Culley, come on, even if I'm wrong, and I'm not, I'm full of fire, Culley! I'm a blazing comet!
Tim Culley: Comets but out, pal.
Felix Farmer: But, Ah, my foes, and Oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light.
Tim Culley: You stay in the car.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Who stay in the car?
Tim Culley: Him. Stay in the car.
Ben Coogan: I don't wanna stay in the car.
Tim Culley: Look, we've got to be sly and stealthy, and you're too pissed.
Ben Coogan: Bullshit, I can be just as sty and slealthy as you can.
Ben Coogan: [looking at Felix's corpse with a fishing rod in his hands] What if he catches something?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: [laughs]
[Polly Reed is about to enter through the back door]
Dr. Irving Finegarten: I remember this scene in "The Thing." There was this horrible monster on the other side of the...
Ben Coogan: [distressed] Will you shut up! I swear...
[Polly Reed comes through the kitchen door]
Ben Coogan: Hi, Polly!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Amazing coincidence! I was just talking about you.
Polly Reed: Oh, were you really, Irving?
Ben Coogan: What are we going to do with him? It?
Tim Culley: I've been thinking: a burial at sea.
Ben Coogan: Beautiful. A burial at sea.
Ben Coogan: I don't like to be a party pooper, but I get seasick.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: A-ha! The last of your excremental bodily functions! Worthy of the Guinness Book of Records.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: What is that?
Tim Culley: Sounds like someone left a faucet running.
Ben Coogan: I'm peeing!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Into what?
Ben Coogan: My pants!
[after placing Felix's corpse in the back seat of a convertible]
Dr. Irving Finegarten: He'd be less conspicuous if he had his eyes open.
Ben Coogan: He'd be less conspicuous if he was back in his box!
Polly Reed: [to her husband whom she's sharing a hospital room] Open your mouth Willard, and I'll smear Krazy Glue on your bed pan!
The Gardener: It's not such a good idea to sit in here with the motor running. ¡Hijo de la chingada! (son of a bitch!)
Felix Farmer: [pitching to his studio execs the far-out erotic themed movie revision of his flop movie, "Night Wind"] But we blew it, we didn't grab 'em. Why?... Do you know why? I'll tell you why. Because dying fathers and lying mothers are a dime a dozen these days! Home and family have become civilization's antiques - along with the flag, Sunday school, Girl Scout cookies, C.B. De Mille, and virginity.
Felix Farmer: [continues] We gave them virtue, they want VICE! We sold them schmaltz, they prefer sadomasochism! Instead of the American Dream, it should have been the American WET DREAM!
Tim Culley: It's been my experience that every time I think I know "where it's at," it's really somewhere else.
Nurse: I'll see what I can do.
Polly Reed: You'll do more than just see, missy! You'll do! See?
Sally Miles: [High on muscle relaxers] Oh... Hi, Polly. Come to see my boobies?
Felix Farmer: [passionately pitching his far-out movie idea to Culley] That's what they want! That's where it's at!
Tim Culley: [calmly] It's been my experience that every time I think I know where it's at, it's usually somewhere else.
Felix Farmer: If you want to dramatize the evils of prostitution, corrupt a virgin, not a whore!
Sally Miles: You know, you are sexually notorious.
Tim Culley: Semi-fraudulent reputation - which I do everything I can to encourage.
Sally Miles: *Why*?
Tim Culley: Because it's the best way for an *old* man to compete in a *young* man's world.
Ben Coogan: [Observing Sally Miles on the set, who is acting noticeably high after Dr. Finegarten's dressing room injection] Is she gonna' be all right?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: [matter-of-factly] Well, it depends on what you mean by "all right." I once cured an amateur skydiver of acute acrophobia. Now, you could say he was all right, because he was able to jump. But you could also say he was *not* all right, because he was so stoned he neglected to open his parachute.
Ben Coogan: You know, Irving, you're a real *twat*!
Ben Coogan: [Culley, Ben and Dr. Finegarten are toasting Felix, whose corpse is seated with them at the table] To our late, great host.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: A sweet soul adrift in a sea of sour grapes.
Ben Coogan: "A sea of sour grapes"?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Think about it.
Sally Miles: You thieving, filthy son of a bitch!
Felix Farmer: Sally Miles SWEARS!
Sally Miles: Give me my money or I... WILL... KILL YOU!
Felix Farmer: Sally Miles KILLS!
Sally Miles: [She throws her Oscar at Felix and smashes a window] OHHH SHIT!
Felix Farmer: Sally Miles says SHIT!