Agnes: I mean, how erotic do you really want to go?
Felix Farmer: Go, go, E-R-O-T-I-C! GO! GO!
Agnes: Sally Miles, America's G-rated darling, in the B-U-F-F?
Felix Farmer: Why not?
Agnes: Ohhhh, Felix darling, some of her fans still don't think she goes to the bathroom!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Come to think of it, why should I give you a vitamin shot? I'm the one with the hangover. B-12, B-Complex, Crude Liver, and a generous jolt of adrenal cortex. Chased by a Bloody Mary. L'chaim!
Tim Culley: I thought that was a chaser.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Where would Salk or Pasteur be if they hadn't taken chances?
[Turns to Lila]
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Now Lila, in order to inject this properly I have to expose my gluteus maximus.
Lila: Want me to do it for ya?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Are you perchance a nurse?
Lila: No, I used to be a junkie.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Would it endanger your amateur standing if I asked you to use a sterilized needle?
Lila: You're the doctor.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.
Tim Culley: You stay in the car.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Who stay in the car?
Tim Culley: Him. Stay in the car.
Ben Coogan: I don't wanna stay in the car.
Tim Culley: Look, we've got to be sly and stealthy, and you're too pissed.
Ben Coogan: Bullshit, I can be just as sty and slealthy as you can.
Tim Culley: What'd you give him?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Oh, a pinch of this, a dash of that. Sometimes referred to in the trade as a Sleeping Beauty Boilermaker. Take no notice if he begins to levitate. It's a common side effect.
Sally Miles: I am going to show my boobies. Are you here to see my boobies?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Hello Polly.
Polly Reed: Irving!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: You look like an anemic turtle.
Polly Reed: You're gonna let that SHYSTER on?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: I could sue you for calling me that, Polly! A shyster is a disreputable lawyer. I'M a QUACK!
Tim Culley: It's been my experience that every time I think I know "where it's at," it's really somewhere else.
Nurse: I'll see what I can do.
Polly Reed: You'll do more than just see, missy! You'll do! See?
Felix Farmer: Can she work?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Is Batman a transvestite? Who knows? I was specifically requested to alleviate her anxiety. Work was never mentioned.
Felix Farmer: Irving, she's got a very big scene to do!
Sally Miles: [laughing] I'm going to show my boobies. What do you think, Irving, you've seen my boobies. Hmm, are they worth showing?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Well, since I can only render an evaluation based on a completely impersonal, purely professional examination of the subject, uh, subjects, I would have to say that in my humble opinion you've got a terrific pair of knockers.
Ben Coogan: [looking at Felix's corpse with a fishing rod in his hands] What if he catches something?
Dr. Irving Finegarten: [laughs]
[Polly Reed is about to enter through the back door]
Dr. Irving Finegarten: This reminds me of a scene in "The Thing" when a terrible monster is just on the other side of a door.
Ben Coogan: [distressed] Will you please...
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Ben, do you realize that in a matter of a few hours you have demonstrated most of your excremental bodily functions.
Ben Coogan: I haven't sneezed.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: A sneeze is expiratory, not excremental.
Ben Coogan: What are we going to do with him? It?
Tim Culley: I've been thinking: a burial at sea.
Ben Coogan: Beautiful. A burial at sea.
Ben Coogan: I don't like to be a party pooper, but I get seasick.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: A-ha! The last of your excremental bodily functions! Worthy of the Guinness Book of Records.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: What is that?
Tim Culley: Sounds like someone left a faucet running.
Ben Coogan: I'm peeing!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Into what?
Ben Coogan: My pants!
[after placing Felix's corpse in the back seat of a convertible]
Dr. Irving Finegarten: He'd be less conspicuous if he had his eyes open.
Ben Coogan: He'd be less conspicuous if he was back in his box!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: He bought her this boat on their 14th wedding anniversary. They sailed her to Catalina. Sally flew home. I don't think Felix has been on her more than once or twice since then.
Ben Coogan: No wonder Sally wants a divorce.
Dr. Irving Finegarten: Because he bought her a boat?
Ben Coogan: Well, he's only been on her once or twice since!
Dr. Irving Finegarten: On the BOAT!
Sally Miles: [High on muscle relaxers] Oh... Hi, Polly. Come to see my boobies?
Felix Farmer: Felix, for the last 40 years I've lived a life of dedicated debauchery. I've consumed enough booze to destroy a dozen healthy livers. I've filled my lungs with enough nicotine to poison the entire population of Orange County. I've engaged in sexual excesses that make Caligula look like a celibate monk. I have, in fact, conscientiously, day in and day out, for more years than you've been in this best of all possible worlds, tried to kill myself and I've never felt better in my life. So, if you're really going to end it all, I can show you at least a half-dozen better ways to do it.