School Principal: Is Dexter ill today?
Francine Fishpaw: Why, no, Mr. Kirk. Dexter's in school.
School Principal: I'm afraid he's not, Mrs. Fishpaw. Dexter's truancy problem is way out of hand, and the Baltimore County School Board have decided to expel Dexter from the entire public school system.
Francine Fishpaw: Why Mr. Kirk - I'm as upset as you to learn of Dexter's truancy - but surely expulsion is not the answer?
School Principal: I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer. It is the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane...
Sandra Sullivan: Children would only get in the way of our erotic lifestyle!
Cuddles Kovinsky: Oh Heintz, she's straight from the gutter!
Heintz: A sporting girl, I would imagine.
Cuddles Kovinsky: A fille de joie!
Heintz: It saddens me that you have to see anything this common, madame.
Cuddles Kovinsky: Purr Francine! Purr, purr Francine!
Cuddles Kovinsky: Gee, Francine! You're the most drinkin'est gal I know!
Lu-Lu Fishpaw: I'm gonna get an abortion and I can't WAIT!
La Rue: Good Lord, Francine! Don't you know it's bad luck to let retarded people in your home? Call me a cab, this instant.
Francine Fishpaw: Oh Elmer, that dog stinks to high heaven. You'll be permeated by his odor.
Elmer Fishpaw: Yeah? Well, this whole world stinks, Francine, so get used to it! You and that big nose of yours are startin' to get on my nerves. Snortin' around the place like a goddamned anteater. I've about had it with you. Gimme that drink! Hurry up!
Dr. Quackenshaw: [with German accent] Hello moviegoers. I am Doctor Arnold Quackenshaw. And I am here to explain to you the wondrous screen gimmick... Odorama. Odorama will enable you, ze viewer, to actually *smell* right from your movie seat, some of life's most fragrant odors. Ze producers of zis film have *unselfishly* spent untold *millions* of dollars to develop zis startling process. And I, *I* have been... locked away for many years, in ze laboratory, experimenting with this *mindboggling* project. I would like to share with you some of my research.
[walks over to a chart]
Dr. Quackenshaw: All right, first of all, this... is da nose, da most prominent part of the human face. It bears the nostrils und covers the nasal passsages. We all have one, zis nose. Call it what you will - schneezer, schnoz, beak, schmeller, schnout, schnoot - it all means the same thing. Through zis nose comes some of life's most rewarding sensations, und we plan to share with you some of ze most beautiful odors known to mankind. *Unfortunately,* zis same nose... is also responsible for bringing us some odors that are rather... repulsive. We have not shied away from zis distressing fact. You will experience some odors that may *shock* you. But ze producers of zis film believe that today's audiences are mature enough to accept ze fact that some things in life just plain stink.
[walks over to a counter top]
Dr. Quackenshaw: All right now, this is the product of our endless experimentation: Mmm! Ze Odorama card. The card is actually quite simple to operate. Just listen carefully und follow my instructions. When a number appears on ze screen, that is your signal to scratch und to sniff ze same number on your Odorama card. Mmm. Ja? Mmm? Look - use anything you want to scratch it. Use a key, a coin, use your fingernail! Hmmm? Number one? Ah! Now sniff it, number one? Ja? See? You get it? You smell it? Yeh? It works! By God, it actually works! Ladies and gentlemen, this... is Odorama! Yeh?
Francine Fishpaw: Oh Cuddles, you're too *old* to be a debutante!
Francine Fishpaw: Dexter's been expelled from school!
Cuddles Kovinsky: For what?
Francine Fishpaw: For truancy!
Cuddles Kovinsky: It's just those common Baltimore public schools. God, I wish I lived in Connecticut!
Francine Fishpaw: [visiting La Rue in the hospital] Hello, Mother. Feeling any better today?
La Rue: How can I feel better with a drunken miser as a daughter?
Francine Fishpaw: Shut up, Mother! For forty-four years, I've tried to be a good daughter to you and all I've gotten in return is abuse. I've given you money - thousands and thousands of dollars - and still it's not enough! Well, I've had it! You can rot in that wheelchair for all I care!
[storms out of the room]
La Rue: [faking a heart attack] The pain, the pain! My heart! She's giving me a heart attack! Oh God, help! Help!
Elmer Fishpaw: Choose your words with care, and I won't get riled!
Cuddles Kovinsky: At first I thought he was walking his dog. Then I realized, it was his date.
Todd Tomorrow: I got somethin' to show ya, Francine! It's long. And it's sleek. And it's powerful. It's mah new 'vette!
Francine Fishpaw: My name is Francine Fishpaw, and I am an alcoholic!
Cuddles Kovinsky: This house is just like Architectural Digest, Francine!
Francine Fishpaw: [affectionately] Oh, Lulu, your hair looks so pretty!
Lu-Lu Fishpaw: [angrily] I *know*!
Francine Fishpaw: I'll never be able to show my face in church again! I'll be excommunicated because of YOU!
Elmer Fishpaw: Stop that yammering and fix me a drink!
Picket Reporter: [vocal protesters, along with a news crew, are gathered outside the Fishpaw's front porch] Mr. Fishpaw, I'm Jerry Haller from Channel 12 News. Um, I was wondering, could you make a comment on this demonstration against your X-rated movie theater?
Elmer Fishpaw: I'll show any movie I wanna' show! This is a free country, isn't it? Our current attraction is "My Burning Bush." We have shows daily at 2, 4, 6, 8 and 10 o'clock!
[proceeds to laugh derisively at the gathered protesters]
Freddy Ashton: Don't be upset, Mrs. Fishpaw. Puberty brings on strange behavior in adolescents!
Elmer Fishpaw: [as Francine kneels by the bed to pray] What the hell are *you* doing?
Francine Fishpaw: Saying my prayers. Asking God to forgive you for showing *dirty* movies!
Elmer Fishpaw: Oh, I don't believe this! I gotta' goddamned nun for a wife!
Elmer Fishpaw: Get up, Francine, you big oaf! I want some breakfast!
Francine Fishpaw: What time is it?
Elmer Fishpaw: Time to get that fat ass out of bed, that's what time it is! I guess *I'll* have to fix my own cereal!
Elmer Fishpaw: How's my baby doin' in school?
Lu-Lu Fishpaw: I learned all about my cervix in sex education yesterday!
[Elmer's face drops]
Francine Fishpaw: [Cuddles, along with her personal chauffeur, have arrived in the driveway] Oh, it's Cuddles...
La Rue: Good Lord, Francine. Don't you know it's bad luck to let retarded people in your home? Call me a cab this instant!
Francine Fishpaw: But mother, she's my best friend.
La Rue: Your "best friend"? She was your cleaning lady, Francine! Are you that unpopular that you seek out the social company of your maid?
Francine Fishpaw: But she's not a maid any more, mother. She inherited a great deal of money from the family she used to work for.
La Rue: Money or not... oh, the injustice of it all! She was a scrub woman! Give her car fare, a ham at Easter, but for God's sake, don't hang around with her! Are you going to call me a cab, or do I have to walk?
Francine Fishpaw: [meekly] Yes, mother...
Cuddles Kovinsky: What's the matter, "ma petite"?
Francine Fishpaw: Speak English, Cuddles. *Please*, speak ENGLISH!
Lu-Lu Fishpaw: I got my report card today. Wanna' see it?
Francine Fishpaw: Have you done any better this time?
Francine Fishpaw: [Looks at her report card, which indicates all "F"s] Lu-Lu, you have failed every single subject again!
Lu-Lu Fishpaw: No, ma. They changed the grading system. "F" is for "Fantastic"!
Francine Fishpaw: You little liar! It's a good thing you're not Pinocchio... your nose would be a mile long!
Francine Fishpaw: Oh Cuddles, you're too *old* to be a debutante. Just because you've inherited a lot of money doesn't mean that you're suddenly socially prominent.
Francine Fishpaw: I wish I could be more like you, Cuddles - always optimistic. I look into my future, and all I see is a long, dark highway, filled with endless toll booths and... no exits.
Francine Fishpaw: [bursts in on Elmer and Sandra in a motel room] Caught you, didn't I? Right in the act of adultery! I won't stand for this, Elmer. I want a divorce! And a big, fat settlement to go along with it!
Elmer Fishpaw: You'll never get a penny out of me, you fat hunk of cellulite. I only support the women I love!
Elmer Fishpaw: Come on, Sandra. Get dressed. Let's go to some snazzy cocktail lounge and celebrate my new freedom.
Sandra Sullivan: But Elmer, what about Dexter and little Lu-Lu?
Elmer Fishpaw: [scoffing] Those two little bastards are a perfect argument for birth control. Children would get in the way of our erotic lifestyle!
Francine Fishpaw: Lu-Lu, there's a living thing inside of you... Oh Lu-Lu, that baby is part of you!
Lu-Lu Fishpaw: It's *stealing* part of me, you mean! I can feel it like cancer, getting bigger and bigger, like the Blob. One day it'll rip me open, and it'll be there in my life, ready to rob me of every bit of fun I deserve to have!
La Rue: You see what an alcoholic you are? You'd even drink gasoline if it was in a bottle! You stink like an alcoholic! Positively disgusting!
Elmer Fishpaw: [driving around his driveway, laughing while taunting Francine over a loudspeaker system attached to the roof of his car] Francine Fishpaw lives at 538 Wyman Way. She weighs 300 pounds, and is an alcoholic! She eats an entire cake at one sitting. You should see her stretch marks! Because of her drunkenness, both of her children are delinquents. She's the hairiest woman I've ever laid eyes on!
Lu-Lu Fishpaw: Dexter, forgive me for being so awful, but I've changed. Bo-Bo's dead, and... I've had a miscarriage.
Dexter Fishpaw: Oh, that's awful!
Lu-Lu Fishpaw: But I've discovered macramé! It's helped me find myself! I'm gentler now and more creative!
Todd Tomorrow: Hey, Flashlight! Get on over here!
Todd Tomorrow: [indicating Lu-Lu] Take that little whore down to the massage parlor where she belongs!
Todd Tomorrow: [indicating Dexter] And as for you, bunghole, you got an appointment at the House of Torture - with some very dirty old men! All right, chickens, move it!