Joan Crawford: Tear down that BITCH of a bearing wall and put a window where it OUGHT to be.
[addressing the men in the Pepsi boardroom]
Joan Crawford: Don't fuck with me fellas. This ain't my first time at the rodeo.
Carol Ann: [embracing Christina at Joan's funeral] Chris-*tina*! *Tina*!
Carol Ann: My little Tina. She always loved you so very much, Christina.
Christina: I need to believe that. I need so much to be able to believe that now.
Carol Ann: She did.
Joan Crawford: [after an ugly fight] I didn't mean that, Greg. I didn't mean it.
Greg Savitt: Get up. There's no camera in here.
Joan Crawford: Greg, where ya goin'?
Greg Savitt: Where I belong. Out of here.
Joan Crawford: You belong here. I'm waitin' for ya.
Greg Savitt: Good night, Joan.
Joan Crawford: Please don't leave, because if you do, you'll never come back in again, no matter what you say, or ask, or do.
Greg Savitt: I'll always wish you well, Joan. And I'll only speak well of you.
Joan Crawford: Please don't go! Don't leave me here alone. Please.
Greg Savitt: If you're acting, you're wasting your time. If you're not, you're wasting mine.
Joan Crawford: I'm not actin'! I'm not actin'.
Greg Savitt: Good night. Good luck. Goodbye.
[Maid comments how well Christina's acting talent is coming along]
Joan Crawford: Well, something good had to rub off.
Joan Crawford: [Christina is practicing her diving while Joan urges her on] Well that's good, but you've got to push off more with your weight. Come on, let's see another one.
Greg Savitt: She's had enough, Joan.
Christina Crawford: But I'm tired, Mommie.
Joan Crawford: QUITTER?
Christina: There's a liquor store to the right.
Joan Crawford: I should've know you'd know where to find the boys and the booze.
Joan Crawford: Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to? Why can't you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street?
Christina: Because I am NOT one of your fans.
Joan Crawford: No... wire... hangers. What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you: no wire hangers EVER? I work and work 'till I'm half-dead, and I hear people saying, "She's getting old." And what do I get? A daughter... who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I give her... as she cares about me. What's wire hangers doing in this closet? Answer me. I buy you beautiful dresses, and you treat them like they were some dishrag. You do. Three hundred dollar dress on a wire hanger. We'll see how many you've got if they're hidden somewhere. We'll see... we'll see. Get out of that bed. All of this is coming out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. You've got any more? We're gonna see how many wire hangers you've got in your closet. Wire hangers, why? Why? Christina, get out of that bed. Get out of that bed. You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood and you don't care if your clothes are stretched out from wire hangers. And your room looks like some two-dollar-a-week furnished room in some two-bit back street town in Okalahoma. Get up. Get up. Clean up this mess.
Joan Crawford: No wire hangers, ever!
Joan Crawford: Hauling me over to Mayer's table like some picked-up floozie! Or one of those starlets. Out to give the big shots a nice night in town. Is that what you think of me?
Greg Savitt: How many drinks is that? When you were a kid that made you look sexy. Now it just makes you look drunk.
Joan Crawford: [hurling her drink into Greg's face] I may as well have "property of MGM" tattooed on my back side! Dammit, Perrino's is MY PLACE.
Greg Savitt: Nobody wanted my signature, so I just walked in!
Joan Crawford: You expect me to ignore my fans, they're life and death to me, baby! They're the ones who really MADE ME!
Greg Savitt: I expect you to walk in with me and sit down at your table with me! Then Mayer would have to bring his bankers over, get your autograph and leave! That's what you should have done!
Joan Crawford: Well maybe that's what I would have done, if you'd been nice enough to stay out there with me, help me through the crowd and into the restaurant like a GENTLEMAN!
Greg Savitt: Why are you screaming?
Joan Crawford: BECAUSE I'M DAMN MAD! Dammit, Greg. How can you put Mayer over me? You know that son of a bitch is trying to destroy my career!
Greg Savitt: If your career's in trouble, it has nothing to do with him.
Joan Crawford: Then what is it?
Greg Savitt: You were always the shop girl who fought her way to the top, made a great success. Well, you're not a little shop girl anymore. Now, that's the truth, to face and deal with, if you want to survive. The truth is, you're getting old.
Joan Crawford: Yeah? You're nothing but a rotten, crooked lawyer... supplying the grease that makes this shitty movie business work. You think your life's a mystery? There isn't a dirty cover up in this entire business that I don't know about, and YOUR hand is in EVERY ONE of them... you REEK OF IT!
Greg Savitt: [grabs Joan and shakes her] DAMN YOU! Are you CRAZY? No person talks to me like that, NO ONE ANYWHERE! Are you crazy? ARE YOU? Tell me! TELL ME!
Joan Crawford: I'm crazy!
Joan Crawford: Did you scrub the bathroom floor today? DID YOU?
Christina Crawford: Yes, Mommie.
Joan Crawford: Yes, Mommie what?
Christina Crawford: Yes, Mommie Dearest.
Joan Crawford: When I told you to call me that, I wanted you to mean it.
Lawyer: [reading from Joan's will after her death] It is my intention to make no provision herein for my son Christopher or my daughter Christina, for reasons which are well known to them.
Christopher: What reasons?
Christina: (laughing bitterly) Jesus Christ.
Christopher: As usual, she has the last word.
Christina: Does she? Does she?
[after weathering a vicious rampage where Joan demolishes both her bedroom and bathroom]
Christina Crawford: Jesus Christ.
[Christina has been discovered making out with a boy in a stable]
Joan Crawford: How? How could this happen, how could you humiliate me this way? I am ashamed to be your mother!
[to Mrs. Chadwick]
Joan Crawford: And you? How could you let this happen?
Mrs. Chadwick: Both students have been put on probation and will have no privileges for a month.
Joan Crawford: Probation. This is appalling. I have devoted myself to making Christina a proper young lady. That boy should be EXPELLED.
Mrs. Chadwick: Now, Miss Crawford. When this sort of thing has happened before, we've...
Joan Crawford: BEFORE? Is this an institution of learning or a teenage brothel?
Mrs. Chadwick: Chadwick has an impeccable reputation. And when students break the rules we curtail their freedom.
Joan Crawford: Well, we are leaving here, right now. Obviously she cannot be controlled in this environment.
Mrs. Chadwick: Nothing really happened between your daughter and the young man, it was innocent.
Joan Crawford: No thanks to you.
Mrs. Chadwick: I think you're overreacting, Miss Crawford.
Joan Crawford: And I think you're underreacting, Mrs. Chadwick.
Joan Crawford: [Grabs Christina and drags her to the door] My compliments to your school on its impeccable reputation. CHRISTINA, COME ON.
Joan Crawford: [after giving Christina a pearl necklace as a gift] Oh, and Tina - if you don't get this part, for Chrissakes, don't hock 'em.
Christina Crawford: [Christina lectures her baby dolls after making Joan mad] You were very, very bad to wake Mommie up like that. VERY naughty. I told you, Mommie has to be beautiful today. This afternoon, she has to see MISTER MAYER. Today is so important. You are thoughtless and selfish. You must learn to think about other people. You are bad, bad spoiled children.
Joan Crawford: [Joan addresses the fans camped out in front of her house on Oscar night] I would rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world. You, all of you here and everywhere, gave me this award tonight. And I accept it from you and only you. I love all of you. Now please forgive me, good night.
Joan Crawford: I'd rather you go bald to school than looking like a tramp.
Joan Crawford: The biggest female star he's got... ever had... and he's burying me alive. Survive. Survive.
Joan Crawford: [cutting off her daughter's hair] You spoiled it, just like I spoiled you.
Joan Crawford: [muttering to herself, hacking down the rose garden] Hollywood royalty! Parted friends... everyone already knows! Box office poison! Box office poison! Class! You're... class... you're... class... box office poison! Eighteen years in the business and we parted friends! Creative differences!
[notices the others]
Joan Crawford: Oh... good! I wan't some help here! I want ALL of these branches cleared out of here now. Carol-Ann, Christopher, start clearing away all these branches, start gathering them up.
Joan Crawford: Go on... get the wheelbarrow and the rake!
[suddenly noticing an orange tree]
Joan Crawford: Tina! Bring me the axe!
Joan Crawford: The sword cuts both ways
Joan Crawford: Christina. Christopher. Damn it.
[Joan has just easily beaten Christina in a pool race]
Joan Crawford: Oh, you lost again.
Christina Crawford: It's not fair. You're bigger than I am, it's not fair to win twice.
Joan Crawford: AH, but nobody ever said life was fair, Tina. I'm bigger and I'm faster. I will always beat you.
Christina Crawford: Then I'm not gonna play with you any more. EVER.
Joan Crawford: Don't you EVER use that tone of voice with me, missy. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO? I'll tell you what you're gonna do, you're gonna MARCH yourself UPSTAIRS to your room and you will STAY THERE until I tell you to come out.
Christina Crawford: No I won't.
Joan Crawford: No you won't? Yes... you... WILL.
[spanks Tina, but she resists]
Joan Crawford: You will go up...
Christina Crawford: I WON'T GO.
Joan Crawford: ALL RIGHT, all right. You will stay in here until you are ready to behave...
Christina Crawford: I WON'T. NO I WON'T. I WON'T.
Joan Crawford: ...AND TO APOLOGIZE.
Christina Crawford: I won't.
Joan Crawford: Get IN.
[slams her in the pool house]
Christina Crawford: AAAAAHHHHH, MOMMIE.
Joan Crawford: Why must EVERYTHING be a CONTEST?
Pepsi Chairman: Apparently the Board has failed to realize the extent of your interest in the company, apart from Al's position. We... misjudged. We shall be... pleased... to have you stay on.
Joan Crawford: Thank you, gentlemen. Now let's get to work...
Carol Ann: Your mother's been practicing and practicing. You know how perfect she always wants to be. Well this time, she must be perfect. Do you understand?
Christina Crawford: She wants everything to be perfect.
[after discovering dirt underneath a large indoor planter]
Joan Crawford: Ohhhh... Helga. When you polish the floor, you have the move the tree. If you can't do something right, don't do it at all.
Helga: I'm sorry, Miss Crawford...
Joan Crawford: Gimmie the soap. You see, Carol Ann, you've got to stay on top of things every single minute.
Joan Crawford: Carol Ann, will you get that?
Carol Ann: Yes, Miss Crawford.
Joan Crawford: Helga, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt.
Joan Crawford: You drove Al Steele to his grave, and now you're trying to stab me in the back? Forget it. I fought worse monsters than you for years in Hollywood. I know how to win the hard way.
Joan Crawford: SCRUB, Christina. SCRUB.
Joan Crawford: Look at this floor. Do you call that clean? Do you?
Christina Crawford: Miss Jenkins said it was clean.
Joan Crawford: Miss Jenkins said it was clean? Do YOU think it's clean? Do YOU think it's clean? Look at that, DO you?
Christina Crawford: Yes, I do.
Joan Crawford: You are a lousy substitute for someone who really cares.
Joan Crawford: Times are tough; still I treat you to a lovely evening, and I get smart-alek BACKTALK.
[discovers her boyfriend making out with Christina in the stable]
Vera: Swell. This is really swell.
Vera: I'm going to tell. Oh, I am, I am going to TELL.
[Christina has a bloody piece of steak on her lunch plate]
Joan Crawford: Christina, you haven't touched your lunch.
Christina Crawford: It's raw.
Joan Crawford: It's rare, not raw.
Christina Crawford: But it's got all this red juice when you push on it.
Joan Crawford: Then don't push on it. Darling, rare meat is good for you. The doctor said so. Christina, meat loses its vitamins if it's overcooked.
Christina Crawford: But I've had my vitamins this morning. Pills.
Joan Crawford: [to Carol-Ann] She negotiates everything like a goddamn Hollywood agent. Christina, eat your lunch. You are not getting up from this table until you have finished that meat.
[Joan is drunk and stumbling over her lines in a live-television soap opera]
Joan Crawford: Bill... could you... could you CALL...
Bill (Actor In Soap): You want me to call Cindy for you?
Joan Crawford: Yes. You know, she, uh... she wants to...
Bill (Actor In Soap): I know that she wants to have an affair with Robert. But, are you sure his divorce is final?
Joan Crawford: If his DIVORCE is final?
[Joan is passed out in her dressing room]
Christina Crawford: I came in and I found her like this. You think she needs an ambulance?
Carol Ann: She doesn't need an ambulance. She's drunk.
[at a press conference on her wedding day]
Joan Crawford: You know, a few minutes ago a reporter asked me what I thought and how I would describe the marriage between the soft drink King and the Queen of Hollywood. I told him I thought it was a hell of a match.
Alfred Steele: That's my Pally.
Joan Crawford: Oh, "Pally". That's what he calls ya when he can't remember your name.
Alfred Steele: Don't let her kid you, I remember her name. It's Mrs. Alfred Steele. Right, Pally?
Joan Crawford: Right.
Joan Crawford: [hacking off Christina's hair with scissors] YOU BE QUIET.
Joan Crawford: [Joan is pouring booze from her flask] Hey, you know where I got this from?
Christina: Uh uh.
Joan Crawford: BATISTA himself.
Joan Crawford: When I opened a plant outside Havana.
Christina: That's all they gave you?
Joan Crawford: That's it. Cheap bastards.
Christina: How are you, Miss Bennett?
Barbara Bennett: God, call me Barbara. They're teaching you some fancy manners at Chadwick.
Joan Crawford: That's not ALL they've been teaching her.
Joan Crawford: Why do you deliberately defy me?
Christina: Why did you tell her I got expelled?
Joan Crawford: Because you DID get expelled.
Christina: That... is a LIE.
Joan Crawford: [Smacking Christina hard across the face twice] You love it, don't you? YOU LOVE TO MAKE ME HIT YOU.
Barbara Bennett: Joan.
Joan Crawford: Barbara, PLEASE. PLEASE, Barbara. Leave us alone, Barbara. If you need anything, ask Carol Ann.
Joan Crawford: This is wonderful. THIS IS WONDERFUL. YOU. You deliberately embarrassed me in front of a REPORTER.
Joan Crawford: A REPORTER. I told you how important this to me, I TOLD YOU.
Alfred Steele: Joan, you've got to understand it's a public company, for Chrissakes. This isn't Hollywood where someone takes care of things with a phone call, this is the REAL world.
Christina Crawford: [pretending to be Joan] Oh yes, it was thrilling. I'm so grateful to you all... my WONderful fans, who made me a star. Oh yes. It was thrilling. I'm so grateful to you all. My WON-der-ful fans, who made ME a star... MOMMIE?
Joan Crawford: Greg. You're early.
Greg Savitt: Only an hour and a half.
Joan Crawford: Oh, take your shoes off. I just washed that floor.
Greg Savitt: What about the socks?
Joan Crawford: [dramatic pause] I can handle the socks.
Christina: [in character as Antigone] Understand. The first word I ever heard out of any of you was that word, understand. There'll be time enough to understand when I'm old, if I ever am old. Oh, but not now.
Adoption agency official: I'm afraid I have some difficult news for you, Miss Crawford. The agency has denied your application for adoption.
Joan Crawford: Why?
Adoption agency official: Well... you live alone. There are no other family members in the home. You have two previous divorces. You're a busy, active woman, and the candidate is found to be an unsuitable parent.
Joan Crawford: [suddenly enraged] UNSUITABLE?
Adoption agency official: Please, Miss Crawford!
Joan Crawford: Don't you dare judge me!
Adoption agency official: We have a moral and legal responsibility in this job.
Joan Crawford: Obviously you don't understand. What you're really doing is denying one of your children the opportunity to live a wonderful and advantaged life! How sad that is. Good afternoon.
Joan Crawford: [holding a potential script in her hands] It's not good!
Ted Gelber: Oh, you didn't like it?
Joan Crawford: No, it's NOT good!
Louis B. Mayer: Joan, my Joan, you're in a position to do me a favor that will be as big a favor for you as it is for me.
Joan Crawford: You don't have to ask! You only have to tell me.
Louis B. Mayer: Good. I want you to leave Metro.
Joan Crawford: Leave Metro? Leave Metro?
Louis B. Mayer: Your pictures one after another are losing money. Theater owners voted you "box office poison". Still for years I've paid no attention. You know me, Joan. I don't give up so easily. We'll pay you off on your contract. But you can't afford to make three or four more losers for us.
Joan Crawford: It's the scripts, L.B. Bad pictures, bad directors...
Louis B. Mayer: Bad with you, good with others.
Joan Crawford: No, listen to me L.B., I have been BEGGING YOU... begging you for a good script. Now you've always given me my share of bad movies because you knew I'd make them work. Well I can't keep doing it, L.B.!
Louis B. Mayer: Listen with your ears and not with your pride. With me, feeling is more important than money. You're a great star! You're Hollywood royalty! But styles change. You'll leave. We have 'creative differences'. Other studios will think they're smarter than L.B., they'll try to finesse me. You'll be offered two, three, four films. You may even get a hit!
Joan Crawford: Will you be sorry then?
Louis B. Mayer: I'm sorry now. But here there's no feeling, no hope. New faces, new voices, breath of fresh air, who knows. Don't do this to yourself.
Joan Crawford: I'll have my maid and studio people clear out my bungalow. I've got a lot of years to collect.
Louis B. Mayer: It's done, Joan. They've packed your things, they're loading your car.
Joan Crawford: You mean everybody already knows?
Louis B. Mayer: That we parted friends because we didn't agree.
Joan Crawford: Will you walk me to my car?
[L.B. doesn't answer]
Joan Crawford: "Hollywood royalty".
[walks out alone]
Christina Crawford: My babies! Someone stole both my babies!
Joan Crawford: That's good, darling. They were thoughtless, selfish, spoiled children. Now they won't wake you up when you need your rest.
Mr. Dodd: My daughter Ellen would love to have your signature, Miss Crawford.
Joan Crawford: Of course!
Louis B. Mayer: You see? She didn't ask for L.B. Mayer's signature!
Joan Crawford: That's because she's not as smart as her father. She doesn't know that you are King!
Louis B. Mayer: [Joan gets up to leave] Where are you going? Come join us, we're having dinner! You're one of the reasons bankers love Metro.
Joan Crawford: No, thank you, L.B., but our table is ready.
Louis B. Mayer: I insist.
Louis B. Mayer: You're aces, Joanie!
Joan Crawford: I'm glad you think that, L.B., because aces beat kings!
Louis B. Mayer: Not in Hollywood, dear.
Christina Crawford: [Entering Joan's bedroom after seeing her dolls are missing] My babies! Someone stole both my babies!
Joan Crawford: [Rubbing skin lotion on her arms] That's good, darling. They were thoughtless, selfish, spoiled children - now they won't wake you up when you need your rest.
Christina: [Seeing Joan in her coffin] Oh Mommie. I always loved you so. It's over. The Pain. There's no more pain. You're free. Free. Oh Mommie...
[she starts to cry]