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History of the World: Part I (1981) Poster

Quotes

Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...

[drops one of the tablets]

Moses: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!

Oedipus: [walking around collecting donations] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!

Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!

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Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?

Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.

Dole Office Clerk: What?

Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.

Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!

Comicus: *Grumble*...

Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?

Comicus: No.

Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?

Comicus: Yes!

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Empress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?

Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!

Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.

Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!

Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!

Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!

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Jew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!

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Marcus Vindictus: Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!

Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!

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King Louis XVI: It's good to be the king.

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Swiftus: Oh, you are nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts!

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Count de Monet: Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise!

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Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we do not even have a language! Just this stupid accent!

Fellow Revolutionist: She's right, she's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!

[impersonates the Chevalier laugh]

Fellow Revolutionist: Au-haw-haw.

Crowd: Au-haw-haw.

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Empress Nympho: [to her litter bearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!

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Comicus: Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...

Swiftus: How poor are they?

Comicus: Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!

[drumbeat, everyone laughs]

Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.

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Count de Monet: Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy!

King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit!

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[while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]

Marcus Vindictus: He's a eunuch.

Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.

[she moves to another one, dancing harder]

Marcus Vindictus: *He's* a eunuch.

Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.

[she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]

Marcus Vindictus: He's *dead!*

Captain Mucus: Hmm.

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Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!

[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]

Citizen Official: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?

Jacques: None!

Citizen Official: Have you any last request?

Jacques: None!

Citizen Official: Test the guillotine!

[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]

Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!

Citizen Official: What is your last request?

Jacques: Novocaine!

[the Official confers with the Executioner]

Citizen Official: There is no such thing known to medical science!

Jacques: I'll wait!

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Jew #2: I was sitting in a temple / I was minding my own business / I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass / Then these papist persons plunge in / And they throw me in the dungeon / And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass / Is that considerate? / Is that polite? / And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!

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Bearnaise: Pardon! Pardon! Pardon!

Count de Monet: Yes?

Bearnaise: You are pissing on my shoe.

Count de Monet: [grinning] Sorry...

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Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.

King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!

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King Louis XVI: Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!

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Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.

King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out.

Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.

King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...

Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't!

King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!

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Marcus Vindictus: The rest of you will run with Mucas!

[all soldiers start muttering 'ewwww']

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Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth... the critic.

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Auctioneer: What country are you from?

Josephus: Ethiopia.

Auctioneer: What part?

Josephus: 125th Street!

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[while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]

Jacques: [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.

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King Louis XVI: Ah, now there's a naughty bit o' crumpet!

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Count de Monet: Where is the King?

Gerard: Playing chess.

Bearnaise: Chess! I hate chess!

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Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?

Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.

Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!

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Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!

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[Condemned for offending Emperor Ceaser with his stand-up routine]

Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!

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Plumbing Salesman: Yes, citizens, plumbing! It's the latest invention to hit Rome! It moves water from one place to another! It's astounding, it's amazing! Get on the bandwagon! Pipe the shit right out of your house!

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Leader of Senate: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?

Entire Senate: FUCK THE POOR!

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Insolent Flunky: Count Da Money!

Count de Monet: De Monet! Say it... Mo - nay! Say it with me, Mo - nay!

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Narrator: See: Hitler on Ice!

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Chief Monk: Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!

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Emperor Nero: Here, wash this!

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King Louis XVI: [sniffs cocaine into each nostril] Everything's so green.

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Monsieur Rimbaud: [falls flat on face] What fool put a carpet on the wall?

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Roman Officer: Seize him!

Josephus: [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!

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Roman Officer: Do you know the penalty for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?

[people in the crowd raise hands enthusiastically]

Roman Officer: Ok, you... you had your hand up first.

Man in crowd: Death by torture!

Roman Officer: No... You?

Man in crowd: Crucifixion!

Roman Officer: Wrong! You?

Man in crowd: They shove a living snake up your ass!

Roman Officer: Ah, no... but that's very creative!

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Judas: No, No! Leave us alone!

Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus!

Jesus: Yes?

Comicus: What?

Jesus: What?

Comicus: What?

Jesus: Yes?

Comicus: Jesus!

Jesus: Yes?

Comicus: What?

Jesus: What?

Comicus: You said what.

Jesus: Yes?

Comicus: Nothing.

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Jaques: Josephus! How did you get here from the Roman Empire?

Josephus: Don't be square, mon cher! Movies is magic!

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Josephus: Not to worry, not to worry... we are now armed with *mighty joint!*

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Captain Mucus: [stoned] You men go northwest! You men go southwest! I'm gonna walk around right here in a circle.

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Chemist: What are you looking for?

Marcus Vindictus: A pack of Trojans!

Chemist: Gee, I just ran out!

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Marcus Vindictus: [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!

Comicus: [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!

[kicks Marcus in the groin]

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Stoned Soldier: Do you care if it falls?

Stoned Soldier: What?

Stoned Soldier: The Roman Empire?

Stoned Soldier: [laughs] Fuck it!

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Torquemada: [singing] I asked 'em nicely! I said pretty please! They wouldn't convert, so I'll bang on their knees!

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Chief Monk: Torquemada... do not implore him for compassion.Torquemada... do not beg him for forgiveness.Torquemada... do not ask him for mercy.Let's face it,you can't Torquemada anything!

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Marcus Vindictus: Caladonia! Let's make their big head so hard!

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Marcus Vindictus: [When a feather on Josephus' fan rises depicting an erection] The jig is up!

Josephus: And gone!

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Jacques: [about to be executed in Louis's place] Please, please believe me, I'm not the king!

Crowd: BULLSHIT!

Jacques: This is a very hard crowd!

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[Rimbaud's father has been thrown in prison for making an offhand remark at a party]

King Louis XVI: What did he say?

Mademoiselle Rimbaud: He said, "The poor ain't so bad."

King Louis XVI: [shocked] "The poor ain't so bad?" Huh, you're lucky he's still alive!

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Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?

Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Gladiator.

Dole Office Clerk: Did you kill last week?

Gladiator - The Roman Empire: No.

Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to kill last week?

Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Yeah.

Dole Office Clerk: Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it?

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Miriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?

Comicus: Miracle... uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.

Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam. I'm a Vestal Virgin.

Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that!

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Dole Office Clerk: I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.

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Bearnaise: I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls!

Count de Monet: At least I have them!

Bearnaise: Bitch!

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Poppinjay: [muffled in to megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!

King Louis XVI: What the hell did you say?

Poppinjay: [turning to King Louis XVI without removing the megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!

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Josephus: [pouring the Empress some wine] Say when.

Empress Nympho: [she looks him up and down] 8:30.

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King Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money!

Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... "

King Louis XVI: DON'T correct me!

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Madame DeFarge: We, the people of France...

Fellow Revolutionist: Fraunce.

Madame DeFarge: Fraunce...

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Comicus: I'm fighting with cardboard!

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[as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph]

Court Spokesman: [whispering in his ear] Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou...

Marcus Vindictus: [whispering] Oh, blow it out your ass!

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Marcus Vindictus: Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...

Emperor Nero: What's under the sheet?

Marcus Vindictus: Sheet?

Emperor Nero: SHEET!

Marcus Vindictus: Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...

[whips off the sheet]

Marcus Vindictus: Bathing basin!

Emperor Nero: Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.

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[Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin]

Captain Mucus: Commander, what happened? Where are they?

Marcus Vindictus: [high-pitched voice] Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!

Captain Mucus: Onward!

[the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him]

Marcus Vindictus: Get me an ice pack! Hurry!

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Miriam: We've got to get out of Rome!

Josephus: But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers! See?

[they look down and see soldiers crawling, literally, across the street]

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Count de Monet: [to the piss boy] Wait for the shake!

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[hawking in the Forum]

Column Salesman: Columns, columns! Get your columns here! Ionic, Doric, Corinthian! Put a few columns in front, turn any hovel into a showplace! Columns...! Sir, don't touch the merchandise! All right now, columns, columns!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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