Quotes
Auctioneer: What country are you from?
Josephus: Ethiopia.
Auctioneer: What part?
Josephus: 125th Street!
Share thisCount de Monet: Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise!
Share thisDole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
Comicus: *Grumble*...
Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
Comicus: No.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
Comicus: Yes!
Share thisJew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!
Share this[Rimbaud's father has been thrown in prison for making an offhand remark at a party]
King Louis XVI: What did he say?
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: He said, "The poor ain't so bad."
King Louis XVI: [shocked] "The poor ain't so bad?" Huh, you're lucky he's still alive!
Share this[while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]
Jacques: [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.
Share thisJacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!
[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Citizen Official: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
Jacques: None!
Citizen Official: Have you any last request?
Jacques: None!
Citizen Official: Test the guillotine!
[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!
Citizen Official: What is your last request?
Jacques: Novocaine!
[the Official confers with the Executioner]
Citizen Official: There is no such thing known to medical science!
Jacques: I'll wait!
Share thisKing Louis XVI: Ah, now there's a naughty bit o' crumpet!
Share thisJew #2: I was sitting in a temple / I was minding my own business / I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass / Then these papist persons plunge in / And they throw me in the dungeon / And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass / Is that considerate? / Is that polite? / And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
Share thisCount de Monet: Where is the King?
Gerard: Playing chess.
Bearnaise: Chess! I hate chess!
Share thisBearnaise: Pardon! Pardon! Pardon!
Count de Monet: Yes?
Bearnaise: You are pissing on my shoe.
Count de Monet: [grinning] Sorry...
Share thisEmpress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!
Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!
Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!
Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
Share thisMarcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
Share thisOedipus: [walking around collecting donations] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!
Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
Share thisSwiftus: Oh, you are nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts!
Share thisMadame DeFarge: We are so poor, we do not even have a language! Just this stupid accent!
Fellow Revolutionist: She's right, she's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!
[impersonates the Chevalier laugh]
Fellow Revolutionist: Au-haw-haw.
Crowd: Au-haw-haw.
Share thisEmpress Nympho: [to her litter bearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
Share thisEmpress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
Share thisNarrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth... the critic.
Share thisMarcus Vindictus: Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
Share thisComicus: Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...
Swiftus: How poor are they?
Comicus: Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
Share this[Condemned for offending Emperor Ceaser with his stand-up routine]
Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
Share thisCount de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
Share thisPlumbing Salesman: Yes, citizens, plumbing! It's the latest invention to hit Rome! It moves water from one place to another! It's astounding, it's amazing! Get on the bandwagon! Pipe the shit right out of your house!
Share thisLeader of Senate: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?
Entire Senate: FUCK THE POOR!
Share thisCount de Monet: Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy!
King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit!
Share thisInsolent Flunky: Count Da Money!
Count de Monet: De Monet! Say it... Mo - nay! Say it with me, Mo - nay!
Share thisDole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Gladiator.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: No.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Yeah.
Dole Office Clerk: Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it?
Share thisMiriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
Comicus: Miracle... uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam. I'm a Vestal Virgin.
Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that!
Share thisNarrator: See: Hitler on Ice!
Share thisChief Monk: Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
Share thisDole Office Clerk: I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.
Share thisEmperor Nero: Here, wash this!
Share thisKing Louis XVI: [sniffs cocaine into each nostril] Everything's so green.
Share thisBearnaise: I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls!
Count de Monet: At least I have them!
Bearnaise: Bitch!
Share thisMonsieur Rimbaud: [falls flat on face] What fool put a carpet on the wall?
Share thisRoman Officer: Do you know the penalty for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
[people in the crowd raise hands enthusiastically]
Roman Officer: Ok, you... you had your hand up first.
Man in crowd: Death by torture!
Roman Officer: No... You?
Man in crowd: Crucifixion!
Roman Officer: Wrong! You?
Man in crowd: They shove a living snake up your ass!
Roman Officer: Ah, no... but that's very creative!
Share thisKing Louis XVI: Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!
Share thisPoppinjay: [muffled in to megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
King Louis XVI: What the hell did you say?
Poppinjay: [turning to King Louis XVI without removing the megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
Share thisJudas: No, No! Leave us alone!
Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus!
Jesus: Yes?
Comicus: What?
Jesus: What?
Comicus: What?
Jesus: Yes?
Comicus: Jesus!
Jesus: Yes?
Comicus: What?
Jesus: What?
Comicus: You said what.
Jesus: Yes?
Comicus: Nothing.
Share thisMoses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...
[drops one of the tablets]
Moses: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
Share thisJaques: Josephus! How did you get here from the Roman Empire?
Josephus: Don't be square, mon cher! Movies is magic!
Share thisJosephus: Not to worry, not to worry... we are now armed with *mighty joint!*
Share thisMademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out.
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't!
King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
Share thisJosephus: [pouring the Empress some wine] Say when.
Empress Nympho: [she looks him up and down] 8:30.
Share thisKing Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money!
Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... "
King Louis XVI: DON'T correct me!
Share thisMadame DeFarge: We, the people of France...
Fellow Revolutionist: Fraunce.
Madame DeFarge: Fraunce...
Share thisComicus: I'm fighting with cardboard!
Share thisCaptain Mucus: [stoned] You men go northwest! You men go southwest! I'm gonna walk around right here in a circle.
Share thisChemist: What are you looking for?
Marcus Vindictus: A pack of Trojans!
Chemist: Gee, I just ran out!
Share thisMarcus Vindictus: [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!
Comicus: [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!
[kicks Marcus in the groin]
Share thisKing Louis XVI: It's good to be the king.
Share this[as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph]
Court Spokesman: [whispering in his ear] Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou...
Marcus Vindictus: [whispering] Oh, blow it out your ass!
Share this[while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]
Marcus Vindictus: He's a eunuch.
Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to another one, dancing harder]
Marcus Vindictus: *He's* a eunuch.
Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]
Marcus Vindictus: He's *dead!*
Captain Mucus: Hmm.
Share thisMarcus Vindictus: Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...
Emperor Nero: What's under the sheet?
Marcus Vindictus: Sheet?
Emperor Nero: SHEET!
Marcus Vindictus: Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...
[whips off the sheet]
Marcus Vindictus: Bathing basin!
Emperor Nero: Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.
Share this[Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin]
Captain Mucus: Commander, what happened? Where are they?
Marcus Vindictus: [high-pitched voice] Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!
Captain Mucus: Onward!
[the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him]
Marcus Vindictus: Get me an ice pack! Hurry!
Share thisMiriam: We've got to get out of Rome!
Josephus: But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers! See?
[they look down and see soldiers crawling, literally, across the street]
Share thisCount de Monet: [to the piss boy] Wait for the shake!
Share this[hawking in the Forum]
Column Salesman: Columns, columns! Get your columns here! Ionic, Doric, Corinthian! Put a few columns in front, turn any hovel into a showplace! Columns...! Sir, don't touch the merchandise! All right now, columns, columns!
Share thisStoned Soldier: Do you care if it falls?
Stoned Soldier: What?
Stoned Soldier: The Roman Empire?
Stoned Soldier: [laughs] Fuck it!
Share thisTorquemada: [singing] I asked 'em nicely! I said pretty please! They wouldn't convert, so I'll bang on their knees!
Share thisMarcus Vindictus: The rest of you will run with Mucas!
[all soldiers start muttering 'ewwww']
Share thisChief Monk: Torquemada... do not implore him for compassion.Torquemada... do not beg him for forgiveness.Torquemada... do not ask him for mercy.Let's face it,you can't Torquemada anything!
Share thisMarcus Vindictus: Caladonia! Let's make their big head so hard!
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