History of the World: Part I (1981)
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
Jew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!
Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!
[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Citizen Official: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
Citizen Official: Have you any last request?
Citizen Official: Test the guillotine!
[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!
Citizen Official: What is your last request?
[the Official confers with the Executioner]
Citizen Official: There is no such thing known to medical science!
Jacques: I'll wait!
Empress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!
Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
Oedipus: [walking around collecting donations] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!
Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we do not even have a language! Just this stupid accent!
Fellow Revolutionist: She's right, she's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!
[impersonates the Chevalier laugh]
Fellow Revolutionist: Au-haw-haw.
Marcus Vindictus: Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...
[drops one of the tablets]
Moses: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out.
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't!
King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
Auctioneer: What country are you from?
Auctioneer: What part?
Josephus: 125th Street!
[Rimbaud's father has been thrown in prison for making an offhand remark at a party]
King Louis XVI: What did he say?
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: He said, "The poor ain't so bad."
King Louis XVI: [shocked] "The poor ain't so bad?" Huh, you're lucky he's still alive!
[while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]
Jacques: [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.
Jew #2: I was sitting in a temple / I was minding my own business / I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass / Then these papist persons plunge in / And they throw me in the dungeon / And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass / Is that considerate? / Is that polite? / And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
Count de Monet: Where is the King?
Gerard: Playing chess.
Bearnaise: Chess! I hate chess!
Bearnaise: Pardon! Pardon! Pardon!
Count de Monet: Yes?
Bearnaise: You are pissing on my shoe.
Count de Monet: [grinning] Sorry...
Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
Empress Nympho: [to her litter bearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth... the critic.
Comicus: Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...
Swiftus: How poor are they?
Comicus: Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
[Condemned for offending Emperor Ceaser with his stand-up routine]
Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
Plumbing Salesman: Yes, citizens, plumbing! It's the latest invention to hit Rome! It moves water from one place to another! It's astounding, it's amazing! Get on the bandwagon! Pipe the shit right out of your house!
Leader of Senate: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?
Entire Senate: FUCK THE POOR!
Count de Monet: Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy!
King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit!
Insolent Flunky: Count Da Money!
Count de Monet: De Monet! Say it... Mo - nay! Say it with me, Mo - nay!
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Gladiator.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you kill last week?
Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Yeah.
Dole Office Clerk: Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it?
Miriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
Comicus: Miracle... uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam. I'm a Vestal Virgin.
Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that!
Chief Monk: Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
King Louis XVI: [sniffs cocaine into each nostril] Everything's so green.
Bearnaise: I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls!
Count de Monet: At least I have them!
Monsieur Rimbaud: [falls flat on face] What fool put a carpet on the wall?
Roman Officer: Seize him!
Josephus: [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
Roman Officer: Do you know the penalty for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
[people in the crowd raise hands enthusiastically]
Roman Officer: Ok, you... you had your hand up first.
Man in crowd: Death by torture!
Roman Officer: No... You?
Man in crowd: Crucifixion!
Roman Officer: Wrong! You?
Man in crowd: They shove a living snake up your ass!
Roman Officer: Ah, no... but that's very creative!
King Louis XVI: Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!
Poppinjay: [muffled in to megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
King Louis XVI: What the hell did you say?
Poppinjay: [turning to King Louis XVI without removing the megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
Judas: No, No! Leave us alone!
Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus!
Comicus: You said what.
Jaques: Josephus! How did you get here from the Roman Empire?
Josephus: Don't be square, mon cher! Movies is magic!
Josephus: Not to worry, not to worry... we are now armed with *mighty joint!*
Josephus: [pouring the Empress some wine] Say when.
Empress Nympho: [she looks him up and down] 8:30.
King Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money!
Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... "
King Louis XVI: DON'T correct me!
Madame DeFarge: We, the people of France...
Fellow Revolutionist: Fraunce.
Madame DeFarge: Fraunce...
Captain Mucus: [stoned] You men go northwest! You men go southwest! I'm gonna walk around right here in a circle.
Chemist: What are you looking for?
Marcus Vindictus: A pack of Trojans!
Chemist: Gee, I just ran out!
Marcus Vindictus: [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!
Comicus: [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!
[kicks Marcus in the groin]
[as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph]
Court Spokesman: [whispering in his ear] Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou...
Marcus Vindictus: [whispering] Oh, blow it out your ass!
[while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]
Marcus Vindictus: He's a eunuch.
Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to another one, dancing harder]
Marcus Vindictus: *He's* a eunuch.
Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]
Marcus Vindictus: He's *dead!*
Captain Mucus: Hmm.
Marcus Vindictus: Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...
Emperor Nero: What's under the sheet?
Marcus Vindictus: Sheet?
Emperor Nero: SHEET!
Marcus Vindictus: Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...
[whips off the sheet]
Marcus Vindictus: Bathing basin!
Emperor Nero: Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.
[Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin]
Captain Mucus: Commander, what happened? Where are they?
Marcus Vindictus: [high-pitched voice] Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!
Captain Mucus: Onward!
[the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him]
Marcus Vindictus: Get me an ice pack! Hurry!
Miriam: We've got to get out of Rome!
Josephus: But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers! See?
[they look down and see soldiers crawling, literally, across the street]
[hawking in the Forum]
Column Salesman: Columns, columns! Get your columns here! Ionic, Doric, Corinthian! Put a few columns in front, turn any hovel into a showplace! Columns...! Sir, don't touch the merchandise! All right now, columns, columns!
Stoned Soldier: Do you care if it falls?
Stoned Soldier: What?
Stoned Soldier: The Roman Empire?
Stoned Soldier: [laughs] Fuck it!
Torquemada: [singing] I asked 'em nicely! I said pretty please! They wouldn't convert, so I'll bang on their knees!
Marcus Vindictus: The rest of you will run with Mucas!
[all soldiers start muttering 'ewwww']
Chief Monk: Torquemada... do not implore him for compassion.Torquemada... do not beg him for forgiveness.Torquemada... do not ask him for mercy.Let's face it,you can't Torquemada anything!