A high school transfer student, pushed to the edge by a trio of brutal bullies, resorts to murder to reclaim the school from oppression, and later turns against the students wanting to fill the vacuum of their oppressors.
In the prehistory of man, 12,000 years ago, two members of a superhuman tribe abuse the treasured secret of eternal youth. They use the methods of ritual cannibalism on the children of their own tribe and when discovered by the 'Queen' of the tribe, they are cursed to an eternity of old age with no chance to ever die. Now, in present day Los Angeles, their only hope to recapture eternal youth is the ritualistic sacrifice of a 16-year-old female virgin. Their existence is discovered by an investigative reporter and a young runaway child and this leads to an unexplained and terrifying confrontation. Written by
Don't Go Near The Park concerns a prehistoric couple who are doomed to eternal dying by their tribe's matriarch. Their crime was incest and cannibalism. So, somewhat strangely, they are informed that they will age 10 years for every year unless, wait for it, they feast on human flesh. I feel that this punishment will not show these errant cannibals the error of their ways. And so it proves. 12,000 years later these aforementioned maniacs are living by a park in the U.S.A. where they are tasked with slaughtering a virgin of their tribe when the twin stars of the wolf flank the moon. By doing so, the curse will be lifted. To be perfectly honest, they aren't looking too bad for people who are 120,000 years old. They set about disembowelling random unfortunates in order regain their youth. Gar, the male half of this psychotic magical caveman duo, decides to attain a bride in order to impregnate her and eat their offspring at the exact moment of zodiac re-alignment. His technique for acquiring a wife is unorthodox to say the least he stalks a woman and surprises her as she is coming out of the shower. Naturally, she does not suspect that he is a crazed psychopath and allows him to stay in her spare room. Shortly afterwards he stares at her in a highly creepy manner, she takes her clothes off and they are married a minute later.
Gar prefers his daughter, Bondi, to his wife, "she's better than you, you bitch" he points out. But the bad atmosphere at home leads Bondi to hitch a ride with a van full of sex offenders. They try to have their way with Bondi but, fortunately, she has a magical red amulet - a present from her father - which makes the brakes of the van fail. Bondi is teleported out just before the van of perverts veers off a bridge and results in a hilariously enormous explosion.
Bondi finds her way to a farmhouse where Gar's prehistoric partner, Tra, lives with a bubble-permed midget and a ponce called Cowboy. The midget subsequently discovers that the park nearby is cursed and is inhabited by a couple of magic cannibals, one of which is Tra, his guardian. On returning to the house Tra frightens off the midget and Bondi the midget suffering a tragic two metre fall from a tree into a stack of hay. Bondi runs into the park where she is scared by a dog, she falls over and rolls very slowly down a grassy hill into the cave where Gar and Tra live. Bondi then encounters her dad Gar, fully kitted out in prehistoric gear, i.e. P.E. shorts and New Romantic make-up. He is joined by Tra and they show off by firing laser beams from their eyes and displaying the power to create fire with a wave of their hands. Skills that would've been worth using earlier on in the film if truth be told but what do I know. Anyway, things come to a conclusion shortly afterwards, I won't spoil the fun by giving away the monumental events that take place.
Don't Go Near The Park was on the Video Nasty list and certainly has this to thank for anyone having an interest in it nowadays. It is a very bad movie. The acting is terrible. The music appears to have been taken from a batch of different soundtracks from other films and pasted in randomly. The editing is extraordinary it is the worst I can recall having seen scenes cut into each other suddenly, occasionally before a sentence has ended. Everything about it is bad. But this is not to be taken as a criticism, as it is heroically bad. I would far rather watch a deranged bad film such as this than a tediously mediocre one. One for Bad Movie Night!
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