Memorable quotes for
The Cannonball Run (1981) More at IMDbPro »

Fenderbaum: We've got a secret weapon. God is our co-pilot!
The Greek: You'll need him!
Jamie Blake: *God* is our copilot?
Fenderbaum: Uh huh...
Jamie Blake: Remember our car?
Fenderbaum: Uh huh...
Jamie Blake: Two seats?
Fenderbaum: Two seats...
Jamie Blake: Where's he gonna sit?
[smack]
Jamie Blake: Where's he gonna sit?
[smack]
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Fenderbaum: Why'd he call me Shorty?
Jamie Blake: 'Cause you're small. Small. S - M - all.
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The Sheik: My driving is rivaled only by the lightning bolts from the heavens!
[thunder crashes]
Sheik's Sister: So you still intend to enter the race with the infidel Americans?
The Sheik: The Cannonball will fall to the forces of Islam!
[thunder crashes]
The Sheik: My dear sister! I swear it!
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California Highway Patrolman: Headquarters, we are still in pursuit of the black Lamborghini.
Dispatcher: Car 42, you've been in pursuit for two hours. Another five minutes and you'll be in Arizona.
California Highway Patrolman: Yeah, and we're going to stay in pursuit until we catch them.
Dispatcher: It didn't take us THAT long to catch Dillinger.
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J.J. McClure: Look, we can't have a car with numbers on it. So, we're going to have to disguise the car somehow.
Victor Prinsi: Alright.
J.J. McClure: How about a big, black limousine with diplomatic plates?
Victor Prinsi: Nah!
J.J. McClure: Nah. I know, a bloodmobile. They wouldn't stop a bloodmobile, would they?
Victor Prinsi: Nah!
J.J. McClure: Nah.
Victor Prinsi: An ice cream truck! Yeah, an ice cream truck! Y'know, they gotta get there before it melts!
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Organizer: You are certainly the most distinguished group of highway scofflaws and degenerates ever gathered together in one place
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Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Maybe next year, we'll do this again.
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Organizer: Of course you know certain sceptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nations's most elite highway patrolmen are out there waiting for us after we start, but let's stay positively: Think of the fact that there's not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding... although I'm not so sure about Ohio.
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Mel: How long before we stop?
Terry: Eight hours!
Mel: Da-D-Damn! I gotta go to the john!
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J.J. McClure: Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, Mad Dog!
Mad Dog: Hey, J.J!
J.J. McClure: Look, you probably didn't realize this, but the parking lot's outside.
Mad Dog: I know. The brakes went out.
J.J. McClure: Who do you think you are? The president?
Mad Dog: [imitating Richard Nixon] Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear, we feel terrible about it. Now, if they can't take a joke,
[gives the up yours arm gesture sans finger]
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[Brad drives through the bar on his motorcycle]
Fenderbaum: What in the hell was that?
Jamie Blake: Oh, that must've been the entry of the National Safety Council.
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Batman: Mad Dog, you ARE going to take the shortcut to the Interstate, aren't you?
Mad Dog: We're here to win, ain't we? If you're gonna be a bear, BE A GRIZZLY!
Both: ARRR!
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Shaky Finch: Come on! 1000 miles on one wheel? We're trying to win a race, not set a record!
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The Greek: Jamie Blake! Yeah, you used to drive that Formula One. When high-buttoned shoes were in style!
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J.J. McClure: what about a black trans-am? No, that's been done!
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Mad Dog: Hey, you the one running this fleabag?
Desk Clerk: Huh?
Mad Dog: Where the hookers?
Desk Clerk: What?
Mad Dog: Hookers, man! Where the hookers?
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J.J. McClure: What's Dr. Gay do?
Victor Prinsi: He's my shrink. He was committed yesterday.
J.J. McClure: Why?
Victor Prinsi: He was smoking bananas. He gets very upset when he talks to 'Him'.
J.J. McClure: So do I!
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Mr. Foyt: Terrorists my dimpled ass! These people make terrorists look like the Sisters of Charity! These guys are Cannonballers!
Pamela Glover: What is that? A bowling team?
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Bradford Compton: Shakey, it's kinda tough to get close to you. Last time I saw you, you were a bit more svelte.
Shaky Finch: Yeah, well what can I tell you? In the pizza business, when things are slow you tend to eat the inventory.
Bradford Compton: Yeah, but listen, Shakey, that's not good for the Cannonball. You know that! I mean, you don't need a motorcycle, you need the Super Chief!
Shaky Finch: But even with the extra tonnage, I'm still the best there is!
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Organizer: I'd like to welcome you all to an event that's sometimes been called the Automotive counterpart to the Bay of Pigs.
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Fenderbaum: Isn't that J.J. McClure?
Jamie Blake: He's nothing. Don't worry about him. It's the Blimp next to him! The Blimp! When he puts on that mask, he'll blow your goddamn doors off!
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Mr. Foyt: Well, how do you all feel now you have raped the American highways?
J.J. McClure: Beautiful!
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Jamie Blake: That's a good-looking piece! and cunningly disguised so it won't look like a racing car, you know. The cops would never give that a second glance!
Jill Rivers: 220 miles an hour and they aren't gonna get a second glance!
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J.J. McClure: Thanks to you, Victor, we do not have a female patient in the back. Thanks to your wonderful cousin Tessie.
Victor Prinsi: Well, it's not my fault that she didn't fit in the stretcher!
J.J. McClure: She doesn't fit in the AMBULANCE!
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[after jumping a moving train]
Mad Dog: Evel Knievel, you've got yourself some competition!
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J.J. McClure: I'm sure that doctor's a very sweet man, basically.
Victor Prinsi: Oh, thank you.
J.J. McClure: But don't you ever tell me where you found him. Ever.
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[Seymour pulls up to the starting line with his lights off]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Would you mind?
[the official punches his time card and gives it to him]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Thank you.
Organizer: Might be easier with your lights on.
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Why advertise?
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[J.J. and Victor are pulled over by two priests in a red Ferrari]
Victor Prinsi: Nice car, Father!
Jamie Blake: Thank you, asshole.
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[J.J. is pissed that Captain Chaos has disappeared]
J.J. McClure: When you don't want him he's around! When you want him he's not around! I'm gonna go get a beer!
Captain Chaos: DA-DA-DUM!
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[JJ has "tackled" all the other contestants at the end]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Well, I must say, that's not a very sporting way to win.
Jamie Blake: No, it was a shitty way to win!
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[finding the men's room locked, Van Helsing follows Pamela into the women's room]
Pamela Glover: Wait a minute, you can't come in here.
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: Madam, not to be indelicate but in my profession; if you've seen one, you've see them all.
Pamela Glover: Oh, okay.
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Mel: I can't see shit, can you?
Terry: No problem, son, no problem...
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Gas Station Attendant: 7-11, how can I help you?
J.J. McClure: Pumps one and two, hit 'em!
Gas Station Attendant: What are you, some kind of nut? You've got one unleaded there and one premium!
J.J. McClure: She goes both ways. The round orange moon pie with the white hat on, he'll pay for it.
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Fenderbaum: [a cop stops Blake and Fenderbaum]
[shouts]
Fenderbaum: J.J., you son of a?
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Mad Dog: [Batman tries to beat up a biker] Hold it! You'll never last five minutes in a New York Subway
Mad Dog: [Mad Dog whacks the biker across the knee with a board and then on the back, knocking him down] Now *that?s* the way it's done!
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Cop: [J.J. avoids a roadblock and wrecks the Porsche] What are you, some kind of nut? Who do you think you are?
Victor Prinsi: Da-dum-duuummmm! I, am Captain Chaos! And this, this is my faithful companion, Cato... Say hello, Cato!
Victor Prinsi: [cop looks in disgust] Been a cop long?
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Sheik's Assistant: I wonder why that guy parked his truck in the lobby?
The Sheik: Only in America! Get me 12 suites, better yet, the entire floor!
[Walks off, patting another assistant on the rear]
The Sheik: Ah, too much couscous!
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Female Cop Pulling Over Lamborghini Babes: [to driver of Lamborghini, referring to her cleavage] Well, hello there, Hotpants! Now, you wouldn't happen to have a drivers license tucked down in there, would you?
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Victor Prinsi: [after J.J. tells him to find a doctor to ride with them in the ambulance] Where do doctors hang out?
J.J. McClure: I don't know! Pubs... golf courses!
Victor Prinsi: Hospitals?
J.J. McClure: Yeah- check those too.
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Bradford Compton: Bradford Compton, perhaps you've heard of me, I'm on Wall Street.
Chief Biker: We don't ride on Wall Street.
Biker: [cutting off Compton's necktie] Yeah, we don't ride on Wall Street!
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Fenderbaum: [Fenderbaum and Blake's Ferrari drives alongside J.J.'s ambulance] Pull over! We want to give you our blessing!
Victor Prinsi: J.J., there are two priests in that car. They want us to pull over.
J.J. McClure: Victor, that's two priests driving a Ferrari. When's the last time you saw two priests drive a Ferrari? What are they doing, taking home the bingo money?
Victor Prinsi: No, they're doing the work of the Lord. In a Ferrari, they can just do it faster.
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Victor Prinsi: Thank you, Father.
Fenderbaum: Why don't you take that piece of shit back to the junkyard?
[laughs and drives away]
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J.J. McClure: Hey, Victor, didja get anything to eat?
Victor Prinsi: Yeah, I gotta lotta goodies for you guys and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me!
[singing and dancing]
Victor Prinsi: "I'm a peppa/You're a peppa/He's a peppa/She's a peppa/Wouldn't ya like to be a peppa too?
J.J. McClure: [impatiently] WILL YOU GET IN HERE?
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Jamie Blake: If we were Methodists we'd have a good shot at gettin' laid
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J.J. McClure: You all right, Victor?
Victor Prinsi: Oh, I'm fine, J.J. It only hurts when I point.
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Pamela Glover: Are you one of those volleyballers?
J.J. McClure: Cannonballers. No.
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Fenderbaum: [noticing Blake acting oddly at bar] What is it?
Jamie Blake: Look at the chicks! Boy, if we were Methodists, what a shot we could have had of getting laid right here.
[guy at bar overhearing spits his drink out]
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Pamela Glover: I can't believe this is happening to me. This is not a joke any more. I'm being kidnapped.
J.J. McClure: Well, you can call it kidnapping if you want to be rude.
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Jamie Blake: I just want to thank you for informin' them about us back in Missouri. You know, how we're flashers and sex maniacs.
J.J. McClure: Well, I was just repayin' you for what you and the chocolate monk did back in Ohio.
Fenderbaum: Chocolate Monk?
Jamie Blake: He can say that. Yeah, he can say that, cause he's ridin' around with the "Good Year" blimp!
J.J. McClure: [Looking at Vic] He can say that. He can say that cause if I had the time, I'd take those rosary beads and shove em up your nose.
Jamie Blake: These rosary beads? Up this nose?
J.J. McClure: Yeah.
Jamie Blake: Will ya take a little advice? Bring friends.
Fenderbaum: Ha! Lots of em.
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Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: I'm Nikolas Van Helsing, professor of proctology and other related tendencies. A graduate of the University of Rangoon. And assorted night classes at the Knoxville Tennessee school of faith healing.
J.J. McClure: You may be a little over qualified for this job.
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[during the brawl with the mean bikers, Seymour Goldfarb Jr stands aside with his girlfriend, until one of the bikers menacingly approaches them, holding heavy wrench]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [to his girlfriend] Step back, my dear.
[the girl steps back. Seymour makes karate moves, with the music of James Bond movies is played in the background]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [to the biker] I must warn you, I'm Roger Moore!
Biker: [frowns] Who?
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [bends forward so the biker can hear him better] Roger Moore!
[the biker, unimpressed, punches Seymour in the mouth. Seymour groans in pain, covers his mouth, then helplessly slumps to the ground]
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Jackie Chan, Subaru Driver: [the duo is driving at night with the headlights off, to avoid detection] This infrared is the cat's ass.
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