Burt Johnson: Hello, Arthur.
Arthur: Hello, Mr. Johnson.
Burt Johnson: I haven't seen much of you lately.
Arthur: Well, the reason you haven't seen much of me is because I, I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town. And you live here. Want a drink?
Burt Johnson: I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks.
Arthur: That's great! You probably never run out of ice your whole life!
Arthur: Do you know what I'm going to do?
Hobson: No, I don't.
Arthur: I'm going to take a bath.
Hobson: I'll alert the media.
Arthur: [rises] Do you want to run my bath for me?
Hobson: That's what I live for.
Hobson: Perhaps you would like me to come in there and wash your dick for you, you little shit.
Hobson: Thank you for a memorable afternoon, usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.
Arthur: You're a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing GREAT with you!
Arthur: It's terribly small, tiny little country. Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war. THAT'S how small it is.
Hobson: [wearing a cowboy hat Arthur gave him to cheer him up] If I begin to die, please take this off my head. This is not the way I wish to be remembered.
Arthur: I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.
Arthur: Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Maybe some of us drink because we're not poets.
Arthur: What are you doing later tonight?
Linda: Oh, I have plans for tonight. What should I wear?
Hobson: Steal something casual.
Arthur: Oh, stay with me, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone.
Hobson: Yes, bathing is a lonely business.
Arthur: Except for fish.
Hobson: I beg your pardon? Did you say "except for fish"?
Arthur: Yes... fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another. I often think... fish must get awfully tired of seafood. What are you thoughts, Hobson?
Hobson: Pardon me...
[rises, removes Arthur's top hat and smacks him upside the head]
[Arthur suddenly laughs uproariously]
Gloria: What's so funny now?
Arthur: Sometimes I just think funny things.
Burt Johnson: I don't drink because drinking affects your decision-making.
Arthur: You may be right. I can't decide.
Executive: He gets all that money. Pays his family back by... by... by bein' a stinkin' drunk. It's enough ta make ya sick.
Hobson: I really wouldn't know, sir. I'm just a servant.
Hobson: On the other hand, go screw yourself.
Perry's Wife: [screams] MY HUSBAND HAS A GUN!
Arthur: I'm sure he does, madam. For all I know, he shot it while you screamed.
Gloria: My mother died when I was six.
Arthur: [bangs his fist on the table] Son of a bitch! Don't they know what they do to kids?
Gloria: My father raped me when I was twelve.
Arthur: So, you had six relatively good years? I'm sorry. Listen, my father screwed me, too.
Arthur: I've never taken care of anybody. Everybody's always taken care of me. But if you got sick, or anything, I'd take care of you.
Linda: Then I'll get sick.
Arthur: [waiting at Arthur's father's office] I hate it here!
Hobson: Of course you hate it. People work here.
Ralph: I take it this bum will be calling you?
Linda: Dad! He's a millionaire.
Ralph: You have my permission to marry him.
Hobson: Poor drunks do not find love, Arthur. Poor drunks have very few teeth, they urinate outdoors, they freeze to death in summer. I can't bear to think of you that way.
Arthur: [a very intoxicated Arthur is addressing the congregation of attendees for his wedding] ummmm... ummmm... Ladies and gentlemen... I'm sorry... As you probably have surmised by now... there will be no wedding. The bride... has had second thoughts... and has decided not to marry me... Most of you know me... Can you blame her?
[to Arthur, after Linda Marolla stole a necktie from a store]
Hobson: Yes, I see no reason for prolonging this conversation, unless you're planning to knock over a fruit stand later in the evening.
Hobson: [to Linda] Good luck in prison.
Arthur: [pointing at a mounted moose on the wall] Where's the rest of this moose?
Burt Johnson: Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another.
Arthur: I do too. That's why I had to come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room.
Arthur: [patting the moose] I don't have to tell you that.
Arthur: You must've hated this moose.
Burt Johnson: Why don't you forget the moose for a moment!
Arthur: [looks at the moose; then, to Burt] Right.
Arthur: They recently had the whole country carpeted. This is *not* a big place.
Arthur: [to the mounted moosehead in Burt's den] This must be awfully embarrassing for you.
Arthur: Isn't this fun? Isn't fun the best thing to have? Don't you wish you were me? I know I do.
Hobson: Thrilling to meet you, Gloria.
Hobson: Yes... You obviously have a wonderful economy with words, Gloria. I look forward to your next syllable with great eagerness.
Arthur: [soliciting a prostitute] What I had in mind was spending the night with a stranger who loves me.
Gloria: Gonna cost you a hundred bucks.
Arthur: Oh, yeah? What time do you get off?
[bursts out laughing]
Arthur: Oh, that's funny!
Burt Johnson: [smiling broadly] When I was 11 years old, I KILLED a man.
Arthur: Well, when you're 11 you probably don't even know there's a law against that. Is Susan here?
Burt Johnson: I knew what I was doing. We were poor. He came into our house to steal our food.
Arthur: Well, he was asking for it.
Burt Johnson: I took a knife, and I killed him in the kitchen.
Arthur: You, uh... probably ate out that night, what with that man lying in your kitchen.
Burt Johnson: You seem to find humor in everything.
Arthur: Yeah, sorry.
Arthur: [to Susan] Do you have any objection to naming a child Vladimir? Even a girl?
Hobson: Here, read this magazine. There are many pictures.
Hobson: Would you remove your helmet, please?
[Arthur hands him his helmet]
Hobson: Thank you. Now your goggles.
[Arthur hands him his goggles]
Hobson: Thank you.
[slaps him across the face repeatedly]
Hobson: You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.
Arthur: He's taking the knife out of the cheese!
Linda: Oh, my God!
Arthur: Do you think he wants some cheese?
Linda: No, I think we're gonna die!
[about Hobson after she gives her phone number to Arthur]
Linda: Wouldn't it be funny if *he* called me?
Arthur: Do you want anything?
Hobson: I want to be younger.
Arthur: Sorry, it's your job to be older.
Arthur: Hobson, do you know the worst part, the WORST part of being me?
Hobson: I should imagine your breath.
Arthur: Bitterman! Do you want to double your salary?
Bitterman: Yes sir!
Arthur: Then open that door!
Arthur: All I can tell you is, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.
Arthur: [while taking a bath] God, isn't life wonderful, Hobson?
Hobson: Yes, Arthur, it is. Do your armpits.
Arthur: A hot bath is wonderful... Girls are WONDERFUL!
Hobson: Yes, imagine how wonderful a girl who bathes would be. Get dressed.
Arthur: [to Burt Johnson's servant] Are you sure you want to be a nightclub comic?
Hobson: I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up?
Arthur: I just told Linda I was getting engaged.
Hobson: I don't know why; a little tart like that could save you a fortune in prostitutes.
[in a department store, Arthur and Hobson see Linda putting a tie in her bag]
Arthur: Hobson, did you see that?
Hobson: [wearily] Yes.
Arthur: She stole that tie! It's the prefect crime; girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.
Hobson: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime. Why are you so happy about all this?
Gloria: So, how rich are you?
Arthur: Let's put it this way, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.
Hobson: [to Ralph] If you and your undershirt will walk two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling.
Linda: Nice place... I love a living room you can land a plane in.
Ralph: Here's your tea.
Hobson: I despise tea. Now, would you go to the bathroom and bring me two aspirin? You'll find them on the top shelf to the left, behind the untouched shaving cream.
[Ralph looks embarrassed and leaves the room. Hobson coughs]
Linda: That sounds bad. Have you seen a doctor?
Hobson: Yes. And he has seen me.
Linda: You know, I think Arthur has a very good friend. May I kiss you on the cheek?
Hobson: Is it something you feel strongly about?
[She kisses Hobson, who smiles, nods, and prepares to leave]
Linda: What about your aspirins?
Hobson: The aspirins are for you, my dear.